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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-03-2015, 09:44 AM Thread Starter
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How i overcame social anxiety


Hi, my name is Empty7 and 2 years ago I used to have social anxiety to the point where I was afraid to leave the house.

Now, I'm 100 cured to the point where I help other people overcome thier fears, people who never had social anxiety in the first place but rather insecurities.

Yesterday, I was going to a bad with some friends (I used to be forever alone too, and bullied too, I'll get to that later) and I met with a friend on the road, and 10 meters behind him was a girl, he told me he doesn't know who she is, so the next second I went to her and said "Hi, my friend wants to know what's your name" , she told him her name and so the conversation started.

I wish to apologise from now on in case I'll have bad grammar, I'm kinda rushing.

Back to the social anxiety.

ANXIETY: I won't tell you my story because you're here for the cure. Just know that my social anxiety started when I was 14 in high school because nobody liked me, and I was builed too (becase I had no friends so I was an easy target, and most importantly I didn't knew how to deal with bullying).

My 1st step to cure was watching "Deep inner games" DVD Program by David Deangelo. There's a series of videos on the internet called "Deep inner games" that's about psychology. It was the most useful video I have watched to this day (and this include things non-realted to social anxiety too, it's simply life boost advce, wisdom 101) so start watching "Deep inner games", it's also about dating but that's not it's main purpose. There's also a section dedicated to anxiety where you will understand what anxiety is all about, also how to deal with it. (Short answer is: courage; and long answer: watch the videos and you'll understand, everything will make sense).

http://doubleyourdating.com/deepinnergame/

My 2nd step was watching the Treatment (Cognitive-behavioural therapy threatment) from:

https://socialanxietyinstitute.org/s...social-anxiety

If anything you read from now on doesn't make sense to you, it may be because you don't know the information from Deep Inner Games. I recommend watching Deep Inner Games if something doesn't make sense to you.

With such a name "Cognitive-behavioural therapy" or CBT it may sound like brain washing, that was my 1st fear when it came to watching this video, irrational fear, but I watched it anyway. There's no such thing as "brain-washing" in this videos, no such thing as "brain-washing" in marketing either, it's really just a metaphorical word people use to throw at - lies - or things they higlhy disagree with and can't even stand hearing them (this is not the case, but I just said what "brain-washing" is, for the record). So it's not brain-washing, nobody can reprogram your brain unless he cracks it open with some sciencific robots, what "brain-washing" really is in the social term is "lying to you" thus "making you believe lies", nothing sciencific.

Cognitive means "thinking", the process of thinking is called cognition. It works with beliefes -> what you think as true , and values -> what you find important. You change your beliefs and values all the time, you often discover something new that you find more important than something else, here's a few examples:
(You used to play fotball, but then you've discovered baseball, you like baseball more -> Value changed ; You used to hate black people, but then a black man helped you, you don't hate black people anymore. -> Both a value (your treatment towards black people) and a belief (your opinion on black people) changed.)

Your values are based on your feelings and your beliefs. Your beliefs includes your values, in fact, values are beliefs of importance. Beliefs = what you believe to be true. Values = what you believe to be important from what you believe to be true. Becasue you can't have values of things you've never heard about, if I say what do you think about the "Martian" aliens do you think they are good or evil ? but what do you think about the "Centauriens" aliens ? You may give me an answer, but before I mentioned "Centauriens", you had no value of "Centaurients" because you had no belief of them, not even in the form of an idea.

There's always that "Who you are" that draws you back because you don't want to change (but you don't really change, I'll talk about that later). You need to live a happy life, that's your purpose, and in order to do that you need to both the beliefs and values that make you happy. Beliefs (works with true / false) have to be true, because lying to yourself never helps long-term, so your purpose with beliefs is to be true. And values (works with good / bad) have to be the ones that make you happy. For the record, both positive things (helping, cooperation, family, non-destrcutive hobbies, etc) and negative things (drugs, vices, greed, etc) can make you happy, but from my experience, the negative things only make you happy on the short-term.

Ok, so cognitive only changes your beliefs and values. You need to change your beliefs because your beliefs are inaccurate, in the definition of social anxiety there are such words as "irrational fear", you might acknoledge that your fear is irrational but you don't know why and you're not sure about it, because if you were sure about it, you would have no problems doing the otherwise of what the fear says. You may think "I know the fear is irrational" but you may also thing "When I'm feeling afraid, I know I'm awkward", people won't like me", that's why CBT works with beliefs and values.

The behavorial part is about attitude -> how you react. For example: "when bad things happen you, you can either do nothing, complain, or deal with them." that reaction of yours of either doing nothing, complaining or dealing with them is your attitude, the way you react to things happening in your enviroment. There are many quotes about attitude on the internet.

WHO YOU ARE, is not who you think you are. Your beliefs, values and attitudes have nothing to do with your core personality, they change all the time, people change them all the time. The point is to have good beliefs that tell the truth, good values that move you into the direction of making you happy, and good attitude that deals with any problem as soon as they appear.

For the record, if you're looking for a sense of self, you're the sum of many things.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5t7Rc_Okw5A

https://www.ted.com/talks/hetain_pat..._i_think_again

Now that I've hopefully cleared some insecurities (fear of unknown).

The 3rd step is doing courage. After doing the 1st and 2nd step, you're going to be a lot less afraid than you were before, because insecuirty is now going to be replaced with certainty. Not because something has changed in your enviorment, but because now you know how things work. And you no longer have inaccurate beliefs (lies you believe in). The fear is not going to be instantly 100% off, because even if now you're know how things work (especially with "Deep Inner Games") you've never tested it, and after you test it and see that all that bad thing that kept happening, and happening, and happening was just your interpreation of reality (even if people are bad to you, that doesn't mean you have to sit down and cry. But most of the time, if people aren't openly hostile to you, you're most likely just going to interpret each of their gesturse as personal hostility even if that's hardly what they meant).

So there are the 3 steps:
1) Check out Deep Inner Games. (by David Deangelo)
2) Check out that CBT.
3) Do Courage now that you know how things work.

"Often the difference between a succesful man and a failure is not one's better abilities or ideas, but the courage that one has to bet on his ideas, take a calculated risk, and to act."
"A healthy mentality is the one that should try to fix the things that doesn't work well, not leave and cope with them."
"A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him."
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/...xiety-1585210/
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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-03-2015, 09:45 AM Thread Starter
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BULLYING:
- Why do they bully you ?
Not because your mom is fat, not because you have glasses, there are just tools, they don't matter, if you didn't had anything that they could pick on then they would have invented something. But the real reason is because A) you're an easy target (no to few friends, few people to hate them for wronging you) and B) (and most influencial) because you get mad. That's the reason they bully you - because you get mad, that's where their satisfaction coems from, you getting mad.

If you don't get mad, and ignore them without looking mad or worse (for them), you agree with them (- "You're ugly" - "Yeah, I know, I wish I was as handsome as you guys).

http://bullies2buddies.com/

"Don't answer to challenges from other people, not figthing back isn't weakness but wisdom."

FOREVER ALONE: I don't know how to do it for every possible situation because I don't have all the possible situations. I can only tell you how I've made it (and check out that bullies to buddies too, there's an alternate way of doing it there too), I just got my bike and cycled to the town alone, day 1, day 2, day 3, eventually I started a conversation with somebody, day 4, day 5, day 6, I've meet somebody else, I have no ideea whether I approached them or they approached me (probably they because I was kinda afraid) but a week or 2 after that I would hang out with him and his group of friends at night. And so I got people to hang out with. Not to mention, after I stopped having social anxiety I started being more engaging with people (turns out not all my high-school colleauges hated me) and had even more people to hang out with.

SOCIALLY AWKWARD: Socially awkard = lack of confidence + lack of social skills.

For confidence -> Fake confidence until you got it (acutally works, studies). + Join a Boxing club (seriously, look for a club in your town / city).

For social skills -> Get social experience by hanging out with people.

Other Challenges:

CHEMICAL IMBALLANCE: That's the biggest prejudice I've ever seen, it's a rumor. The same as "we only use 10% of our brain" and "Einstein was bad at math" lies. Well the fact, that there's a chemical imballance in your brain is true, only that fact alone. But the "fact" that this is the reason / cause / persistance for social anxiety is wrong, the typical worst case scenario = true anxiey problem. It is never stated that way anywhere, people just assume that, but it's not true. Neuroplasticity is the propriety of the brain to rewire itself, your brain changes this very moment, your brain also changes as you change your beliefs, your values or your attitude, your brain also changes when you learn something new, physically I mean. So if you want to change your brain then change your beliefs, your values, your attitude.

* EDIT: I saw some auto-links from VigLink to some books for the words "change your beliefs" and "Deep Inner Game" (which I doubt it's related to the David Deangelo's Deep Inner Game). I did not put those links nor ever red that book in my life, you might as well ignore the VigLinks. *

There may be people who don't believe me, but here's wikipedia:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuroplasticity

And here's my experience: I got rid of social anxiety without any meds. How would that be possible if the chemical imballance is the reason / cause / persistance for social anxiety ? It's only a side-effect. You can change it with believes, values, attitude, aka things included in "Deep Inner Game" and CBT.

WHY PEOPLE KEEP HAVING ANXIETY FOR YEARS: Unlike other sections, this is only a theory, because I do not speak from experience, only from what I've noticed. Socal anxiety it's like having a physical disease. You can either look for ways to treat it, or ways to cope with it. Unlike physical diseases you don't have an immunity system here, you've got to be the immunity system yourself. If you don't, then you'll never find a cure.

And with the catastrophizing from social anxiety it's quite easy to claim that "I'll never find a cure" or "I'll never get rid of this", and quite irronically you won't, but not because the cure is impossible to find, I'm not the first nor the last person to get rid of social anxiety, but because you don't even try.

After I got rid of social anixety I realised that:

- People didn't hated me or had a negative attitude towards me because I'm a weirdo. Including people in high-school, I've got friends.

(I really am a weirdo in the real meaining of it, the one that stands out because of this. There's nothing bad with this, some people enjoy my company because of this, weird = different, that's the plain definition, you'll find plenty of people who like people outside of normality, it's just that with social anixety you're going to take the worst case scenario as true even if you have little to no evidence for it, your judgment is not reliable, get rid of anxiety first. Anyway, these are things you're going to discover in the first 2 steps already.)

- There's really no problem if people don't like you or disagree with you, the ironic thing about the social anxiety is that the real problem is the fear, the thing you're afraid of is non-existent.

- There is one thing to consider what other people think about you, as take into account, for reputation (but right now, with social anxiety, you're going to catastrophize everything, including your future, I guess there's no need to say that that's irrational). And another thing to care what other people think about you, as taking it personally or being emotionally affected (sad or upset) by being disliked or rejected.

- My social devize is "Do what you want without caring what other people think about you, your only limit is the moral limit."

- And a lot of other things that it could take me a day to write here, not everybody is nice, but my view of the world (beliefs), my values, and the "people don't like me, I have to crawl back to my cave" automatic reaction to things (attitude), were way too innacurate, they made no sense, but I kept doing them out of fear, and I wasn't able to realise how and why my fear is irrational so I was stuck. "Deep Inner Games" and CBT actually offered a great way out of that irratioanlty, and actually doing courage destroyed that.

MY EXPERIENCE WITH SOCIAL ANXIETY: Looking back, I can say that the social anxiety was actually good experience, this may sound like a shock to you, but in order to get rid of social anxiety you need to understand some things that other people will never know because they never had this learned fear in the first place. In the process you'll get wiser than your age.

After you get rid of social anxiety, you'll get the bonus of seeing the irrationality in other people as far as this subject is concerned, they don't have social anxiety but 80% of them (not all) have social fears (fear of what other people think about them, only that they don't have the beliefs of "I'm weird" , "People won't like me" , "I will make a bad impression"), including the ones that are not shy. You on the other hand, won't be having these problems anymore, and will be able to irronicaly, help other people confront these kinds of fears, because you've been through worse and survived. But don't let it get to your head just yet, start the program, bye.

:

"Often the difference between a succesful man and a failure is not one's better abilities or ideas, but the courage that one has to bet on his ideas, take a calculated risk, and to act."
"A healthy mentality is the one that should try to fix the things that doesn't work well, not leave and cope with them."
"A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him."
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/...xiety-1585210/
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-03-2015, 01:51 PM
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So it's not brain-washing, nobody can reprogram your brain unless he cracks it open with some sciencific robots, what "brain-washing" really is in the social term is "lying to you" thus "making you believe lies", nothing sciencific.

You have a very long way to go, and so do I.


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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-04-2015, 03:43 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Empty7 View Post
BULLYING:
...because you get mad, that's where their satisfaction coems from, you getting mad.
Nice post!

This is 100% right, and you have two(2) successful comebacks:
1.) You do nothing be nothing, don't get hurt or act like you didn't get hurt.
2.) Better way, you hurt them even more and they will never come close to you

I found that answer in this movie (first 80sec of video):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6I2cu6h7Ycs

...
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-04-2016, 10:08 AM
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I'm not knocking what you have said Empty7 because I haven't seen Deep Inner Games. I am here to say that I believe 100% in CBT. Without it I would still be believing in my own "lies" as you called them.
Thanks for the info.

I want to live life belonging!
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-04-2016, 11:53 AM
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I totally agree with most of what you're saying however there are also those of us who have been hurt by other people in the past and we've heard negative things about us said from other people because we were socially awkward.

However, just because some people don't like us doesn't mean that not everyone will. We do have friends, and, we definitely should remember that when bad things happen!!
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-04-2016, 03:03 PM
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I was just about to say that it's yet another thread all about advertising a website, but OP indeed seems legit. Kudos to that, great thread.
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-05-2016, 01:15 AM
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What about depression? That's like my biggest problem. I can't work on social anxiety if I'm always depress.
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 02-10-2016, 01:26 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by visualkeirockstar View Post
What about depression? That's like my biggest problem. I can't work on social anxiety if I'm always depress.
My experience with depression was that I was doing the 3 steps mentioned above: watching deep inner games, doing CBT and having courage while being depressed. It's much harder than if you were not depressed because while being depressed you aren't in the mood to do anything, but much harder doesn't mean impossible. You can do it too!

My advice is to have an attitude that gets things done dispite of depression, and to check out the internet for ways to deal with depression, and also check out the Deep Inner Games and CBT programs, as far as I can remember, they also mention ways to deal with depression.

Here's a few examples of things you can find on the internet, I have only watched the 1st one (now, not when I had social anxiety), they seem to be very useful:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkdaKHeaU2E

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_gJY-JvJ-g

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYX87kkyubk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VsVHbDsOU1M

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0EH2IlPMqM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKcRSboPgU4

But first and foremost I recommend the Deep Inner Games and CBT programs.

"Often the difference between a succesful man and a failure is not one's better abilities or ideas, but the courage that one has to bet on his ideas, take a calculated risk, and to act."
"A healthy mentality is the one that should try to fix the things that doesn't work well, not leave and cope with them."
"A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him."
http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/...xiety-1585210/
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-14-2016, 07:20 PM
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Sound tips, thanks!
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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-15-2016, 05:42 AM
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 03-17-2016, 09:48 AM
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You can defet anxiety by working with brain ,give him to positivity ,give him positive and constructive emorions ,delete the traunma from him and after that you will see it will give you the desire results
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 05-11-2016, 06:39 AM Thread Starter
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Glad I could help!

I also realised I haven't talked about communication, so...

COMMUNICATION: There's a difference between being a people pleaser and being polite and kind. Know your own values, know your own expectations. And you will know your purpose.

Don't have communication expectations. You don't need to meet communication expectations. It's not a job, it's communication, it's supposed to be fun. You don't need to impress anyone with your communication skills or to make yourself likeable through trying to meet other people's communications standards. You don't have to say what the other person thinks is the right thing, you don't have to say what the other person thinks is the wrong thing. Instead, meet your own communication standards. Say what you think is the right thing and what feels authentically to you, as scary as it sounds. Remember: your values, your expectations.

I'm not a speech guru, but here are sone good communication tips:

- When you introduce to someone say their name. People like hearing their name. "Hi John!" or "Hi Samantha!".

- When you thank someone for a favor, mention the favor too. "Thank you for helping me with those bags" or "Thank you for the information". People will see it as a real appreciation, not just 'a thank you'.

As for the fear of MISTAKE and REJECTION:

- A mistake is not a catastrophe, we only make it a catastrophe in our head only. You know when you're walking in the house and you hit your toe on a piece of furniture ? That's what a mistake is like. Just a moment hit, just a moment hurt, it will pass and you will be better. The only real mistske is not doing anything new out of fear of making a mistske. What about the fear of never trying ? Imagine what you lose if you don't try, you lose a fairly good chance. Where as if you try, you can't say you haven't gave it a shoot.

- There are 2 kinds of people in the world. 1) Those that are not liked by everyone. 2) Those that don't exist. It's the same as with the mistake. Just go for it! Go and introduce yourself, join a club, anything. You can even try and do as in the golden rules (see the bulling section) says. If you try and then someone rejects you, fine, it happens, to people without social anxiety included, it won't kill you, it's not the end of the world. Eventually if you keep trying you'll find people who like you.

If you have a hard time fitting in maybe it's because you were meant to be extraordinary, not ordinary. No 'facebook post', it's realistic, think about it, you sure have qualities that others don't.
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