How can I stop feeling so worthless? - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 05:07 PM Thread Starter
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How can I stop feeling so worthless?


I just can't figure out what's wrong with me. I've talked with a bunch of counsellors (in person and online), constantly trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong in social interactions, why I have such a hard time connecting with coworkers, classmates, co-Meetup attendees. They haven't seen me in a real-world social setting so they wouldn't know, but they all think that I articulate myself well and don't come across as particularly awkward. Of course, I usually feel comfortable talking to counsellors because I know that they will not become my friend so I have no such expectation. But with meetups and classes, it's different right? People make friends with each other all the time. They chat, get to know each other, pay attention to what the other person is saying, grab coffee, lunch, text each other, maybe even hang out on the weekend if they really like each other. I just can't figure it out. Hardly anyone I meet seems to want to have conversations with me. In a group, people often seem to turn away from me when I try to talk to them. I don't smell, I don't have awful hygiene, I do try to smile a bit (even though it can be hard to fake happiness sometimes). I either feel like I'm repelling everyone, or that I'm simply invisible.

I know that there are often compatibility issues between me and others, like not having enough in common. But if it happens again and again, surely there must be something that I'm doing wrong. Maybe I'm too boring for others, who knows.

Not sure if I'm looking for advice, or words of support. Can anyone relate?
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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 05:50 PM
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I don't know, I feel like I have trouble making friends because I am quiet, don't know what to say at the right moment, and if there is a chance of going out and meeting up for food and a drink I avoid it because of anxiety and introversion. I don't necessarily think people are repelled by me...but if I don't put in the effort they can catch on to that and react in that way too.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 07:18 PM Thread Starter
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I don't know, I feel like I have trouble making friends because I am quiet, don't know what to say at the right moment
Wow, I'm exactly the same! It's sooo hard to find an opening in group conversations. And I don't want to sound stupid, so I am usually very careful in the words that I take out of my mouth in these situations.

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I don't necessarily think people are repelled by me...but if I don't put in the effort they can catch on to that and react in that way too.
Hmm, you might be onto something there. Though, what if you put in the effort and they don't reciprocate, and you're scrambling your head trying to figure out, "What did I do wrong?" Sometimes, no matter how much I think, I always come to the same conclusion that I did nothing wrong and they just weren't being a good friend (for example, me asking an old classmate to hang out several times, and they would either ignore my messages or tell me they're 'busy').

I know I'm not the most interesting person in the world, but that doesn't mean I am a worthless individual that is not worth anyone's time though... right...?
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 08:05 PM
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Originally Posted by brianlee99 View Post

Hmm, you might be onto something there. Though, what if you put in the effort and they don't reciprocate, and you're scrambling your head trying to figure out, "What did I do wrong?" Sometimes, no matter how much I think, I always come to the same conclusion that I did nothing wrong and they just weren't being a good friend (for example, me asking an old classmate to hang out several times, and they would either ignore my messages or tell me they're 'busy').

I know I'm not the most interesting person in the world, but that doesn't mean I am a worthless individual that is not worth anyone's time though... right...? [IMG class=inlineimg]/forum/images/SAS_2015/smilies/tango_face_plain.png[/IMG]
Obviously not. Idk I can only speak from my own perspective. If someone asks me to hang out and I don't respond or if I say I'm busy...the problem wouldn't be with the other person it would be with me and how I deal with situations or what's currently going on in my own life. So unless this person is an extrovert who goes out a lot and makes friends easily... I wouldn't take it as an offense. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. Social interactions are tricky
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-22-2020, 01:28 AM Thread Starter
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Obviously not. Idk I can only speak from my own perspective. If someone asks me to hang out and I don't respond or if I say I'm busy...the problem wouldn't be with the other person it would be with me and how I deal with situations or what's currently going on in my own life. So unless this person is an extrovert who goes out a lot and makes friends easily... I wouldn't take it as an offense. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. Social interactions are tricky
Thanks. I really appreciate your response. I was honestly a little afraid that my thread was going to get completely ignored by everyone. I hate how I rely so much on external validation to make myself feel good. I don’t want to have to put pressure on someone to reply either, though. I probably take things way more personally than I should. 😞

I really am a worthless person, though. I don’t know how to act natural in social situation, my mind often goes blank and I don’t know what to say or how to say it. I don’t know how to get people to be interested in me, ask me to hang out, invite me to things. I do these things to try to make friends, but these feelings are often not reciprocated. I don’t know how to pass myself off as interesting because that’s what people seem to care about the most. Making friends with interesting people who have lots to talk about. I’ll never be good enough in that regard, I am such a nobody.
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-22-2020, 02:42 AM
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This is a complex subject, and I can only type with difficulty atm, otherwise I would say a lot more.

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Originally Posted by brianlee99 View Post
Wow, I'm exactly the same! It's sooo hard to find an opening in group conversations. And I don't want to sound stupid, so I am usually very careful in the words that I take out of my mouth in these situations.
Do you think most other people are worried about sounding stupid?

When you are overly concerned about not sounding stupid, or not offending people, or not making people angry, you restrict your communication. You restrict your behavior, too (risk aversion). This tends to make you boring to other people.

People do this to avoid negative reactions, but it also eliminates positive reactions -- you're not giving people anything to respond to. Interesting people are interesting because they don't inhibit themselves; as a result, they create strong reactions, both positive AND negative (look at the way Trump polarizes people).

You cannot be interesting and universally liked (or rather, it's extremely rare); you can either be ignored for being too 'nice' (inoffensive and inhibited) or make both friends and enemies at the same time (outspoken/uninhibited). If you want friends, you have to take risks expressing yourself. Playing it safe will make you dull.

But this has nothing to do with your worth. Everyone has worth. But that's another big topic.

The only thing better than money is more money.
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 11:58 PM
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Originally Posted by brianlee99 View Post
I just can't figure out what's wrong with me. I've talked with a bunch of counsellors (in person and online), constantly trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong in social interactions, why I have such a hard time connecting with coworkers, classmates, co-Meetup attendees. They haven't seen me in a real-world social setting so they wouldn't know, but they all think that I articulate myself well and don't come across as particularly awkward. Of course, I usually feel comfortable talking to counsellors because I know that they will not become my friend so I have no such expectation. But with meetups and classes, it's different right? People make friends with each other all the time. They chat, get to know each other, pay attention to what the other person is saying, grab coffee, lunch, text each other, maybe even hang out on the weekend if they really like each other. I just can't figure it out. Hardly anyone I meet seems to want to have conversations with me. In a group, people often seem to turn away from me when I try to talk to them. I don't smell, I don't have awful hygiene, I do try to smile a bit (even though it can be hard to fake happiness sometimes). I either feel like I'm repelling everyone, or that I'm simply invisible.

I know that there are often compatibility issues between me and others, like not having enough in common. But if it happens again and again, surely there must be something that I'm doing wrong. Maybe I'm too boring for others, who knows.

Not sure if I'm looking for advice, or words of support. Can anyone relate?
I can relate to this. I feel the exact same way. Though I have a stutter so its hard for me to talk to people. But even when my speech was better than it is now, I still felt like most people got easily bored by me.

What I personally have found to work well is to engage yourself in an activity that you're passionate about which involves a social component. Like playing in a band, or gaming (two controllers) or playing poker. Focus on the activity itself and less on the socializing part, and just let it flow.
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 02-15-2020, 04:06 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brianlee99 View Post
I just can't figure out what's wrong with me. I've talked with a bunch of counsellors (in person and online), constantly trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong in social interactions, why I have such a hard time connecting with coworkers, classmates, co-Meetup attendees. They haven't seen me in a real-world social setting so they wouldn't know, but they all think that I articulate myself well and don't come across as particularly awkward. Of course, I usually feel comfortable talking to counsellors because I know that they will not become my friend so I have no such expectation. But with meetups and classes, it's different right? People make friends with each other all the time. They chat, get to know each other, pay attention to what the other person is saying, grab coffee, lunch, text each other, maybe even hang out on the weekend if they really like each other. I just can't figure it out. Hardly anyone I meet seems to want to have conversations with me. In a group, people often seem to turn away from me when I try to talk to them. I don't smell, I don't have awful hygiene, I do try to smile a bit (even though it can be hard to fake happiness sometimes). I either feel like I'm repelling everyone, or that I'm simply invisible.

I know that there are often compatibility issues between me and others, like not having enough in common. But if it happens again and again, surely there must be something that I'm doing wrong. Maybe I'm too boring for others, who knows.

Not sure if I'm looking for advice, or words of support. Can anyone relate?
Heya It's good to see that you're going out to meet these groups, that's an awesome way to interact with others! I think it's important to know that automatically going to these groups doesn't guarantee friendships. Remember, all kinds of people come to these, and just like in life, you can't be good friends with everyone. So don't judge yourself based on whether you make friends or not - it's not as black and white as that! Sometimes people won't be friends with you because there's a mismatch in interests, attitudes etc, and that's okay, in the same way that none of us can be good friends with everyone else. The best thing you can do is ask a friend or counsellor how they think you come across. It's hard for you to know in your own shoes, but if you trust a counsellor or friend to tell you the truth, they can give you their opinion which can help a lot!x

<3
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