does it get any more sad than this?
Hi all, thought I'd get some opinions on me I guess.
I am a mid 30s male, haven't done much with my life. Finished university and multiple degrees. Have done well academically, topped some units at university scoring in the 90s. I scored one of the highest in a major research unit, then the following semester did another research unit and history meant nothing, was a nervous wreck, teacher thought I was clueless because I was nervous, nothing new I've had that happen a million times. None of this schooling has done anything for me, has not helped one bit. I'd rather be homeless with a healthy mind, from there I'd be in a better position, no joke.
So, recently I bought some jewellery. I really liked what I bought, cost me a fair bit too, I actually loved the pieces I bought. I've come to find out that I'm not able to wear my jewellery out in public without having huge panic attacks, I literally cannot breathe or talk. Who would've thought that a chain or a ring could produce such a response? A ring!
I don't know why I thought I could actually be OK wearing jewellery. You might be thinking, so what, then just don't wear it. The jewellery issue here is just one example. I'd have this response to many things. Wearing a suit, NO NO, better have a valid reason for wearing a suit. It actually needn't even be a suit. Smart casual dress code will make me panic, better be on my way somewhere important. If it's a really hot day and I've decided to wear something resembling a singlet, I fear that I'm coming across as showing off. That's a big one with me, showing off. Someone asks me what I do, I never tell the truth for fear of being yelled at, being told off. I do everything to please and never do what I want to do. I'm passive and have incorrect filters as to what showing off means.
I'm more comfortable living in a crappy suburb, with crappy everything, looking like crap, having nothing in my life in any area of life, than the opposite.
It's Saturday night here, another weekend gone by. And here I am wishing I could wear my jewellery which I paid for. God please end me, finish meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee now.