Does anyone else look back at their childhood and get angry that their mental health issue - Page 4 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #61 of 81 (permalink) Old 11-04-2019, 09:21 AM
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i think about this a lot, all the suffering i went through by myself mentally at a young age. I was as quiet as a mouse, school told my parents to test me for a learning disability, turned out I didn't have one.
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post #62 of 81 (permalink) Old 11-04-2019, 01:28 PM
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I stopped getting angry after I moved away. I even missed my parents. Then I came back after 5 years to live in the same city, and the proximity brought back a lot of bad feelings I buried.

It's not even that they didn't care that I had social anxiety or never had friends. They did not seem to see me as human, just as a tool they could use in their marriage or a shoulder to carry their burdens and problems. Usually, adults try to shield their kids... my parents used me as an emotional punching bag. I was never loved or cared about or made to feel like I mattered, and none of the adults in my life looked out for me. I had an older sibling who tried a bit towards the end (before I left), but he had his own demons to deal with.

I'm kind of still 5 years old at heart I guess. As an adult I latch onto all the mentor or authority figures I can because I never had parents, and it's still a void I haven't filled. It's something I struggle with the past while and a reason I'm considering relocating away again. Seeing my parents just brings a lot of resentment to the surface.
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post #63 of 81 (permalink) Old 11-04-2019, 09:25 PM
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No, I blame society. My parents did what they thought was best, based on contemporary social attitudes of the time. They didn't ignore me; they tried to "fix" me.

I love Society. It is entirely composed now of beautiful idiots and brilliant lunatics. Just what Society should be.
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post #64 of 81 (permalink) Old 11-06-2019, 01:21 PM
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Yeah a little bit. My mother did care it's just that I didn't get the help that was needed. My father definitely did not care about any problems I had. He was barely a father figure. Teachers saw that I was shy and meek and some of them defended me from bullies and I did get sent to the school counselor and she tried to help my self confidence. I was pretty bitter about the lack of treatment but now I see that so many people have issues, including worse than mine, so I forgive my mother.

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post #65 of 81 (permalink) Old 11-07-2019, 09:57 AM
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I am on the verge of turning 40 and with that fast approaching I have been thinking...more like obsessing over things I have missed out on (friendships and relationships being the biggest two things) and my poor decisions which I pay for each day. If only I wasnít so closed minded as a teen/young adult...I could have gone away to college and away from my sad hometown but I didnít and it is one of my biggest regrets.


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post #66 of 81 (permalink) Old 11-14-2019, 01:08 PM
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Yes. Society also sucks in general.

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post #67 of 81 (permalink) Old 11-23-2019, 08:19 PM Thread Starter
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No, I blame society. My parents did what they thought was best, based on contemporary social attitudes of the time. They didn't ignore me; they tried to "fix" me.
Agree I have to realize my parents and other people were acting within contemporary social attitudes of the time. Which was in the 1980's when I was growing up was not to accepting of mental illness. Or have a good understanding of it.

Guess it could have been worse. If I was born a generation or 2 earlier mental health issues were really not dealt with well. Would have been locked up in a insane asylum and likely abused.
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post #68 of 81 (permalink) Old 11-23-2019, 08:42 PM
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Guess it could have been worse. If I was born a generation or 2 earlier mental health issues were really not dealt with well. Would have been locked up in a insane asylum and likely abused.
When I was a kid, my biggest fear was being taken away by "the men in white coats". Me and my sibs used to sing "they're coming to take you away, haha!" to each other. But it was an actual fear of mine. Tbh, I've never really outgrown it. Because, y'know, I'm crazy. Several people in my family have been in institutions, including my older brother, who I was very close to.

I love Society. It is entirely composed now of beautiful idiots and brilliant lunatics. Just what Society should be.
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post #69 of 81 (permalink) Old 01-17-2020, 10:27 PM Thread Starter
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I am on the verge of turning 40 and with that fast approaching I have been thinking...more like obsessing over things I have missed out on (friendships and relationships being the biggest two things) and my poor decisions which I pay for each day. If only I wasnít so closed minded as a teen/young adult...I could have gone away to college and away from my sad hometown but I didnít and it is one of my biggest regrets.


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Your not 40 yet. Still fairly young. You can still make that move. Get out of your hometown. I didn't until I was in my early 30's. (42 now). It is good to get away and see what other towns or cities have to offer. If you don't have kids of spouse not to much holding you to your hometown. Why not leave? Start applying for jobs somewhere you want to live. If it dosent work out you can always head back home. But at least you gave it a try
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post #70 of 81 (permalink) Old 01-17-2020, 10:35 PM
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I did go to a school counciller a couple times but they were just a glorified minister with no proper training & laughed at me, I left shortly after never to return.






And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
- Macbeth
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post #71 of 81 (permalink) Old 01-17-2020, 11:13 PM
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I did go to a school counciller a couple times but they were just a glorified minister with no proper training & laughed at me, I left shortly after never to return.
... you should have got naked and started masturbating ... to let ‘em know you meant business
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post #72 of 81 (permalink) Old 01-17-2020, 11:18 PM
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... you should have got naked and started masturbating ... to let ‘em know you meant business
In retrospect that's what I should have done, but I was too shy, I'll add it to my list of regrets : /






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post #73 of 81 (permalink) Old 01-17-2020, 11:21 PM
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... yeah ... I’m adding that last post to my list &#x1f615;
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post #74 of 81 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 06:55 AM
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I can't back this but I wouldn't be surprised if SA was more common in the US and Western Europe and less in Africa or the Middle East.

By going to doctors early on I think it makes things worse as you install something in the kid that something is wrong. That's a wrong way of thinking. Early on your brain and mentality is yet to be fully formed so I'd always wait till you are adult.
i'd say that the division between west and other parts of the world is more to do with culture though than psychiatrists. western culture is more narcissistic and selfish. whereas in other cultures the emphasis is on community,co-operation and helping others. I don't see that at all in the west. most communities in the west are toxic and more interested in gossiping about others.

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When I was growing up, kids who saw "shrinks" were often teased and ostracized by their peers. Maybe that would have made things worse.
this is a good point, even if someone pointed it out, if there was a heavy stigma attached to it then I might have not been comfortable with any help.

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More annoyed my parents didn't seek help for their own mental health issues.
this would have helped things a lot. I might have actually had a normal upbringing!? they've been inheriting and passing down a generational issue of neglect among other things. neither of them dealt with their issues they have had from their own parents. it's one of the biggest reasons I don't want my own kids.

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post #75 of 81 (permalink) Old 01-18-2020, 12:28 PM
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Not really. I don't think my parents were any more well equipped to deal with my psychological issues than they were to deal with being parents in the first place. The main thing I blame them for is just plain not having enough common sense to realize the results of their reproductive activities would likely not be that great. Or I guess we should say the odds were not good.

They got lucky with my sister (Sort of. She still has health problems that she probably inherited and likely passed on to her own children). I definitely lost the genetic lottery. Beyond that point, there's probably not much anyone could have done. Short of being millionaires. If they had been millionaires and I would have inherited enough to survive on, I wouldn't blame them for reproducing. That not having been the case, I feel that I can blame them for gambling with an empty bank account.

I feel that my sister's children will likely pay a steep price in the long run as well. They're all still young for the time being so only time will tell. There are 3 of them and at least once of their parents came from less than ideal genes. They also don't have an extensive family network to fall back on if anything happens to their parents. If even one of them turns out as bad as I did that will be an unacceptable fail in my book. Two successes and one fail is still unacceptable.
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Pretty much still this. Garbage in, garbage out.

They could have done more if they had a clue but if they had a clue, I probably wouldn't have been born so the problem wouldn't have existed to start with.
x3

Really. I don't even know if I can blame them or not. Since someone has to actually know better (or have had the faculties to have known better) and I can now see that my parents were dreadfully unqualified to have known better. I mean I can see them making horrendous choices every day even now (even while people are pointing it out and explaining why it's no good and they just put their heads down and keep going) and I look back and I think "And these are the people who were supposed to make responsible breeding choices in 1972?" I mean, what is even the point of civilization if this is the best we can do? We might as well not put any thought into anything really.

/WYSD
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post #76 of 81 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 08:08 AM
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Your not 40 yet. Still fairly young. You can still make that move. Get out of your hometown. I didn't until I was in my early 30's. (42 now). It is good to get away and see what other towns or cities have to offer. If you don't have kids of spouse not to much holding you to your hometown. Why not leave? Start applying for jobs somewhere you want to live. If it dosent work out you can always head back home. But at least you gave it a try
I was thinking about doing that exact thing (applying for jobs in the city I want to move to) just the other day. As usual, I have nothing to do on this gray, miserable day so I am going to spend some time today looking at jobs there (and here in my city) too just to see whatís out there. I need a new job badly right now and I am guessing there is more available in that other city over my own.
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post #77 of 81 (permalink) Old 01-19-2020, 11:45 AM Thread Starter
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I was thinking about doing that exact thing (applying for jobs in the city I want to move to) just the other day. As usual, I have nothing to do on this gray, miserable day so I am going to spend some time today looking at jobs there (and here in my city) too just to see whatís out there. I need a new job badly right now and I am guessing there is more available in that other city over my own.
Which city would you like to move to out of curiosity? What city you in now? Only problem is if you get a job interview in the city you plan on moving to you have to travel there and spend money for the interview and hotel which can get expensive. Works best if you can get several interviews scheduled at the same time when you are in the city. Hard to coordinate that though. Good luck.
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post #78 of 81 (permalink) Old 01-20-2020, 01:42 PM
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Did I have mental health issues as a kid? I don't remember. I might have ADHD. I need to get screened again to be certain. Maybe I even have high functioning autism or Asperger's, although I don't quite tick off all the boxes. I shouldn't self-diagnose.

Anyway, I was verbally bullied a lot as a kid. Called a loser all the time, kids laughed at me and avoided me as if I had leprosy. They always had this look of disgust on their face when I tried to talk to them. That killed my self-esteem, and as a result I became much more quiet and withdrawn. The isolation in turn made me depressed... I think? I don't think I knew what depression was when I was a child. Before university, I just felt lonely most of the time, but I didn't constantly think to myself that I was a worthless loser.

I went to university, and that was quite rough. Nobody wanted to talk to me in my classes. And the few who did, they just thought I was 'smart' and wanted help with their assignments. No one wanted to get to know me for who I was. This caused my self-esteem to dip even further, further perpetuating this vicious cycle of loneliness, depression, and social anxiety.

I think it all stems back from childhood. I must be so convinced of my inferiority, probably stemming from the bullies repeatedly calling me a f****t and b***h. Lots of tears were shed in those days... there were a few kind students, but eventually they all left me as well. I always seem to wonder what I have done wrong, what I did to deserve all this. Why am I so different from everyone else. Why no one seemed to think I was worth hanging out with... it still bothers me today.
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post #79 of 81 (permalink) Old 01-20-2020, 04:50 PM
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Extremely so. Sometimes my mom jokes to our family friend who has young children that I was an easy child to raise... Until age 4. My mom knows I had actual diagnoses so I don't know if she takes that into account. Usually she is really sympathetic nowadays when I tell her I've never felt completely safe a minute of my life. I've been diagnosed with OCD and clearly showed signs of magical thinking and social anxiety as a kid, my parents took me to a therapist for the first time in 1st grade. Yet when I would have panic attacks about my reality literally warping or have some obsession/compulsion that makes no sense but very clearly made me upset, they would act like I was being a disobedient child for the sake of being difficult. It always made me mad that they trivialized my mental illness as having a tantrum. Clearly they knew something was wrong because they took me to therapy so it still pisses me off whenever one of them makes some remark about me being a difficult or weird child. I don't even think my dad knows I have/had OCD, but he does know I've been to therapy twice, probably about to start again soon. People are always saying how they support the mentally ill but then when they hear your thoughts they treat you like youre stupid, weird, or over reacting.
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post #80 of 81 (permalink) Old 01-22-2020, 08:09 AM
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My parents and teachers made attempts to get me to address my problems. My teachers sent me to the school counselor for weekly social training sessions that didn't help. My parents sent me to a child psychologist who said I'd grow out of it. So the only person I can blame is myself, for not taking advantage of the help that was available and being afraid to really try to push my boundaries.

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