Been living as a shut in since 1999. - Page 2 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #21 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-12-2011, 12:11 AM
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hey that was a great read
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post #22 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-12-2011, 02:31 AM
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I could have ended up that way if my family allowed it. I still like to get outside though, and do solitary things. The "grown-up" life is pretty horrible I have to admit. I feel like a slave, and dream of just going hermit for a year or so... basically until my savings run out.

It's like I'm not messed-up enough to be a complete recluse, yet I'm not social enough to fit in with society. I don't even agree with the program either which makes it harder.

Ah well dude... not going to pass judgement or offer advice really. I guess I just wish you the best, and hope that you find your footing when your folks pass.
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post #23 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-12-2011, 02:40 AM
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Agoraphobia, Hikikomori, Hermit, call it whatever you want. I've been living like this for 12 years.

I'm 30 years old and I still live with my parents. They enable me so I have absolutely no reason to try and change my life style. All I do is watch TV and play video games 24/7/365. I never get bored of my so called life.

I think I've always lived with social anxiety as a child and through my teen years, but it didn't really hit me like a ton of bricks till I was 18 years old. My parents were pressuring me to go to college. That's when the panic attacks started. So my parents backed off and said I didn't have to go to college. Then I just became a shut in and stopped going outside. I sold my car soon after and haven't done anything with my life.

I've only gone outside about 6 times in the last 12 years. I've missed family vacations (they went to Las Vegas once), I've missed funerals of family members dying (uncles, grandparents, ect). I haven't seen my only living grandmother in 12 years now.

All I do is drown myself in tv, video games, and anime.

The big problem here is. Am I happy? Yes. But am I really happy? No. But do I want to change? Nope. I know I am being a leech to my parents and they just allow me to live this way, but it sucks and I just don't know what I can do about it. I just don't want to change. I like being this way, because it's me.

I've tried talking to doctors/psychiatrist ect and they did nothing for me. I tried taking drugs for depression, and they did nothing for me. I also hate taking medications because it's a fear, along with all the other fears I have in life.

I have severe panic attacks whenever I do go outside in public. I get extremely nervous just doing anything that's outside of my comfort zone. Talking on the phone makes me nervous.

I have an extreme fear of being successful/happy. Every time I get a chance to do something good with my life, I reject it. Anytime I do something good that gets a compliment from my parents, I hate it. I hate birthdays, I hate Christmas. I hate being given presents during these times because I feel like I don't deserve anything. My parents put up with me enough as it is, why do they still insist on buying me presents. I know they are just trying to treat me as a normal person, but I just hate it.

I don't think I have ever truly been happy once in my entire life, accept for one time. That time was when I was 18, working at a grocery store. It was my last two weeks because I was quitting to supposedly go to college or something, which never happened. Anyway, this girl was really giving me an unusual amount of attention and always smiling and looking at me. I decided on my last day that I would just ask her to eat lunch with me. She accepted. We ate together and talked and stuff. I could really tell that she had a crush on me. It was the first time I really felt that a girl ever had interest in me.

Although I did have girls that liked me before when I was in jr high school and earlier high school, but I was too dense to realize it. This girl was making it clear as day for me to see that she liked me. But since it was my last day of work, It was like I planned it out subconsciously beforehand in my mind that talking to her and asking her out for lunch was great since I wouldn't be seeing her anymore anyway.

After lunch, I said my goodbyes cause my shift ended earlier, and she hugged me. That was my first hug. That was probably the only time I ever felt great about myself.

But what did I go and do next? Nothing. I never bothered to try and see her again. I basically pushed her away because I was afraid of getting into a relationship. Shortly after that is when I turned into a shut in and stopped going outside.

So that brings me to today. I'm 30, still a virgin, haven't been on a first real date, never been kissed, ect. But this really doesn't bother me too much. I think about it rarely time to time, but I like being alone. I'm very antisocial now and I just can't see myself in a relationship with anyone. Unless I can find a woman that is willing to take care of a big baby like me, then It would be best for me to just stay single for the rest of my life.

I had one friend from my childhood. He is now around my age with a wife and two kids last time I heard. I haven't talked to him in 12 years either.

One of my uncles recently tried to hook me up with a stay at home job working on a website. I couldn't even bring myself to even apply for that.

Whomever reading this. I hope you know I'm not really looking for help here. I just wanted to tell a little bit about myself and how I got here. I really could go on and on about myself even more but I've probably said enough. I just feel like Life is a pain and I hope I don't live too much longer... While I'm not currently suicidal or anything, I do think about it all the time to the point that I feel like I could do it.

When my parents can no longer take care of me, or pass away, I'll be left alone and that will be the time to take my life. I just don't see any other way out than this. I'm extremely miserable, but at the same time, I'm happy that I don't have to deal with life responsibilities and being an adult. I can just be a kid forever.
I don't understand how you can say you are happy and don't want to change and then in the next sentence say "Life is a pain and I hope I don't live much longer." I don't think happy people think life is a pain.
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post #24 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-12-2011, 03:00 AM
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Don't you miss doing non-social stuff, like seeing nature, the ocean, cycling, etc. There's people who isolate themselves from other people but live in really nice natural landscape and grow their own plants, animals, etc. One of my cousins did this for years. He didn't have SAD but just got fed up with civilization and moved in a place which was very isolated in the mountains.
Something like this was going to be my suggestion also. To try to get 'lost' in the outdoors, maybe go on a roadtrip or camping trip for a longer time than normal. Get away from your life as it is for a while. I think this will help get a new perspective which is what is missing

Take care bud
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post #25 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-12-2011, 03:23 AM
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Hi

I can relate to much what you say. I am almost 25 now and I lives like you for the past 4/5 years. I know its not 12 years. But after I quit school I just did almost nothing. I also drown myself in internet. It like a non stop tranquillizer for me. It keeps me away from my own feelings away from reality. I think its very easy to get stuck in this "lifestyle". I know that if I don't change anything in my life I can make it also a period of 12 years.
And also I know if I don't change I would end up dead our homeless. Still I don't do anything about it. I think it's because depression. What you (and I ) experience as the "outside world" is not the real world. You don't have to experience it like that. What you now see as the outside world is not a realistic view.

You also say you don't want social contact etc. But I think you are so much detached from what real life can be for you that you don't even know what you can experience "out there". Of course you can get a panic attack if you would now go outside living etc. Because you are so in-experienced in it.

I think you must quit all addictions, and all things that you use to run away from reality. Stop internet/tv/video games/junkfood(sugar). Just sit down, be around your parents and don't go to your room before youre actually going to sleep.

Eventually talk to your parents a bit. May be they have a good idea what you can do. Take a easy job. It doesn't have to be full time. I know you don't like the job, I know you can't anjoy it. But you have to realize you can't get instant results with getting this. Slowly you have to do everything to get closer to people, to get real social connections. When you can make it to this point you dont even think about going back to youre old life.

I am actually thinking about going on vacation all by myself. Because I now realize recently I have to break this habit of "non living".

You are 30. You can still do anything you want to do. You can have friends/girlfriend/work. You can marry. But don't wait for it.

I know I don't have real good advice for you, but you must tell yourself that there's much more in life then you now can think of.
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post #26 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-12-2011, 04:02 AM
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You said that you don't want to change but are you really sure? Perhaps your subconscious part of your brain is longing for change.
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post #27 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-12-2011, 07:25 AM Thread Starter
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Forgot to mention, I have celiac disease and I'm very limited to what kind of foods I can eat. I'm also hovering around 105-115lbs, always changing. I'm 5'9" tall and pretty darn close to anorexia. This is also hard on me because I feel like I never have any energy to even try to do something simple like exercise on our treadmill. I eat three, sometimes four healthy meals a day, but I can't gain weight. I'm sure it's something I could probably go to the doctor to check on, but I just don't want to go.

And about the whole "I can find someone someday and get married" that some of you have suggested. I don't think I really want to. The very last thing I want is to have a kid that is as screwed up as me. This is another reason why I want to just stay single/virgin. I don't trust birth control either. I can't trust people (I can't even trust my own family) so I doubt I can trust a girlfriend/wife. It's just another thing for me to avoid all together. People that are as screwed up as me shouldn't be reproducing.

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You said that you don't want to change but are you really sure? Perhaps your subconscious part of your brain is longing for change.
Well sure, if there was such thing as magic and I could be cured by the wave of a hand, then sure I'd do it. But other than that, no. I like living like this. It's not going to last forever I know, but what else can I do? I've been a shut in for so long now that It's too hard to socialize in public without having panic attacks. My panic attacks are like full blown uncontrollable seizures.
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post #28 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-12-2011, 10:40 AM
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Forgot to mention, I have celiac disease and I'm very limited to what kind of foods I can eat. I'm also hovering around 105-115lbs, always changing. I'm 5'9" tall and pretty darn close to anorexia. This is also hard on me because I feel like I never have any energy to even try to do something simple like exercise on our treadmill. I eat three, sometimes four healthy meals a day, but I can't gain weight. I'm sure it's something I could probably go to the doctor to check on, but I just don't want to go.

And about the whole "I can find someone someday and get married" that some of you have suggested. I don't think I really want to. The very last thing I want is to have a kid that is as screwed up as me. This is another reason why I want to just stay single/virgin. I don't trust birth control either. I can't trust people (I can't even trust my own family) so I doubt I can trust a girlfriend/wife. It's just another thing for me to avoid all together. People that are as screwed up as me shouldn't be reproducing.



Well sure, if there was such thing as magic and I could be cured by the wave of a hand, then sure I'd do it. But other than that, no. I like living like this. It's not going to last forever I know, but what else can I do? I've been a shut in for so long now that It's too hard to socialize in public without having panic attacks. My panic attacks are like full blown uncontrollable seizures.
Your still at the "teenage level". If you ask a male teenager he would probely also say he doesn't want kids and dont want to marry. Of course you don't want you are far to in experienced.

I can relate to all what you say, but I know its all wrong thinking. Its all because you're depressed. You are far to long in this state of mind. I think I can't and maybe nobody can proove that youre totally wrong. Because you're un reachable . Find the truth yourself. You can still become "normal".
Set a goal for yourself. I think going on a vacation is the easiest and the most realistic thing you can do for yourself. Go all alone. Go for a "beach trip".
You have to set a goal for everyday like. Go on vacation, go to the beach everyday, after that eating out, go to a bar, go to sleep. And then repeat.

It just costs you 7 days of your life. You can always decide to go back and never come out of the house again if you prefer.

Going to a strange place, meeting people you are never going to meet again. Can be a oppertunity to train yourself socially and become more at ease.

What you also can do is tell your problems to as many people you know, family, old friends? They have a far more realistic view of the world then you now have. Maybe they can proove you wrong.

Nothing is easy, but you have to create trust that it will become easy in time.
the idea of going on vacation had a big impact on me. It didn't lasts so I felt back into my old life style as soon as I was home. But the impact was do dramatic. I found a person inside of me I never had seen before.
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post #29 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-12-2011, 12:25 PM Thread Starter
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Going on a vacation alone is far to extreme for someone in my situation.

I've also never had any alcohol in my life, so going to bars is pretty much out of the question. Sure I could just drink water, but the main thing is being in such a social environment would force me into panic attacks easily.

And like I said, I have celiac disease so I can't eat out at restaurants without being extremely careful of what I eat, but there's always contamination to worry about too, so it's best I don't eat out at restaurants.

I don't have any money either so I can't just up and go on vacation for a week. I've never done any traveling in my life and I get motion sickness very easily (from when I used to travel with my family when I was in my child/teen years)

Yeah I could go on and on and on throwing excuses at you all why I can't do anything. But this stuff is real, and I don't want to fight it. Panic attacks are extremely debilitating for me. They cause me to hyperventilate to the point I just pass out from too much oxygen intake.

I don't know what else to say, other than I hope nobody else ends up like me, cause I'm definitely a lost cause.
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post #30 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-12-2011, 01:00 PM
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I guess the best advice I can give you for now is: try to leave the house more often, even if you don't interact with people (honestly I would even advice against interacting with people, too much risk of them doing something that would make you lock yourself home again)

To give you my personal example, for the last 3 years (almost 4) I've kept my social interaction to a minimum, I can spend one month without getting outside the house, but every now and then I do make an effort to get out and spend a bit of time outside (I do prefer some place in the middle of nature without any house nearby, but if I can't do that, a walk on quiet streets around town is also good, as long as I avoid people I'm fine)
But don't think I'm much of a positive thinker, I do feel like a leech, sucking on my parents money and life, yet just the thought of getting a job (not the job itself, the stupid, unnecessary social interaction that has nothing to do with the job) makes me want to sit in a corner and look at a wall (real men don't cry, right?).
I always think that if I won the lottery (i.e. large amount of money, enough to live the rest of my life without a job), I would live pretty much the same way, if not worse, except I would move out of my parents house, just moving out for me would be a "once in a lifetime achievement".

But things can only be done if you are willing to do them, you did say you don't want to change and that's quite a barrier to overcome. I wish you good luck!
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post #31 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-12-2011, 01:19 PM Thread Starter
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I always think that if I won the lottery (i.e. large amount of money, enough to live the rest of my life without a job), I would live pretty much the same way, if not worse, except I would move out of my parents house, just moving out for me would be a "once in a lifetime achievement".
Oh yeah that would be great. I'd move out and just live in solitary in my own house. I'd just have groceries delivered to me and be in complete isolation. Would be amazing.

Going outside isn't that big of deal for me. I know agoraphobic people tend to not be able to even step outside, but I can go outside just fine. It's being around people that turns me into a panic attack mess, which describes me more as a Hikikomori instead. It's something I just can't fight. Seeing people in person near me just freaks me out. I'm allergic to people. My parents and little brother are the only ones I can be near. Aunts/Uncles/Cousins, nope, can't stand being near them.
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post #32 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-12-2011, 01:59 PM
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Seeing people in person near me just freaks me out. I'm allergic to people. My parents and little brother are the only ones I can be near. Aunts/Uncles/Cousins, nope, can't stand being near them.
I think to a large extent I could live/prefer to live with little social interaction except for the internet, 1-2 close friends/girl friend/spouse, parents and I would be fine/happy with that. And I'm not anxious around most people. I'm just severely introverted. But if I couldn't be outside to look at lanscape, mountains, oceans, caves, nature, the sun, the stars, animals, etc. I would be severely depressed. Maybe you could try to slowly learn/enjoy to do stuff like that in your backyard (landscaping, etc.) and slowly build up related interests and you may find that you will get pleasure from it. It will make life less boring, I think? People are not necessary for hapiness. I do some lanscaping in my house and even exercise in my backyard. If I was rich I'd probably get a big gym in my backyard. That would be cool.

Edit: Forgot to mention. I hate all jobs also but when I do similar tasks of those jobs for my own, I enjoy them. It's kind of like sex. If I was paid to do it, I'd hate having sex. It would become a total monotous chore.
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post #33 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-12-2011, 03:28 PM Thread Starter
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I'm going to add some more to what I should have typed in the opening post. I might just continue to add on to this topic over time like a journal.

---------------

I was pretty anti-social and strayed away from people when I was in my teen years. I did take Karate for a little while (and quit soon after) and I joined the school band in jr high. In highschool, I joined the marching band. So on the outside, I probably seemed like your average student.

But ever since elementary school, I was put into special classes that are for students that have trouble with their school work. I like to call it the level between the mentally challenged and the normal students. In these classes, we were extremely babied and had class work and tests that were very nerfed versions of the normal classes work.

This continued on into jr high and high school. In high school, I was exempt from all state exams and graduation exams. Half of my classes, we didn't do anything but watch movies and play with crayons all year long. I felt like I was never getting challenged at all. So through all of my high school years, I felt like I was too stupid to be in normal classes, but too smart to be in these special classes. This really screwed up my mind in a mental way that I can't really describe. I believe this is why when after I finished high school, I felt like there would be no way I could go to college. It was just a terrifying thought that I would have to be in full normal classes.

And that's only part of the reason. I also didn't want to leave home to go live in a dorm or whatever. Hell I never even thought about WHICH college I wanted to go to. I never even thought about what I want to study and what I wanted to do for a living.

This eventually led to me quitting my job and becoming a shut in. The straw that broke the camels back so to speak happened when I went to a psychiatrist and he diagnosed me with social anxiety disorder. I was left home alone that night and I felt like the world was ending around me. All I felt was impending doom. I wanted to kill myself so much. I ended up punching walls all around our house hard enough to bloody up my knuckles and leave blood marks everywhere on the walls.

This lead to me being under suicide watch for a few days. And of course after trying anti-depression pills for a few months and seeing other doctors, nothing changed, in fact I just got worse. So that's basically how I just became a shut in. I also had a severe panic attack right in front of my parents one day when they were talking about me going to college. After that, they stopped pushing me. I'm sure I scared them.

Anyway, back to my school years.

I remember having at least 3 girls in my life that seemed to be interested in me.

One girl lived a few houses down from me. She was a few years younger than me and we both went to the same jr high school at one point (about 6th grade?). She used to smile and look at me a lot but nothing ever really happened between us. I was far too anti-social to say hi to her. But one day she and her friend came over to my house one day when I happened to be out in the front yard. They tried to scare me with a cricket by throwing it at me. I didn't even flinch even though I'm extremely scared of bugs, especially of the cricket/cockroach types. They looked a little bummed out that they didn't scare me. Nothing much happened after that, they just went back home.

In 7th or 8th grade, another girl was interested in me. I found a note in my locker, that was all coded. She also left me a translator note to translate her message. She basically said she liked me and told me not to tell anyone about this, it was signed Anonymous so I didn't know who it was. But this kind of information was too hard to keep secret. I ended up telling a friend in the hallway between classes and she just so happened to be standing right behind me. At this point I knew who it was, but she left me another note saying she didn't like me anymore. Oh well, blew that one. I did get to talk to her one day after school but I was too nervous to say that I knew who she was and she didn't mention the letters either. Nothing happened yet again. In high school, I occasionally saw her, but she turned into a Gothic girl and looked like she was no longer my type. Not to say that I was going to try and ask her out or anything, I wasn't. I'm pretty sure she was too ashamed to date someone like me openly during jr high. She probably liked me, but thought I was too nerdy looking to be a boyfriend for her. She probably had her social status too high for me. That would explain why she only wanted to talk to me through secret coded messages.

Then the girl I met while working when I was 17-18 years old. I was working at a grocery store as a cashier, was a bagger before that. About a few weeks before I quit, was when I noticed this girl always looking at me and smiling and stuff. She would give me a lot of attention for someone I never talked to. I never talked to anyone I didn't need to, but I noticed her a lot.

On my final day was when I decided to ask her out to lunch. I figured if she turned me down, no big deal, I'm out of there anyway. If she did accept, I could just go on a test run and see what it's like to be on a mock date. Sure enough she did accept. I was nervous as hell asking her and she seemed pretty nervous too. If I had to guess now, I would say she probably had a little bit of SA as well. We went over to a fast food place near by within walking distance. I was pretty nervous about ordering food because at this point in my life, I haven't really done that much at all. Plus I had to order though a speaker. It was one of those dine outside fast food places.

Anyway, I noticed right away that she was really nervous too and I don't think she ever ordered anything for herself either. So I had to do the ordering for the both of us. What kind of sucked was I was wearing braces at the time so I didn't want to order something like a burger. I would have gotten food stuck in my braces. So since I just ordered some fries, she also only wanted something light.

Anyway we talked a little. I mentioned that I "wanted" to go to a tech school or something, although in the back of my mind, I really didn't. She said she wanted to go to college or something too. I don't really remember too much, but we ate together and talked together. This was the very first time in my life that I have ever done anything like this with a girl. And If I had to guess, this was the first time for her too.

It's weird to say, but while I was with her, I felt like a totally different person. I was still nervous as hell around her, but at the same time, I did stuff I never would have. I felt like I could accomplish anything. I had confidence in myself. I felt like I had to take care of her because she was the one feeling anxious and nervous. It was a really great feeling. Like I said, this was probably the only time in my life where I felt truly happy.

But then we said our goodbyes and she hugged me. I think in her hug she was desperately hopping I would ask her for her number or something, but I didn't. I just couldn't bring myself to do such a thing. Even after all the great feelings of confidence I had, I still felt this impending doom feeling that I needed to stay away from. I was far too scared of stepping into my first relationship.

We never saw each other again after that.

That I feel was my one and only shot at possibly having a normal life. If I had started a relationship with her, I might have been able to drive myself into wanting to be a better person for her, by going to college and getting another job and actually living.

I tend to think about it a lot. How my life would be different if I had only taken that other road.

The reason I was quitting that job was I wasn't getting paid the right amount of money for one, and thanksgiving vacation was coming up and we (my family) were going to see my family (grandparents, ect) and I wouldn't have been able to get the time off. Kind of sucks now that I think about it. If I had just stayed working at that store, I wonder if I would have just kept at it all these years or not. For some reason, I quit that job, and just could not for the life of me find another job. I was far too deep into my depression and anxiety to look for another job. I also hated driving so much, it's one of my highest fears.

...............
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post #34 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-12-2011, 04:25 PM
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I'm not here to judge, but this is definitely interesting. At a crossroads, you chose the path of least resistance. I was at the same crossroads during my high school years. I only considered doing what you did because I was fully addicted to video games at an extreme level. I talked about wanting to stay home forever and just take care of my parents while I stay home and play video games.

But eventually there came a point where my parents ended my gaming habit. They had been enablers for years and years but one day they finally just wouldn't give in. I was like 17 years old and I was crying and crying.. but I knew it was the right thing. I felt the draw of the games but resisted.. I actually went back to them a couple times but was able to pull myself out of it again. To this day, I feel the temptations still lingering inside me to go back to MMO gaming, but I'm now in complete control. I just bat away those thoughts.

I don't know if taking this path will work out for me, but I've already decided it's do or die. I'll just keep going until my mind or body fails me, trying to live a normal life. I just have this desire to be successful with a job and with girls that won't go away. I often feel pathetic, hopeless, incompetent.. but that only makes me angry and more motivated to change myself. Anger is unfortunately my biggest motivator. I feel wronged, I feel like I need to prove that I'm not a joke.

Life is hard. It's really, really hard. It's taking more effort than I thought it would.. but I've made my choice.
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post #35 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-12-2011, 04:58 PM
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I think becoming a shut-in is about more than social anxiety. Basically, at eighteen, you made the choice not to grow up. You pressed the pause button on your life because you didn't believe you could cope with adulthood.

I'm just wondering: were your parents controlling or overprotective when you were a kid? Because if your parents have been running your entire life from birth, the idea of going it alone is pretty terrifying, and you're probably not going to feel capable of it.
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post #36 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-12-2011, 06:06 PM
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Wow, you're really f***ed up. Please don't take that as an insult, as I most certainly don't mean it to be. I relate to certain parts of your extreme tale, being really f***ed up myself, though not in the exact same ways.

One way I differ is that I graduated from college. Really the only reason I went to college was because it was the expected thing to do. Society sold me a pile of BS about the value of college. College also gave me a viable excuse for not getting any job from 1991-1995, as my job was student. Also, being a student was what I'd been trained to do and it was simply the natural progression from HS.

Then I graduated in May 1995 and I had a business degree. OK, now what? I wasn't able to answer that simple question, and now I sit here still living with my mother at the age of 38.

Interesting that you've never consumed alcohol. I never drank either till I was over the age of 30, so one can be a late bloomer. Now I drink virtually ever damn night (alone). I don't go to bars, as bars are where one might go with friends and I don't have any of them in real life.

Seems like I'm on the road to nowhere, and it appears to be a dead end. My father died in 2005. My mother is 82 so the sands of time are running low for her. She's in good health for her age, but still 82 isn't young. Then I'll liteally be all alone.

I'm not at all happy, but trying to change scares the crap out of me and being so far gone such change seems impossible.
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post #37 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-12-2011, 06:43 PM
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tcyan, I was like you for a few years. I've always been real quiet, but my Freshman year of high school I totally freaked out and ended up dropping out of school for halff of a semester during my soph year. I did nothing but stay indoors, watch tv and browse the internet. Eventually my parents told me they would call the cops on me if I didn't go to therapy. So, I went and with the help of medication and therapy I was able to go back to school.

To be honest though, I've never been the same. Sure, I finished school and made a few friends (for a few years), but now I'm 30 and I still have no social skills. I go to work and feel isolated from everyone, then I go home (parents house) and feel lonely. Everyday is a struggle and certain times (Like tonight) I feel very depressed.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to the days where I didn't have to face the world and could just be unemployed. Problem is, that would be just as depressing after a while. Frankly, I don't have much hope that the rest of my life will be anymore meaningful. I'm one big socially F'ed up person and I'm at the point where I hate even attempting to meet people. Why bother? Do women like really anxious guys? hahah righttttttt... I think Charles Manson has a better chance of finding true love than I.

Anyways, ever since high school I've been a mess and that hasn't changed with age or experience. Everyday I go to work I feel the same anxiety and awkwardness that I did when I was 18
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post #38 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-12-2011, 07:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bluedragon View Post
u sound selfish to me,stop leeching
I can't understand how anybody with true SAD could ever say something like that. This forum sometimes confuses me?
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post #39 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-12-2011, 07:32 PM
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Agreed, kon.

This breaks my heart. If not for a few lucky breaks, who knows, maybe I could be standing in your shoes. I am puzzled by your assertion you are happy and don't desire change. Is this something you have tell yourself in order to keep going? This seems excruciating. I hope you can find a way into the outside, if that's what you truly desire. Take care.

...you gotta keep the goal in mind, develop tunnel vision to a certain extent. it's hard, and it's not for everyone.

~bad baby

"Daisy, may I ask why you're holding Miss Sybil's biscuit jar?"
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post #40 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-12-2011, 08:13 PM
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I've also been a total no-hoper since I left my last job almost five years ago. While I'm far from content being an avoidant parasite, it's shamefully preferable to the daily horrors of employment or school. I still look for work and keep active with creative pursuits, but it's getting harder for me to find motivation or make a real effort because I'm far more miserable when I'm struggling to be self-sufficient and getting absolutely nowhere. Then again, nearly everyone else I know pushing 30 is in a similarly desperate situation.
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