Getting things done with Communication. - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 01-12-2009, 11:09 AM Thread Starter
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Getting things done with Communication.


This is an idea that has come to mind, that people are able to get others to do things just through words. I don't really get how this happens. It comes up in other places many areas of life, but it was the most clear when I've tutored kids.

I've had to help kids that are mostly well behaved, but sometimes I have to work with troublemakers. Some people can get these kids to respond just by the force of their voice. It's actually an action, they are using their voice to get the child to act properly. When I speak this never happens, I can't say things forcefully enough. I don't use my words as a tool.

But this idea is more broad than this. Lets say you are bargaining for something, in this situation what you say is a tool to get them to lower their price. You'll say things in just the right way to convince them to do something.

When asking for help, you have to explain what kind of help you need... and why they should give it to you. If you are unable to explain this, you may get help... or maybe the wrong kind of help.

This concept seems to be the cornerstone of 'networking'... and I just can't seem to get anything done.

The strangest thing, it never even occurs to me... until someone explains it... that I can actually get people to help me or do anything. It seems such a foreign concept to ask of people, and they help you. Or that you can convince someone of something.

Anyone else understand what I'm trying to say here... using their communication as tools? If you understand, is there anyway to improve?
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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 01-13-2009, 04:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Tunesimah View Post
This is an idea that has come to mind, that people are able to get others to do things just through words. I don't really get how this happens. It comes up in other places many areas of life, but it was the most clear when I've tutored kids.

I've had to help kids that are mostly well behaved, but sometimes I have to work with troublemakers. Some people can get these kids to respond just by the force of their voice. It's actually an action, they are using their voice to get the child to act properly. When I speak this never happens, I can't say things forcefully enough. I don't use my words as a tool.

But this idea is more broad than this. Lets say you are bargaining for something, in this situation what you say is a tool to get them to lower their price. You'll say things in just the right way to convince them to do something.

When asking for help, you have to explain what kind of help you need... and why they should give it to you. If you are unable to explain this, you may get help... or maybe the wrong kind of help.

This concept seems to be the cornerstone of 'networking'... and I just can't seem to get anything done.

The strangest thing, it never even occurs to me... until someone explains it... that I can actually get people to help me or do anything. It seems such a foreign concept to ask of people, and they help you. Or that you can convince someone of something.

Anyone else understand what I'm trying to say here... using their communication as tools? If you understand, is there anyway to improve?
I understand. Most people are selfish, so when you communicate, you should let the person you are speaking to know how they benefit to get them engaged. Ask questions about how that person feels or is, and you are on the right path. I am always surprised by how effective this tool is; however, after a while I become disgusted with the selfishness and would prefer to do things by myself than to cater to someone's ego.

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them. ~ Henry David Thoreau
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 01-13-2009, 05:00 AM
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I don't get communication either. I am intrigued by the levels of communication; convincing someone, degrading someone, flirting with someone, saying what's on your mind etc.

Funny thing is that I studied linguistics & discourse/conversation analysis and maybe there we analyzed speech & communication too much or something! I don't get it and I don't know how to explain what I don't get and why? arghhhh
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 01-13-2009, 10:17 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by InfiniteAnon View Post
I understand. Most people are selfish, so when you communicate, you should let the person you are speaking to know how they benefit to get them engaged. Ask questions about how that person feels or is, and you are on the right path. I am always surprised by how effective this tool is; however, after a while I become disgusted with the selfishness and would prefer to do things by myself than to cater to someone's ego.
How do you show someone benefits when you don't really know them?

I ask questions; I love asking questions. But my questions are always a little bit out there... I think the questions I ask always come across as a self-centered. I don't use the right inflections in my voice to make it seem like I care about the other person... whether I do or not.

Victoriangirl: The most trying times are when I am seeking help and guidance. I talk with someone, blather a bit about what I'm looking for and need help with. Either they don't quite understand what I need help with because I didn't explain it correctly. Or they can't really provide the answers I'm looking for. Usually when I get done I'm left with thinking, "what the hell just happened?"

In your studies, did you get into sociology/psychology of speech? In a conversation can you pinpoint what types of communication a person is using? That could be fun to get really cerebral... when others are just engaging in chit-chat. Or maybe that's just fun to me...
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 01-14-2009, 06:57 PM
Tired of B.S.
 
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How do you show someone benefits when you don't really know them?
By asking questions that are focused on the individual; praising and acknowledging their opinions, and asking follow-up questions that are on-topic.

This validates the person's ego, makes them feel special, thereby endearing them to you for the moment.

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them. ~ Henry David Thoreau
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