craving what you fear
You know what I hate, craving social interaction/conversation but being too scared to actively pursue it. Almost everyone that gets to know me tells me I'm one of the funniest people they've met, so I only feel validated as a person when I'm talking to other people and making them laugh, but as we all know, the SA makes it so hard to actively pursue social interaction with others that when I am not in a school or work environment, I can't do it.
I was supposed to go to the beach with a good friend today but when I woke up, I couldn't even bring myself to text her to see if she still wanted to go with me. I talked about going places for spring break with a bunch of people over the last month, but now that it's here, i just cannot bring myself to follow up with any of them out of fear of rejection or something. I sat at home alone today, all day, sad and miserable that I couldn't be out in the sun having the fun I knew I would be having if I could just make a call. The idea of calling up one of my friends from work or school is absolutely out of the question, and even sending a text message is psychological torture for me.
I love being with people, I love conversing with others and making people laugh, and I love feeling good about myself around people who like me, but when the situation isn't right in my face, like in the small store I work at or at the university I go to, I can't do it, the fear is way too strong. If i have nothing to do on a day off, I will stay in bed all day, on the computer, watching TV, and eating. At 20 years old, this is not the way I want to be living my life. I am on the eve of my very last spring break as a college kid and already have the feeling that I am going to be laying around at home for four days straight. It sucks.
I know I'm posting this in the 'Coping' section, so I guess i wanna know how to reconcile this enormous hunger for social interaction with my severe SA.