And that's no exaggeration. The loneliness and isolation is really getting to me. I've just started therapy, and I will be going through a long assessment to get myself properly diagnosed in February (already been diagnosed with depression and adjustment disorder, but my social anxiety hasn't been addressed).
I just kind of feel hopeless. Like I'm not meant to have friends or have a job outside the house. I feel very different from "normal" people. I feel like with even counseling and medication, I feel like I am too far gone to ever get better. I am at the age where people have gotten married, settled down, had kids, advancing in their careers, and aren't really looking to make friends. Even though I'm agnostic, I think about becoming a nun, because that would be a better life than the one I'm living right now. Wake up, exercise, shower, eat, watch TV, eat lunch, surf the internet, watch TV, surf the Internet some more, eat dinner, surf the Internet, go to sleep. Once a week I will go to the grocery store.
This existence I'm living is not a life. I really feel like I am going to die alone. I can't even get close to relatives. And that's not entirely my fault, because I have a lot of very dysfunctional, corrupt, lying, just all around bad and abusive people in my family. So I really don't want to be around them.
I'm just really hopeless. I haven't completely given up. I am a lot better than I used to be. I'm doing therapy and am going to be put on medication. But I just really don't know how I am going to get through this life. I wish I could cry about it, then maybe some of the tension could melt away, at least for a minute. Crying helps sometimes. But I am too numb to do that. And I feel like if I cry it out, I might lose control.
I feel so lonely and empty and numb and dead inside. It's a pretty Saturday, and I have nothing to do, nowhere to go, nobody to do it with. Nobody to call. I want a job, but I know from experience that my depression and anxiety will make me quit very soon into the job. Life really sucks right now.
I know this is not a very well written post and is a bunch of jumbled thoughts, but I just had to get that out.
I just kind of feel hopeless. Like I'm not meant to have friends or have a job outside the house. I feel very different from "normal" people. I feel like with even counseling and medication, I feel like I am too far gone to ever get better. I am at the age where people have gotten married, settled down, had kids, advancing in their careers, and aren't really looking to make friends. Even though I'm agnostic, I think about becoming a nun, because that would be a better life than the one I'm living right now. Wake up, exercise, shower, eat, watch TV, eat lunch, surf the internet, watch TV, surf the Internet some more, eat dinner, surf the Internet, go to sleep. Once a week I will go to the grocery store.
This existence I'm living is not a life. I really feel like I am going to die alone. I can't even get close to relatives. And that's not entirely my fault, because I have a lot of very dysfunctional, corrupt, lying, just all around bad and abusive people in my family. So I really don't want to be around them.
I'm just really hopeless. I haven't completely given up. I am a lot better than I used to be. I'm doing therapy and am going to be put on medication. But I just really don't know how I am going to get through this life. I wish I could cry about it, then maybe some of the tension could melt away, at least for a minute. Crying helps sometimes. But I am too numb to do that. And I feel like if I cry it out, I might lose control.
I feel so lonely and empty and numb and dead inside. It's a pretty Saturday, and I have nothing to do, nowhere to go, nobody to do it with. Nobody to call. I want a job, but I know from experience that my depression and anxiety will make me quit very soon into the job. Life really sucks right now.
I know this is not a very well written post and is a bunch of jumbled thoughts, but I just had to get that out.