I'm going to add some more to what I should have typed in the opening post. I might just continue to add on to this topic over time like a journal.
I was pretty anti-social and strayed away from people when I was in my teen years. I did take Karate for a little while (and quit soon after) and I joined the school band in jr high. In highschool, I joined the marching band. So on the outside, I probably seemed like your average student.
But ever since elementary school, I was put into special classes that are for students that have trouble with their school work. I like to call it the level between the mentally challenged and the normal students. In these classes, we were extremely babied and had class work and tests that were very nerfed versions of the normal classes work.
This continued on into jr high and high school. In high school, I was exempt from all state exams and graduation exams. Half of my classes, we didn't do anything but watch movies and play with crayons all year long. I felt like I was never getting challenged at all. So through all of my high school years, I felt like I was too stupid to be in normal classes, but too smart to be in these special classes. This really screwed up my mind in a mental way that I can't really describe. I believe this is why when after I finished high school, I felt like there would be no way I could go to college. It was just a terrifying thought that I would have to be in full normal classes.
And that's only part of the reason. I also didn't want to leave home to go live in a dorm or whatever. Hell I never even thought about WHICH college I wanted to go to. I never even thought about what I want to study and what I wanted to do for a living.
This eventually led to me quitting my job and becoming a shut in. The straw that broke the camels back so to speak happened when I went to a psychiatrist and he diagnosed me with social anxiety disorder. I was left home alone that night and I felt like the world was ending around me. All I felt was impending doom. I wanted to kill myself so much. I ended up punching walls all around our house hard enough to bloody up my knuckles and leave blood marks everywhere on the walls.
This lead to me being under suicide watch for a few days. And of course after trying anti-depression pills for a few months and seeing other doctors, nothing changed, in fact I just got worse. So that's basically how I just became a shut in. I also had a severe panic attack right in front of my parents one day when they were talking about me going to college. After that, they stopped pushing me. I'm sure I scared them.
Anyway, back to my school years.
I remember having at least 3 girls in my life that seemed to be interested in me.
One girl lived a few houses down from me. She was a few years younger than me and we both went to the same jr high school at one point (about 6th grade?). She used to smile and look at me a lot but nothing ever really happened between us. I was far too anti-social to say hi to her. But one day she and her friend came over to my house one day when I happened to be out in the front yard. They tried to scare me with a cricket by throwing it at me. I didn't even flinch even though I'm extremely scared of bugs, especially of the cricket/cockroach types. They looked a little bummed out that they didn't scare me. Nothing much happened after that, they just went back home.
In 7th or 8th grade, another girl was interested in me. I found a note in my locker, that was all coded. She also left me a translator note to translate her message. She basically said she liked me and told me not to tell anyone about this, it was signed Anonymous so I didn't know who it was. But this kind of information was too hard to keep secret. I ended up telling a friend in the hallway between classes and she just so happened to be standing right behind me. At this point I knew who it was, but she left me another note saying she didn't like me anymore. Oh well, blew that one. I did get to talk to her one day after school but I was too nervous to say that I knew who she was and she didn't mention the letters either. Nothing happened yet again. In high school, I occasionally saw her, but she turned into a Gothic girl and looked like she was no longer my type. Not to say that I was going to try and ask her out or anything, I wasn't. I'm pretty sure she was too ashamed to date someone like me openly during jr high. She probably liked me, but thought I was too nerdy looking to be a boyfriend for her. She probably had her social status too high for me. That would explain why she only wanted to talk to me through secret coded messages.
Then the girl I met while working when I was 17-18 years old. I was working at a grocery store as a cashier, was a bagger before that. About a few weeks before I quit, was when I noticed this girl always looking at me and smiling and stuff. She would give me a lot of attention for someone I never talked to. I never talked to anyone I didn't need to, but I noticed her a lot.
On my final day was when I decided to ask her out to lunch. I figured if she turned me down, no big deal, I'm out of there anyway. If she did accept, I could just go on a test run and see what it's like to be on a mock date. Sure enough she did accept. I was nervous as hell asking her and she seemed pretty nervous too. If I had to guess now, I would say she probably had a little bit of SA as well. We went over to a fast food place near by within walking distance. I was pretty nervous about ordering food because at this point in my life, I haven't really done that much at all. Plus I had to order though a speaker. It was one of those dine outside fast food places.
Anyway, I noticed right away that she was really nervous too and I don't think she ever ordered anything for herself either. So I had to do the ordering for the both of us. What kind of sucked was I was wearing braces at the time so I didn't want to order something like a burger. I would have gotten food stuck in my braces. So since I just ordered some fries, she also only wanted something light.
Anyway we talked a little. I mentioned that I "wanted" to go to a tech school or something, although in the back of my mind, I really didn't. She said she wanted to go to college or something too. I don't really remember too much, but we ate together and talked together. This was the very first time in my life that I have ever done anything like this with a girl. And If I had to guess, this was the first time for her too.
It's weird to say, but while I was with her, I felt like a totally different person. I was still nervous as hell around her, but at the same time, I did stuff I never would have. I felt like I could accomplish anything. I had confidence in myself. I felt like I had to take care of her because she was the one feeling anxious and nervous. It was a really great feeling. Like I said, this was probably the only time in my life where I felt truly happy.
But then we said our goodbyes and she hugged me. I think in her hug she was desperately hopping I would ask her for her number or something, but I didn't. I just couldn't bring myself to do such a thing. Even after all the great feelings of confidence I had, I still felt this impending doom feeling that I needed to stay away from. I was far too scared of stepping into my first relationship.
We never saw each other again after that.
That I feel was my one and only shot at possibly having a normal life. If I had started a relationship with her, I might have been able to drive myself into wanting to be a better person for her, by going to college and getting another job and actually living.
I tend to think about it a lot. How my life would be different if I had only taken that other road.
The reason I was quitting that job was I wasn't getting paid the right amount of money for one, and thanksgiving vacation was coming up and we (my family) were going to see my family (grandparents, ect) and I wouldn't have been able to get the time off. Kind of sucks now that I think about it. If I had just stayed working at that store, I wonder if I would have just kept at it all these years or not. For some reason, I quit that job, and just could not for the life of me find another job. I was far too deep into my depression and anxiety to look for another job. I also hated driving so much, it's one of my highest fears.