How Do Stop Being Anxious About One Specific Person? - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-04-2020, 01:25 PM Thread Starter
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How Do Stop Being Anxious About One Specific Person?


So here's a specific problem I struggle with.

Sometimes when I like someone and place value on their perspective and opinion of me......I then get anxiety around that person or any time I know I'm about to be around that person. Sometimes I get anxiety thinking '' what if I bump into that person ''.

Here's an example: When I was in high school, I liked this girl. She was in some of my classes. Initially I was excited whenever I had a class with her, because that would be an opportunity to see and interact with her.....but soon anxiety took over. And then I became anxious anticipating when I'd see her because I reached this state of mind - " Ok she has a good impression of me now....DON'T MESS THIS UP! ''.

And after I reached that state of mind, I actually got excited whenever she didn't turn up to school because I thought '' Phew I can relax now! '' (She used to skip school a lot). But whenever I was in a class with her, all I could think of was '' Don't make a bad impression! Stay calm, act normal ''

I don't think this is how most people go about this predicament. Most people would only get excited about whenever they'd see their crush because that would be an opportunity to talk......not the other way around.

I have this huge fear of potentially creeping people out. Which I why I struggle with things like eye contact. I can make eye contact, but I think all sorts of other things like '' how much is too much eye contact and how much is too little? '' So I keep making and breaking eye contact awkwardly because I don't know how to do it naturally. And I'm afraid of creeping the other person out.

So whenever I was in a class with that girl, I kept stressing over stuff like this. Of how I'm coming across to her. '' Am I acting weird or normal? ''. The anxiety came from the fact that I have already established a good impression on her, and now its my job to not ruin it.

And this is what happens every time I start valuing anyone's opinion of me. It doesn't have to be a crush. But it can be anyone. It's awful. Any time I become friendly with someone, instead of talking to them more, I get anxious about them and worry about not acting weird/creepy around them.

How do you get over this?
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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-04-2020, 09:09 PM
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The only one working option was to not see that person again... If possible... But in classes that's not even an option...

Even shy people can be sassy sometimes...
I'll put drunk raccoon in my signature as well, because I CAN...
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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-05-2020, 09:57 PM Thread Starter
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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-06-2020, 03:10 AM
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Yeah that's tough. You're afraid that this person will change their view towards you, so you push them away instead and start getting into avoidant behavior. I guess you have to analyze why you're afraid of this person changing their impression of you. Say she gets to know you more and realizes she doesn't like you. Yeah that hurts - but it's normal and part of human interaction. That's how you know whether you're compatible with someone or not. It needs to happen to be able to develop anything from it.

You're afraid she won't like you. What happens if she doesn't like you? Nothing. You just won't be hanging out...pretty much like now. Right now your anxiety is giving you the same result.
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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-06-2020, 09:11 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by aqwsderf View Post
Yeah that's tough. You're afraid that this person will change their view towards you, so you push them away instead and start getting into avoidant behavior. I guess you have to analyze why you're afraid of this person changing their impression of you. Say she gets to know you more and realizes she doesn't like you. Yeah that hurts - but it's normal and part of human interaction. That's how you know whether you're compatible with someone or not. It needs to happen to be able to develop anything from it.
Oh no, it's not that. It's something way more terrifying than that lol. This is more of an extreme form of performance anxiety (trying very hard to not do something that'll sabotage it).

I'm not afraid of people not liking me because they think I'm not compatible. I know inside that I'm a pretty interesting person and I'm not a creep or weirdo. But what if I do something out of my anxiety, that will in turn come off as creepy.

Like I said earlier on in the post, this is a more specific problem where I'm worried about doing something insane that will creep the other person out. Just for the sake of an example, consider this:

Let's say you're a guy and you're talking to a girl and everything is going well. And suddenly your anxiety tells you, '' Hey you've got a nice thing going on here. Do you know what can instantly F up this whole thing? - If you were to look at her breasts and start drooling! That ought to freak her out! ''

And then the thought of that potentially happening scares you so much that you become nervous and act jittery. And you try your best to not look there and act weird.....you eventually act in a way that comes off as weird. That's what anxiety does.

I don't know if this is a form of OCD or what. Or maybe other SA people also go through it.
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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-07-2020, 12:38 PM Thread Starter
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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-12-2020, 02:48 AM
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@DukeDuck : Wow I know exactly how you feel! I could have written your post.

It's really mentally exhausting.

There is this trainer from work that I find attractive. She comes into my office every few months. And when I know she's coming I get so anxious!

She came in yesterday and I couldn't sleep the night before! I can't talk to her and get anxious when she's around my desk. I was a bit social yesterday because when I'm sleep deprived I'm a bit uninhibited lol. I did speak to her about work a bit.

I hate that I want to come across as "perfect". But it's not just with her, I've always been like that. But I'm trying to worry less about how I come across. I want to be free. I hate playing what happened constantly in my mind and end up losing confidence and hating myself.

Sorry I don't know what advice to give because I'm a mess. I guess just try to not care.
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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-12-2020, 03:13 AM
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Try to find flaws on that person. Once you do, focus on those and you will find them to be imperfect in your mind. So that will possibly rid the intimidating aura you see of them. Which might help rid your anxiety when you're around them. Because you will think, they are not perfect themselves and have flaws, so why should I care so much in being and looking perfect in their eyes. I will just be myself. And what not.

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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-13-2020, 10:06 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Blue Dino View Post
Try to find flaws on that person. Once you do, focus on those and you will find them to be imperfect in your mind. So that will possibly rid the intimidating aura you see of them. Which might help rid your anxiety when you're around them. Because you will think, they are not perfect themselves and have flaws, so why should I care so much in being and looking perfect in their eyes. I will just be myself. And what not.
I'm going to be honest. I thought you were joking at first, but that actually can be helpful! :P

That would make them less intimidating. It also shifts the focus away from yourself and that eases the pressure.
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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-14-2020, 12:55 AM
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Establish enough with them so you could "jokingly" tell them about this anxiety and how it triggers sometimes with 'other' people that you value
Maybe opening about it a little bit wil help?
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post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-14-2020, 01:01 AM
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Originally Posted by DukeDuck View Post
So here's a specific problem I struggle with.

Sometimes when I like someone and place value on their perspective and opinion of me......I then get anxiety around that person or any time I know I'm about to be around that person. Sometimes I get anxiety thinking '' what if I bump into that person ''.

Here's an example: When I was in high school, I liked this girl. She was in some of my classes. Initially I was excited whenever I had a class with her, because that would be an opportunity to see and interact with her.....but soon anxiety took over. And then I became anxious anticipating when I'd see her because I reached this state of mind - " Ok she has a good impression of me now....DON'T MESS THIS UP! ''.

And after I reached that state of mind, I actually got excited whenever she didn't turn up to school because I thought '' Phew I can relax now! '' (She used to skip school a lot). But whenever I was in a class with her, all I could think of was '' Don't make a bad impression! Stay calm, act normal ''

I don't think this is how most people go about this predicament. Most people would only get excited about whenever they'd see their crush because that would be an opportunity to talk......not the other way around.

I have this huge fear of potentially creeping people out. Which I why I struggle with things like eye contact. I can make eye contact, but I think all sorts of other things like '' how much is too much eye contact and how much is too little? '' So I keep making and breaking eye contact awkwardly because I don't know how to do it naturally. And I'm afraid of creeping the other person out.

So whenever I was in a class with that girl, I kept stressing over stuff like this. Of how I'm coming across to her. '' Am I acting weird or normal? ''. The anxiety came from the fact that I have already established a good impression on her, and now its my job to not ruin it.

And this is what happens every time I start valuing anyone's opinion of me. It doesn't have to be a crush. But it can be anyone. It's awful. Any time I become friendly with someone, instead of talking to them more, I get anxious about them and worry about not acting weird/creepy around them.

How do you get over this?
1) females don't easily get creeped out 2) when someone is talking to you, you look at them unless they have social anxiety and are anxious/uncomfortable with it, try to go with the flow 3) be yourself (they have a good impression of you great, but be real and the people who will like you for you, will like you) Hope that helps.
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post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-14-2020, 01:58 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by lily View Post
1) females don't easily get creeped out
So men get creeped out more easily than women?


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Originally Posted by lily View Post
2) when someone is talking to you, you look at them unless they have social anxiety and are anxious/uncomfortable with it, try to go with the flow 3) be yourself (they have a good impression of you great, but be real and the people who will like you for you, will like you) Hope that helps.
Yeah going with the flow is important. I sometimes experience an anxiety that prevents that though. Where you put pressure on yourself to stay immersed in the flow, and then start panicking about leaving that immersion. If only there was a way to quiet the mind and just focus.

Eye contact while talking is fairly straightforward, but how do you stop being conscious about it? for most people, it just happens naturally. But when you consciously pay attention to making eye contact, it feels weird. You start wondering, should I just keep staring at them until they finish talking? Wouldn't that seem too intense?
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post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-14-2020, 08:07 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by melancholyscorpio View Post
@DukeDuck : Wow I know exactly how you feel! I could have written your post.

It's really mentally exhausting.

There is this trainer from work that I find attractive. She comes into my office every few months. And when I know she's coming I get so anxious!

She came in yesterday and I couldn't sleep the night before! I can't talk to her and get anxious when she's around my desk. I was a bit social yesterday because when I'm sleep deprived I'm a bit uninhibited lol. I did speak to her about work a bit.

I hate that I want to come across as "perfect". But it's not just with her, I've always been like that. But I'm trying to worry less about how I come across. I want to be free. I hate playing what happened constantly in my mind and end up losing confidence and hating myself.

Sorry I don't know what advice to give because I'm a mess. I guess just try to not care.
I think the first step about the losing confidence thing is to forgive yourself to whatever it is that you're playing in your head. Everybody makes errors.

I think most people worry about how they come across to people they like, but we take it to a whole new level lol.
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post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-14-2020, 09:33 PM
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So men get creeped out more easily than women?




Yeah going with the flow is important. I sometimes experience an anxiety that prevents that though. Where you put pressure on yourself to stay immersed in the flow, and then start panicking about leaving that immersion. If only there was a way to quiet the mind and just focus.

Eye contact while talking is fairly straightforward, but how do you stop being conscious about it? for most people, it just happens naturally. But when you consciously pay attention to making eye contact, it feels weird. You start wondering, should I just keep staring at them until they finish talking? Wouldn't that seem too intense?
I don't know if men get more easily creeped out than women but I thought it was about the same. You said it yourself, to forgive yourself for whatever is playing in your head, everyone makes errors. I guess if everything is going well you still continue to look at the person (whatever is natural- sometimes you're thinking so you look away a little) but if they're socially anxious then you'll be understanding and look a little elsewhere where you feel they'll be able to tolerate you enough or if they're just not fit to talk then you just stop talking. lol
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post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-15-2020, 10:54 AM
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Me too have this problem with a specific person when I feel I'm being noticed. Cause i have awkward facial reaction that happens mostly with that few specific peoples. Because it's just feels that they have figured me out like watching me through and i try to hide or defense using my best coping mechanism that i developed from past embarrassing experience. And the thought of their presence and i have to fece them gives me anxiety so most of the time my coping mechanism will goes not as successful as i wish it would be.

I will be down till the whole embarrassment makes less sense than when it happened, nothing will interests me or cheer me up except the time period with zero embarrassing incidents.
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post #16 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-16-2020, 07:26 PM
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Been there. In college I worked at a dining hall and this guy I had a crush on would occasionally come in. I would start shaking and have racing thoughts as soon as I saw him, to the point of hiding behind a pillar and making coworkers serve him LOL.

Sorry I don't have any advice but you're not alone.
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post #17 of 17 (permalink) Old 03-17-2020, 11:38 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by lily View Post
I don't know if men get more easily creeped out than woman but I thought it was about the same. You said it yourself, to forgive yourself for whatever is playing in your head, everyone makes errors. I guess if everything is going well you still continue to look at the person (whatever is natural- sometimes you're thinking so you look away a little) but if they're socially anxious then you'll be understanding and look a little elsewhere where you feel they'll be able to tolerate you enough or if they're just not fit to talk then you just stop talking. lol
The problem is that eye contact is supposed to be unconscious......it becomes an issue when you become self conscious of it lol
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