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post #1 of 32 (permalink) Old 01-14-2021, 07:58 PM Thread Starter
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Eye Contact


Do people make eye contact when they talk to you or do they tend to look around/away.

Do you make eye contact with them?

I look at people but I'm not pleasant to look at so they look away and it makes me feel anxious and more self conscious, and I end up not wanting to talk to people to protect myself and save them from having to look at me.
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post #2 of 32 (permalink) Old 01-15-2021, 12:11 AM
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Who says you're not pleasant to look at? You seem very pleasant to talk to... Personally I think there is too much emphasis on eye contact. If you feel relaxed enough to hold eye contact, great, and if you don't it's really no big deal. The main thing is trying to stay relaxed and be true to yourself. Hope this helps.

These are just my thoughts/opinions, I am not a Doctor/Health Professional etc. so please draw your own conclusions.
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post #3 of 32 (permalink) Old 01-15-2021, 12:24 PM
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I don't know why people make such a big deal about eye contact. It's honestly about the most cringey thing ever. The only time I can really imagine when I would go out of my way to attempt to compel someone to make eye contact with me would be like if I was asking them an important question and I wanted them to look me in the eye so I could tell if they were lying.

Just looking people in the eye for no reason is cringey AF and should not be a cultural norm for anything other than situations where you need to know you can trust someone. It shows something is wrong with our culture that this is a thing we value, IMO.

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post #4 of 32 (permalink) Old 01-15-2021, 12:47 PM
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Sometimes, depends on how I feel at that particular time, the vibe I'm feeling or the repertoire that's been established, it's been easy sometimes & really difficult others.

When people look at your eyes they're usually not concerned with physical appearance, they want to establish who you are not what you are.
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post #5 of 32 (permalink) Old 01-15-2021, 01:03 PM
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I think most people prefer a small amount of eye contact. I think there was some study that said how much people make eye contact. (look, avert, look, avert, etc).

I don't feel comfortable if someone keeps looking or doesn't look at all.

I think all eyes are pleasant to look at when talking to someone (as long as it done in that way). I want to know how someone is feeling when they're talking.

This is going to sound really sh*** but at school I had a classmate who had an extreme case of this
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exotropia
and I felt more anxious talking to him because it wasn't possible to make the milliseconds of eye contact thing.

the truth may vary
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post #6 of 32 (permalink) Old 01-15-2021, 01:21 PM
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Thing is if we aren't confident in ourselves we think eye contact is all about us. We need to remember why people make eye contact... For me eye contact is all about seeing if you are being understood, or if someone is telling you something, how honest are they... What is way more important than eye contact is being relaxed around others. If you feel more relaxed not making eye contact, don't, and if the other person doesn't like it, tough, it's their problem. We prove our honesty by more means than just making eye contact... Hope this helps

These are just my thoughts/opinions, I am not a Doctor/Health Professional etc. so please draw your own conclusions.
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post #7 of 32 (permalink) Old 01-15-2021, 02:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WillYouStopDave View Post
I don't know why people make such a big deal about eye contact. It's honestly about the most cringey thing ever. The only time I can really imagine when I would go out of my way to attempt to compel someone to make eye contact with me would be like if I was asking them an important question and I wanted them to look me in the eye so I could tell if they were lying.

Just looking people in the eye for no reason is cringey AF and should not be a cultural norm for anything other than situations where you need to know you can trust someone. It shows something is wrong with our culture that this is a thing we value, IMO.
I can get behind this. I'm blessed in that eye contact has never been a thing I've been overly concerned with. And I say that because I know if I ever start thinking too much about eye contact, it will literally ruin me. Like when someone says, "You're now aware of your own blinking," and then all you can do is think about the intervals between your blinking.

Generally when I'm talking to someone, especially people I don't know very well, I'm never actually looking directly into their eyes unless I'm trying to make a point. I'm just sort of looking at their general face area, or at them as a whole if I'm far enough away. Isn't that what normal people do? Please tell me that what normal people do xD
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post #8 of 32 (permalink) Old 01-15-2021, 03:00 PM
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People always maintain good eye contact with me when they talk to me. Me, not so much. I tend to look around a lot but always do come back to meet their eye throughout the conversation. I always thought it was weird that humans look at each other in the eyes when they talk rather than the mouth or something. Your eyes don't do anything during the conversation so its like why look at someone's eyes? Maybe its to ensure the person you're talking to is paying attention.

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post #9 of 32 (permalink) Old 01-15-2021, 03:38 PM
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People call it eye contact, but it's very rarely directly into someone's eyes (for one it can be intimidating). Generally you are looking for facial expressions (are you being understood, what is this person's mood like etc. etc.). As such I tend to look below the eye level, around the nose area. Hope this helps.

These are just my thoughts/opinions, I am not a Doctor/Health Professional etc. so please draw your own conclusions.
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post #10 of 32 (permalink) Old 01-15-2021, 04:44 PM
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I try to maintain eye contact when I talk to people. If I feel like I'm looking at somebody for too long, I'll look away for a moment, then continue eye contact. I'm sure people think I'm crazy.

It's weird looking into people's eyes. It honestly makes me uncomfortable, but if I don't keep up the eye contact, people will surely notice how anxious I am.

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post #11 of 32 (permalink) Old 01-15-2021, 11:57 PM Thread Starter
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I make eye contact because I don't want to be rude, but then I end up feeling anxious that I'm making them uncomfortable.
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post #12 of 32 (permalink) Old 01-16-2021, 12:43 AM
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Originally Posted by Nanosupport8 View Post
I try to maintain eye contact when I talk to people. If I feel like I'm looking at somebody for too long, I'll look away for a moment, then continue eye contact. I'm sure people think I'm crazy.

It's weird looking into people's eyes. It honestly makes me uncomfortable, but if I don't keep up the eye contact, people will surely notice how anxious I am.

I think we shouldn't be too worried about people seeing us being anxious. I think we should think more about how can we be more relaxed in these situations. For all we know they might be anxious too...

These are just my thoughts/opinions, I am not a Doctor/Health Professional etc. so please draw your own conclusions.
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post #13 of 32 (permalink) Old 01-16-2021, 12:48 AM
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They taught us in juvenile(juvee) prison not to make eye contact with anyone or we could start a gang war and not be able to stop them and all that bad stuff from happening again.

So, avoiding eye contact can actually be a wise thing.
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post #14 of 32 (permalink) Old 01-16-2021, 08:00 AM
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Originally Posted by melancholyscorpio View Post
I make eye contact because I don't want to be rude, but then I end up feeling anxious that I'm making them uncomfortable.
Well from a natural conversation perspective, it's generally normal to break eye contact occasionally, which can signify that you're internalising and processing what the other person is telling you. Also, you can make slightly less eye contact when you're the one doing the talking.

But even if you're consciously trying to maintain eye contact, the best technical advice while doing so is to just look down, or have your head tilted down, and don't try to stare the other person down. The points in the above paragraph happen more naturally when you're genuinely engaged in the conversation and relaxed.

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post #15 of 32 (permalink) Old 01-16-2021, 08:42 AM
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50/50


I think most people usually look at me and make eye contact. I think this is normal for everyone else, least here in the states it is.

My problem is that I don't always look at them when I'm talking to them aside from the initial recognition when they call out to me. I know under normal circumstances, you aren't constantly going to be staring the person in the eyes while a conversation is going on without glancing away but my issue is that I don't even make eye contact with people when they try and start something with me. So, people here make the assumption that I'm ignoring them or that I don't want to talk with them. This makes them avoid me because the mood is always ruined.

Body language is a weird thing but useful when you can interpret it. Some cultures/countries don't require the constant eye contact like they do here and I think I appreciate that stance more than what they tend to consider here... which is if you aren't making eye contact, it's considered "rude" for whatever reason.

Though I have always made it my practice to be pleasant to everybody, I have not once actually experienced friendship. I have only the most painful recollections of my various acquaintances ..."
― Osamu Dazai, No Longer Human
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post #16 of 32 (permalink) Old 01-17-2021, 05:11 PM
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Eye contact triggers a dominance response in most animals if it's sustained, iirc. If you try to stare down an animal, don't be surprised if it attacks you! It works the same way in humans, so far as I know. So establishing eye contact is a way that we negotiate dominance hierarchies in human communities. We make contact, then look away, to let the other person know that we mean them no harm, because looking away is a sign of submission. Staring is taken as a challenge. If you're a man and you stare at another man, don't be surprised if he attacks you, haha.

For opposite sex (or same-sex in appropriate contexts) staring is taken as an expression of sexual interest, which is why repeatedly making eye contact is a form of flirting. (If they're avoiding making eye contact, they're probably not interested. Unless, ofc, they have anxiety!)

The reason they tell you to make eye contact is because people who refuse to make eye contact are typically taken as being untrustworthy ("shifty") and it puts people on the defensive. But staring is even worse and tends to create a fight or flight response. At least, that's my understanding of it.

I generally try to make eye contact when I initially approach someone, and smile, and then look away. That's my "I come in peace" routine. I generally avoid eye-contact after that because it makes me very uncomfortable. If I have to talk to someone for any length of time, I'll make eye contact again generally every few minutes to let them know I'm listening. Aside from initial contact, I don't think people make much of an effort to look me in the eye. And they rarely return my smile. I mostly get impatient or disgusted looks, which quickly turns into indifference.

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post #17 of 32 (permalink) Old 01-17-2021, 05:42 PM
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If I'm explaining something, or setting someone a task, I will look at their facial expressions to see if what I am saying etc. is being undeerstood, and in the case of setting a task, if my request is getting that person's co-operation etc. I think staring comes down to focus, for example there is looking for facial expressions and then there is staring. We shouldn't stare. Hope this helps

These are just my thoughts/opinions, I am not a Doctor/Health Professional etc. so please draw your own conclusions.
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post #18 of 32 (permalink) Old 01-17-2021, 05:57 PM
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I know dat feel. I feel awkward because I don't maintain eyecontact, so sometimes I try to force it which doesn't help lol. Many of the time I just let it slide though; I don't think it matters that much compared to other things imo.
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post #19 of 32 (permalink) Old 01-18-2021, 05:19 AM
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I agree, it's more important to try and be relaxed, that can mean lowering the expectations we put on ourselves. If eye contact is a issue don't make it, or just do it periodically, but it's worth remembering people mostly look at someone's facial expressions (this is what we mean when we say eye contact), to check they are being understood. Hope this helps

These are just my thoughts/opinions, I am not a Doctor/Health Professional etc. so please draw your own conclusions.
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post #20 of 32 (permalink) Old 01-18-2021, 07:35 AM
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I don't make eye contact with people because in my experience, people see that as their golden ticket to harrass and acost me, or make up lies about me.

It's important for a guy who looks and acts like me to have walls up and never give people any slack to use against me.
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