Hello, I'm new here. I feel like i need to shoot you my history first, so please hang with me....oh and if I posted this and it needs moving, my apologies - this is a huge forum. Thank you
I was bullied at my very first job age 16. I had several short, very short term jobs (until I married in my late 20s and bought a farm. Here is was able to work for myself while I raised a family.)
After the initial bullying at work, however, my boyfriend committed suicide. A couple of years later, I was injured badly in a car accident, and unable to walk for almost two years. I was chatting with my very healthy Mum on the phone one night before bed over a cup of tea. One hour later the hospital called to tell me she had died suddenly due to a clot entering her lung. My Dad was so upset, he lived a numb existence for the next 18 months, then suffered a massive stroke. I cared for him as long as I could, but had to allow my brother to place him in permanent care. I had three children, and a farm to run, and God didn't give me enough strength to do this on my own because it's just not reasonable anyway, of course. I accepted that fact, but it took a while.
Visiting one afternoon, Dad mumbled to me that he'd had enough, and he was 'checking out'. He'd always joked to my kids that if he couldn't toilet himself and had to sit and dribble playing bingo with old people, "please just bump me off". He died holding my hand a couple of days later. It was less than three years since Mum left, but of course, no shock factor, which helped. And yes I know, it doesn't feel good when I write that either o.O
After this...short version, I was sexually assaulted, divorced, then had a nervous breakdown. I was finally just totally worn out. I have PTSD, and Panic Disorder as a result of the above.
Fast forward to the present. I am almost 52 now, healthy, and remarried to a wonderful man. Our children are grown, and although my husband tells me it's OK if I don't want to work, we aren't financially 'free', and I really do want to work anyway - I want to achieve and be proud of me for something new. I've cheated death for Pete's sake, I want to overcome this so I need to figure out how to make it feel just like the piece of cake that it truly is. I'm not blind to the fact my brain is playing me, I just don't know how to win the next round no matter how well prepared I think I am.
I have 65,000 in student debt, I'm three classes short of my Bach degree because my college went belly up, and other colleges won't transfer all my credits because of where I had previously studied, not because I didn't have a passing grade. I've moved this anger to the side for now, my health is more important, I'm good, it is what it is.
I am so excited to think about going to work, but I have had four jobs in the past three years and haven't made it past three months at any of them! I know exactly what's going on in my own head, my degree is in psychology for heavens sake. I did that on purpose - if I understand it, I can overcome it. Not completely correct, I am now a huge psychology nerd, its so fascinating... but being aware of what's going on and STILL not conquering it is the most infuriating problem. I just can't hold a job, I've been scared to even bother because I didn't want to keep burning bridges. But, I'm no quitter, I'm too bullheaded for that - thanks Dad .
I get to work, I do OK for a couple of days, but the exact minute I hear words like "no that's not right" or even "try it this way instead" I completely freeze, in the worst mental way possible. I'm instantly transported right back to my first job, when the woman who gave me one hell of a time, who was the exact age I am now..is right in my face all over again. I have panic disorder too, but that's random - this is different, it's more of an anxiety issue in that I can identify exactly what triggers it and don't feel the doom and gloom, just all the other blah like sweating, brain freeze, everybody' mouth moves but I don't hear words, except criticism, I feel physically ill, I even miss periods for the next one or two cycles, it's just so disruptive. I'm not overly assertive, but I'm not generally afraid to speak my mind, in a polite way. This should be a snap - it's not.
I live in a small'ish town so if i can't beat this we're going to have to move because nobody will want to give me a job. And is it just me? I don't like to complete the part of the job application that asks about mental disabilities, because I hate the word disability, and what am I supposed to say anyway "please don't offer me feedback because I will freak out" ? Any suggestions about how to explain this at an interview, which I can otherwise ace with flying colors, will be greatly appreciated, thanks in advance. I have been offered the perfect job in a locally run bank, but at the moment, I'm reluctant to bother because of this perpetual self-fulfilling prophecy problem. Did I just give 'it' more power by saying that? Probably...
I've dealt with the grief, the physical pain, the guilt etc over the years. Now I'm just down to being really annoyed, and I don't want to be annoyed with me..I'm a good egg
This is such a disruptive darn nuisance I often think if it were a person, I'd punch it for being a butthead. Our brains are so smart and so dopey all at the same time. Our brains are self-aware, yet they insist on creating problems for the rest of our 'person' anyway. Go figure. If anyone has had the 'terrified to go to work/social phobia problem, please chime in. I'm so over this.
Thanks so much, I appreciate your time, it was a long read