Change in mentality needed! - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-11-2008, 02:49 PM Thread Starter
 
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Change in mentality needed!


Is the person you currently are, struggling with confidence, avoiding people and situations the person you want to be? Do you want to be a nobody, someone looking from outside the window into life or do you want to be someone, to live a fulfilling life, achieve dreams and goals and be someone you are proud to be?

Its so easy to get stuck in a mindset whereby you obsess and worry about your flaws, worry about how people judge you, always self conscious, always wanting to avoid attention on oneself and letting it control your life. But where does it get you? How little have you in your life right now? It makes life such a struggle, its so hard to have a good career, its so hard to meet a girlfriend/boyfriend, its so hard to have a social life, its hard to have anything to look forward to.

Life is too short to live like this, to miss so any amazing happy moments and missing out on having a fulfilling life. Do you want to live your life as a struggle until you die and for life to be a chore and waste your whole life because of this obsession, or do you want life to be like the best party you could ever go to?

So what - you have flaws! Big deal. Who hasn't? And what's a flaw anyway? You look around at people, everyone has imperfections and are not perfect. Is a flaw really even a flaw? You see people all the time, they all have flaws, do you notice them? Do others notice them? Everyone has things they would like to change in themselves if they could, but others don't believe their flaw defines them as a person. Flaws give people character and makes them unique. We all have strengths and weaknesses, we all have different qualities and attributes. There are billions of people in the world, everyone is unique, we all look different, we all sound different, we all have different levels of intelligence, we all have different tastes in music, clothes, holidays, interests, cars, comedy, what we look for in a partner. Ok some people in the past may have judged you negatively, but everyone sees different things in people. Everyone likes and dislikes different things. If we all liked the same thing we would all wear the same clothes, listen to the same music, have the same interests, drive the same car, all find the same comedies as funny. But that's not how life works, we all like different things and just because someone may not have liked you in some way doesn't mean others don't. There are billions of people in this world, its impossible to be liked by everyone!

What does being self conscious and hiding yourself achieve? It doesn't change who you are or how you look or change your personality. Where is this negative mentality going to get you? Where will you be in 10 years time? Will you ever progress in life whilst stuck in this negative mindset? Is this what you want?

I know its not a case of just switching your negative beliefs, fears, self conscious feelings off, it doesn't work like that, but this whole negative mindset must change if you are to overcome the problems of SA.

You can't be a success in anything by hiding. You will just waste your life, miss out on all the things you would have loved to have had and have done and die and be forgotten instantly.

Wouldn't you love to be fantastically confident, to handle any situation with style and class, to challenge yourself in any situation where the rewards are great?

People get too caught up in one's own insecurities and flaws, life ends up being controlled by them, whereas life should be controlled by what you want, focusing on achieving what you want and chasing goals and dreams.

Like I say, I know its not as simple as that but there comes a point where one has to make a decision to be who you want to be, focus on what you want in life rather than wasting time worrying what people think of you. No one cares. How many people did you see today - in the street, on tv, at work, in the shop? 1000 people? How many people can you remember seeing? How many people did you stop and dwell about? How many people did you focus on their flaws? Probably none? So why is it any different for anyone else when they see you?

A change in mentality is needed, you've got to get out of this bubble of being obsessed about your insecurities and flaws and what people may think of you, and have a mentality of being your real self, focusing on what you want, focusing on the tasks you face. Forget how people may see your or judge you. Who is more important - yourself and what you want in life or some person you hardly know and don't really give a monkey's toss about?

You can do it, you are unique just like everyone else in this world, live life how you want to live it and go for what you want, thats how life should be lived!
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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-11-2008, 10:54 PM
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Re: Change in mentality needed!


good stuff

Quote:
whereas life should be controlled by what you want, focusing on achieving what you want and chasing goals and dreams.
Yes.

A change in mentality is needed.Some people write off change in mentality as the "easy solution", probably because they don't realize what it means to actually change your mentality.

i dunno man...who knows...ya know??
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-11-2008, 11:03 PM
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Re: Change in mentality needed!


People on here already know this.

What they need is a solution on how to solve it. That is something that has to be dealt with on an individual basis since everyones situation is different.
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-11-2008, 11:32 PM
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Re: Change in mentality needed!


Quote:
People on here already know this.
Well, i'm not so sure.I've only really begun to realize this in the last few years, i've always "known" it somehow, but not very clearly.

And some people, also here, will aggresively deny that there is anything wrong with the way they think, as if it's some sort of insult.

i dunno man...who knows...ya know??
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-11-2008, 11:38 PM
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Re: Change in mentality needed!


Well reading past threads it seems most realize their flaws and what they do is not normal. It's just they don't know how to change the way they think or get out of their negative patterns.
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-12-2008, 07:05 AM Thread Starter
 
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Re: Change in mentality needed!


Some may disagree, but I personally believe that the answer is to desensitise the things we are self conscious about, to no longer think negatively of our flaws, to not be insecure by them.

I know my problems began after years of name calling and put downs made me self conscious about the parts I was judged negatively for. This made me hide these 'flaws' and feel so negatively of myself for these 'flaws'. So if my problems started because of being self conscious, then to reverse it would require no longer being self conscious over these things. Easier said than done when you you have been told something many many times - you get brainwashed into believing its true and there is something wrong with yourself and that is how people will judge you.

However, its too easy to get so obsessed and stuck being self conscious, you do it to protect yourself from being hurt or humiliated, you do it because you are ashamed and don't want people to see these flaws in you because you want to be judged positively and good, not in a negative way which hurts you.

But, I do believe that you need to understand how destructive and pointless this way of negative thinking/self conscious, etc is. Its not protecting yourself, its just ruining your life. Its not worth it. We all have flaws, you shouldn't be ashamed of how you are - I mean I bet people who are self conscious of their perceived flaws would be ashamed and self conscious of any flaw they had, but no one else is letting such problems control their life.

I just believe it is so important to realise this way of thinking has to be stopped, you need to realise how destructive it is in order to help stop the safety behaviours. If you can really start understanding its pointless and achieving nothing then you are far more likely to stop letting these negative beliefs control your life.

If you think 'I've got to protect myself, I can't let people see my perceived flaws, otherwise they will judge me negatively and I will be hurt', well you are just going to keep struggling and get further down the wrong road to recovery. Aiming to overcome the negative beliefs and self conscious beliefs is so important, but you have to fight the negative beliefs, self conscious fears and safety behaviours to help going further down the wrong path. And I believe that is why its important to understand 100% how destructive and terrible doing these safety behaviours is. Each time you do a safety behaviour when feeling self conscious, you are losing and going the wrong way in terms of overcoming this problem.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-12-2008, 09:21 AM
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Re: Change in mentality needed!


Quote:
Originally Posted by shyvr6
People on here already know this.
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-12-2008, 03:14 PM
 
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Re: Change in mentality needed!


Den,

Since you kindly offered some advice, as your friend, i will offer you some of mine.

I agree with much of what you say, the way you present it however needs inspection.

When a person truly learns to master their own anxiety, then, they will deeply understand how to talk to others about theirs. This understanding will help that person help others more effectively.

The intention to help others who experience similar things to ourself naturally arises from our own experience of the suffering of anxiety. This intention is marvellous, but given the vast spectrum of how anxiety affects people in varying degrees, when we put ourself in the shoes of a person who is struggling with stronger anxiety for example, the last thing they want is a lecture. The intention must follow with wisdom and experience. They've searched, they've done so much to help themself, it hurts, they can't find relief although they are trying. They may cry themself to sleep wishing they could die because they can't stop the negative thoughts that anxiety is causing.

As valiant and even wrathful, seeing things in your shoes, to help others out of their quagmire, the personal questioning approach of the post could potentially message to others in a multiplicity of different ways. Sometimes if solutions are offered without anyone asking, then, as good as the solution is, it is rejected. This happens because it feels 'forced'. There needs to be a common exploration from both sides.

Useful approaches could be sharing your own personal experience stating how you turned it around and changed your mentality after such long periods of anxiety etc instead of saying to people "You can do it, you are unique just like everyone else in this world, live life how you want to live it and go for what you want, thats how life should be lived!" - It may appear empty. It may come across as powerless instead of empowering, which is what you want others to feel. And why wouldn't you want others to feel empowered? You care, you want to help.

Aron
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 09-13-2008, 09:40 PM
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Re: Change in mentality needed!


Your post is very motivational!

One quote I always like to say is "Perfection is Boring!"

It is so true.

"The world's a roller coaster
And I am not strapped in
Maybe I should hold with care
But my hands are busy in the air"
~ Incubus
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