Conversing with people feels like an act - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-28-2012, 05:58 PM Thread Starter
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Conversing with people feels like an act


I'm not sure whats real.
i can't imagine myself getting close to anyone in a meaningful way. i spend all my time trying to be polite and all, but not really getting close. getting into relationships feels like more of a bother than I'm willing to put up with.
talking, hanging out, any sort of interaction just feels like work, no matter how enjoyable the experience might seem. i feel like i will have to work hard, every time, to maintain a relationship with anyone... but on the other hand, i tend to feel annoyed with and shut out those who want a relationship with myself. things look nice until i have it, i suppose. its a confusing paradox/contradiction/whatever and i don't know what to feel.

everything feels fake, and i cant trust anyone; I've been burned for my innocence before. i assume almost all interactions have double meanings or a hidden agenda, or I'm just being lead on. i get lonely, but the feeling of humiliation is just too painful to bear.
and then I'm just some jerk for not giving anyone a chance.

so that's it. chances are nothing anyone here says will change my mind right away, but might as well start somewhere other than just therapy.
feel free to ask questions or share experiences.
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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-28-2012, 06:02 PM
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I'm exactly the same way. People get a great first impression(or they don't cause I was in a rotten mood and I didn't bother hiding it) of me because i work very hard to be polite and friendly in public, then when we're supposed to hang out I kind of drift off and push them away cause I'm not only afraid of close relationships, but like you said, they are a lot of work it seems. Maybe I'm just too selfish.
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-28-2012, 07:18 PM
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I haven't advice. I actually often feel the same way. I WANT social interaction and friends, but the effort it takes not only to make such things but to keep them is almost more than I can bear, and almost NEVER proves to be worth the hard work. Frankly I'm sick of working so hard for things that just fall through, and fall through in the most painful and humiliating ways possible. By now I realize I don't give people enough of a chance, but seriously, I'm tired of it. It's just too bad there isn't some way to tell right at the start of a friendship whether it'll be longterm or will immediately fizzle out, then I could stop wasting time on the latter and be able to put more work into the former. I'm willing to work IF there will be a decent payoff...but there's just no way to tell. After enough times getting burned, you tend to lose all motivation to try.

And yep, I've been accused of being a jerk for not giving people a chance, or, at least, not giving them a chance fast enough. (Had that happen here, as well as in other places.) If you don't open up your heart fast enough, you're cold and you're not trying hard enough; but if you open up your heart TOO fast, you're clingy and desperate and too creepy to bother with--and can get taken advantage of too easily. (I had that happen MANY times in my early years online.)

My head hurts just trying to figure this all out. ;_; I haven't exactly given up on friendship but I sure don't try that hard anymore, I admit it. I'm mostly tapped out. (I hope that's the right phrase.)

If I don't reply to you, it's NOTHING PERSONAL. It's my ANXIETY.

***

(Devetko's boyfriend Stan Brooks & Det. Reichert are horsing around.)

Det. Kristeva: "If it were legal you'd marry me, right?"
Det. Devetko: "Definitely."

(It's legal now!! But Kristeva's already married. ;_; )

***

"No canoes...no maple sugar...this place is horribly uncivilized."--Manabozho, Escape From Manitou Island
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-28-2012, 07:29 PM
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well dude, you gotta want to converse with people, if you dont want to then why would you put on a act anyways? Just do whatever it is that you really want to do.

I used to not want to talk to neone also, so i felt like i was acting when i did talk to people, but not anymore. I actually like socializing with people now, and it makes me especially feel good when i can make others laugh!
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-28-2012, 07:40 PM
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Yeah, I'd agree common conversation is an act. I usually feel like, even hanging out with someone is something on a "To Do" list that I have to check off. Like, oh, I haven't seen that person in weeks, I need to do it and get it over with. I hate this about myself, it's like I can never just enjoy the moment. I'm always looking to the future. Little chit-chat depresses me and I hate stupid exchanges like, "Hey, how are you?" "What's up?" etc. etc. I always want something more, but when I find people I honestly enjoy talking to I always seem to wear out my welcome with my excessive thoughts.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-28-2012, 08:25 PM
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i feel almost the same way. when i interact its like im really not interested in doing it and have to fake it a bit for ppl not to think im kind of a jerk. and then i hate to fake it because then im not really myself. its kind of a contradiction. in the end and deep inside i think is that i was born with very low social intelligence and alot of innocence too.
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-28-2012, 09:42 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kuhan1923 View Post
well dude, you gotta want to converse with people, if you dont want to then why would you put on a act anyways? Just do whatever it is that you really want to do.

I used to not want to talk to neone also, so i felt like i was acting when i did talk to people, but not anymore. I actually like socializing with people now, and it makes me especially feel good when i can make others laugh!
its not so easy to "just be myself" when ive been pretty much been shot down repeatedly for doing so. my situation is more like "just be whatever doesnt makes me a cruel punchline". it gets tiresome and complicated.
i dont even know what "myself" is anyway; i feel like im in between the self that i locked away from fear of being ridiculed and the people i prevent from getting close.
kinda like a weird fortress, where im in between two walls which separate my apparently "funny" castle, and a wall which separates the treacherous townsfolk. not much but a few guards in this space. not sure if i painted that image clearly enough.
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