No one has ever liked me
I am over 60 years old and I feel as though no one has ever liked me, and here is why.
As far back as I can remember my parents were emotionally abusive to me, never told me they loved me, never kissed me good night, never hugged me.
They were physically abusive hitting me with belts, hanger, shoes, twigs. They were verbally abusive calling me names, saying I wasn't worth anything. My dad molested me, and my mom never seemed to want to be around me as we never went anywhere together... shopping or doing any mother/daughter things together. They got mad at me because my paternal grandmother liked me and wanted me to spend time with her and my grandfather on weekends, as my maternal grandmother didn't want me around but always wanted my older brother there with her. My brother always picked on me and told my parents lies about me to get me into trouble. He and my dad use to tease me till I was in tears. One time I ran and hid under the stairs in a cubby in the basement and my dad nailed the door shut. When I kicked the door open and went to my room, they came in teasing me, I threw a book not hitting either of them, but toward them. My dad came over and hit me across the face and almost knocked me out. My jaw since then will lock up at times and will pop really loud.
When I started school I got beat up in kindergarten and got a bloody nose. Kids didn't want to be friends with me.
We were always moving and I was always the new kid in school in the middle of the year. Girls would gang up on me and pick fights with me.
In high school I finally made a good friend and started to become active in cheer leading. But my last year in high school my parents moved to another state, 50 miles from the nearest high school. So I could not attend dances, school events or get involved with school activities. My old friend basically dumped me because we moved away. When I went back, she had made other friends and didn't have time for me.
I met a guy my parents didn't like, and got pregnant, had to marry him. He was physically abusive and would beat me. I tried to leave him but I was told by my parents that that is the way it is and to make the best of it. He died of cancer.
I was depressed and started drinking and doing drugs. I was only 28 at the time, and only people that drank and did drugs had anything to do with me. I moved away from that to find a better life.
I met a man and married, but found out he lied and cheated not only me but other people and had put us into debt with creditors and lawyers coming after us. I divorced him and moved away.
My children: My daughter, who is almost 40, doesn't talk to me and hasn't for almost 2 years, and even my grandchildren have stopped talking to me. I send them birthday cards, money, gifts at Christmas, tried to call but never get to talk to anyone, and try to talk to them on a social media, but they never return messages.
My oldest son left when he was 18 and just in the past 4 years we have mended our relationship. He is now 36.
My younger two boys, they talk to me occasionally, but it is very strained. One lives close but never calls and only comes home from college when he needs laundry done or on semester breaks. While he is here he is constantly on the computer or texting someone oh his phone. But when I've tried to call him, after class hours, he says he doesn't have his phone with him. The other son moved far away and rarely calls me.
I don't expect a call every day or every week, but once a month from my kids would be great just to let me know they are well and doing good. I haven't been able to talk to my grand kids for several years. We have become strangers. The last time I saw them and got to spend time was over 2 years ago. One time my youngest wanted to come to visit, but her mom wouldn't let her, saying they were too busy with activities.
My husband now, of 9 years, sits silently on his computer playing games or "researching" something of interest to him. I've seen him typing, but when I walk over to see what is going on, he immediately closes the window. He has also put a password on his computer. We don't hug, or kiss at all. He is very withdrawn and unaffectionate toward me. We are more like room mates than husband and wife.
I have no friends or family that talks to me. I ALWAYS have to call them, no one will ever call me first. Sometimes I let it go for months to see if anyone would call me or send me a message on the social media or through email... no one does, then I will either call or write to them and they act all happy I contacted them. But I'm always the one contacting someone, no one ever calls or writes to me.
Sometimes I am glad I am as old as I am because I hope that I am close to dying. I feel so alone, so unloved.