Friend Staying For Week - Maybe 2 - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-02-2019, 03:04 PM Thread Starter
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Friend Staying For Week - Maybe 2


My friend from college has an interview in my city Tuesday so wants to stay Tuesday thru Sunday.

He's a good friend and we were roommates in college, but this is making me extremely anxious. Maybe it's due to my SAD, but growing up I rarely had a friend over. There was always something about it that made me anxious, and needless to say, that's carried over to adult-hood.

Reasons I'm anxious:
1.) A week feels like a long time. I will be at work during the day. He will be at my place during the day when I'm not home. He's the kind of person who's respectful of a person's belongings, but it's still just (I guess I view my home as a part of me, like something safe and personal and private too.)

2.) I will have to provide food for him. Yes, we/he would probably go out a few times, but still, that means I have to buy all the food at home and prepare it at home. I'm sure he'd help prepare it, but still, it's a responsibility.

3.) The Sunday after he says he'll leave, I will be on vacation. I have family that will be visiting. I know he will want to stay that next week. ('The more the merrier, the longer the better' is pretty much his attitude towards social situations).
This is the biggest reason I'm anxious about it!!! He's the kind of person who tries to drag these kinds of things as long as possible. I went to his place once, was supposed to be for a couple days, ended up being a week. A friend visited him once, was supposed to be for a week, ended up being 3

4.) This one's kind of stupid but I have a condo and he's dirt-poor. It makes me feel guilty and previleaged.
---I'm also scared it will make him want to be a roommate. (We roomed in college and it was fun, but I guess I was ok with it in college because I knew it wasn't going to be that long and just a couple semesters)

5.) He informed me yesterday. I feel like he should've given me more notice.

IDK, TBH I've given excuses in the past when people want to visit. This whole situation is just making me feel like doom is coming.
But I'm looking forward to my cousin visiting my place, and loved having a friend over earlier this year, and was asking another friend to visit a couple weeks ago.

So what's everyone's thoughts on this? Any advice? Tips?
Do you guys get anxious having guests over, even good friends?
How often do you have friends/guests over?

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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-02-2019, 04:13 PM
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I can see why that would make you nervous - I'd hate it too. If you've already said he can stay I guess there's not much you can do now - but if he asks about sharing with you just be firm and say you like living on your own and you don't think it would be a good idea.

I had someone ask if he could stay with me a few years ago but fortunately the place I was staying at the time was small - so I could use that as an excuse. I would have thought of another one anyway though as it would have been terrible.
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-02-2019, 05:30 PM
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Point 3 already makes me dislike him.

Can't help you, I'd hate it too...
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-02-2019, 09:10 PM
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I get it. Id be anxious about having someone over cause Id feel like I would have to attend to them and keep them entertained and so on. But if its someone you trust then you should trust that even if he's at your home alone everything will be fine. He'll likely just keep to himself. As for the food...imo he should probably go to the store with you and buy food as well. He should help you prepare food too or you can order take out or go out to eat. Theres no reason that you have to be the one cooking for him during his stay here, that wouldnt be fair. As for the amount of time he would stay for...that part is maybe more difficult cause if you dont want him staying longer than a week thats a conversation youre going to have to have with him. You have to make ot clear that he can only stay for that one week for such and such reason...if that helps...
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-04-2019, 06:53 AM Thread Starter
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So anxious.

Apparently my cousins get in Saturday, and they will want to do stuff Saturday and Sunday, conflicting the time my friend wants to spend Saturday and Sunday.

Help!

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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-04-2019, 08:34 AM
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I'd just be honest and say you have family coming next weekend and that you'll be busy Saturday and Sunday. And that you have plans and he can't stay past Sunday. I mean, if someone said straight up that they have plans, I usually take the hint and realize I'd have to find something else to do instead of hang out.

I can see how it would be stressful for you though. I've never had any friends over to my house at all, ever, mostly because I live at home and my parents are alcoholics. But my cousin and uncle spent the night a couple of years ago, and even that really stressed me out, mostly because I don't really know them.

As for food, I'd think he'll probably get food from take out or can bring his own things. If I was having a friend visit, I'd probably provide some things for breakfast, but otherwise mostly expect them to be on their own.

For number 4, I wouldn't worry about it. Most of my friends are my age and have had houses they own for a while that are probably far nicer than anything I'll ever have and it doesn't bother me. I just see it as some people are more gifted in that area than others. As long as they didn't brag or act above me, I didn't care that I don't have what they have. If anything it just makes me want to work toward it.

Underneath the cold November sky, I wait for you... As the pages of my life roll by, I wait for you... I'm so desperate just to see your face, meet me in this broken place...

Be a little brave for a little bit of time.
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-04-2019, 09:04 AM
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Set your boundaries before he arrives.

1. "I don't mind you staying, but you will have to leave by x date"
2. "Can you deal with your own food while you are here, I am not feeling my best and don't have the energy to manage it atm".

Also, he shouldn't "inform you" he is staying, he should ask you, and when it's convenient for you. Out of the principle of him not doing this I would say he won't be able to arrive x date, but a few days later as you have **** to do.

You are doing him the favour man, it should be on your terms. If you never set the boundaries, people will relentlessly break them.

Enough about me, lets talk about you, what do you think about me?
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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-04-2019, 10:27 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SplendidBob View Post
Set your boundaries before he arrives.

1. "I don't mind you staying, but you will have to leave by x date"
2. "Can you deal with your own food while you are here, I am not feeling my best and don't have the energy to manage it atm".

Also, he shouldn't "inform you" he is staying, he should ask you, and when it's convenient for you. Out of the principle of him not doing this I would say he won't be able to arrive x date, but a few days later as you have **** to do.

You are doing him the favour man, it should be on your terms. If you never set the boundaries, people will relentlessly break them.
Thanks for the tips Bob. I was scared what you might say when I got a notification you responded.

That's a good point on 'since he didn't really ask, I have leverage to dictate the terms'. The biggest problem with arrival is his interview in my city is Tuesday night; so I can't say 'come Thursday' because he won't be in town then.

The biggest problem with saying 'you have to leave by X date' is that if he finds out it's because my cousins are in town, that'll be all the more reason he wants to stay!

Quote:
Originally Posted by shyguy07 View Post
I'd just be honest and say you have family coming next weekend and that you'll be busy Saturday and Sunday. And that you have plans and he can't stay past Sunday. I mean, if someone said straight up that they have plans, I usually take the hint and realize I'd have to find something else to do instead of hang out.


I can see how it would be stressful for you though. I've never had any friends over to my house at all, ever, mostly because I live at home and my parents are alcoholics. But my cousin and uncle spent the night a couple of years ago, and even that really stressed me out, mostly because I don't really know them.

As for food, I'd think he'll probably get food from take out or can bring his own things. If I was having a friend visit, I'd probably provide some things for breakfast, but otherwise mostly expect them to be on their own.

For number 4, I wouldn't worry about it. Most of my friends are my age and have had houses they own for a while that are probably far nicer than anything I'll ever have and it doesn't bother me. I just see it as some people are more gifted in that area than others. As long as they didn't brag or act above me, I didn't care that I don't have what they have. If anything it just makes me want to work toward it.
True #4 really is making a mountain out of a molehill. But it could cause incentives for him to want to room with me.

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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-04-2019, 10:34 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wmu'14 View Post
Thanks for the tips Bob. I was scared what you might say when I got a notification you responded.

That's a good point on 'since he didn't really ask, I have leverage to dictate the terms'. The biggest problem with arrival is his interview in my city is Tuesday night; so I can't say 'come Thursday' because he won't be in town then.

The biggest problem with saying 'you have to leave by X date' is that if he finds out it's because my cousins are in town, that'll be all the more reason he wants to stay!


True #4 really is making a mountain out of a molehill. But it could cause incentives for him to want to room with me.
Heh, well I can't blame you tbh, I am basically just angry all the time these days.

I mean, its more than leverage, it's your house, you are doing him a favour. Unfortunately you agree already, so its more difficult to take it back, but yeh, you definitely need to set boundaries.

Just send him a message saying "My cousins are in town, but unfortunately gonna have to ask you to leave by x date, as I have some other stuff on, sorry mate", or whatever. If he says "what stuff" just say "personal business" or "rather not discuss", as you absolutely aren't obliged to, in any way. Don't be rude, but this has to be on your terms, just do what you want.

When would you like him to have left by?

Enough about me, lets talk about you, what do you think about me?
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 08-14-2019, 07:42 PM Thread Starter
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Well it went great. He ended up leaving Monday morning. I was ok with that. He was right: it did give us a bit more time. (Keep in mind he is actually my friend.) I didn't bring up my cousins, which was the right decision. He also didn't want to be roommate; He wants to move back to Florida, and being in the financial mess he's in right now, unable to pay rent.

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