How to become more sucessful in 3 weeks - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-04-2010, 12:55 PM Thread Starter
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How to become more sucessful in 3 weeks


start with something simple and work your way up
JUST TRY
How to become more succesfull in just 3 weeks
(my own edition)

Day 1: Thinking about your goals, and what you want to change
Day 2: Write them down on a piece of paper
Day 3: Little challenges walking down streets: asking people for the time
Day 4: Extend your smalltalk: Ask for directions or where the paper shop is
Day 5: Go to little social places by your self: Go to the papershop and buy a newspaper
Day 6: Then maybe go to a pub and order a beer or a coke whatever
Day 7: Go to a restaurant, oder your food, ask for a serviette, sit down to eat and enjoy having all those people around you
Day 8: Walk around and try to smile (not to anyone inparticular)
Day 9: Try to say hello and goodbye to a few classmates and try starting smalltalk.
Day 10: Try out some gestures: Nodd your head to people and raise your eyebrowes to say hallo
Day 11: Try to complete a friendly open body language
Day 12: Try to look People into the eyes, have a wink here and there and keep your body straight
Day 13:Extend your smalltalk with people and start to find out about their interrests. maybe they will respond to you very positive and are glad that you like to talk about the same things.
Day 14: Try to extend your conversations.
Day 15: Ask him /her if he /she wants to have something to eat with you in town
Day 16: When you eat together you might talik about lots of interresting stuff and become sort of "little friends".
Day 17: Then maybe he/her wants to hang around with you in the breaks
Day 18: Maybe other people with the same interest join you, and you get a couple of more friends.
Day 19: Have some fun with your friends
Day 20: Join in some social activities, f.e go to a party with your friends
Day 21: Finally you have the chance to introduce yourself to other people at the party. You feel part of a social network.
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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-04-2010, 01:05 PM
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I tend to play it by ear, not make plans in advance cos then for example if I plan to speak to a stranger then it's not natural, I mean it will seem natural at the time to the other person & will become natural the more you intiate conversations but setting yourself that task defeats the object, you want to get to a stage where you're confortable taking spontaneously at any given time to anyone.

This post did make me wonder though, if it would be possible if s.ayers could act the way they wanted to be. My mum once said to me in a rather strained, disbelieving tone 'why don't you just be the person you want to be?' and I knew what she meant, why don't we just do all the things we want to do? Is it really possible?

The biggest mistake you can make in life is to be continually afraid of making one-Elbert Hubbard
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-04-2010, 01:08 PM Thread Starter
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be honest ,you have to set you goals sooner or later, otherwise everything will drift away and you will never be able to adapt to your society.
You should set your self goals,
I mean its worth giving the list a try
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-04-2010, 01:12 PM Thread Starter
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when you push everything away from you, you will never do it.
And another: In the end you will be glad to have tried out the plan
its something you can be pround of
you can at least say :" I tried it"
no worth relaxing on SA
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 02-04-2010, 01:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stargirl09 View Post
My mum once said to me in a rather strained, disbelieving tone 'why don't you just be the person you want to be?' and I knew what she meant, why don't we just do all the things we want to do? Is it really possible?
I think I agree with your mum...
Unfortunately it is easier said than done.

I am going to completely work on making myself happy.

“Fear can make you do more wrong than hate or jealousy. If you're afraid you don’t commit yourself to life completely; fear makes you always, always hold something back.”
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-03-2010, 12:44 PM Thread Starter
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well maybe you should just try it out
i mean, things can only get better for you

take a risk in life

FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-03-2010, 01:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stargirl09 View Post
This post did make me wonder though, if it would be possible if s.ayers could act the way they wanted to be. My mum once said to me in a rather strained, disbelieving tone 'why don't you just be the person you want to be?' and I knew what she meant, why don't we just do all the things we want to do? Is it really possible?
I say yes and no. I've had an experience where changing my attitude made me more effective socially. The trouble is there were real changes at the time that made me happy and confident for a day or two. Then it went back to abnormal.

I've used mantras to change my attitude and remove negative thoughts, like saying to myself "I am attractive to women" or "she wants me" to women I see that are hot. It can help remove the thoughts temporarily.

The trouble is we can't just be the person we want to be, because if that were possible, we would already be it. Social anxiety is so debilitating no one would want to have it. We have specific cognitive distortions and disabilities in reading people, we are introverted and look more to our inner world than the outer, we lack the ability to see or create affect in another person when conversing with them.

Think about people with Asperger's. They have difficultly functioning socially because of differences in how their brain works. I identified with a lot of the advice in a book designed to help Asperger's boys get through life, even though I've taken the online evaluation test and score low on it. Our symptoms overlap, even if the cause may be different.

It is true, that to some degree, you can "make it by faking it" and normal people do this all the time in little ways. We have trouble faking it because we prefer to be honest, since that is easier to keep straight. Most people engage fluently in social lies and denial of negative self-appraisals. We don't.

Experiences I'm having are changing my thinking. I know now that people do listen to what I say sometimes and appreciate it. I know that some women like me and are interested in me. I know that some of kids I went to school with liked me. I know that some girls at school were interested and I didn't realize it. These come from engaging in more social interaction, taking more risks. These positive experiences are erasing some of the social anxiety, but not the organic parts of the disease.

Anxiety is a disorder with psychological and organic components. People with anxiety do not always know where it comes from or how to deal with it. Social anxiety people suffer from cognitive distortions, unable to read people, their brains freeze up when they are out of their conform zone, they are afraid to approach people, be spontaneous or keep in touch with friends. They are quiet, keep to themselves. This offends people, hurts them and causes the more idiotic social people to lash out blindly. It takes a lot of time and effort to overcome these disabilities. Why don't we just tell paralyzed people 'why don't you just walk?' It assumes that we have power to change our minds, that its just some matter of changing our mind to be social. They don't feel the massive waves of fear we do, don't experience the blank mind when put in an extreme social situation. Its just not there.

I believe anxiety has a lot to do with social inability (and research suggests it). When I'm out of my comfort zone, I become unable to function, my brain locks up and I am silent or say stupid things. With the very same person once I know them, I am fine. I am much better talking about normal, factual things, than I am with the bantering with drinking buddies type stuff people do. I have friends who engage in all kinds of sexual innuendo and jokes with each other in mixed company. When I try to be funny and cool like they are, I end up saying things that are creepy.

Awakened at midnight
by the sound of the water jar
cracking from the ice
-- Basho (Hamill)

"People see me / I'm a challenge / to your balance" -- Wonder, Natalie Merchant
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 07-12-2010, 09:28 AM Thread Starter
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those are some good arguments
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 07-12-2010, 02:32 PM
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I agree with the tactic of charting out (on paper) a specific plan of action. I used to think that writing goals was some wishy-washy thing that had no real relevance to what you want to accomplish. But a month or two ago, I formed my own plan on paper, because I was fed up with occasionally saying to myself, "Okay, put yourself in a tough situation and you will eventually get over your anxiety", but then 'failing' in the situation and making myself feel even worse. I decided the best thing to do would be to start with very small steps like making eye contact with strangers, and then moving on to harder things according to a specific schedule. Even before starting the plan I felt better and had more hope that I could actually get over this blasted disorder.
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