Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: on a college campus
depression, social anxiety, and derealization at the same time?
is it possible to have all three at the same time?
I have depression because i have brain numbness and i often feel sad and want to cry. I have no mood for anything. No motivation either. I do feel the optimism sometimes, but its so vague. my depression is blocking my social anxiety urges.
I have derealization because i always feel that i'm "there" but i'm not there.. i space out a lot and have a hard time feeling strong emotions. (i'm never completely happy, completely sad, completely angry. when i cry, i dont really feel that sad, only a little, but sometimes i wonder why i cry). I guess i can say i have voices in my head. but not really. because my head is numb but i always find myself repeating words in my throat (not saying them. but i feel like i am.) and i can't concentrate because i'm always spacing out. yet not completely because part of me is still feeling fear and tension and stuff inside. i'm often dizzy too. and sometimes my eyesight is not that good. I always feel too lazy to feel things.
I have social anxiety too. Had it since i was little. Can't talk to people, can't eat in public. I'm always nervous (but the feeling is vague because of the other layers) and i' always feel afraid and reluctant to do anything. But the derealization and depression has actually numbed them out.
I feel this energy inside of me. dying to come out. i'm dying to be relaxed. but this tension and this feeling of a burden is preventing me from feeling. and the thing is, i have derealization CONSTANTLY. even as i am writing, i feel like i'm not really writing this. I feel like i'm on autopilot. sort of. its my depression and my social anxiety, and the layers below it writing. but outside, ostensibly, i dont feel like im' writing this.
I feel like i have 4 layers in me.
The first layer is the true me. The real me who is my personality that is covered and dying to come out.
The second layer is my social anxiety, which is covering my personality.
The third layer is my depression.
The fourth layer is derealization. Mostly i feel this. IT's my outer shell. I never know whats going on around me because i feel it doesnt matter or something. or that is not real. i'm in a dream. yet at the same time, i'm not. I find myself starinrg at people for no reason.But then when i realize i'm staring at people, i get this feeling of reluctance of staring, but then i keep staring because i feel its not real. and when i stare, i'm not thinking anything. no thoughts. just spacing out but staring at hte same time. This "not really feeling there".. but i still have this tension inside and energy which is from my depression. and then even more energy from my social anxiety. but then the real me , i dont really feel. because its so deep inside that i dont even feel it anymore. i feel its fading.