Friends that don't contact you unless you contact them first... - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 20 (permalink) Old 06-08-2019, 12:29 PM Thread Starter
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Friends that don't contact you unless you contact them first...


Are they worth keeping around?

We are in a reverie/ And everything you thought you knew isn't what it seems/ Only truth will set you free/ And I would never lie to you
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post #2 of 20 (permalink) Old 06-08-2019, 12:52 PM
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It depends how despearete you are for friendship. But usually these people don't value you. And you have to ask yourself, do you want someone who doesn't value you to be your friend?


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post #3 of 20 (permalink) Old 06-08-2019, 01:03 PM Thread Starter
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It depends how despearete you are for friendship. But usually these people don't value you. And you have to ask yourself, do you want someone who doesn't value you to be your friend?
I agree. Im not desperate for friends

We are in a reverie/ And everything you thought you knew isn't what it seems/ Only truth will set you free/ And I would never lie to you
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post #4 of 20 (permalink) Old 06-08-2019, 01:16 PM Thread Starter
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( This snippet from an article sums up my attempts)
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psy...-friends%3famp
---------'----------------------------------------
"So why can't I keep friends?

I have a group of three friends whom I have known since I was about 21. They don't call me or email me really, but if I email and rally everyone for a get-together we have fun. But then, nothing. And I hear from them that they have gotten together in the meantime. I don't get it—what is wrong with me?

Around the neighborhood I chat, make meals for the new moms, etc. but then nothing. And the other moms get together without me. I have female cousins who are really great, we have fun when we are together—but they never call or ask me to get together. It always has to be me. "
------------------------
Near the end the therapist lists reasons as to why people dont stick. Situational, behavioral ( shy/ building up walls ect.)

But i just wonder why its always on the person intiating.. Why cant the issue be the other person? Especially when said person is trying?

Not saying its always the other person plenty of times you can create your own problems. However friendship is a 2 way street.. If youre doing everything your supposed to.. It falls on the other person.

Howver i do agree with the end parts when they said it may help getting a third part to observe you as others can pin point things in yourself you cant see. Which would hinder the friendship progress.

We are in a reverie/ And everything you thought you knew isn't what it seems/ Only truth will set you free/ And I would never lie to you
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post #5 of 20 (permalink) Old 06-08-2019, 01:24 PM
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Is it enjoyable when you meet up / are in contact? There isn't a principle on this imo.

In pointless equation form lol

Value of friendship = friendship positives - annoyance at contacting - value from other friendships you could put more effort in

Essentially then, how much benefit you have from the friendship should be weight up against the irritation you feel from having to do the contacting (or how bad it makes you feel they don't contact you). If you have other friends who do contact you, or that are better and you can build those, then do that. If you don't then it comes down to weighing those two things.

Before ending the friendships then, you should try communicating with those people. Ask them if they would be happy to contact you sometimes, they might simply not bother because you become known as "the organiser".

Otherwise, if it really really annoys you then the friendship isn't worth it.

Enough about me, lets talk about you, what do you think about me?
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post #6 of 20 (permalink) Old 06-08-2019, 03:00 PM
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Unfortunately, my family is like this. The only person who made an effort to keep in touch with me was my dad, who died five months ago.

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When she delights in learning more.
Her world is learning; it defines
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post #7 of 20 (permalink) Old 06-08-2019, 03:15 PM
 
 
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I'm totally this person lol. I just don't really know how to keep up communication with people and if they are not physically around me then it slips my mind.

I think you should just let them know what you're feeling and if it persists then drop them.
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post #8 of 20 (permalink) Old 06-08-2019, 03:46 PM Thread Starter
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I'm totally this person lol. I just don't really know how to keep up communication with people and if they are not physically around me then it slips my mind.

I think you should just let them know what you're feeling and if it persists then drop them.
i have and told them we should hang but it never happens..so i dont talk to them.

We are in a reverie/ And everything you thought you knew isn't what it seems/ Only truth will set you free/ And I would never lie to you
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post #9 of 20 (permalink) Old 06-08-2019, 03:51 PM Thread Starter
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Unfortunately, my family is like this. The only person who made an effort to keep in touch with me was my dad, who died five months ago.
Hugs . my condolences

We are in a reverie/ And everything you thought you knew isn't what it seems/ Only truth will set you free/ And I would never lie to you
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post #10 of 20 (permalink) Old 06-08-2019, 03:57 PM
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You shouldn't assume or anything but if you feel like you're the one that is doing everything then they probably really don't care as much as you do..... I kind am going through this so it's tough


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post #11 of 20 (permalink) Old 06-08-2019, 04:10 PM
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I have this issue as well, I feel.


I have met people on this site, and I almost always have to be the one that makes events and things to do...


I feel the same with people outside of sas.


As someone has alluded too, if you really want their friendship, then continue on, if their friendship isn't that important to you, then move on.


Also I don't think it would be bad to message these people once in a while... that's my take
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post #12 of 20 (permalink) Old 06-08-2019, 04:12 PM
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For some people it could be an anxiety/depression thing. All people who did this (or, ahem, didn't do), when I continued to contact them, turned out to be self-absorbed and poor friends. Nowadays, unless I know someone might be prevented from contacting me back due to their mental health issues (and actually could do with a friend), I don't bother after a try or two.

And what @SplendidBob said. They might not be contacting you because [important reasons], but the important question is how do you feel about these friendships overall? Are you left feeling better or worse?

Leonard Cohen (Bird on a Wire): I have tried in my own way to be free
Mrs Hudson (BBC Sherlock): Sherlock! The mess you've made!
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post #13 of 20 (permalink) Old 06-08-2019, 04:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Reverie101 View Post
Hugs . my condolences
Thank you

It is the light she longs to find,
When she delights in learning more.
Her world is learning; it defines
The destiny she’s reaching for

- Marie Curie
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post #14 of 20 (permalink) Old 06-09-2019, 10:02 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you
No problems.

We are in a reverie/ And everything you thought you knew isn't what it seems/ Only truth will set you free/ And I would never lie to you
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post #15 of 20 (permalink) Old 06-10-2019, 08:09 PM
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Words "friends" and "worth" doesn't have anything in common at all to me.

Even shy people can be sassy sometimes...
I'll put drunk raccoon in my signature as well, because I CAN...
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post #16 of 20 (permalink) Old 06-13-2019, 01:32 AM
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In my estimation no. No these types of "friends" are not worth keeping around but then again i'm just a nihilistic cynic so my worldview is quite different to a majority of folks.

This situation has described my life to a tee. Ever since I was a kid, if I wanted interactions with childhood friends, I would have to initiate it. If I want to talk with co-workers now, I have to initiate the interaction. Socialization always just seemed to happen naturally for everyone else but for me? I've had to work for it my entire life.

I'm currently on LOA from work, I have been gone for 31 days so far. I left to manage my depression and other issues. A few of my co-workers whom have my phone number and were initially so adamant about being my friend; have not called me once or texted me once to ask how I am doing. I guess I pushed them away. I've told them that we are not friends but co-workers and gave them my number for work related inquires but still, no interactions, even from the "kind" ones.

I'm not worth conversing with. I have made myself unapproachable in many ways and I'm not really sad about it. I mean, I don't deliberately try to be crass or mean in any way but once I start talking to most people, I never get that sense of fulfillment; I don't know how to describe entirely what I am looking for in other people in order to make friends with them but I do know that I haven't found it yet. To be honest, as arrogant as this makes me seem, most people also don't really have anything interesting to say so I have made peace with my limitations and often reside with my own thoughts rather than talk to people.

I don't have any friends in real life or online but if I did and I was still in the predicament where I always had to start the interactions, I personally would just stop them altogether and once again reside with myself.

As it pertains to anyone that actually wants friends, I guess that is their lot in life and they just have to deal with the fact that they always have to start it first.

Let Him In
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post #17 of 20 (permalink) Old 06-14-2019, 08:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Reverie101 View Post
Are they worth keeping around?

Depends on the time frame. Are you talking about friends you speak to once in a while or friends you contact on a daily basis? If its someone who you contact on a daily basis but never contacts you first, they're not worth it. But if its friends you speak to once in a while......Sometimes people just might be busy. They might busy in their office or college friend circle and not have enough time for other stuff.
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post #18 of 20 (permalink) Old 06-14-2019, 10:54 AM
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I've been on both sides of this, sometimes life gets busy and I get too preoccupied with my own projects and just forget but I think getting better. As with most adults friendships tend to not be as close, people can't hang out or do things as much so maybe it's just that. When the one who always has to initiate, I do it less obviously if they don't reciprocate but if I see something that I think they'll be interested in, I still show them or invite them
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post #19 of 20 (permalink) Old 06-23-2019, 12:33 AM
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Unless they tend to fland out, are nasty, etc, I'd say yes. They may not be the most tight-knit, but there's nothing wrong with having casual friends you can hang out with and still looking for deeper, more enriching friendships.
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post #20 of 20 (permalink) Old 06-23-2019, 01:09 AM
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