Disappointment is the baggage of SA - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-24-2019, 08:57 PM Thread Starter
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Disappointment is the baggage of SA


Having struggled with SA for as long as I can remember ( and I’m old now ) I have concluded that ( at least for me ) disappointment is the baggage of SA.
Allow me to explain ... in my case, when invited to a social event for instance ... my first instinct is to play the avoidance card ... I’ll convince myself that it’s easier on me to avoid the scenario that I’ve cooked up in my brain of what’s probably going to happen at the event , than it would be to actually go .
So, along with getting older, comes certain social events that I’m expected to attend ... meeting my daughter’s in laws for instance or the father of the bride speech at her wedding, etc ... you get the picture ... so, the very last thing I would want to do is to disappoint my wife or daughter ... or anyone for that matter by not attending important things in life ... but ironically, the very thing I don’t want to do is the exact thing that ends up happening ... I disappoint the very people I care for the most . It’s maddening ... I’ve concluded that when I ask myself what am I good at doing ... unfortunately my answer is “I’m good at disappointing “ ... as sad as that is ... it’s the honest truth. Having struggled with SA for so long ... as each new invitation would come in, the anxiety starts, the struggle, the fight to possibly, somehow manage to go ... I sometimes lose the battle and simply can not do it ... hence the disappointment ... in myself, from my loved ones to me, the friends that invited us ... the whole thing turns into one giant disappointment ... caused by me. For those that don’t know how exhausting it is living with SA consider yourself very lucky ... every day is a struggle.
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post #2 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-25-2019, 10:34 AM
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For me, it's mainly disappointment in myself. I have a social event coming up in a few weeks and I know I'm going to eff it up.

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post #3 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-25-2019, 01:46 PM
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For me, it's mainly disappointment in myself. I have a social event coming up in a few weeks and I know I'm going to eff it up.
My take on these things.. not ****ing it up isn't your goal. Going and doing it anyway even if you **** it up is. That is your measure of success. You went, knowing you could **** it up, went anyway, ****ed it up, and then became more determined to go the next time and **** it up again.

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post #4 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-25-2019, 01:57 PM
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One would think finding yourself a wife and having a kid would ultimately help SA but your story makes it clear that's not true at all. I often thought all I need is a job and a woman to live with and it'll get better but it's not quite true. In fact I can imagine it even getting worse because there is so much responsibilities that come with it.
I think I'll just stick with being single
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post #5 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-25-2019, 05:50 PM Thread Starter
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I think I have to agree with bob ... for me , the actual “getting to the get together”(or whatever it may be that life throws at me that day) that is the hardest part for me. Once I get there I usually end up managing to have a decent time but lately I’ve been making small talk about SA ... and yet no matter how well I try and explain how SA affects me it always seems people still have a difficult time understanding ... which is frustrating. Anyways I believe in not giving up trying to find that “thing” that might be the key to giving me the relief I’ve been looking for. As exhausting as SA can be I’m determined to finding that relief.
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post #6 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-25-2019, 06:13 PM
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Originally Posted by conantheworthless View Post
One would think finding yourself a wife and having a kid would ultimately help SA but your story makes it clear that's not true at all. I often thought all I need is a job and a woman to live with and it'll get better but it's not quite true. In fact I can imagine it even getting worse because there is so much responsibilities that come with it.
I think I'll just stick with being single
It can help but it won't necessarily get rid of it. I'm 60 and have been married for ages and I still have it. I'd say mine is very different to a lot of people here though. But I do still have terrible anxiety sometimes.

I have had a lot of disappointments in my life too - I wish I could have done more as far as career goes. I was terrible at that. But I also have a huge amount to be grateful for too - I've had a lot of good times and plan on having some more.
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post #7 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-25-2019, 08:50 PM
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I hear ya. I missed a friend's birthday celebration tonight...totally forgot about it because I was so stuck in my own head and feeling trapped in my house. Didn't even get as far as calling/texting to tell her Happy birthday and that I couldn't make it. I feel super ****ty about it now. I feel like my friends know me as the fickle and flaky one, which is how I come across but soooooo not who I want to be. I care about my friends SO much and I so badly want to be there with them. They've heard all my excuses at this point so I'm sure they just roll their eyes. I wish they knew just how badly I want to be there and be present with them.
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post #8 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-25-2019, 08:52 PM
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I think I have to agree with bob ... for me , the actual ďgetting to the get togetherĒ(or whatever it may be that life throws at me that day) that is the hardest part for me. Once I get there I usually end up managing to have a decent time but lately Iíve been making small talk about SA ... and yet no matter how well I try and explain how SA affects me it always seems people still have a difficult time understanding ... which is frustrating. Anyways I believe in not giving up trying to find that ďthingĒ that might be the key to giving me the relief Iíve been looking for. As exhausting as SA can be Iím determined to finding that relief.
Wow...this is exactly my struggle. I seem ok when I finally get out in the world, so my friends don't understand how hard it is for me the rest of the time. They see me looking ok, and that's the image they have to compare to when I tell them I just can't get out of my apartment. No wonder it doesn't make sense to them. I think that's the scariest thing about SA to me. It's so isolating because even those that are close to me and care about me just don't understand it. The more I try to explain, the more confused they seem to get, so I just feel like I'm letting them down.
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post #9 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-26-2019, 07:56 AM
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Nah I don't relate to this
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post #10 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-26-2019, 09:24 AM Thread Starter
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Last Friday and especially Saturday I had what call mini panic attacks. Anyways we had our family come over to celebrate my wife’s mother’s birthday ... like, you know normal people stuff ... i started getting that tight chest can’t get a full breath feeling, anxious about everything, anxious about nothing, just couldn’t get comfortable ... now, that was Friday... with “family” ... got through it ok but whew I was exhausted ... then Saturday comes along ... we didn’t have anything planned... nothing ... just watch a movie and relax ... right ? ... should’ve been a nice quiet veg day ... but on came this wave of anxiety and here I go ... so I think I may have hit on something here ... I take high blood pressure pills, cholesterol pills, etc on a daily basis ... I also take vitamin D and Magnesium supplements at the same time ... I read those 2 supplements help your mood ... so, for a week or so I had doubled up on the supplements but for some reason I went back to my usual dose and that’s when these mini attacks started ... so I’ve doubled back up on the vitamin D and magnesium again and I have to admit I have really noticed an elevation in my overall mood.
I’m wondering if anyone has any knowledge of these or any supplements that seem to alleviate the occurrence of anxiety attacks ?
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post #11 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-26-2019, 09:33 AM
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Internally, I'm always disappointed with myself. Externally, people are disappointed with me no matter whatever I do/say. If I go to an event my friend or family member wants me to go to, they'll expect my presence to be enjoyable. Problematically, the vast majority of what I feel in any public/social scenario is anxiety and I think it becomes pretty apparent to people that I don't want to be there. To them, I'm being unsupportive, little do they know me just giving my presence requires a great deal of energy from me, even if my presence isn't wanted. I try my best. I wish people understood how chaotic my brain gets in public. I can't turn that off.

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post #12 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-26-2019, 10:10 AM Thread Starter
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Internally, I'm always disappointed with myself. Externally, people are disappointed with me no matter whatever I do/say. If I go to an event my friend or family member wants me to go to, they'll expect my presence to be enjoyable. Problematically, the vast majority of what I feel in any public/social scenario is anxiety and I think it becomes pretty apparent to people that I don't want to be there. To them, I'm being unsupportive, little do they know me just giving my presence requires a great deal of energy from me, even if my presence isn't wanted. I try my best. I wish people understood how chaotic my brain gets in public. I can't turn that off.
Exactly ... people don’t know ... I don’t know if they ever will know ... and, unfortunately the ones closest to us are usually included in there. That’s what I was talking about where the disappointment comes in ... I don’t have any fix for that ... I wish I did ... and I think we’re all aware that people only have so much patience to give ... some more some less ... (which in turn causes us or at least me to have anxiety about that ) ... suddenly frantically searching for a quick fix , something that’ll calm you down enough to get through the next few social challenges, so you don’t totally end up straining yet another relationship/friendship/family time together ... it truly is maddening but I think it’s beatable ... I’m staying optimistic
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post #13 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-26-2019, 10:13 AM Thread Starter
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Nah I don't relate to this
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You don’t experience disappointment with SA ?
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post #14 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-26-2019, 10:42 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by conantheworthless View Post
One would think finding yourself a wife and having a kid would ultimately help SA but your story makes it clear that's not true at all. I often thought all I need is a job and a woman to live with and it'll get better but it's not quite true. In fact I can imagine it even getting worse because there is so much responsibilities that come with it.
I think I'll just stick with being single
It can help but it won't necessarily get rid of it. I'm 60 and have been married for ages and I still have it. I'd say mine is very different to a lot of people here though. But I do still have terrible anxiety sometimes.

I have had a lot of disappointments in my life too - I wish I could have done more as far as career goes. I was terrible at that. But I also have a huge amount to be grateful for too - I've had a lot of good times and plan on having some more.
Yes I'm in my 60’s as well ...married for 34 years ... 2 grown kids ... and somehow managed to provide a safe, comfortable living ... nothing extravagant but nice ... my wife and kids love me and I love them ... they understand I struggle with this s**t all the time and they haven’t run completely out of patience with me yet ... for that I’m truly grateful. I’ve always had jobs, such as what I’m doing currently ... delivery driver ... minimal contact with the public and plenty of time to think . I’m on this site to hopefully find that “thing” that clicks in and ends these incessant replaying of scenarios of things that happened ... years ago
sometimes ... getting rid of the mini panic attacks ... the whole thing ... I am so tired of this daily grind there has to be a fix. I’ve tried living with it ... giving into it ... fighting it ... masking it with alcohol ( I don’t recommend this approach ... it led to a 30 year addiction ... drinking after work just to get to sleep ... drinking to stop the thought loop ... ). Anyways I traded my un-inhibitor (alcohol) for sobriety with an anxiety chaser ... but I’m going to find what I’m looking for ... I’m on a mission
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post #15 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-26-2019, 12:03 PM
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You donít experience disappointment with SA ?
I understood you to mean that you frequently disappoint other people because of your SA, and I don't feel that my experience is anything like that. of course, apart from my parents being disappointed in my child/teen self for "failing at life".

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post #16 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-26-2019, 01:18 PM
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I guess I've been fortunate, in a way, that no one has ever let me use SA to avoid attending something. If I told my parents I couldn't make a family function, my dad would come down in person and drag me to it. Had I told my last gf I couldn't show up for something, she would have dumped me. And then there's work, ofc. Despite my anxiety, I don't think I've ever missed anything important.

I have left a string of disappointments in other ways. My parents are disappointed in me. My gfs eventually left me, largely because I turned out to be such a disappointment. People I get to know often wonder why I'm not doing better than I am. Many people seem to think that because I'm "smart" I can just solve my problems if I want to. No one has any idea how broken I really am. So it's just one disappointment after another.

I am not, however, terribly disappointed in myself. I know how hard I've worked to accomplish even as much as I have. I am disappointed that no one will ever understand or appreciate my accomplishment, however.

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post #17 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-26-2019, 01:52 PM
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Yes I'm in my 60ís as well ...married for 34 years ... 2 grown kids ... and somehow managed to provide a safe, comfortable living ... nothing extravagant but nice ... my wife and kids love me and I love them ... they understand I struggle with this s**t all the time and they havenít run completely out of patience with me yet ... for that Iím truly grateful. Iíve always had jobs, such as what Iím doing currently ... delivery driver ... minimal contact with the public and plenty of time to think . Iím on this site to hopefully find that ďthingĒ that clicks in and ends these incessant replaying of scenarios of things that happened ... years ago
sometimes ... getting rid of the mini panic attacks ... the whole thing ... I am so tired of this daily grind there has to be a fix. Iíve tried living with it ... giving into it ... fighting it ... masking it with alcohol ( I donít recommend this approach ... it led to a 30 year addiction ... drinking after work just to get to sleep ... drinking to stop the thought loop ... ). Anyways I traded my un-inhibitor (alcohol) for sobriety with an anxiety chaser ... but Iím going to find what Iím looking for ... Iím on a mission
Well it's nice to have someone a bit older here - welcome to the forum. Unfortunately it's pretty quiet nowadays - nowhere near as busy as it used to be. But there's still a few of us around.

I'm going to be honest with you - I would be surprised if you find an answer to that here, or anywhere else to be frank. It's horrible that we still have to deal with all this crap at our age - the anxiety, the replaying of scenarios in our heads etc as you mentioned - but I think it's just the way it is when you have social anxiety. It doesn't go away. I still wake up worrying about everything - I try to just take things one day at a time and deal with what's in front of me. I'm not sure there's a great deal else we can do tbh with you.

I also used to drink - I added it to a pretty high dose of Xanax that I was taking every day (all day) in order to get through life. That didn't work out too well. But I managed to stop both of them eventually - took a while though, especially the Xanax. Getting off that is hard.

It sounds like you have a nice family there - I have a grown up son too. My wife and I live separately - which is fair enough considering the things I've done. I have the added luxury of bipolar disorder for my sins.
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post #18 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-30-2019, 10:01 AM
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I think I have to agree with bob ... for me , the actual ďgetting to the get togetherĒ(or whatever it may be that life throws at me that day) that is the hardest part for me. Once I get there I usually end up managing to have a decent time but lately Iíve been making small talk about SA ... and yet no matter how well I try and explain how SA affects me it always seems people still have a difficult time understanding ... which is frustrating. Anyways I believe in not giving up trying to find that ďthingĒ that might be the key to giving me the relief Iíve been looking for. As exhausting as SA can be Iím determined to finding that relief.

I relate to this so much. If I know I have an outing I begin to build up a wall prior to it and sometimes the wall becomes so large I am unable to overcome it and do not go to the outing. But as stated, I have found, that I tend to have a good time if I do manage to get there. Of course it usually takes me an initial 30 minutes to 1 hour to settle in to the event before I can become comfortable. But the getting there part really rings a bell for me.
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post #19 of 21 (permalink) Old 07-05-2019, 04:44 PM Thread Starter
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Well things really turned ugly for me yesterday ... long story short, my daughter and son-in-law were doing a baby gender reveal at his folks house. They always have a big get together with family and friends on the 4th of July so it was to be a happy time. Anyways I had the worst anxiety attacks that I have ever experienced ... I could not calm down no matter what I tried ... needless to say I ended up not being able to go. Today I am very low ... I feel terrible, I disappointed so many people ( that love me ) ... I’m so sad I’m without words ... my daughter doesn’t want to talk with me, my wife is embarrassed and upset ... and I can’t fix it .
I wanted to go, I tried ... I just wasn’t strong enough ... I know they know I have SA but I don’t think they can possibly know how powerful it can be sometimes ... i didn’t know I was that broken ... I truly hate Social Anxiety
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post #20 of 21 (permalink) Old 07-06-2019, 04:52 AM
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my daughter doesnít want to talk with me, my wife is embarrassed and upset .
your family doesn't understand you

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