Going out more makes me feel worse about myself - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 09-24-2019, 06:24 AM Thread Starter
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Going out more makes me feel worse about myself

I'm studying abroad for a semester and trying to really put myself out there to make friends. I heard that the more you expose yourself and put yourself in these social situations, the less your brain will see these situations as a threat, and then you'll get used to it.

But going to these social functions and trying to make friends has been making me feel worse about myself. I've only made two friends out of everyone I've met, and I feel like they don't even like me that much. They are definitely closer to each other and make me feel a little excluded sometime, but I cling on to them because I would have no one if I didn't have them.

Does anyone feel like the person they're coming off as isn't like their real self at all? I know I'm coming off as pushy and desperate and I hate it. All my conversations sound so forced and fake and just not me. I just want to genuinely be myself but it's so damn hard, and I want friends but I don't want to be so sad and pathetic about it.

If anyone has some advice on how to deal with this, I'd really appreciate it!
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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 09-24-2019, 07:38 AM
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Two friends is a pretty big accomplishment TBH. Big friend groups only happen naturally in very specific situations in high school and early college, or if you get lucky. So you can afford to slow down and be somewhat selective.
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 09-24-2019, 09:03 AM
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I noticed you mentioned you don't feel like yourself in your current social situation, are you adapting your thoughts and opinions to suit others when you're having conversations with them? If so, don't do that. I'm a weird alt/goth person who is severely opinionated, while I could work on being less crotchety, I try not to censor myself. I tried to fit in once, it felt horrible, now I'm just me and people can take it or leave it. If someone doesn't like you for you (provided you're not acting like a jerk) then to hell with them.
That being said, if you aren't trying to change yourself to suit other people's needs, I think what you're experiencing could just be the discomfort of trying to be social when you're not accustom to it. Going abroad is new and awkward, meeting new people is inherently awkward for just about everybody. This discomfort will pass in time, don't beat yourself up about it. I think everybody feels like an outsider when it comes to already established friendships, especially when those people have a lengthy history full of inside jokes. I remember once laughing at somebody else's inside joke because I thought they were just being silly and they immediately reprimanded me for not knowing what it was about. It can be difficult to fit into an already established relationship, so don't try, focus on them as individuals, see if you really connect with them, maybe you'll only be compatible with one over the other. Try to enjoy the process, it can be fun learning about other people. If it's not then you're probably not actually interested in them and that's fine. Sometimes a casual business like acquaintance is good enough to fill the gaps while you wait for something more substantial to come along.
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 09-24-2019, 03:14 PM
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That fact that you accomplished 2 friends it means that you managed to do something to go further. But push yourself too hard if you don't like it, there's no need to have as much as possible friends just because someone thinks or says that it has to be like that... Think about yourself, how you want it, maybe having few friends is already fine...

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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 09-25-2019, 10:58 AM
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I know my situation has not much to do with yours, but me too going out more doesnt make me feel better...

I have a scar on my face, its almost gone but theres one side that look like a bump sometimes, and like i know it looks weird sometimes depending on the lighting around.

I stay a lot of time indoors. Yes i have a job, but even my 'scar problem' annoys my coworkers, and like i dont go out much unless to do stuffs that really need to be done ( take a walk with the dog, go to the supermarket, etc ).

It just kinda suck because most of the time i see a pretty girl, i'm aware of my scar thing and i know that i look kinda like a loser to them because of it. I never really had a chance to meet a girl from all the time i go to work and such. No girls ever approached me or anything like that.

But im happy cuz i'm going to have a final surgery to fix the problem in 2 weeks.

i think maybe you can meet someone that will change your life one day. the more you go out
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 09-26-2019, 09:51 AM
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Going out more makes me feel worse about myself

The truth is that exposure can cause more harm then good if you don't know what your doing. The point of exposure is to learn how to relax your mind and body in anxiety-provoking situations. This should be your main focus when going out.

As far as being yourself the more comfortable you feel and the more confidence you gain the less stifled you will be. Just remember that people don't really care about what you say they care about how you make them feel so don't be too hard on yourself and just try to genuinely enjoy your conversation with other people. That awesome version of yourself is in there you just have to find a way to set it free.

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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 09-26-2019, 11:47 AM
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I find meetup is often uncomfortable when it's just new people. sometimes the best it can be is managing to resolve the tension with awkward conversation. it takes time with some people and some people are never going to be friends. it's the same kind of thing as dating, it's not always going to go well, but it can be fun or interesting or at least you're trying even if it goes badly often.

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