Did You Fail to Pursue a Specific Dream......... - Page 5 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #81 of 97 (permalink) Old 11-24-2019, 01:00 AM
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The guy looks familiar for some reason. Maybe it was from the forum adds?

Do you ever find yourself watching people who are "successful" and feeling, in your heart, like you are at least as smart and capable? But then you think about testing your theory out and you run into a brick wall so you maybe start to believe you're fooling yourself? I've been doing that for too many years.
Hehe. Yes he is from the old forum ads. Thought I'd resurrect him. sometimes I get it into my head that I'm capable of stuff more than i really am? But it's much more borne of envy than anything. :/
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post #82 of 97 (permalink) Old 11-24-2019, 02:02 AM
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My life's a snoozefest. I don't really see how it's of interest to anyone. Any action that does exist is "all in my head". I appreciate your interest (and for everyone trying so hard to help) but I don't share my pen name with anyone.

I've pretty much ruined this thread. Sorry, guys. Just kind of what I do.
You haven't ruined the thread it's basically just on topic. Most people on this forum don't have any dreams, never pursue them or never had any in the first place, which is the only reason other people aren't contributing their own stuff.

I do think selling anything at all is good. When you go online you only hear about all the people who earn a lot in a certain field because others don't tend to bother getting involved in discussions on the topic. Which gives an unrealistic impression often how much the average person earns. But a lot of people who try to make money doing anything creative online make 0.
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post #83 of 97 (permalink) Old 11-24-2019, 02:12 AM
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I've obsessed over this as there are things I'd like to do that SA etc wouldn't get in the way of. I'm not sure if I have an underlying belief I will ultimately fail or if I think I'm a poser or, maybe, if I'm not going to apply a particular self actualization to a social setting then what is the point?

Depression, lack of sleep, ADD, and thinking too much only reinforce it.

Edit: I think many of the people I admire most (artists) tend to congregate. Even if they're somewhat isolated they seem to exist in a collaborative environment. I think I desire that kind of environment, even it's not artistic, and knowing what a long shot that is sabotages motivation.
Yes that's true, I'm not sure how much that impacts things though it seems more like similar people congregating together. Since a lot of them seem to just be people who view the world in weird ways and also have the technical ability to create something interesting from all of that without consciously trying (which seems like the most important part, has to be intuitive.)
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post #84 of 97 (permalink) Old 11-24-2019, 02:12 AM
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Anything @truant says doesn't ruin this thread .






And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow,
A poor player that strut's and fret's his hour upon the stage and is heard no more,
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
- Macbeth
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post #85 of 97 (permalink) Old 11-24-2019, 05:08 AM
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Originally Posted by truant View Post
My life's a snoozefest. I don't really see how it's of interest to anyone. Any action that does exist is "all in my head". I appreciate your interest (and for everyone trying so hard to help) but I don't share my pen name with anyone.

I've pretty much ruined this thread. Sorry, guys. Just kind of what I do.

You didn't ruin the thread no need to apologize.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - -- - -- -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - -- - - -- - -- - -- - - -- -- - -- - --
I really had bad days I felt like am alone but it was once worse. I think am making progress and finding my smile back.
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The link is audios,videos and by that Irish guy Barry McDonagh(one of my favorite Social Anxiety authors ). Sharing is caring.
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post #86 of 97 (permalink) Old 11-24-2019, 06:19 AM
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Maybe people aren't as unique as they think they are, but not everyone is equally weird, either. I'm a small minority in a small minority. That's evident from decades of talking to people online. If other people in my situation exist, they're too well hidden for me to find.

Other writers market their books by spending thousands of dollars a month on advertising. Most of them got into the ebook market when it was just getting started, made a killing because there was no competition, and then used the money to promote their new pen names.

Yeah unfortunately thats kinda how it works,spend enough on advertising you can even sell dog sh*t. Am really convinced you are being too hard on yourself about failing to write a selling book ,even if you wrote your magnum opus, without marketing ,just counting on organic sales is very difficult to find success,you will start questioning your competence when you don't find success. Try to push yourself to find a job to finance your dream,you don't have to work that long or try those getpaidto websites ,you get a few bucks from answering surveys online. hang in there


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I really had bad days I felt like am alone but it was once worse. I think am making progress and finding my smile back.
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The link is audios,videos and by that Irish guy Barry McDonagh(one of my favorite Social Anxiety authors ). Sharing is caring.
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post #87 of 97 (permalink) Old 11-24-2019, 10:20 AM Thread Starter
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My life's a snoozefest. I don't really see how it's of interest to anyone. Any action that does exist is "all in my head". I appreciate your interest (and for everyone trying so hard to help) but I don't share my pen name with anyone.

I've pretty much ruined this thread. Sorry, guys. Just kind of what I do.
This gives me an opportunity to exert my OP power. We all know the OP is the sole arbiter so I decree that, not only have your posts not ruined the thread, they have enhanced it by encouraging discussion, which is kind of the whole point. Huggsz.
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post #88 of 97 (permalink) Old 11-24-2019, 10:30 AM
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......primarily because you couldn't find a way through your psychological issues? (i.e. SA, APD, Depression etc).

I had a few. Maybe a good many. The ones that come to mind are getting a degree in Tropical Biology, becoming a recording engineer and finishing college with any degree. A bunch of others but won't bore you.
One thing I would say mate - especially with regard to getting a degree or doing any form of study nowadays - is that the online option makes things a lot easier for people like us with anxiety problems.

Sorry, but I don't think I saw the tropical biology mentioned there before - that would be an interesting one too. The recording engineer stood out for me to some extent because I remember when I was younger the types of courses available were incredibly limited. I even started doing Electrical Engineering at a TAFE college when I first left school (mostly just to try and appease my father because he was annoyed I'd left so young), but also because the sort of courses they have for things like sound engineering etc today just didn't exist back then. The options people have now are quite amazing really.

For me it always comes back to my psychological issues though - as you phrased it in this opening post. Having that constant (or even sporadic) anxiety just makes us doubt ourselves. It does for me anyway.
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post #89 of 97 (permalink) Old 11-24-2019, 10:46 AM
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Also - people go back to study at all different ages now too. Even when I was doing my degree (from about 1997-2001) there were quite few mature age students. I was one of them - although I noticed a couple of people much older than me too.
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post #90 of 97 (permalink) Old 11-24-2019, 10:59 AM
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I guess so but God is working things out in a way.

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post #91 of 97 (permalink) Old 11-24-2019, 04:57 PM
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You haven't ruined the thread it's basically just on topic. Most people on this forum don't have any dreams, never pursue them or never had any in the first place, which is the only reason other people aren't contributing their own stuff.

I do think selling anything at all is good. When you go online you only hear about all the people who earn a lot in a certain field because others don't tend to bother getting involved in discussions on the topic. Which gives an unrealistic impression often how much the average person earns. But a lot of people who try to make money doing anything creative online make 0.
People are welcome to mine. I'm not using them anymore.

And sure, there are people who have sold less. But there are few artists who have worked as hard as I have, for as long as I have, for as little as I have. The reasonable conclusion to draw from that is that there are few artists who are as bad as I am. My persistence would be freakish were it not explained by my circumstances.

-----

Thanks @blue2 , @kesker

@RedHouse I've tried other kinds of online work. I didn't qualify for most of the surveys, because most of them were related to products I've never owned because I've never been able to afford them. I'd end up wasting a bunch of time trying to find surveys I could complete. Maybe 1 in 4 would actually pay me. I was making less than $1 an hour, iirc. And most of the other work available is comparable. It's all well below minimum wage. Unless you're living in a 3rd world economy, not many people can live off it. I certainly couldn't. That's why I got into writing erotica. At the time, it was by far the most lucrative occupation online for people in my position.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
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post #92 of 97 (permalink) Old 11-24-2019, 05:13 PM
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Thats actually a really nice thread
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post #93 of 97 (permalink) Old 11-24-2019, 05:16 PM
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I've failed to pursue many dreams.

I seriously considered acting, but I didn't want to play male roles. I wanted to be a rock star, and had a chance to sing in a band, but I hate the sound of my voice. (I probably can't sing, anyway.) I would do YT videos, except I hate my appearance, too. One of my dream jobs is lecturing, but I'm obviously never going to do that. For me, the problem is just that I don't want to be seen or heard by anyone so long as I'm in this body. (Why a person with my issues would want to lecture is a complete mystery.)

I dropped out of high school partly because all the bullying had seriously messed me up. I went back and got my diploma, but then couldn't get a student loan so the only way I could have gone to university is if I'd worked full-time while I was in school. But I couldn't handle both a job and school because I have a lot of difficulty with school as it is and would have just failed all my courses. So my limitations definitely prevented me from getting a university degree, or a degree as a therapist, but how much of that was psychological and how much of that was disability I'll never know.

I also wanted to get into game design, but I couldn't do the math required for programming, and I'm not a talented enough artist to do graphics. I also wanted to write/draw graphic novels, but the art killed me there, too.

So I would say that it's about half psych issues and half functional disability or lacking the necessary gifts. I'm pretty much useless for anything, tbh.
Have you considered doing audio only youtube videos where you talk/lecture about things you like?
Like those video game critiques/book critiques videos, no matter how niche a subject is there will always be an audience if you are giving a quality product
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post #94 of 97 (permalink) Old 11-24-2019, 05:36 PM
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People are welcome to mine. I'm not using them anymore.

And sure, there are people who have sold less. But there are few artists who have worked as hard as I have, for as long as I have, for as little as I have. The reasonable conclusion to draw from that is that there are few artists who are as bad as I am. My persistence would be freakish were it not explained by my circumstances.
There are lots of writers who never made any money until after they died, so I don't think it says anything about quality just visibility/networking. Also almost everything creative that is popular is just easily consumable trash now anyway. Lots of people also eat fast food. I really like this channel but it's just a bunch of text to speech videos with really bizarre **** using other people and other people's characters, set to very poor animation which is somehow part of the humour (and they have like a million subscribers):


But I know that doesn't help in terms of money

The easiest ways to get money/attention (which often leads to money,) seems to be to just make YT videos about controversial issues as they're happening. I watched this nb/transguy go from a couple of hundred subscribers to 6000 in the last 2 months mostly because of that and got a bunch of patreon people donating now (50 atm which is $184 a month apparently) they seem relatively nice too so I'm happy for them. Obviously it helps if you're attractive and/or have a British accent (In the past I would have people repeatedly request I make more videos with me speaking when I'd only uploaded one with me speaking,) but if you're willing to really generate content that angers people you don't have to be and you could probably not even show your face just **** with people's emotions until a bunch start paying you (there are many who never do, just have some still image up while they rant and get paid.) But 9/10 the easiest way to do that is to be an ******* unfortunately who provides ragefuel to the common denominator. Which also explains the state of the internet in general.

(I don't actually have any ideas/motivation which is why this rambling paragraph exists, although it is interesting to go on patreon since that's how most people are funding themselves now that and ko-fi and see what people are paying to who and for what.)
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post #95 of 97 (permalink) Old 11-24-2019, 07:14 PM
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I never failed. The people subconsciously failed themselves to be aware of their own intentions. All I get in return is criticism about my intellect or my grammar. Every effort that I made gets derailed the same way. Which makes me think that someone is allowing these distractions to occur over and over in till I give up or get seriously provoked.

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post #96 of 97 (permalink) Old 11-24-2019, 10:06 PM
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Have you considered doing audio only youtube videos where you talk/lecture about things you like?
Like those video game critiques/book critiques videos, no matter how niche a subject is there will always be an audience if you are giving a quality product
Well, the same thing is true of ebooks: there will always be an audience if you're giving a quality product. But as my posts indicate, the problem is that I'm not capable of delivering a quality product. If I can't succeed at selling ebooks, why would I be any more successful on YT?

I have written a bunch of nonfiction articles about gaming and related subjects. I never made any money there, either, which is why I stopped writing them. If it takes me 20 hours to write the article, and I make $0.15 off it ... well, it's not sustainable.

Maybe I would try YT, except that seeing myself, or hearing my own voice, triggers my gender dysphoria and sends me into a tailspin of suicidal depression. Even if it didn't, I'm old and ugly and weird looking. I'm never going to be popular. And I have no technical skill in that direction whatsoever, nor any of the equipment I would need to make a quality program.

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There are lots of writers who never made any money until after they died, so I don't think it says anything about quality just visibility/networking. Also almost everything creative that is popular is just easily consumable trash now anyway. Lots of people also eat fast food. I really like this channel but it's just a bunch of text to speech videos with really bizarre **** using other people and other people's characters, set to very poor animation which is somehow part of the humour (and they have like a million subscribers):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlbOEcAcUSI

But I know that doesn't help in terms of money

The easiest ways to get money/attention (which often leads to money,) seems to be to just make YT videos about controversial issues as they're happening. I watched this nb/transguy go from a couple of hundred subscribers to 6000 in the last 2 months mostly because of that and got a bunch of patreon people donating now (50 atm which is $184 a month apparently) they seem relatively nice too so I'm happy for them. Obviously it helps if you're attractive and/or have a British accent (In the past I would have people repeatedly request I make more videos with me speaking when I'd only uploaded one with me speaking,) but if you're willing to really generate content that angers people you don't have to be and you could probably not even show your face just **** with people's emotions until a bunch start paying you (there are many who never do, just have some still image up while they rant and get paid.) But 9/10 the easiest way to do that is to be an ******* unfortunately who provides ragefuel to the common denominator. Which also explains the state of the internet in general.

(I don't actually have any ideas/motivation which is why this rambling paragraph exists, although it is interesting to go on patreon since that's how most people are funding themselves now that and ko-fi and see what people are paying to who and for what.)
There are authors who were not famous in their own lifetime, who became famous after their death. Kafka never published his writing, and wanted all of it burned at his death, but his friend disregarded his wishes and published it. And he is a brilliant writer. But that's a rare exception. Many of the other great artists and writers, who were not recognized during their lifetime, were supported by wealthy patrons who believed in their work. We don't hear about other talented artists, if they existed, because they never had that support and their work has been lost because it wasn't considered worth preserving. That I might, hypothetically, not be a terrible writer makes no difference to anyone, because it has no impact on anyone's experience.

In any case, I am not a great writer, nor am I trying to be (though I try to produce the best quality I'm capable of). I got into writing because I need money, and I will write absolutely anything to make money. I don't care how crass and commercial it is. You can't get any more crass and commercial than the stuff that I write. I have been trying to write "easily consumable trash" for years. The problem is that I am obviously terrible at it. The bar has been set as low as it can be set, and I still can't jump over it.

I can't realistically go the YT route, for reasons I mentioned above^. Even if I were willing to provide that kind of ragefuel, I just wouldn't be any good at it, because it doesn't come naturally to me. Even that video you linked is way beyond my own technical capabilities (though fairly entertaining, imo, tbh).

It's easy to point out weird stuff that has succeeded for one reason or another (slapping chickens, bad animation) but it doesn't actually present an objective picture of what is possible. These are the flukes. These people have struck on some winning combination accidentally. We don't see the countless equally weird experiments that fail to catch on because they don't catch on. The 99 people who tried something as stupid as slapping chickens but that nobody found amusing.

So while it may be true that "there's a market for anything", that does not mean that "there's a market for everyone". Plenty of people will try to find their own market and fail. And I happen to be one of those people. Unfortunately for me, it's a matter of life and death. I have no other job to fall back on and I don't want to do a job that I hate (I'd be as bad at it as I am at writing anyway). Maybe it sounds like I'm being precious (I'm sure that it does) but aside from satisfying work, I have no reason for being here. I can't have a family or a relationship; I have no hope of fame or wealth or glory -- the reasons other people have to keep going, to keep doing the **** jobs that they hate. The one thing that will keep me here is having a job I enjoy. Otherwise, there's no happiness for me anywhere. If I hate my job, even when I'm not working, all I'll do is sit around dreading my job (like I did the last time).

Sorry for being so negative. I do appreciate the kind sentiments.

For forty-seven years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming ... but how?
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post #97 of 97 (permalink) Old 11-24-2019, 11:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Persephone The Dread View Post
There are lots of writers who never made any money until after they died, so I don't think it says anything about quality just visibility/networking. Also almost everything creative that is popular is just easily consumable trash now anyway. Lots of people also eat fast food. I really like this channel but it's just a bunch of text to speech videos with really bizarre **** using other people and other people's characters, set to very poor animation which is somehow part of the humour (and they have like a million subscribers):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlbOEcAcUSI

But I know that doesn't help in terms of money

The easiest ways to get money/attention (which often leads to money,) seems to be to just make YT videos about controversial issues as they're happening. I watched this nb/transguy go from a couple of hundred subscribers to 6000 in the last 2 months mostly because of that and got a bunch of patreon people donating now (50 atm which is $184 a month apparently) they seem relatively nice too so I'm happy for them. Obviously it helps if you're attractive and/or have a British accent (In the past I would have people repeatedly request I make more videos with me speaking when I'd only uploaded one with me speaking,) but if you're willing to really generate content that angers people you don't have to be and you could probably not even show your face just **** with people's emotions until a bunch start paying you (there are many who never do, just have some still image up while they rant and get paid.) But 9/10 the easiest way to do that is to be an ******* unfortunately who provides ragefuel to the common denominator. Which also explains the state of the internet in general.

(I don't actually have any ideas/motivation which is why this rambling paragraph exists, although it is interesting to go on patreon since that's how most people are funding themselves now that and ko-fi and see what people are paying to who and for what.)
Interesting video. Wonder what software they're using. It actually might be the same one as this pain in the arse Aussie guy I used to watch tries to spruke on his channel. He's been making piles of videos with it for ages - he used to use his own face etc but got a lot of hate mail etc from other expats living up in Thailand. It's not actually surprising - he's very annoying.

He's pretty good at making money online though - I think he sells online courses and does affiliate marketing. He lives in the Philippines at the moment I think with a woman that's most likely just trying to work out how to separate him from his money.

There's another really annoying younger guy I used to watch that lives in Pattaya, Thailand. (basically one large brothel, although I actually haven't been there believe it or not.) He never used to show his face and started with no money living in some ****-hole in Pattaya. He would drink water with sugar in it - he was so broke.

He has a serious problem with alcohol and often does ridiculous rants. Had a lot of followers at one stage. Now he shows his face and will literally just keep the camera rolling while he sits there having a coffee - or even while he sleeps. And a couple of hundred young guys back in America watch him and wish they could go to Thailand too. It's incredible how some of these people make their money.
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