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I haven't had a friend since about 1996/1997

1K views 19 replies 16 participants last post by  Yogurt 
#1 ·
And that's no exaggeration. The loneliness and isolation is really getting to me. I've just started therapy, and I will be going through a long assessment to get myself properly diagnosed in February (already been diagnosed with depression and adjustment disorder, but my social anxiety hasn't been addressed).

I just kind of feel hopeless. Like I'm not meant to have friends or have a job outside the house. I feel very different from "normal" people. I feel like with even counseling and medication, I feel like I am too far gone to ever get better. I am at the age where people have gotten married, settled down, had kids, advancing in their careers, and aren't really looking to make friends. Even though I'm agnostic, I think about becoming a nun, because that would be a better life than the one I'm living right now. Wake up, exercise, shower, eat, watch TV, eat lunch, surf the internet, watch TV, surf the Internet some more, eat dinner, surf the Internet, go to sleep. Once a week I will go to the grocery store.

This existence I'm living is not a life. I really feel like I am going to die alone. I can't even get close to relatives. And that's not entirely my fault, because I have a lot of very dysfunctional, corrupt, lying, just all around bad and abusive people in my family. So I really don't want to be around them.

I'm just really hopeless. I haven't completely given up. I am a lot better than I used to be. I'm doing therapy and am going to be put on medication. But I just really don't know how I am going to get through this life. I wish I could cry about it, then maybe some of the tension could melt away, at least for a minute. Crying helps sometimes. But I am too numb to do that. And I feel like if I cry it out, I might lose control.

I feel so lonely and empty and numb and dead inside. It's a pretty Saturday, and I have nothing to do, nowhere to go, nobody to do it with. Nobody to call. I want a job, but I know from experience that my depression and anxiety will make me quit very soon into the job. Life really sucks right now.

I know this is not a very well written post and is a bunch of jumbled thoughts, but I just had to get that out.
 
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#3 ·
Forget how long it's been since you've had a friend and forget what "normal" people are doing and thinking.

The decisions you've made, from your birth until this moment, have led you to where you are. Those decisions have already been made, and you can not change them...so let go.

However, the decisions you are making today will lead you to where you're going to be tomorrow, and so on. These are the decisions you still have control over, and it's these decisions that matter.

Decisions are often based off feelings, and if you're feeling hopeless due to past choices and where they've led you, then it's these feelings that will influence your future feelings.

So you have to make a choice, right now: Are you hopeless?

Your answer should be no, and if it is, then hold onto that answer and never let go of it, because deciding that you are not hopeless is what determines whether or not you actually are. And once you've decided that you have hope, and that life doesn't have to be this way, then you are on the right path.
 
#4 ·
I want you to realize that you are not alone. Many of us on here feel the samw way you do. I also have absolutely no friends because every single one of them do not take any consideration of my feelings. Ayways, I believe you need to get out of the house more. Go somewhere where you can socialize and meet new people. Join a club. Go to a church (I don't know what your religion is but if you believe in the Lord, this can also be a good place for you to socialize.) Join an activity. Do not be afraid to have conversations with others. If you still feel uncomfortable, then take little steps. Also you mentioned on there you are going to therapy. it takes time to change and to heal from your problems. Any problems that you have. I have been going to therapy since I was 13 years old and I still struggle. We need to accept the fact that we all struggle and that it's okay. We just need to learn how to be a knight and face our fears on our own sometimes. It is your decision.
 
#6 ·
That does sound damn lonely. Do you have any pets? Do you go to church at all?

I'm glad you can still come on forums and vent your feelings. It might not seem like much to you right now and maybe just existing, but you DO have a life. Do you have any hobbies you're into? What exercise do you do every day? Would it be possible to adjust that to doing stuff outside the house, like in group classes or walking groups? That helped me. I like going to yoga, because it's quiet, I only have to chat as much as *I* comfortably can before or after class, and it's relaxing. Now I even go to the gym.

:) Don't bother comparing yourself to anybody else and feeling like you're not up to snuff. It's all relative. Some people can have tons of people in their lives and still know EXACTLY what you're going through.

Right now I'm dealing with moving on from my toxic upbringing and past, and learning to trust again. It was terrifying before I started, but now that I'm into the swing of things it's pretty nice being able to constantly learn new things about myself.

I can be the best friend I always wanted and needed. And you can be that for yourself too. It feels pretty wonderful, and some times waaay better than what I remember feeling when I had "friends". And you stop tormenting yourself about other people. As soon as that happens people start showing up in your life. I'm at the point that because I'm not used to attracting good attention, I don't know what to do with it!!!

Keep persisting! It might suck right now, but it's giving you purpose. That's more than a lot of "normal" folks have.
 
#8 ·
I know what you mean. :( It can be really tough being alone and having SA and depression. I suffer from depression. I literally haven't had friends since 2004. :blank And I'm 18 years old now.
 
#10 ·
Thanks everyone. Just knowing that people are reading my words helps.

To answer some questions you all asked, I'm agnostic, so I don't go to church. Even if I did believe in God, my social anxiety wouldn't let me go there.

For exercise, I walk on a walking trail outside and/or do exercise videos. I've lost 30 pounds over 5 months, but it's slow going losing the weight because I do a lot of backsliding and gaining back because I get so depressed about my situation and binge on food. I won't give up though.
 
#11 ·
stay strong donttalkmuch. it's good that you WANT to reach out and that you realize you want people to hang out with. that's always the first step. the next is to find avenues for making some friends.

have you tried to reach out to find people in your area through this website? check out the 'gatherings' and 'social anxiety friends and connections' categories on these forums. just make a post on either of those stating your intentions of making friends and maybe, there will be more people with s.a. around you than you think. plan some outings and meetups, and get yourself out there.

also, check out meetup.com. look up to see if there are any suitable groups (s.a., hiking, yoga, etc.) around you.

those are two pretty simple ways to get yourself out there into a situation that could lead to you meeting people and getting to know them as friends.

but like i said, keep your head up. you CAN make a change. :)
 
#12 ·
I think u should start doing something out of ur routine. Doing the same thing every day just contributes to the way ure feeling, every person needs a goal in life. What does make u happy? Isnt there really an outdoor activity u can do? Like going out at night maybe, if that makes the anxiety less? Jogging, going to cinema? Do u eat well?
Do u also make sure ur house is clean and its no mess? Ive read somewhere that the look of mess contributes to depression.
 
#15 ·
Loneliness is an absolute killer - my deepest sympathies are with you. Just remember that it is never, ever too late to seek change. Forget about what other people in your age group are doing - it is irrelevant. What matters is that you focus on yourself.

Therapy is a great start, but don't give up. Life is a sea of opportunity, there's so many new people for you to meet and things to experience. If you persevere, you can turn your life and around and have a great social life.

With hope in your heart, you'll never walk alone. ;)
 
#16 ·
Me too

I have the same problem as you. I haven't had a friend in several years and i recently attempted again and it ended badly. I'm not sure i'll have friends now in my life which is sad. It seems like an impossible gulf i'll never breach. I know how lonely it is. It's also hard to just talk to people now, i never know the 'correct' or 'right' way to act. Everyone else seems very far away. I hope you use the forum to your advantage though and get from it what you can. I just found it by accident and joined after reading your post. I mean, i know i have problems, but suddenly reading threads here it was like, other people have these problems. Other people get scared to go outside and walk down the street. Just knowing there are others with the same problems is helpful.
 
#17 ·
I have the same problem as you. I haven't had a friend in several years and i recently attempted again and it ended badly. I'm not sure i'll have friends now in my life which is sad. It seems like an impossible gulf i'll never breach. I know how lonely it is. It's also hard to just talk to people now, i never know the 'correct' or 'right' way to act. Everyone else seems very far away. I hope you use the forum to your advantage though and get from it what you can. I just found it by accident and joined after reading your post. I mean, i know i have problems, but suddenly reading threads here it was like, other people have these problems. Other people get scared to go outside and walk down the street. Just knowing there are others with the same problems is helpful.
welcome to the site dee. yes, there are plenty of us out there. :)
 
#19 ·
Hey donttalkmuch, I really know where you are coming from. I find myself in a similar position. What I am going to do to try to introduce some new people into my life is to start volunteering somewhere. What are some of your passions--the things you feel really strongly about? Volunteering with a cause related to your passions is a great way to meet new people with similar values.
 
#20 ·
I would look for support groups or group counceling programs around your area because this could not only help with your depression and SA but you'll be meeting new people too, new people who are going through the same thing as you. If you feel like you're not ready to take that kind of step then I'd just stick to making friends online right now. There are lots of good chatrooms and sites for you to start learning to socialize with people better. SAS is a good start =)
 
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