does it get any more sad than this? - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-20-2019, 05:05 AM Thread Starter
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does it get any more sad than this?

Hi all, thought I'd get some opinions on me I guess.

I am a mid 30s male, haven't done much with my life. Finished university and multiple degrees. Have done well academically, topped some units at university scoring in the 90s. I scored one of the highest in a major research unit, then the following semester did another research unit and history meant nothing, was a nervous wreck, teacher thought I was clueless because I was nervous, nothing new I've had that happen a million times. None of this schooling has done anything for me, has not helped one bit. I'd rather be homeless with a healthy mind, from there I'd be in a better position, no joke.

So, recently I bought some jewellery. I really liked what I bought, cost me a fair bit too, I actually loved the pieces I bought. I've come to find out that I'm not able to wear my jewellery out in public without having huge panic attacks, I literally cannot breathe or talk. Who would've thought that a chain or a ring could produce such a response? A ring!

I don't know why I thought I could actually be OK wearing jewellery. You might be thinking, so what, then just don't wear it. The jewellery issue here is just one example. I'd have this response to many things. Wearing a suit, NO NO, better have a valid reason for wearing a suit. It actually needn't even be a suit. Smart casual dress code will make me panic, better be on my way somewhere important. If it's a really hot day and I've decided to wear something resembling a singlet, I fear that I'm coming across as showing off. That's a big one with me, showing off. Someone asks me what I do, I never tell the truth for fear of being yelled at, being told off. I do everything to please and never do what I want to do. I'm passive and have incorrect filters as to what showing off means.

I'm more comfortable living in a crappy suburb, with crappy everything, looking like crap, having nothing in my life in any area of life, than the opposite.

It's Saturday night here, another weekend gone by. And here I am wishing I could wear my jewellery which I paid for. God please end me, finish meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee now.
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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-20-2019, 07:32 AM
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So if you don't mind me asking do have you got a partner at the moment to help you out with life?
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-20-2019, 07:50 AM Thread Starter
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no partner. I've never had a gf. Not even close. There was one time a girl who I fancied that showed interest in me, but I was just too scared/insecure and all that. On one occasion, a girl I fancied and who I thought was just too good for me, has settled down with the biggest slob.

I've got my mum, she's sometimes understanding.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-20-2019, 08:31 AM
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@nikica , it could be more sad. Imagine you had all those problems PLUS you were poor.

Nobody loves me but my dog, and I think he might be jivin', too.
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-20-2019, 04:44 PM
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@nikica sounds like impostor syndrome. I have it too, the idea that you can't live up to whatever standard you're projecting. You can probably get therapy to correct it.

I'm intrigued by what you do for a living that you're worried people will yell at you for. Are you a politician?

I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-21-2019, 12:09 AM
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Hi Nikica

Thank you for sharing. I found it so interesting. I can relate, I think, to some of it.

For me, it took me years to not feel baaaaaad for wearing a long skirt or long dress. In my head I could imagine my mum shaming me, who did I think I was to be wearing that. The impression I got when I was very young was that people who wore that were hussies, too loose.

Man, I struggled with this for years and when I visited my parents, I would be so anxious if I was brave enough to wear what I wanted, begging silently that they not judge me. I JUST wanted to feel pretty.

Now that I’m 50 I’ve realised that she was very uncomfortable with confident women who dressed a little sexy.

Anyway, I still find myself cringing when I want to wear anything that she would deem loose (which is basically most things).

I also can hear her saying/ judging who am I to be wearing office clothes, like a professional. To counter this, I somehow picture pushing my arms out at her and thinking ‘that’s her stuff, not mine’. Still struggle with it though. It’s a lot to carry around-other people’s baggage as well as my own. Exhausting!🙂
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-21-2019, 01:07 AM
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I have no advice (other than, hope you get some therapy and own your jewellery/skirts!) but great stories, op and @Hopeful12

Leonard Cohen (Bird on a Wire): I have tried in my own way to be free
Mrs Hudson (BBC Sherlock): Sherlock! The mess you've made!
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 04-21-2019, 05:46 AM
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I can relate to what you're saying, nikica. I used to buy clothes that I liked the look of in the shop, then when I got home I would realise I felt so awkward wearing them that I'd basically wasted my money. Said items of clothing would end up feeding moths in my cupboard.

I'm a lot better now. But I guess I don't give so much of a f*** what I look like any more. Having a receding hairline and an expanding waistline will have that effect on you lol. I just buy stuff that I know I'll feel comfortable wearing.

Having said that, I still feel totally ridiculous wearing a suit or overly smart clothes. I've never had a job where I've had to don a suit every day. I don't think I could do it.

I look at other guys in suits and think how bizzare our society is where that kind of get-up - skinny, tapered trousers with long, pointy shoes, fancy tucked-in shirts, stupid ties etc - is the expected attire. Definitely not for me!
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