Been living as a shut in since 1999. - Page 4 - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #61 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-13-2011, 03:33 PM
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Agoraphobia, Hikikomori, Hermit, call it whatever you want. I've been living like this for 12 years.

I'm 30 years old and I still live with my parents. They enable me so I have absolutely no reason to try and change my life style. All I do is watch TV and play video games 24/7/365. I never get bored of my so called life.

I think I've always lived with social anxiety as a child and through my teen years, but it didn't really hit me like a ton of bricks till I was 18 years old. My parents were pressuring me to go to college. That's when the panic attacks started. So my parents backed off and said I didn't have to go to college. Then I just became a shut in and stopped going outside. I sold my car soon after and haven't done anything with my life.

I've only gone outside about 6 times in the last 12 years. I've missed family vacations (they went to Las Vegas once), I've missed funerals of family members dying (uncles, grandparents, ect). I haven't seen my only living grandmother in 12 years now.

All I do is drown myself in tv, video games, and anime.

The big problem here is. Am I happy? Yes. But am I really happy? No. But do I want to change? Nope. I know I am being a leech to my parents and they just allow me to live this way, but it sucks and I just don't know what I can do about it. I just don't want to change. I like being this way, because it's me.

I've tried talking to doctors/psychiatrist ect and they did nothing for me. I tried taking drugs for depression, and they did nothing for me. I also hate taking medications because it's a fear, along with all the other fears I have in life.

I have severe panic attacks whenever I do go outside in public. I get extremely nervous just doing anything that's outside of my comfort zone. Talking on the phone makes me nervous.

I have an extreme fear of being successful/happy. Every time I get a chance to do something good with my life, I reject it. Anytime I do something good that gets a compliment from my parents, I hate it. I hate birthdays, I hate Christmas. I hate being given presents during these times because I feel like I don't deserve anything. My parents put up with me enough as it is, why do they still insist on buying me presents. I know they are just trying to treat me as a normal person, but I just hate it.

I don't think I have ever truly been happy once in my entire life, accept for one time. That time was when I was 18, working at a grocery store. It was my last two weeks because I was quitting to supposedly go to college or something, which never happened. Anyway, this girl was really giving me an unusual amount of attention and always smiling and looking at me. I decided on my last day that I would just ask her to eat lunch with me. She accepted. We ate together and talked and stuff. I could really tell that she had a crush on me. It was the first time I really felt that a girl ever had interest in me.

Although I did have girls that liked me before when I was in jr high school and earlier high school, but I was too dense to realize it. This girl was making it clear as day for me to see that she liked me. But since it was my last day of work, It was like I planned it out subconsciously beforehand in my mind that talking to her and asking her out for lunch was great since I wouldn't be seeing her anymore anyway.

After lunch, I said my goodbyes cause my shift ended earlier, and she hugged me. That was my first hug. That was probably the only time I ever felt great about myself.

But what did I go and do next? Nothing. I never bothered to try and see her again. I basically pushed her away because I was afraid of getting into a relationship. Shortly after that is when I turned into a shut in and stopped going outside.

So that brings me to today. I'm 30, still a virgin, haven't been on a first real date, never been kissed, ect. But this really doesn't bother me too much. I think about it rarely time to time, but I like being alone. I'm very antisocial now and I just can't see myself in a relationship with anyone. Unless I can find a woman that is willing to take care of a big baby like me, then It would be best for me to just stay single for the rest of my life.

I had one friend from my childhood. He is now around my age with a wife and two kids last time I heard. I haven't talked to him in 12 years either.

One of my uncles recently tried to hook me up with a stay at home job working on a website. I couldn't even bring myself to even apply for that.

Whomever reading this. I hope you know I'm not really looking for help here. I just wanted to tell a little bit about myself and how I got here. I really could go on and on about myself even more but I've probably said enough. I just feel like Life is a pain and I hope I don't live too much longer... While I'm not currently suicidal or anything, I do think about it all the time to the point that I feel like I could do it.

When my parents can no longer take care of me, or pass away, I'll be left alone and that will be the time to take my life. I just don't see any other way out than this. I'm extremely miserable, but at the same time, I'm happy that I don't have to deal with life responsibilities and being an adult. I can just be a kid forever.
Very interesting story.

Thank you for sharing.
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post #62 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-13-2011, 04:15 PM
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You're right, I don't know what true happiness feels like. I'm living in some fake happiness realm right here. But this is the best I can get without effort. I don't know but, I think I'm afraid of success, I'm afraid of true happiness, I'm afraid of accomplishment, I'm afraid of so many things that would lead to a normal life. I'm afraid of having a normal life. I'm too scared of everything to even bother trying. I just want to stay in my bubble forever. Then when there's nobody left to take care of me, throw me in a mental hospital so I can be in a padded room to rot the rest of my life away. Or I will commit suicide like I've said before.

You're all right, I can't really be happy if I've been contemplating suicide for the last few years. But that's just my trump card once my parents are no longer around, or if they decide to kick me out someday. It's a total last resort. I believe most people that do kill themselves don't do it because they want to, they just feel that they have no other choice, a last resort. That's how I see it, and that's the way I'm living.
I get it, I can relate to much what you write. I work part-time so thats my only confrontation with the truth. Actually I must be thankfull to myself that I still go on with that, because otherwise I wouldn't see the real world anymore and totally lost contact with it just like you now do.
I think it's very logical people seek comfort and a stress-free living. Because you suffer from SA (and maybe avoidant personality disorder) it is logic that you stay in the house and shut in because that's for you the only way to get comfort.

I think U should start working to overcome some of your SA, did you seriously do something yourself about it or at least try something in the past 12 years?
I don't mean trying to get a job or go sporting. But just try to be around people more often and prove to yourself that not all your anxious thoughts are true.
Social contact is very important for everyone. It gives meaning to your life. And inspires you to do things and brings you emotions that literally set you into motion to do something.

I think you should not give up on yourself. Don't picture a future full of awful things for yourself. You can be happy, you can be just like "everybody". Yes u will want that, maybe you can't believe it right now.

U need some friend which can pull you out of the house and takes to to places. Maybe that's your first goal, find 1 friend. Or someone that can function as one.
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post #63 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-13-2011, 06:34 PM Thread Starter
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I get it, I can relate to much what you write. I work part-time so thats my only confrontation with the truth. Actually I must be thankfull to myself that I still go on with that, because otherwise I wouldn't see the real world anymore and totally lost contact with it just like you now do.
I think it's very logical people seek comfort and a stress-free living. Because you suffer from SA (and maybe avoidant personality disorder) it is logic that you stay in the house and shut in because that's for you the only way to get comfort.

I think U should start working to overcome some of your SA, did you seriously do something yourself about it or at least try something in the past 12 years?
I don't mean trying to get a job or go sporting. But just try to be around people more often and prove to yourself that not all your anxious thoughts are true.
Social contact is very important for everyone. It gives meaning to your life. And inspires you to do things and brings you emotions that literally set you into motion to do something.

I think you should not give up on yourself. Don't picture a future full of awful things for yourself. You can be happy, you can be just like "everybody". Yes u will want that, maybe you can't believe it right now.

U need some friend which can pull you out of the house and takes to to places. Maybe that's your first goal, find 1 friend. Or someone that can function as one.
I have been out in public a few times in the last 12 years. It amazes me each time I do go out, how the city grows. Literally empty fields will suddenly have completed buildings. But yeah, I have been outside. I've gone to get my eyes checked a few times, cause I was having vision problems. I had to go to the bank a few months ago because they were over charging my bank account.

Each time I have gone out in public, all I was met with was stress. The time I went to the bank, there was only a few people there so I didn't have a panic attack, but I don't really see this as a huge accomplishment. I just see it as, I didn't panic because there was only a few people there.

Last time I went to get my eyes checked a few years ago, there were a lot of people there and I did have a panic attack. I was curled up on the floor hyperventilating like crazy and my mother had to get me out of there. So now anyone of you can say, "Well why don't you just keep making visits to public places that have a few people and eventually you'll get used to it, and then you can up it by going somewhere with more people, and just keep doing that"...

I understand that this might help, It might even solve a lot of problems down the line. But my parents don't have time to be taking me places to ease me back into public. We just don't have time for that stuff. It puts too much stress on my blood pressure and the panic attacks always feel like I'm going to die (which I'm sure everyone that has panic attacks would say). I just don't care enough to put myself through these things.

Even If I could find a friend to help me, I doubt they would want to put up with me for so long. I'd have to hire a nurse or something to help me long term, and I don't have any money. I know I just talked about the bank, yes I do have some money from when I worked, but I don't want to spend that. In 12 years, I haven't bought anything for myself.
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post #64 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-13-2011, 07:54 PM
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Very interesting thread. I hope you stay with us on these forums and continue to post.
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post #65 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-13-2011, 08:08 PM Thread Starter
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Very interesting thread. I hope you stay with us on these forums and continue to post.
Yeah I was thinking of maybe keeping some kind of blog here. I've never really kept track of my life before. I imagine I could have some stuff to say every now and then. I've been talking about myself since about 2001 on other forums that were not forums like this and were just general discussion forums. It's kind of hard to talk to people that don't know what SA is and can't really understand me. I know I'm pretty messed up, even for this forum's standards.

I hope I can at least be an example of what not to become for those on this forum that might eventually become like me. Like a scared straight program.
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post #66 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-13-2011, 08:42 PM
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TCyan If you think you're "happy" now imagine how truly happy you could be if you face your fears? It sucks that the programs you were in didn't challenge you enough but you should try to challenge yourself and really get more out of life. If not the most at least more than you're getting out of it now.

Find yourself, Create yourself...just don't give up on yourself.

I believe a good life is about finding the thrill in making mistakes having relationships bloom, make friends, make enemies, handle it, go through emotions and especially have experiences outside the house... naturally we weren't meant to be stuck in 4 walls anyway

i totally understand and can relate to the comfort of being inside and not facing the world but wouldnt you like to have more memories and experiences other than the cliffhanger at 1999?
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post #67 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-13-2011, 10:36 PM
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But ever since elementary school, I was put into special classes that are for students that have trouble with their school work. I like to call it the level between the mentally challenged and the normal students. In these classes, we were extremely babied and had class work and tests that were very nerfed versions of the normal classes work.

This continued on into jr high and high school. In high school, I was exempt from all state exams and graduation exams. Half of my classes, we didn't do anything but watch movies and play with crayons all year long. I felt like I was never getting challenged at all. So through all of my high school years, I felt like I was too stupid to be in normal classes, but too smart to be in these special classes. This really screwed up my mind in a mental way that I can't really describe. I believe this is why when after I finished high school, I felt like there would be no way I could go to college. It was just a terrifying thought that I would have to be in full normal classes.

...............
It's interesting hearing about how you felt babied in special education classes. I often see this with other special ed teachers in that they make everything so easy or just do a lot of art.

I also have one aide that wants to baby the kids and feels overly sorry for them. As I have issues I don't feel this will help them. I never was in special ed though. It's interesting to hear your perspective since you are a student of special ed.

My other question is that I wonder if they correctly diagnosed you. It sounds like you have many relatives with similar issues. You also have many food sensitivities.

I work with many students on the autism spectrum. I was wondering if you might have high functioning autism. If this is your issue, knowing that you have it might help you to learn how to live with it better.

I also think you should never give up. There was some guy that was in his forties that was making changes for the first time in his life. He was in a very similar situation to you, except he working at an online part time job. Don't give up. Also if you used to be in special education you should be eligible for services for people with disabilities.
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post #68 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-13-2011, 11:02 PM
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Their is no "Correct" way to live your life. we just have our ideal standard as a society.So im not gona say what your doing is wrong. I wish you the best.
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post #69 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-13-2011, 11:22 PM Thread Starter
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It's interesting hearing about how you felt babied in special education classes. I often see this with other special ed teachers in that they make everything so easy or just do a lot of art.

I also have one aide that wants to baby the kids and feels overly sorry for them. As I have issues I don't feel this will help them. I never was in special ed though. It's interesting to hear your perspective since you are a student of special ed.

My other question is that I wonder if they correctly diagnosed you. It sounds like you have many relatives with similar issues. You also have many food sensitivities.

I work with many students on the autism spectrum. I was wondering if you might have high functioning autism. If this is your issue, knowing that you have it might help you to learn how to live with it better.

I also think you should never give up. There was some guy that was in his forties that was making changes for the first time in his life. He was in a very similar situation to you, except he working at an online part time job. Don't give up. Also if you used to be in special education you should be eligible for services for people with disabilities.
Well I wasn't really in special ed. I was in something else that is in between special ed and normal classes. It was basically normal classes, but I got far less homework and all my tests were "dumbed" down a few grade levels. So by no means was I in special education.

Basically I would attend the normal classes with everyone else, but when it was time to take a test or something like a quiz, I would be sent off to a different room with less students and there would be like 3 teachers in there that would pay extra help to each of us. Also like I said, our tests were altered to be much easier.

Like for example, a question on the test. In the normal classes, it would be a multiple choice and have like 6 choices to choose from (A,B,C,D,E,F), but in our class, that same test would only have two choices, (A,B) plus the teachers in there would basically just give us the answers because they didn't want to deal with us. I don't want to make it sound like they were improperly teaching us, but that's basically how it was. All of the students in these classes were below average students that were getting freebie help so that they could pass their classes and move on.

I just feel like I was being cheated on my education. I never got this special treatment from them because I was smart enough to blow through these altered tests because of how the multiple choices were only down to two. And like I've mentioned before, I got exempt from all state exams and the graduation exam. I was also exempt from having to take a foreign language class. All these things add up to me just feeling like crap. I didn't want all this special treatment.

I could go on and on about this too, like how my English 4 class, we didn't do anything all year long except watch movies and play with crayons. This is one of the special classes that none of the normal students would be in. There I was at 17-18 years old, not learning anything from English 4. Movies all year long, and they weren't even educational movies.

I don't know, I just have this grudge against my education, and I feel like if I had gone to college, I would have failed and wasted a bunch of my parents money. I couldn't handle that kind of responsibility.
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post #70 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-13-2011, 11:37 PM
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Well I wasn't really in special ed. I was in something else that is in between special ed and normal classes. It was basically normal classes, but I got far less homework and all my tests were "dumbed" down a few grade levels. So by no means was I in special education.

Basically I would attend the normal classes with everyone else, but when it was time to take a test or something like a quiz, I would be sent off to a different room with less students and there would be like 3 teachers in there that would pay extra help to each of us. Also like I said, our tests were altered to be much easier.

Like for example, a question on the test. In the normal classes, it would be a multiple choice and have like 6 choices to choose from (A,B,C,D,E,F), but in our class, that same test would only have two choices, (A,B) plus the teachers in there would basically just give us the answers because they didn't want to deal with us. I don't want to make it sound like they were improperly teaching us, but that's basically how it was. All of the students in these classes were below average students that were getting freebie help so that they could pass their classes and move on.

I just feel like I was being cheated on my education. I never got this special treatment from them because I was smart enough to blow through these altered tests because of how the multiple choices were only down to two. And like I've mentioned before, I got exempt from all state exams and the graduation exam. I was also exempt from having to take a foreign language class. All these things add up to me just feeling like crap. I didn't want all this special treatment.

I could go on and on about this too, like how my English 4 class, we didn't do anything all year long except watch movies and play with crayons. This is one of the special classes that none of the normal students would be in. There I was at 17-18 years old, not learning anything from English 4. Movies all year long, and they weren't even educational movies.

I don't know, I just have this grudge against my education, and I feel like if I had gone to college, I would have failed and wasted a bunch of my parents money. I couldn't handle that kind of responsibility.
It sounds like you were in the resource specialist program, which is special education. Students go to all the general education classes but get pulled out for tests. They also get many accommodations. They also may have one special class.

It is unfortunate though that many programs like these aren't run the right way. If you were exempt from state exams you had to have an IEP or at least a 504 plan. This doesn't mean you are not intelligent only that you learn differently.

I have students in my SDC class that have IQs of 120, but they have severe behavior problems and don't function in the regular class.

I have one boy who has Asperger's (on the autism spectrum) and he was having huge anxiety attacks in the regular class so he comes to my class to do his work. He also has huge issues with social skills. Over the year and with my help he has managed to make a small group of friends.

You should check out what kind of services you could get. I know at the very least you can qualify for disability services just for having a psychiatric disorder.

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience at school.
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post #71 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-14-2011, 01:59 AM
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Well, you can't blame your parents for that, you have to get out and do what you have to do, it is your responsibility to do so, no one elses!
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post #72 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-14-2011, 02:35 AM
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This is scary that I can relate to you in almost exactly every way. Except I don't have nearly as bad anxiety as you do in social situations and I can go out in public fine and do things, but I still get lots of anxiety in situational circumstances. I am also depressed which results in those bitter sweet feelings about how you're happy, but you're not. And how you want to change, but you don't. Or how you have a fear of being successful. I don't know what causes it. But I suffer closely to the same things you do. I am miserable, but at the same time happy with my life. It is strange indeed. People from the outside who don't understand always judge and it's terrible. The only difference is I am 19 and my parents made me move out with my Uncle because they believed they were enabling me (when it had nothing to do with them), and I am now under support of social assistance financially because without it, I probably would have ran out to the forest and just starved to death, which I would have preferred. But I can't exactly do that to my family who know I have a very high potential in life with high standards and very good talents in a variety of subjects. Sucks that I can't apply them. Almost like having a Bugatti Veyron but a crappy 2 cylinder 5 HP engine in the front that can only jerk the wheels forward momentarily but will never get them moving. To top it off, the only way of coping with that is to refer to Nihilism to convince myself that I am no different than let's say, a grain of sand perhaps, which is actually true. Only in a scientific sense (I suppose).
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post #73 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-14-2011, 03:23 AM
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I have been out in public a few times in the last 12 years. It amazes me each time I do go out, how the city grows. Literally empty fields will suddenly have completed buildings. But yeah, I have been outside. I've gone to get my eyes checked a few times, cause I was having vision problems. I had to go to the bank a few months ago because they were over charging my bank account.

Each time I have gone out in public, all I was met with was stress. The time I went to the bank, there was only a few people there so I didn't have a panic attack, but I don't really see this as a huge accomplishment. I just see it as, I didn't panic because there was only a few people there.

Last time I went to get my eyes checked a few years ago, there were a lot of people there and I did have a panic attack. I was curled up on the floor hyperventilating like crazy and my mother had to get me out of there. So now anyone of you can say, "Well why don't you just keep making visits to public places that have a few people and eventually you'll get used to it, and then you can up it by going somewhere with more people, and just keep doing that"...

I understand that this might help, It might even solve a lot of problems down the line. But my parents don't have time to be taking me places to ease me back into public. We just don't have time for that stuff. It puts too much stress on my blood pressure and the panic attacks always feel like I'm going to die (which I'm sure everyone that has panic attacks would say). I just don't care enough to put myself through these things.

Even If I could find a friend to help me, I doubt they would want to put up with me for so long. I'd have to hire a nurse or something to help me long term, and I don't have any money. I know I just talked about the bank, yes I do have some money from when I worked, but I don't want to spend that. In 12 years, I haven't bought anything for myself.
Your panic attacks sounds very serious. I have no experiences with them. I see why exposure don't works for you. I think exposure for a lot of people don't works if they hold on to there false ego.

Can't you get therapie for this?

Are there certain sort of thoughts before/in your panic attack? Can you see some connection like"I do this I think this then I start to hyperventilate, then I get a panic attack"?

Is it possible to get a panic attack while you're cycling a decent speed?
I think it would be a great way to exposure self to the outside world. While you still hold some "control".
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post #74 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-14-2011, 09:41 AM Thread Starter
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Your panic attacks sounds very serious. I have no experiences with them. I see why exposure don't works for you. I think exposure for a lot of people don't works if they hold on to there false ego.

Can't you get therapie for this?

Are there certain sort of thoughts before/in your panic attack? Can you see some connection like"I do this I think this then I start to hyperventilate, then I get a panic attack"?

Is it possible to get a panic attack while you're cycling a decent speed?
I think it would be a great way to exposure self to the outside world. While you still hold some "control".
I never wanted to try therapy. The doctors that wanted me to do it would talk about how they would just force me to do things that I'm in fear of. And that was back 12 years ago before my panic attacks were as strong as they are now. I can't imagine trying now.

My thought process during a panic attack? Yeah I can sometimes feel it building up just before it happens. It's far too difficult to control, so I just let it out.

Cycling? I never learned. We don't have any bicycles either.
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post #75 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-14-2011, 10:20 AM
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I never wanted to try therapy. The doctors that wanted me to do it would talk about how they would just force me to do things that I'm in fear of. And that was back 12 years ago before my panic attacks were as strong as they are now. I can't imagine trying now.

My thought process during a panic attack? Yeah I can sometimes feel it building up just before it happens. It's far too difficult to control, so I just let it out.

Cycling? I never learned. We don't have any bicycles either.
mm..Go find therapy then. It doesn't matter you didn't want it before. Even if you now don't want it. Just do it, begin things you don't want to do. The danger of being so isolated(including myself) is that you get way to much in your head. I can think all day and night about how this, how that, can't do this, because of that. Sometimes you have to step out of your own thinking and just do things. It will bring your focus/concentration on something else then your own (not working) brain.

Start experience things yourself not only think about it. Thinking about something is very different of experiencing something.
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post #76 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-14-2011, 03:58 PM
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I have read all the posts in this thread and am fascinated by your story, TCyan - and also everyone's responses. I'm in my 50s and have lived with this mess, though not to the same extent. Back in my day, I hated my parents and had to get out, managed to find a boyfriend, one bad husband, and finally a good one, had 2 kids, etc., but stumbled through over a dozen jobs, always quitting fairly soon (the longest lasted a year or so) because of my misery in having to deal with people. (I grew up very isolated with no sibs, a sociopathic mother and a stepfather who disliked me, just a ridiculous almost feral upbringing - well, sorry - I think I rambled off on that because I'm new here.)

Anyway, I do have some advice that I hope you'll consider. I'm sure your parents and brother do care about you and perhaps they could help you with a plan to qualify for SSI, which would enable you to survive after your parents can no longer support you. It's about $700 a month but you also can get food stamps (and some delivery places like Schwan's or whatever do take foodstamps or you might could find a way to force yourself out once a month to buy food?) - and you'd also qualify for Medicaid in case you needed healthcare.

Now you'd have to dig deep (as you may have done when you went to the bank?) and find the courage to find ONE doctor who'd help you qualify. However, instead of looking for a doctor to help, you could just first apply to the Social Security Administration and list your extreme social anxiety, agoraphobia, panic attacks (the major symptom of generalized anxiety order) and also please emphasize your Celiac disease and the fact that due to not being able to process/digest food properly, you're frequently exhausted and don't have the energy, just from that physical disease, to work. Use whatever tactic ends up qualifying you - and you DO have several qualifying conditions. I'm thinking the Celiac disease may be the best main diagnosis that qualifies you (and it's easy to find doctors to keep signing the renewals every year or whatever they require to remain qualified)

If you are denied, get your family to go to a lawyer to help you. They can only charge a flat amount ONCE and you don't pay them if you're denied. And THEY can handle most everything with the lawyer, meaning you'd only have to occasionally personally appear somewhere to give testimony or whatever - don't worry about that now, you might not have to do it much - and just "gut" your way through it by dissociation, reciting poetry in your head, just whatEVER to get that qualification.

I believe the Social Security people would want you to go to THEIR doctors anyway which would save you the step of trying to seek out medical help before you apply. Maybe your brother or parent(s) could go with you to the Social Security office, if need be, but you can start the application completely online or on the phone.

Due to the special nature of your problems - severe social phobia - your parent(s) and/or brother could explain to the social security person that you actually CAN'T talk on the phone or visit them -- or at least if you do, you're likely to become very ill and have an attack. Then if you must get on that phone or go to that office, you know they're forewarned of your extreme embarrassment, anxiety, fear, and likelihood of running away or fainting or curling up in the corner -- hell, it's your future LIFE we're talking about -- so just force yourself to go and whatever happens, it's ok. The end result could be decades of peaceful, contented life! It's worth a bit of battling for that, isn't it?

In my opinion, there's NOTHING wrong with being a hermit by choice. History is full of examples and it used to be a respected choice, among spiritually inclined people - or maybe just anyone who had that kind of personality. It's harder now (due to the need for so much money!) but also easier in some ways (Internet, ordering food online to be delivered - though I don't know if Amazon grocery store takes food stamps, but I know the Schwan trucks do and you could at least survive on that, but I think you could probably find a way to get some beans, rice, and dried milk - or whatever basic staples you can digest - delivered to your house through an online shop? (and if you could find a way to get your parents to leave you their house, that would help enormously)

Well, I'm rambling -- but I can tell by your posts that you are an extremely intelligent person - and from your comment about a recent successful trip to the bank - I honestly believe that you could pull this off, and just go ahead and accept your conditions and try to plan for your future past your parents' ability to cope. Oh -- and if you lived in your parent's home, perhaps your brother could bring you your groceries bought with your food-stamps? (assuming this plan works and I just feel 99% sure it WOULD if you made it your mission)

I don't know what part of the country you live in, but in the cheapest areas, you can get an efficiency or rent a trailer and pay utilities (just barely) with the SSI check - and then use foodstamps for food. Maybe you could move near your brother so you'd have someone to do the occasional essential interacting that you couldn't manage? And if you do yardwork, perhaps you could grow some of your food? Well, that gets into money - ordering seed and probably needing to interact with people at the farm co-op store, etc.

Sorry to go on, but I think it's perfectly FINE to be a hermit - it's just such a shame that your support system may disappear on you when you're still a relatively young person and then you might die due to this insidious disease, complicated by your physical ailments. I hope you find a way! Good luck.
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post #77 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-14-2011, 06:45 PM
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Jam. I didn't read all the responses, but I enjoyed the original post. I have delved way deep into the mind, it's working and such, I found this post to be pretty enteraining. I'm at a new low in life, like the bulk of that beautiful energy I was born with is dead and opportunities to use it have permenantly passed. First time experiencing numbness, not just towards people and the world, but at my singular, dire situation. Like from this point life will never be anything but a fraction of what it could have been, and I'll always know it. Chance is the determining factor....

The biggest problem of this life thing is perception, because we as people can choose what we want to believe. I don't actually know much about you or where your head's at TC, but I'll give you these 2 cents. A lot of people are simple minded and life passes them by. Some are more perceptive and keen. They often feel strong urges and thoughts that govern their bodies and their lives that they can't understand. They don't even have the capacity to explain what's wrong. But YOU. You are fairly perceptive, yet very articulate.
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post #78 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-14-2011, 07:11 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Reposada View Post
I have read all the posts in this thread and am fascinated by your story, TCyan - and also everyone's responses. I'm in my 50s and have lived with this mess, though not to the same extent. Back in my day, I hated my parents and had to get out, managed to find a boyfriend, one bad husband, and finally a good one, had 2 kids, etc., but stumbled through over a dozen jobs, always quitting fairly soon (the longest lasted a year or so) because of my misery in having to deal with people. (I grew up very isolated with no sibs, a sociopathic mother and a stepfather who disliked me, just a ridiculous almost feral upbringing - well, sorry - I think I rambled off on that because I'm new here.)

Anyway, I do have some advice that I hope you'll consider. I'm sure your parents and brother do care about you and perhaps they could help you with a plan to qualify for SSI, which would enable you to survive after your parents can no longer support you. It's about $700 a month but you also can get food stamps (and some delivery places like Schwan's or whatever do take foodstamps or you might could find a way to force yourself out once a month to buy food?) - and you'd also qualify for Medicaid in case you needed healthcare.

Now you'd have to dig deep (as you may have done when you went to the bank?) and find the courage to find ONE doctor who'd help you qualify. However, instead of looking for a doctor to help, you could just first apply to the Social Security Administration and list your extreme social anxiety, agoraphobia, panic attacks (the major symptom of generalized anxiety order) and also please emphasize your Celiac disease and the fact that due to not being able to process/digest food properly, you're frequently exhausted and don't have the energy, just from that physical disease, to work. Use whatever tactic ends up qualifying you - and you DO have several qualifying conditions. I'm thinking the Celiac disease may be the best main diagnosis that qualifies you (and it's easy to find doctors to keep signing the renewals every year or whatever they require to remain qualified)

If you are denied, get your family to go to a lawyer to help you. They can only charge a flat amount ONCE and you don't pay them if you're denied. And THEY can handle most everything with the lawyer, meaning you'd only have to occasionally personally appear somewhere to give testimony or whatever - don't worry about that now, you might not have to do it much - and just "gut" your way through it by dissociation, reciting poetry in your head, just whatEVER to get that qualification.

I believe the Social Security people would want you to go to THEIR doctors anyway which would save you the step of trying to seek out medical help before you apply. Maybe your brother or parent(s) could go with you to the Social Security office, if need be, but you can start the application completely online or on the phone.

Due to the special nature of your problems - severe social phobia - your parent(s) and/or brother could explain to the social security person that you actually CAN'T talk on the phone or visit them -- or at least if you do, you're likely to become very ill and have an attack. Then if you must get on that phone or go to that office, you know they're forewarned of your extreme embarrassment, anxiety, fear, and likelihood of running away or fainting or curling up in the corner -- hell, it's your future LIFE we're talking about -- so just force yourself to go and whatever happens, it's ok. The end result could be decades of peaceful, contented life! It's worth a bit of battling for that, isn't it?

In my opinion, there's NOTHING wrong with being a hermit by choice. History is full of examples and it used to be a respected choice, among spiritually inclined people - or maybe just anyone who had that kind of personality. It's harder now (due to the need for so much money!) but also easier in some ways (Internet, ordering food online to be delivered - though I don't know if Amazon grocery store takes food stamps, but I know the Schwan trucks do and you could at least survive on that, but I think you could probably find a way to get some beans, rice, and dried milk - or whatever basic staples you can digest - delivered to your house through an online shop? (and if you could find a way to get your parents to leave you their house, that would help enormously)

Well, I'm rambling -- but I can tell by your posts that you are an extremely intelligent person - and from your comment about a recent successful trip to the bank - I honestly believe that you could pull this off, and just go ahead and accept your conditions and try to plan for your future past your parents' ability to cope. Oh -- and if you lived in your parent's home, perhaps your brother could bring you your groceries bought with your food-stamps? (assuming this plan works and I just feel 99% sure it WOULD if you made it your mission)

I don't know what part of the country you live in, but in the cheapest areas, you can get an efficiency or rent a trailer and pay utilities (just barely) with the SSI check - and then use foodstamps for food. Maybe you could move near your brother so you'd have someone to do the occasional essential interacting that you couldn't manage? And if you do yardwork, perhaps you could grow some of your food? Well, that gets into money - ordering seed and probably needing to interact with people at the farm co-op store, etc.

Sorry to go on, but I think it's perfectly FINE to be a hermit - it's just such a shame that your support system may disappear on you when you're still a relatively young person and then you might die due to this insidious disease, complicated by your physical ailments. I hope you find a way! Good luck.
I appreciate your time in writing this post. This does look very promising.

But the problem is, I've never actually been diagnosed with whatever I have that causes these panic attacks. I've only been diagnosed with depression and SAD. The panic attacks came up after I quit going to the doctors.

Also, the celiac disease, I've never been officially diagnosed with celiac disease either. I only recently (about summer of 09) changed my diet to a gluten free diet. The reason I changed my diet was because I have had stomach problems all of my life and we never really could figure out why. I think even trips to the doctor as a kid, they never could figure out out either, they would just say I'm not digesting food properly or whatever, it's been forever ago.

Anyway, around the summer of 09, I started having even more problems with my stomach and was having cramping all the time. My uncle right around that time was officially diagnosed with celiac disease and so my mother just figured maybe it was possible that I had the same thing. So I agreed to change my diet to gluten free. It's been about two years now on this diet and I have to admit, my stomach problems have mostly gone away. Apparently it takes several years for your stomach to heal itself.

But I don't know if it's actually celiac or if it was just the change in diet that helped me. We've thought about getting a test done for celiac but I either have to go to the doctor and have a tube shoved down my throat into my stomach, or we have to pay like $200 to mail in a saliva test. I sure don't want to go to the doctors obviously, and I just feel like spending $200 is a waste of money.

But I guess if I have to get tested in order to apply for SSI, then we might have to think about it. I'm just afraid if it turns out I don't have celiac, then that's going to be one less thing I can use to get SSI.

I've read on other forums about agoraphobics getting SSI, but they always lose it after a few months because they have to reapply or something, and it get denied. I don't know what this means, but I don't like the idea of it.

I never talk to my parents about all this what I call "adult" stuff. So they could be doing things behind my back in order to help secure my future, at least leave the home to me and things like that. But I don't think we're getting government money for my "disability".

Also, I'm extremely afraid If I were to go talk to the social security people, what If it's a nice quiet room with only one guy, and I don't have any panic attacks? I can be completely calm in some situations. It really just comes at random. They would have to put me in a room full of people and make me panic in order to confirm I really do have this thing. It's all just a little too unreliable to me though. I can't guarantee I'll have a panic attack in a room full of people either.

I feel like I'd have to go through an entire body exam so they could see if my thyroid is messed up, if I have any problems with my brain, ect, ect.

This is why I just avoid life all together. I don't want to deal with any of this. Even if I was magically cured from panic attacks right now, I'd still want to avoid public situations.

It's stressful even thinking about doing this, and I haven't even decided anything yet.
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post #79 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-14-2011, 09:28 PM
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I am age 36 and reaching this stage myself. I have be un or underemployed for the past 2 years and just lost another temp job after two days after I started because the temp agency pulled my credit report and saw all of the credit cards that have been chargedoff. How does someone get ahead or associate with anyone in society when unemployed or underemployed people are seen as losers & tards??

I have no friends, literally no one other than my father that I can talk to and have zero job prospects. Oh, I have a BA in Accounting & MS in Finance. Both are worthless because of my bad employment background.

Don't get to your mid 30's or worse because then you will find your options are very very limited.

Oh I would love to 'get out of this state' and get some help but no one accepts anyone on the states (Massachusetts) health insurance program and therapists & psychologists charge $500 per session at least

Myself, I have an inheritance plus savings of almost $300,000 but I feel like I will be in this same place in four years at the rate I am going
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post #80 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-14-2011, 09:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Nick9075 View Post
I am age 36 and reaching this stage myself. I have be un or underemployed for the past 2 years and just lost another temp job after two days after I started because the temp agency pulled my credit report and saw all of the credit cards that have been chargedoff. How does someone get ahead or associate with anyone in society when unemployed or underemployed people are seen as losers & tards??

I have no friends, literally no one other than my father that I can talk to and have zero job prospects. Oh, I have a BA in Accounting & MS in Finance. Both are worthless because of my bad employment background.

Don't get to your mid 30's or worse because then you will find your options are very very limited.

Myself, I have an inheritance plus savings of almost $300,000 but I feel like I will be in this same place in four years at the rate I am going
Not trying to compare battle-scars but what the hell...I know where you're coming from. I was there. And with a less job-oriented degree (B.Sc.). I also had a greater debt (student loans and credit cards of ~$100,000) and creditors were hounding me. I had 0-1 friend as I basically hung around my parents and the library. No girlfriend, either. It didn't bother me except for all the constant criticism from others. As weird as it sounds, I actually had a great time doing stuff on my own (e.g. reading, cycling, training) except for the criticism part and the lack of sex/companionship.

I also didn't have any inheritance or assets. If I had $300,000 at that time, I would have been ecstatic. I managed to turn it around (societal-speaking) in my late 30s. Somewhat due to medication but mostly due to luck (meeting 1 person who helped/guided me). I don't know how common this is but weird/unexpected things do happen. I still messed up more recently but I'm in pretty good shape (e.g. financially).
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