My insecurities has begun to take root and little hints of anxiety have begun gnawing at me. Whenever Iím not distracted by an external stimulus like working out or working.
This situation has been really hard on me, and now I find myself unable to conjure up any self-worth.
I admit that I have pretty severe abandonment issues and I carry intense feelings of loneliness.
I seem to have fallen into an emotional trap.
I feel like Iím drowning in my own thoughts in an extremely negative way.
Iíve developed this little seed of madness that is destined to lead to catastrophe over and over.
Whenever I meet a woman who shows me the tiniest bit of interest I get incredibly happy. The happiness I feel is hope, which upon my inevitable failure turns to despair and sadness.
I start to idealize her and fantasize about what a life with her might look like, and I dismiss any red flag that may or may not show up.
Rationally I know this is wrong, but I cannot help myself. My very specific Idealization gives me no alternative values. Iím ĎAll iní for what I perceive the connection to be and what itís supposed to become.
I then proceed, trying to build a genuine connection. At first this tends to go well, but of course itís never to last.
At least not if I cannot get myself out of this desperate and pitiable state.
It always ends the same way.
Eventually sheíll stop replying to me ďout of nowhereĒ (I know it really isnít out of nowhere, it only seems like that to me).
Usually this happens within a week or two or maybe if Iím ďluckyĒ she might stay a month or two.
While just stopping to reply to someone is disrespectful to the fullest. Iím not assigning any blame to these women, because Iím fully aware that I deserve it, and that it is painfully appropriate because of all the needy behavior Iím exhibiting. I know itís my own fault.
But still, this pains me to my absolute core because of my fanatical devotion to attain the idealized life with her Iíve conceived in my mind. Itís like my perceived self worth begins and ends with my success in this endeavor.
My obsessive devotion stems from my inability to see worth in anything other than having someone to love romantically.
Whenever my mind finds hope in the form the slightest hint of interest from another, this becomes my only desire the only thing I significantly value.
It feels like I have no other ways of fulfillment and when this focal point threatens to be taken away I find myself at serious risk of being cut off from anything in life worth living for due to the one-dimensionality of my endeavor.
For me, when coming to terms with failure, I find myself faced with the possibility of nothingness. I find this reprehensible.
I am a man of pure idealism, this is my saving grace and my downfall.
Without it, I wouldnít be able to feel as passionately as I do, but I also wouldnít have had to experience such excruciating suffering.
The circumstances I create for myself forces me, a man characterized by laughter, tears and extremes, to suddenly lose ties to what makes life worthwhile. From total life to an existential death, from everything to zero. Itís forcing a man of pure Idealism to submit to nihilism. This leads to an extreme dissonance within me. I wonít stand for it, instead I reject it and do everything I can to maintain lives value by searching out a new person to long for, so I can start the process over. I do this even though I know it will never be healthy and successful until I resolve my own issues.
This gives me some drastic mood swings. Iím beautiful and full of love when I have my purpose and Iím irritable, conniving and ugly when things threatens to be taken away. I begin to act in self defense to do anything in my power to preserve it.
When I came to this realization it caused immense internal agony that I donít think can be overstated.
Think about your ultimate goal in life, the one thing you want to achieve more than anything else, now take away any other fallback plan and secondary goal you have. Eliminate anything in your life that doesnít pertain to this one thing. Next try to imagine your desire for this success amplified many times over, and lastly due to forces beyond your control and understanding, that goal is slowly slipping from your grasp and you are unable to do anything to prevent what you perceive as failure when it comes to your only reason for existence.
I chastise myself so harshly. My extreme contemplation mixed with my idealization and narrow mindedness is something that causes me to be exceptionally hard on myself, failure in any form is something I absolutely punish myself for internally, because this is my nature.
While I think understand the situation clearly, I know I cannot see things clearly because of how personal this concept is to me.
The truth is am afraid, so afraid of being alone.
The worst thing is that I RATIONALLY know that this dependency is ridiculous. But yet, I still feel and experience it emotionally.
The profound love and desperation that characterizes every fiber of my being, leaves me in such a pitiable state.
I would give anything to be rid of this extreme longing for an intimate emotional connection.
I would give anything to not feel as though I need someone to complete me, when I know Iím supposed to be able to conceive an identity, purpose and be a complete person through internal mechanisms not through the leaning on another.
The lasting impact following failure in this endeavor is quite melancholic and poignant. The pain does subside, usually after about 2 weeks. Which in the past led me to believe I could just stop exposing myself to the beauty and tragedy that love and purpose is to me.
But I cannot help myself, the feelings blossoming up within me whenever Iím exposed to the possibility of hope will not allow themselves to be stifled.
Iíve tried working out more, reading books, attending my hobbies, cleaning my home and generally keeping myself busy with working.
But Iím never content never comfortable with myself and who I am as a person.
Thanks for the read