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How to be yourself if you don't know who you really are?

2K views 31 replies 12 participants last post by  restoREIRA 
#1 ·
Hi, all.

I've suffered from social anxiety for most of my life, which has undeniably had an effect on my relationships with others--and, most importantly, my relationship with myself. For several years of my life (particularly my teenage years), I tried hard to fit in and be the version of myself that people expected. I was always quiet and tried my best to keep people happy so they would like me.

Now I'm an adult who can't help looking at herself with disgust. Lately, though, I've been trying to change that and accept myself for who I am. But the problem is that I don't really know who that is. For as long as I can remember, I've always pretended to be something that I'm not. I've pretended to agree with people on things that completely went against my actual opinions, just so I wouldn't upset the other person. And, more often than not, I spend my time pretending to be someone else and ask myself what they would do in the situations I encounter. Whether it's a character from a book or a show, or even someone in real life that I admire, I'm always trying to be someone else because it's much more interesting than being myself.

The problem is, my desire to be accepted by others and to feel fulfilled has led me to lose any sense of who I am. Believe me, I've TRIED to get to know myself. I've thrown myself into hobbies, meditated, and really contemplated on who I am. I've tried to think about what I like, what makes me happy, what I can't stand, what ignites my passion--not to mention, the whole gamut of generic self-help advice that tells you ways to find yourself without actually telling you how to do it. But the problem is that I change my mind so often... I can never keep interested in one aspect because I'm always adapting to make myself fit a certain mold. My brain cannot stop thinking about how amazing someone else is--real or fictional--and how incredible it would be to be like them. I've found myself doing so many things because others do it, to the point that I'm not even sure what I actually like and what I just think I should like.

I have such a bland and boring personality 90% of the time, to the point that people just forget I exist. I've tried reaching out to others in the hopes of forming a connection with someone, but it never amounts to anything. I even tried practicing forming friendships/acquaintanceships online in things like Discord. That just ended with me basically agreeing with what everyone else said and contributing very little to the conversation, to the point that others just ignored me completely.

Honestly, I'm at the point where I'm so tired of feeling miserable about who I am. I want to love myself first, but I can't love someone who is barely there. And I know I can't expect others to love me when I can't even do that for myself. I want to be confident in who I am, but I don't know how to discover who that is. Sorry to ramble on for so long; I've kept this pent up and it all came flooding out. If anyone is willing to share their thoughts/offer advice, I would really appreciate it. Thanks to everyone who took the time to read all or at least most of this.
 
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#2 ·
Perhaps moving away from the implicit notion you seem to have that you have an essential self to discover might be helpful. It might provide you space to not be so stressed about finding out who you are exactly. Also, looking into what the Buddha had to say in regards to that might be helpful.

There's nothing wrong with being agreeable -- being high in agreeableness is treated with approbation by the Big Five personality traits theory. It's unfortunate that the internet rewards inflammatory contrarians with more attention because contrarians can suck all the air out of the room, leaving many of those who are agreeable feeling left out.

I commiserate with your feeling of disgust for yourself. This is something I've been attempting to ameliorate for many years, only to be met with failure, except when sedated away. The amount of disgust that I have for myself is overwhelming at times. Please, please, please try not to feel disgust for yourself because it will only make things worse. Try to be patient, kind, and compassionate toward yourself, and also try to surround yourself with people who are patient, kind, and compassionate toward you. I'd suggest compassion meditation, but you probably already know about it.
 
#3 ·
Thanks!

Perhaps moving away from the implicit notion you seem to have that you have an essential self to discover might be helpful. It might provide you space to not be so stressed about finding out who you are exactly. Also, looking into what the Buddha had to say in regards to that might be helpful.

There's nothing wrong with being agreeable -- being high in agreeableness is treated with approbation by the Big Five personality traits theory. It's unfortunate that the internet rewards inflammatory contrarians with more attention because contrarians can suck all the air out of the room, leaving many of those who are agreeable feeling left out.

I commiserate with your feeling of disgust for yourself. This is something I've been attempting to ameliorate for many years, only to be met with failure, except when sedated away. The amount of disgust that I have for myself is overwhelming at times. Please, please, please try not to feel disgust for yourself because it will only make things worse. Try to be patient, kind, and compassionate toward yourself, and also try to surround yourself with people who are patient, kind, and compassionate toward you. I'd suggest compassion meditation, but you probably already know about it.
Thanks for replying!

I can definitely see how moving away from that notion would help, but it's something I just can't let go of. The problem is that there are times when I've had a glimpse of who I really am, times when I've felt so certain of myself.

When this happens, I really love the person I "see", but I can't hold onto that feeling. It's more akin to when you have a dream that makes you wake up feeling wonderful. But when you try to recall it (or even if you don't), the dream just slips away without you knowing what triggered such a positive feeling. I have some (rare) days where I feel like I'm resonating with my true self and that confidence shows; it seems like on those days, others even take notice. I try hard to replicate those thoughts and feelings, but it's not as simple as just telling myself to be confident like I was then.

You're definitely right about being agreeable. I can't stand when others are contrary just for the sake of being so, and there's a certain tact for disagreeing with someone. But I think I'm TOO agreeable on most things. I mean, not in a major sense (i.e., if someone is making disparaging remarks about certain groups of people, I'll state that I disagree). It's more of small things, like someone saying a movie I enjoy is garbage. Instead of being honest and saying how I really feel, I just end up saying "Yeah, you're so right". It's something small, but it happens so often that it irks me.

I appreciate your advice and I'll continue working on being more compassionate with myself. I hope you are able to do the same.
 
#7 ·
Thanks!

What a nice sophisticated support dialog! 🙂

I would like to add that we are all constantly discovering and reinventing ourselves!

Like already mentioned:
Always be kind to yourself, don't desperately try to be somebody else, stay true to yourself!
Thanks for replying!

That is a good way of putting it; it's just, in my case, I reinvent myself entirely too often and not for the right reasons. I don't want an unchanging version of myself by any means, but I do want that moment of, "Ah-ha! This is the real me" (even if that "me" will eventually change).

Being kinder to myself is definitely a tedious process, but I feel like it's gotten marginally better now that I've committed myself to some soul-searching. Plus, when I get support on these posts from you and others, it really does make me feel hopeful. So thank you for your advice!
 
#12 ·
Thanks!



Thanks for replying!

Yeah, I agree with that philosophy completely. Many of the times I've had that moment of feeling like "myself" are times when I'm not trying to be anything at all. However, when I attempt to replicate that "don't try" attitude, it just makes me try even harder. It's kinda like being on a restrictive diet, where the more you try not to think about food, the more you end up thinking about food. Hopefully, it's something that will get easier with time and practice.
 
#10 ·
It's hard. I never really feel as though I'm being myself. I can't think of a situation where I've felt truly comfortable with myself, especially when it comes to how I think other's see me. Sometimes I feel like a living blank slate of a person when it comes to personality. Welcome to my perpetual identity crisis.
 
#13 ·
Thanks!



Thanks for replying!

What you've said sums up my feelings perfectly. In fact, a "blank slate" is how I perceive myself quite often. It's especially true when it comes to being around other people and how I think they perceive me. I tend to adapt myself to match their mood and adjust my opinions/interests to align more with theirs. Sometimes, I leave feeling like I've finally found who I want to be because I'm absorbing the other person's personality. But eventually, it fades, leaving me with that sinking feeling that I really don't have a personality of my own.

Thanks for sharing your experience. It actually helps to know that I'm not alone in this regard.
 
#14 ·
The problem is that if you're quite abnormal like if you have severe social anxiety you are told by the medical establishment and by society that you're wrong and you need to get to your actual personality. Like there's a strong, fixed personality waiting to be discovered. Anyway being a shapeshifter is a personality it's just that your personality or parts of it changes and that's pathologised because people find inconsistency distressing.

Oh but uh, most people really aren't amazing lol.

If you want to envy someone for being impressive, envy plants they're really pulling their weight.



This guy has comedy voice.
 
#16 ·
Thanks!

The problem is that if you're quite abnormal like if you have severe social anxiety you are told by the medical establishment and by society that you're wrong and you need to get to your actual personality. Like there's a strong, fixed personality waiting to be discovered. Anyway being a shapeshifter is a personality it's just that your personality or parts of it changes and that's pathologised because people find inconsistency distressing.

Oh but uh, most people really aren't amazing lol.

If you want to envy someone for being impressive, envy plants they're really pulling their weight.

This guy has comedy voice.
Thanks for replying!

Your post is pretty interesting and brings up some good points. I definitely think that changing personalities (shapeshifting) is a facet of my real personality. Truth be told, I find it a lot of fun to act as another person and see things from their POV⁠-or, at least, I did before I realized that being someone else all the time was my way of avoiding things and didn't address my real issues.

I certainly don't think my true self is amazing by any means, but they're still a person I'd like to get to know. The true "me" I've had glimpses of seems like a more balanced combination of all the traits I've acquired from others, while this "me" is just a messy amalgamation of those personas. It's kind of like an actor/actress forgetting they're still in character long after the performance has ended. I just want a clear line of where "I" end and where "someone else" begins, if that makes sense. I don't want this part of me to disappear; I just want it to be balanced.

Great, now I'm jealous of vegetation.
 
#20 ·
it's kind of hard to know who "yourself" really is. I could say I have said 'hey, i like that about that other person' this or that person and then i implemented it into my personality bc it resonates with me so i would say it's still 'yourself' but your newly discovered part of yourself. i also have advice, next time if a group of people say something like they don't like the movie that 'you' like, in order to be yourself, you can just be silent and if they ask you then you could say 'i like the movie'- you don't have to agree with everything, you're a unique individual. if they don't like it, there's someone else out there who would be like you, take care
 
#21 ·
Thanks for replying!

It's true that there have been times when imitating someone else has led me to discover things that I actually like. However, this is usually the exception and not the rule. One of the biggest issues I have with "borrowing" traits from others is that it feels disingenuous. I tend to only implement the traits I think others will admire more so than ones I myself find admirable. It's just difficult for me to analyze in that moment why I want to take a particular trait from someone else.
 
#22 ·
Be somebody else.
 
#24 ·
I don't think I've thought about that for a long time. I'd say I have a very strong sense of who I am now - I'd say I probably should do by now because I'll be 62 in December.

That doesn't mean I'm confident enough to always share what I really think - often that wouldn't be a good idea. And besides - it's unnecessary.

I know what I'm like. Some of it scares the **** out of me tbh. But the people I care about still care about me so that counts for a lot as far as I'm concerned.
 
#29 ·
Thanks!

I don't think I've thought about that for a long time. I'd say I have a very strong sense of who I am now - I'd say I probably should do by now because I'll be 62 in December.

That doesn't mean I'm confident enough to always share what I really think - often that wouldn't be a good idea. And besides - it's unnecessary.

I know what I'm like. Some of it scares the **** out of me tbh. But the people I care about still care about me so that counts for a lot as far as I'm concerned.
Thanks for replying!

I doubt I'll ever be confident enough to share what I think in every situation, either. And usually, that is for the best! I hope someday I'll develop a stronger sense of self; my "self" is almost nonexistent around others, to say nothing of when I'm alone. I'm at the point where I just want to meet "me", regardless of who that really is.
 
#25 ·
The key issue for social anxiety users is that they don't have that many friends, so in turn they use the people pleaser method so they can keep their relationship [which is bad because you could potentially get into toxic relationships]. Example are agreeing with everything that person said, never speaking back ect. But if you find at least 4-6 friends you don't need to be people pleaser because if one of your friend doesn't like you, its okay, you have the 5 others. That way you dont need to people please.

 
#30 ·
Thanks!



Thanks for replying!

Being a people pleaser is something I've struggled with for a large chunk of my life. I do tend to agree with everyone because I despise conflict and hate making things awkward. This did lead me to develop toxic friendships with others (but I've finally gotten out of them). Gaining close friends is something I want to eventually work towards, but first I need to work on developing my friendship with myself.

And thanks for the vid!
 
#26 ·
Think this might promote Freudian and to some extent Erikson's theories, but the best advice I can really give is this:

Have you always had trouble with identity and felt inferior even as a child? Even as you tried fitting in, did you feel like it still isolated you in some way and/or felt like you be outside of yourself in some way as you tried doing so?

It's normal for people to accommodate some aspects of themselves in order to socially 'fit in' within different scenarios. But if it questions your whole identity then there might be 'some' components within your development that might have been missed. Inferiority complexes tend to mess things up and never probably addressed or else it could be useful for evolving a concrete personality or otherwise neglected. You're not the only one who has some of these aspects happened to, which is why I'm asking and responding with my take on it (of course it should be taken with a grain of salt since it's not professional content.) I don't know about the part with fictional characters even though I've heard about that too.

A post can only say so much on the full picture which we cannot know through a screen alone.
 
#31 ·
Thanks!



Thanks for replying!

Interesting you should mention missed milestones, because I've been wondering if that's a factor, too. I think the trouble that I have with my own inferiority stems from certain experiences I had during childhood.

Contrary to now, I was actually an extremely social, lively child. I was loud (and admittedly obnoxious), which led to a lot of my classmates bullying, teasing, and/or ignoring me. I remember being confused by their rejection, but I still persisted in being who I was. Around my second year, I was molested by a family member who would babysit for my parents. Truth be told, I don't remember much about it, just a room full of people staring at me and making me uncomfortable while I was asked to describe what happened. After that, I remember that I really started to notice how differently everyone treated me and I would get upset that so many kids didn't like me. After two more years, my mother finally decided to transfer me to another school. I probably thought that if I wasn't so loud, people might like me more. So at my new school, I barely spoke to anyone, was pegged the shyest person in the class, and had the same five friends until high school.

I don't think about those experiences very much at all, but I do feel like they play some role in my social anxiety. Since then, I've always felt inferior to others, like you said. I just don't know how to break away from the problem.
 
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#32 ·
Thanks!

The concept I'd like to share with you -

BE YOUR WHOLE SELF.

You are not the "authentic self" or the "inauthentic self", you are ALL OF IT.

Express all of it, the in-authenticity is part of you as well. The social mask is psychological, not physical.

You are an animal trying to survive. When I'd say is continue to try and get to know yourself on a deep level, and realise that everything is you, even the trying to be something that you're not is you.

But once you start to become more confident in yourself fully and accept it, the mask, the fear and the inauthenticity start to fade away as the fear fades as well.

You are ALL of it.

Everything you could possibly express is you, even the fakeness. The fakeness is survival. The mask is survival.

The goal is really to try and accept and love yourself as much as you can. Understand it all.
Thanks for replying!

That's an interesting stance to take. I do think my desire to be someone else is just a natural aspect of who I am. There are times when I genuinely enjoy being another person, so I don't ever want to lose that part of me. Survival is a big factor in my desire to change myself because it makes it easier for me to fit in and avoid confrontation. I'll definitely try to keep trying to get to know myself and maybe someday I'll be able to accept the real and the fake.
 
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