I'm failing my mother - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-29-2015, 02:39 PM Thread Starter
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I'm failing my mother


My mother is the only person in the world I have to rely on for support and I am failing her. Furthermore I don't know where to go for help. Why is a psychiatric hospital the accepted norm for reaching out for help. Everyone knows what goes on in those places. You are watched all the time and are never allowed outside for sunlight. You are never permitted to leave the facility or disobey the staff. If you disobey the staff they punish you in ways you never could have imagined before you signed away your freedom. I am not speaking from personal experience. This is reality. They don't want to hurt you or kill you. They are simply a for profit business like say a company that sells cereal. Their goal is always to rake in as much money as humanly possible. And they are in collusion with drug companies who know you cannot refuse drugs in a prison like setting. You are s guaranteed customer.
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post #2 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-29-2015, 02:49 PM Thread Starter
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I guess what I'm saying is I am terrified of looking for help. Because I'm afraid there is no help. There is an anxiety and phobia support group at White Plains Hospital which is very near to me but they do not accept Medicare or Medicaid. So it's just another case of only the wealthy having access to optimal services. Like Whole Foods. Only wealthy people can really afford to shop there regularly. And they are much healthier because of this reason. I am stuck. I am suffering everyday from debilitating anxiety and crippling depression and I have no support system. Everytime I burden my mother with my never-ending worries and abusive behavior I feel like I am slowly killing the only person I've got in the entire world. Please someone talk to me.
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post #3 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-29-2015, 02:52 PM
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Oh thank god.

I read the title as "I'm falling for my mother"

Thanks for not mentally scarring me.
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post #4 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-29-2015, 02:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Lifeafter30 View Post
My mother is the only person in the world I have to rely on for support and I am failing her. Furthermore I don't know where to go for help. Why is a psychiatric hospital the accepted norm for reaching out for help. Everyone knows what goes on in those places. You are watched all the time and are never allowed outside for sunlight. You are never permitted to leave the facility or disobey the staff. If you disobey the staff they punish you in ways you never could have imagined before you signed away your freedom. I am not speaking from personal experience. This is reality. They don't want to hurt you or kill you. They are simply a for profit business like say a company that sells cereal. Their goal is always to rake in as much money as humanly possible. And they are in collusion with drug companies who know you cannot refuse drugs in a prison like setting. You are s guaranteed customer.
Ikr, psych. wards/hospitals are pure hell. I do not recommend them for people with severe SA. Its like a mini prison. It should be an absolute last option thing. Yeah, I feel like a burden to my mother also. If she dies I pretty much die. I would just advise you to try all your resources available to you. Self-help books, online therapy, sliding scale therapists, there are options for you.

~ How can I build Your kingdom if I'm building my own
How can You be my treasure if I'm digging for gold
How can You be my fire if my heart has grown cold
How can You be my future if I've made this my home ~ Love & the Outcome
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post #5 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-29-2015, 03:06 PM Thread Starter
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I am a 31 year old who has been collecting disability checks for my entire adult life. I feel like I'm nothing. Taxpayers support me. I ruined my life by never attending college. I have no skills and in today's world the only job an agency like VESID could ever secure for me would be a low paying menial type of job. I'd be humiliated everyday. I'm stuck. I can't move forward. I can barely sleep most nights. I am always on some type of drug every night whether it's valium or librium or trazodone or ambien. Or chammomile. All but ambien have failed me at one point or another and ambien is the only one that I cannot take long-term. I have headaches all day long on days when I haven't slept sufficiently and I have no bedroom. I sleep in my mother's living room. So I've always got that at the forefront of my mind while I'm lying in bed in the middle of the night. I must sleep now or else I am taking away use of the living room when it's time for her to get up in the morning. I just want to leave so I can either fail or succeed on my own. But she will not allow me to leave. She does not want to live alone. She'd rather have me drag her down with me to self-destruction. I am afraid and I need someone who is not going to lock me up to talk to me.
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post #6 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-29-2015, 03:24 PM Thread Starter
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I've yet to find a psychiatrist who I haven't manipulated. Everytime I feel well enough to go on, I talk my way out of help. I only just started feeling THIS bad a few months ago. Before that for twelve years I just limped along and didn't care that much about ruining my life. Now I've gone too far. I don't want to feel like an emotional cripple anymore. I want to have friends and a purpose. But everyday that goes by I am inside probably 23 out of 24 hours. And I am ruminating about everything I've said. I can't even cry most of the time because I think to myself why bother. You're not going to feel any better. You're already hopeless. I want a group. But not in a mental hospital. I just attended an adult partial program in a mental hospital in Katonah and because of my social phobia I could never open my mouth all day long. I got nothing out of it and quit after a week. On some level I want to go back because I should be around other people all day but a mental hospital is a scary ****ing place. And this was like the Beverly Hills of mental hospitals.
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post #7 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-29-2015, 03:33 PM Thread Starter
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Plus the main problem I have with any mental hospital setting is they ALL want you on some kind of drug. And that is WRONG. I do not have a (insert drug name) deficiency. I am deficient in social skills and stress management. And they bully you in such an unbelievably subtle way in these mental hospitals. The first day I spoke with a nurse practitioner for about ten or so minutes and the next day she was telling me to take some drug that has a side effect list a million miles long. I refused and on day three when she saw me she had a second staff member in the office when I entered the room. Sort of like intimidation. I again refused and on day four there was a third staff member in there when I entered het room. You all can see what I'm saying.
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post #8 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-29-2015, 03:43 PM Thread Starter
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I left after that because I knew they'd keep subtly bullying me everyday until I submitted. Imagine operating on little sleep, relying on the mental hospital to pick you up at the train station, being stuck in a room all day with no air circulation, being socially phobic around thirty other strangers for six and a half hours, and then at the same time having to fend off at least five or ten staffers who are all in lockstep as to what you're so called treatment should be. And then going home and anticipating it all happening over again the next day.
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post #9 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-29-2015, 04:39 PM Thread Starter
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Is anybody relating to anything I've said? Besides the guy who agreed with me to steer clear of mental hospitals.
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post #10 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-29-2015, 06:22 PM Thread Starter
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I'm guessing there's nobody.
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post #11 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-29-2015, 06:39 PM
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I'm guessing there's nobody.
no, baby! you are a priceless jewel. I don't share these experiences but i almost cried reading them anyway. But of course I share the social phobia, the wanting/despairing very deeply my own future, and the worrying about the consequences on my family. You are totally right about mental clinics - psychology hasn't got a clue about what mental illness is, forget how to treat it. If I was your nurse I would love to sit in your room and read you a book every afternoon.
I hope you can feel better, darling, for any amount of time possible because you're a good person. You care about your mother and I'm glad she cares about you too.
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post #12 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-29-2015, 07:44 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you for your words. From the way you're talking it seems like you're assuming I'm female. I'm a 31 year old male.
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post #13 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-29-2015, 07:44 PM
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I'm guessing there's nobody.
You've had a very tough life.

Is there any way for you to become a nurse or physicians assistant? In other words, is there a career that you can enter through a couple years of training? At 30 you still have time to start a new career.

Your biggest problem right now is living off disability and not having skills to improve your economic situation.

If you had a decent job you could afford an apartment. An apartment and car would open up more social opportunities for you.

“We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down.”

― Kurt Vonnegut
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post #14 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-29-2015, 07:57 PM Thread Starter
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And psychology can be right sometimes. I forgot to mention that the phobia treatment center that is so near to me is ideal for me specifically because they leave drugs out of the equation entirely. And they are one of the only if not the only mental health centers I've ever heard of that does that. They were also the first center of their kind back forty years ago when they started. The first in the entire nation. I live in such a progressive area. You wouldn't find a place like this in most parts of the country. And it's right here. Near me. And I can't go because they won't accept Medicare. Which in a way is almost understandable since most insurance companies have and have had for a LONG time now a policy of NOT paying for treatment if no DRUGS are prescribed during at least one of the sessions. This center is progressive enough to understand that psychiatric drugs like anti depressants have virtually no desired effect on a person's mood. They are incredibly dangerous and have led to more suicides and homicides than if the person was left to their own devices with no drugs.
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post #15 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-29-2015, 08:05 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you Clare for talking to me. I am going to explore a government agency called VESID. They help disabled people with finding and keeping employment. It is my only hope right now. Otherwise I'm going to die like this. Scared. Helpless. Dependent. Ruining my mother's life with my self destructive behavior. I have to actually start VESID and see it through to the end. Without quitting and running away and hiding when I encounter something or someone who scares me. I'm going to do it. They can help me decide what I should be doing. And they can help train me for a career in something. Even if it isn't exciting to me.
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post #16 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-29-2015, 08:37 PM Thread Starter
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I'm going to the Independent Living Center in White Plains. They can help me map out a path to find employment or a career in something. I may even be able to work without the crippling fear of losing my only source of income - my disability check. I know that I am allowed to earn a certain amount without losing my benefits. I am going to forge ahead and start at one of these two places. If not both. Whichever I can get an appointment with first. I wish I could do it tomorrow I'm so motivated right now. But it's Sunday tomorrow. I know I can do this. Once I'm earning at least $1,000 a month (whatever the limit is, don't know), I know I'll never want to sit on my *** all day ever again and hide from the world. I'll want to improve my life and my mother's life. I'll want to buy new furniture or appliances or something.
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post #17 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-29-2015, 08:46 PM Thread Starter
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I'll probably never be a social person in the sense that I'll want to be around people all the time cause I never was my entire life (a person who enjoyed social situations), but I know I can at least earn money. I know it. I have this feeling right now I'm going to be a completely different person in a month from now. Earning money. Wanting more out of life. And that's where I want to be. Not feeling totally dependent on disability checks and doing nothing all day. That is over. It's been going on for too long. I'm starting a new process on Monday. Who knows? Since the DMV is directly across the hall from WILC I may finally feel motivated to learn to drive so I can get to a job without relying on scary public transportation.
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post #18 of 22 (permalink) Old 08-29-2015, 08:51 PM
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Mental health services should be covered under affordable care act, look for community clinics that offer mental health services that accept Medicaid. What state do you live in and insurance? I'll research places you can go to in your area.


I sincerely hope you get help you want, I think you are brave for reaching out my dear
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post #19 of 22 (permalink) Old 09-03-2015, 07:31 PM
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Thank you for your words. From the way you're talking it seems like you're assuming I'm female. I'm a 31 year old male.
haha no, I figured exactly what you say you are
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post #20 of 22 (permalink) Old 09-04-2015, 04:04 AM
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stay positive, find goals you want to achieve and stay focused on them. When you start doubting yourself and feeling low start listening to some motivational music on youtube or something. The biggest battles we face in life is within ourselves. That person in the mirror we see.

You can do this one step at a time

Whatever it takes.. this is what I want. I will bring it to life. When you have commited to do whatever it takes then you by definition are unstoppable
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