Happiness 2 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 07-08-2008, 06:27 PM Thread Starter
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Happiness 2


I want to simplify what I was saying, and try not to let anything "controversial" slip out.

First of all, what people define as "people walking all over you" can very from person to person.

Let me say what I REALLY think "walking all over you" is.

If someone steals your iPhone, they are not walking all over you. If you think you can walk all over someone else by robbing them of anything they have, you are wrong.

A pushover is not someone who doesn't get bothered when someone robs him.

A strong person does what he wants. Nobody can make you DO anything. All the doing in your life must be done by you.

There are two kinds of wants. You can want to do things, or you can want things to happen. If you are focused on what happens, you aren't paying enough attention to what you can DO to make you happy.

The only way for someone to walk all over you, is if you let them effect your quality of life. Your quality of life is determined by your happiness. I can prove this.

Someone on the thread that got deleted said that unhappiness can be good because it can drive you to make your life better. Then I ask, why do you want to make your life better? To be... happy?

So the goal is always happiness. Everyone wants different things to "happen" so that they can magically become happy, but that's not how it works.

A strong willed person is someone who doesn't let anyone effect what he DOES. He does what he wants. And the only way you can always get what you want, is if you want nothing from the "happen" things. You don't care what happens, because you only care what you do. Then you have all the power. You simply do what makes you happy, and there you go.

If someone robs you, you don't think about how wrong it was for someone to rob you. That is none of your business. If that person wants to do bad things, that's his business. Do you want to do bad things? It doesn't matter really, all that matters is that you do what you want.

Remember, "doing" is a very specific thing and it can't involve things "happening." This may be complicated for some so I'll give an example.

You can't build a tree house without things "happening." Saying, "I want to build a tree house," is not wanting something that you can "do". It's partially "do", partially "happen."

What is "do" then? To want to "do" something, and "do" alone, is to say, "I want to TRY to build a tree house." Well guess what... You can do that. 100% nobody can stop you.

It's just like in games...

If you are playing a game that you think is fun, but you get frustrated every time you don't "win", then why are you doing it? You think it is wrong to be happy if you aren't winning? Well why do you want to win? To be... happy?

A game should never be frustrating. It can be challenging, but even when you are doing bad you should still be happy, or else you are wasting your time playing it. (btw that is a much nicer way of saying what I said earlier that got my other thread deleted, lol)

Another interesting thing is that things can always be better and they can always be worse. In your exact situation, someone else might be extremely happy. And in turn, if all of your wildest dreams got fulfilled, someone else might be unhappy with them. It all depends on how good a life the person is used to... unless of course they are truly living healthy, in which case they could be happy in almost any situation despite having a much "better" life earlier.

So, what I'm telling you to do... is to "do" what you want. You WANT to be happy, no matter how you think about it. To be happy is to think, "I like this." You can't say, "I like being miserable." Because being miserable is to think, "I don't like this."

Okay.. I'm interested to get feedback on this one.
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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 07-08-2008, 06:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Happiness 2


"Live and let live." Focus. Focus on yourself and what you do.

Look at things that are a combination of happening and doing. Some things you might be surprised at.

Do you want to say smart things in conversations?

"Happening" - First you have to be somewhat smart. Second of all you have to have somehow learned the specific knowledge you need to say something smart in this particular conversation.
"Do" - All you have to do is try to say something smart.

So if we forget about the happening and only at the doing, this person did not JUST say something smart, he tried to say something smart. Is that such an impressive thing? No. Why not set your standards a little higher?

A guy I met at comedy college (lol it actually gives you a diploma), in the first day everyone in the class knew he had colitis and bled from his *** every night into a bad... When he **** sometimes blood would come out.

He told us this... Does it look impressive when you look at it on the surface? Not really... But what did he "do"?

He didn't try to look smart. He didn't try to have our respect. He wanted us to laugh at him... Did he let us walk all over him? Do you think people laughing at you is walking all over you?

He made us happy. We liked him a lot.

Okay, and now a more general situation.

A man falls.

What did he "do"? Well we know what happened. He fell. Maybe it's what he didn't do. He didn't try super hard not to fall.

We laugh when someone falls. Do we dislike them? No, we usually like them better because we connect with them on a human level. So should you be unhappy when bad things happen to you? Hardly ever is it NECESSARY to be unhappy.

Make of this what you want.. I hope this time I made a lot more sense.
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 07-08-2008, 07:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Happiness 2


To try and make SURE I am being understandable.. I'll break down the tree house on in a different way, to show how "doing" and things "happening" bring you happiness in different ways.

So you want to build a tree house. That's all the information we have, and it hasn't been looked at in terms of "doing" and things "happening."

So lets look at the potential happiness and where it can come from.

In terms of things happening, you could want to build a tree house because you want to HAVE a tree house. You want to build a tree house because you think a tree house will make you happy. Then if you successfully build it, you will probably be happy, unless you soon after decide that tree houses aren't really your thing.

From a "do" perspective, will you be happy?
What you are doing is trying to build a tree house, like I explained earlier. So does that make you happy by itself? If you compared it to what you could be doing with your time, are you happy with trying to build a tree house?

Well, maybe you are trying to become more handy. Or maybe you have fun building stuff. Maybe you're building the tree house for someone else. All of these things don't rely on anything happening. If any of these things are your reason, if the tree house doesn't come out perfect, you have no reason to be unhappy. If it is for someone else, you can still be proud of yourself if you tried your best, and maybe you can try again and do a better job with what you learned from the first time :P

Just pick your best possible option to "do." If you know how to look at things, this becomes easy, and being happy becomes simple. You just do what you gotta do.

Learning how to look at things properly is the hard part... and I do not claim at all that I never get angry or anything, but I have long since admitted to myself that is wrong because I don't want to be angry, I want to be happy because life is short.
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 07-08-2008, 07:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Happiness 2


A guy on the radio told a short story today that supports my ideal way of thinking.

He said a guy cut him off on the road, and he got mad... He thought, "This guy is a real jerk."

Then the guy slowed down beside him and rolled down his window and said, "I'm really sorry about that, I didn't mean to." And the guy on the radio had no angry response, or any anger left.

Why did it take someone else's actions to cool him down? Why was the guy on the radio suddenly happier just because someone else made the right choice? The guy on the radio didn't do anything right or wrong, he just had something happen to him. Once he found out the guy that cut him off was sorry, he was suddenly happier...

So all along the situation wasn't a big deal. The guy who cut him off made a mistake, people do that. People also can be selfish and cruel. So if the guy turned out not to be sorry and actually a jerk, should the guy on the radio be angry the whole day? Isn't that empowering the guy who cut him off!?

I am not saying he should have assumed the guy did it by accident and that he was sorry. I don't think you need to assume the best to be happy.. because once in a while your assumption will be proven wrong. What I'm saying you should do is not think about it at all. Say, "It doesn't matter if the guy did it by accident or on purpose, these things are going to happen to me. In fact, they are going to happen to everyone and I should set a good example by dealing with it properly... by letting it go and staying on the path I was before (not literal path :P)."

Also on the radio today... A guy died as a result of road rage.

Someone cut off an SUV and slammed on the breaks, the SUV tried to avoid the crash, rolled, and the driver was thrown out the windshield.

-1 for anger. The guy who caused it was yet to be caught, not sure if that is still true... but I doubt that guy is in favor of anger at this time.

Another important topic! How do you redeem yourself after you've accepted that anger is wrong and things you have done out of anger were wrong? How does the guy who caused that accident redeem himself?

Well, the same way a good person would act if they could magically take control of his situation. He would think, "Well, this guy has to go to jail obviously, that's just the way things are... but that doesn't mean he can't show people he is sorry for what he did. And people will probably be very angry at him despite his regret and sympathy, but once again, I have no control over that. I can do the right thing from now on, and people may never forgive me, but some will, and there's no other way to make them any happier than that."

In other people's eyes, you may never be able to redeem yourself, but you know if you are making an effort or not. Nobody can tell you whether you are trying or not, you know?
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 07-08-2008, 08:44 PM
 
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Re: Happiness 2


You're gonna give yourself an anuerysm there anon.

Eat some pez and collect yourself.
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 07-08-2008, 10:27 PM
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Re: Happiness 2


What happened to the other thread?
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 07-09-2008, 04:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Happiness 2


lol... Maybe I am a really bad communicater...

What I'm trying to say is, focus on what you can control and not on what you can't. You can't control other people, and they don't want you to try, even if you want what's best for them. Same goes for you, you probably don't like other people getting in your business, and if they have good intentions, you might do the wrong thing just because you don't want to give in to their expectations. When you do that, you let them control you in a negative way, where you don't do what they want, even though you want it to, but you don't realise you want it because you're too filled with anger.

So yeah, don't worry about what anyone thinks or does because it's not your business, you should focus on what you have control over, and make sure you always make the choice that makes you happy.

If you build the tree house, and it gets destroyed, and you become unhappy, then you did not make the right choice in the first place. You should only build the tree house if the act of building it makes you happy or proud.

Just ask me questions about what I mean in certain parts of my posts because I'm not sure where I am unclear, or what you don't understand. I really must not be good at communicating, lol.
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 07-09-2008, 04:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Happiness 2


Quote:
Originally Posted by isis
What happened to the other thread?
It got closed because of something I said. I think it could have been easily misinterpretted as a negative influence, and you gotta be careful with depressed people some times. It really wasn't meant to be bad though.
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 07-09-2008, 05:35 PM
 
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Re: Happiness 2


I think this kind of thinking is much easier to appreciate if one practices mindfulness. You need to really KNOW it, in yr heart, not just understand it intellectually.
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