Like why me? How did it get so bad? How did I let myself get to THIS place?
Whether it's anxiety or depression or addiction or just disappointment at life in general, do you ever just stop and realize "this isn't normal, I'm not normal, this situation isn't normal, where did it all go wrong? How did I arrive here?"
For many of you, like for me, it was probably a series of missteps, accommodations to my disorders, poor choices, squandered opportunities and the inability to effect real change in my situation. Over time this all snowballs and you end up in a situation that is dire, that you never anticipated, that you can't wiggle out of anymore.
You're stuck all in your head.
You're stuck all in your life.
Man, how do you backtrack? How do you unstick something that's been stuck for so long?
Once you've become something how do you recreate that identity? Can one be reborn?
Rhetorically? Perhaps I occasionally ask myself questions like that.
Realistically? No. Not really. I know how I got here. This was where I was headed all along and I always knew it. I just didn't spend much time dreading it and thinking about how bad it would actually be when I got here or if I got here and it was much worse in reality than anything I could have imagined.
So my actual failure was (as is so often the case with me) a failure to imagine things that I couldn't imagine because I had no real frame of reference. I did not need to imagine that I would ultimately end up screwed. That was easy. But I could not have imagined things that hadn't happened yet and I did not expect to have happen. You have to be able to expect something in order to be prepared for it. I was not prepared for some of the things that brought me to this precise place I'm at now.
I was not prepared for those things so I was not able to react to them in a way that allowed me to effectively deal with their consequences. If you cannot deal with the consequences of bad things, you cannot control where that sends you and the likelihood of unpredictable destinations increases dramatically. And most of them are not good places.
So. I know how I got here. And I also know why there is no way back. Because you can't turn back time. There are some things that once they have transpired, the only thing you can do is attempt to cushion the impact as best you can.
When I was younger, I had a great deal of luck in many ways but it was not the kind of luck that helps you all that much in the long run. It merely helps you stay airborne longer before you inevitably crash. Which, I mean, happens to everyone eventually but I guess most people are able to stay airborne long enough to crash a lot more gently.