Only every day at about 3am. It's particularly unpleasant when it's dark.
Yah, for me too. I have awful insomnia, for some reason when I turn out the light, and I'm no longer distracted by the goings-on of the day every fear and insecurity I have hits me like a ton of bricks and I start to freak out. Racing heart, tight chest, can't breathe. Then I end up awake all night and exhausted the next way. Can't seem to stop me from haunting myself.
Originally Posted by RelinquishedHell
I know how it happened. I'd say it's crazy genes mixed with bad luck.
Yep, there you go. But I also feel like I let all that get out of control. Like I didn't check my downward spiral. Like it all happened in progressive increments and all I could see was that next little failure and accommodated myself to it without realizing the trajectory I was on then all of a sudden you're 100 feet deep and now you have no hope of clawing your way out.
Originally Posted by WillYouStopDave
Rhetorically? Perhaps I occasionally ask myself questions like that.
Realistically? No. Not really. I know how I got here. This was where I was headed all along and I always knew it. I just didn't spend much time dreading it and thinking about how bad it would actually be when I got here or if I got here and it was much worse in reality than anything I could have imagined.
Yes - it's way worse than I imagined. Same boat. But for me I didn't anticipate it getting worse. In fact, despite what was happening I always had this stupid notion that things would just work out in the end, because I'm me and things shouldn't be this bad for me. Now I feel as thought I've missed my opportunities to alter that trajectory. I'm a thousand feet deep and can't even see light of day anymore to guide me out.
For me, it was like being in the woods at night, trying to find your way home. All you can see if your hand in front of your face. There is no context. You don't know where you're headed, you just see whats immediately in front of you. Then you're shocked when you walk off a cliff and its too late...
why why why why am I me and the world the way it is. disaster!!!!
Exactly. Though rather than ask why I'm usually thinking "If only...." If only I did this then or did that here.
Yeah, definitely. Like how did I fail quite this hard? How did I dig myself in quite this deep?
Yes - didn't anticipate I'd fail this this degree. Yah, I always knew my life would be different from most and I'd have more struggles. But to fail to hard? It came as a shock.
You cant change the past but you can make the most of where you are today and make progress towards your goals in the future.
I'm trying but its so hard. It's hard for all of us. When you are damaged and can barely get through the day. How do you save any for progress? Maybe the fight is where we make progress..