I asked a girl about how to make friends and be more confident - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-02-2018, 03:43 PM Thread Starter
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I asked a girl about how to make friends and be more confident


Story time!

Ok, so I went to some bowling alley and I asked a girl "How do I make friends? Obviously, I don't have a lot of confidence or any friends. What do you think I should do?". So then she asked me personal questions like "How old are you?", "Do you live with your parents?", Do you go to school?", "Are you working right now?", and "Where do you work?". I noticed that were some girls and guys hanging around her too, so she said "Well, I met this person through a friend of a friend in college and that's how I met these people and how we became friends as well. Usually, that's how a lot of young people (or college students) make friends. It also helps if you can build up a network, that's how you can make friends as well. One of the ways you make friends in college is usually through some sort of activity, organization, extracurricular activity, club, or something. Once you surround yourself with a group of people that's usually how you make friends. It also helps if you can take up an interest in something. Do you have any interests?" I said "Well, that's the thing. I don't have any interests at the moment and that's what I'm trying to figure." Then she said "It also helps if you can do a Google search for news articles and forums to search for answers because that's what a lot of people do these days. Do you have a phone?" I said "Yes". Then she said, "It also helps if you can get an app like Bumble. It's good for dating and finding friends. You can list your interests, create a profile...I would also recommend doing that, that's how I meet new friends. Are you seeing a therapist?" I said "No, but I have a psychiatrist who gives me anti-depressants and anti-psychotics." Then she said "Well, a psychiatrist is not going to help you because their job is just to prescribe you meds and that's it. They don't really help you. I would advise you to seek out a therapist because they're gonna really make you the best that you can be." "Like a cognitive-behavioral therapist?", I said. She said "Yes, exactly."

Then I asked her "Since you mentioned it, I have another question that I really wanna ask. I have a Match.com profile and I've messaged a few girls and I've gotten no replies. I've also messaged some connections (classmates from high school) on LinkedIn and nobody has responded to me. What do you think it is? And should I take it personally?" Then she says "Well, that depends on a lot of things like 'Have you taken enough profile pics?', 'Do you have a good tagline?', 'A good profile?', 'Maybe it's something you said.' It could also be that they're busy in real life and can't take the time to reply back. It's something I can't really give you a straight answer without me having looked at the specifics, like what you wrote or at your profile. But anyway, I highly recommend seeking out a therapist first because they're really gonna help you out and maybe your insurance covers it. You should also talk it over with your family and see what they say. What your ethnicity?" I told her my ethnicity and she said "Yeah, because I think ethnicity also has to do with it as well. And don't worry, I'm a therapist myself and I know patients who are going through the exact same situations as well." Then I said "Well, you know I could have asked for advice on internet forums but I figured it'd be best to actually talk to someone in person about it. I took the initiative to come here and I figured I didn't want to leave without me having accomplished something (asking someone for advice)." Then she said "And that's good."

Later on in the night she said "Are you gonna stay here or are you heading home". I said "I'm heading home." She said "Yeah, I think we're gonna head home too. What was your name?" I told her my name. She said "Well, I hope you take into consideration and remember the things that I talked to you about. I'm really wishing you good luck and oping that you'll shine bright. Have a good night."

Ok, so after all this, I obviously didn't get her phone number (which I think some of you will say that I should have) because I was already getting a vibe that she just wanted me to take into consideration and remember the things she told me and wanted us to go our separate ways from there, meaning she wanted nothing to do with me afterwards. But even so, I have no regrets for not getting her phone number because at the end of the day, I ended up receiving a lot of valuable information and I think that's what matters most.

Now of course, I already talked it over with my parents and they told me I don't need a therapist because, according to them, I "already have the confidence to talk to people. It's just a matter of practicing more and eventually the fear of talking will go away."

Even after receiving this valuable information, I figured this still might not be enough. For one, I can't go back to school for four reasons. 1) I am disqualified from receiving financial aid because I received too many W's (Withdrawals; I got 2) on classes that I dropped out of after a certain deadline without getting a W. One of those classes I dropped out of in 2012 and one in the spring of 2015, which was an English 101 class. And now I don't even qualify to take an English 101 class due to the ELA and Math assessments I recently took, for ELA it says I have to start with English 21 or English 28. I could appeal my disqualification, but I have to submit them before certain deadlines, and I also have to provide good reasons for them to reinstate my financial aid. 2) Going to school is very expensive. You have to pay for tuition (if it's not covered by Financial Aid), books, housing (if it's in a university), food, transportation, other school supplies, ect. And right now, I'm in a lot of credit card debt and I gotta worry about paying that down first. Which leads me to reason 3) If I don't even know what my interests are or what career I should take on, what's the point of going to school? IMO, it just demotivates me to not work hard in school and you think I'm just gonna take out student loans and not have a direction in life? GTFO. Yes, I know they say "Well, you should take all kinds of classes in college to find what your true interests are." Well, if I don't have a direction in life and if I'm going to be demotivated to work hard, it's not worth the risk. 4) I don't drive, yet. Another thing, I already spoke with a career counselor at my college and they were not very helpful at all in me choosing a career path.

I would also like to mention that my older brother, Eric, he got an Associates Degree in Respiratory Therapy. He thought he'd be able to get a job in that field immediately after graduation. Well, it turns out that's not the case because as he would later find out, the Respiratory Therapy job market isn't looking good right now (maybe too saturated, and they require you to be bilingual in English/Spanish), unless of course you got a friend who can get you a job in that field. That's just another reason for me to not want to go to school right now.

So for right, going to school is just out of the question. In the meantime, I'm been trying to figure out ways to make friends and increase my confidence. I did a Google search for "How to gain confidence in talking to people" and there was an ad for something called "The Confident Man Program Guide", so I bought that and now I'm reading it. Hopefully, it can help me turn things around and help me to get rid of my bad habits.

"In order to better your life, you have to want to change."
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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-03-2018, 09:14 PM
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Wow, great story! And you being able able to approach a girl with these kind of questions is very applauseable!! And that girl is smart... you seem to be quite lucky!

I'm kinda angry with your parents. Have they ever went to therapy? Doesn't look that way. It would be really beneficial to you or anyone in general, even those who think they have no issues, no doubt about it. But looks like you are 23, so I assume your finances and decisions are independent from your parents' anyways.
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-03-2018, 09:35 PM Thread Starter
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Oh, believe me. I am with you on that one. Even my mom said that I was incredibly lucky that the girl I spoke with was willing to answer my questions, give me advice, was very mature about it, and that she is a therapist herself. Of course, I did have to answer some questions of her own so that she could gauge at what my current situation was, but I had no problem with that. My mom says that had it been any other girl, they would have most likely laughed at me (probably fueled by being drunk) and ridiculed me because they would think that I'm weird, creepy, or they're thinking "What's the deal with this guy?" or "What's this guy up to?" and probably ask security to escort me out, hence they probably wouldn't be mature enough about me asking for advice. Looking back, I think what I did was very courageous and again, I just happened to be lucky. My original intention was just to come to the bowling alley and have some fun. But as time went by later on in the night, I felt I don't wanna go home and regret not asking for advice, because I think deep down inside, that's what I really wanted to accomplish when going there. And it is true, because I really had no clue about how to make friends and gain confidence and I felt the need to ask because it just kept bothering me.

"In order to better your life, you have to want to change."

Last edited by incoherentman; 06-03-2018 at 09:36 PM. Reason: Adding
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-03-2018, 10:18 PM
Oh jeez... okay.
 
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That's awesome that you found this girl to talk to. You totally lucked out any other girl or person for that matter would have probably given you ugly looks. Maybe in the future, your paths will cross. If you want to work on your again confidence I suggest reading the book the confidence gap by Russ Harris. I've been reading it for about three weeks now and so far it's been very interesting.

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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-03-2018, 10:28 PM Thread Starter
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Well, right now I'm reading "The Confident Man Project Guide" aka "Confident Man: A Step-By-Step Program for Developing your Most Valuable Asset" by Graham Stonely. I found it by doing a Google search for "how to gain more confidence talking to people" and an ad for it came up. I'm reading it right now and I find it to be interesting as well. Maybe I'll read The Confidence Gap in the future.

"In order to better your life, you have to want to change."
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-03-2018, 10:46 PM
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For many people it just comes naturally to make friends and blend in. I'm not really as bothered about making friends now but in the past i used to join clubs even if i wasn't hugely interested in such activities. It's just a good way of coming into contact with people. The same is true of working and volunteering which can help your confidence as well. I often used to force myself to ring or text people i knew who might be somewhat open to hanging out. You can't wait for people to contact you in our circumstances. It can be tough and demoralising but you just have to accept that we have a lot more to contend with than many people and there is no simple way to make friends.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-03-2018, 11:22 PM
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incoherentman, this was an amazing read. Thanks for sharing

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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-03-2018, 11:30 PM Thread Starter
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One of my main concerns right now is trying to find some interests, particularly interests that women find appealing too as suggested in "Confident Man: A Step-By-Step Program for Developing your Most Valuable Asset". But I want them to be interests that I don't give up on later on. I did that with Firefighting, Psychology, even Programming (as a hobby). Or I need to find activities that will get me involved with groups of people and making friends. And maybe even build up a network.

"In order to better your life, you have to want to change."
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-04-2018, 07:57 PM
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You are so enthusiastic and optimistic... it's contagious!
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