Been living as a shut in since 1999. - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-11-2011, 09:44 PM Thread Starter
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Been living as a shut in since 1999.


Agoraphobia, Hikikomori, Hermit, call it whatever you want. I've been living like this for 12 years.

I'm 30 years old and I still live with my parents. They enable me so I have absolutely no reason to try and change my life style. All I do is watch TV and play video games 24/7/365. I never get bored of my so called life.

I think I've always lived with social anxiety as a child and through my teen years, but it didn't really hit me like a ton of bricks till I was 18 years old. My parents were pressuring me to go to college. That's when the panic attacks started. So my parents backed off and said I didn't have to go to college. Then I just became a shut in and stopped going outside. I sold my car soon after and haven't done anything with my life.

I've only gone outside about 6 times in the last 12 years. I've missed family vacations (they went to Las Vegas once), I've missed funerals of family members dying (uncles, grandparents, ect). I haven't seen my only living grandmother in 12 years now.

All I do is drown myself in tv, video games, and anime.

The big problem here is. Am I happy? Yes. But am I really happy? No. But do I want to change? Nope. I know I am being a leech to my parents and they just allow me to live this way, but it sucks and I just don't know what I can do about it. I just don't want to change. I like being this way, because it's me.

I've tried talking to doctors/psychiatrist ect and they did nothing for me. I tried taking drugs for depression, and they did nothing for me. I also hate taking medications because it's a fear, along with all the other fears I have in life.

I have severe panic attacks whenever I do go outside in public. I get extremely nervous just doing anything that's outside of my comfort zone. Talking on the phone makes me nervous.

I have an extreme fear of being successful/happy. Every time I get a chance to do something good with my life, I reject it. Anytime I do something good that gets a compliment from my parents, I hate it. I hate birthdays, I hate Christmas. I hate being given presents during these times because I feel like I don't deserve anything. My parents put up with me enough as it is, why do they still insist on buying me presents. I know they are just trying to treat me as a normal person, but I just hate it.

I don't think I have ever truly been happy once in my entire life, accept for one time. That time was when I was 18, working at a grocery store. It was my last two weeks because I was quitting to supposedly go to college or something, which never happened. Anyway, this girl was really giving me an unusual amount of attention and always smiling and looking at me. I decided on my last day that I would just ask her to eat lunch with me. She accepted. We ate together and talked and stuff. I could really tell that she had a crush on me. It was the first time I really felt that a girl ever had interest in me.

Although I did have girls that liked me before when I was in jr high school and earlier high school, but I was too dense to realize it. This girl was making it clear as day for me to see that she liked me. But since it was my last day of work, It was like I planned it out subconsciously beforehand in my mind that talking to her and asking her out for lunch was great since I wouldn't be seeing her anymore anyway.

After lunch, I said my goodbyes cause my shift ended earlier, and she hugged me. That was my first hug. That was probably the only time I ever felt great about myself.

But what did I go and do next? Nothing. I never bothered to try and see her again. I basically pushed her away because I was afraid of getting into a relationship. Shortly after that is when I turned into a shut in and stopped going outside.

So that brings me to today. I'm 30, still a virgin, haven't been on a first real date, never been kissed, ect. But this really doesn't bother me too much. I think about it rarely time to time, but I like being alone. I'm very antisocial now and I just can't see myself in a relationship with anyone. Unless I can find a woman that is willing to take care of a big baby like me, then It would be best for me to just stay single for the rest of my life.

I had one friend from my childhood. He is now around my age with a wife and two kids last time I heard. I haven't talked to him in 12 years either.

One of my uncles recently tried to hook me up with a stay at home job working on a website. I couldn't even bring myself to even apply for that.

Whomever reading this. I hope you know I'm not really looking for help here. I just wanted to tell a little bit about myself and how I got here. I really could go on and on about myself even more but I've probably said enough. I just feel like Life is a pain and I hope I don't live too much longer... While I'm not currently suicidal or anything, I do think about it all the time to the point that I feel like I could do it.

When my parents can no longer take care of me, or pass away, I'll be left alone and that will be the time to take my life. I just don't see any other way out than this. I'm extremely miserable, but at the same time, I'm happy that I don't have to deal with life responsibilities and being an adult. I can just be a kid forever.

Edit: Read more here.
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post #2 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-11-2011, 09:54 PM
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Any siblings?

.................................................. ..............................up.
.................................................. .................climb
Time to practise. It's gonna be a hard
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post #3 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-11-2011, 09:58 PM
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Interesting read.

I was in a similar situation after high school, spent about 2 years in my room with my video games and little contact with the outside world. I sometimes wish i could live like that forever but i realized i was missing out on a lot, even though I don't see my friends much i think it's still important...

I think the parent thing is something that forced me to try and get out there, as they aren't getting any younger. So I know I have to learn to be self sufficient, eventually.
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post #4 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-11-2011, 09:58 PM
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"All life demands struggle. Those who have everything given to them become lazy, selfish, and insensitive to the real values of life. The very striving and hard work that we so constantly try to avoid is the major building block in the person we are today."
- Pope Paul VI
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post #5 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-11-2011, 09:59 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by theseshackles View Post
Any siblings?
Yeah I have a brother, he's going to be 23 soon. He's living with us too, but he has a job and a social life. I don't think he would take care of me if my parents were to suddenly leave. Heck I wouldn't want to put that burden on him.

I also have a cousin that's antisocial and still lives with his parents. He's probably around 35~ years old and at least has a job.

I have an aunt that is in her 50s or 60s. She stayed with her parents until they died and then moved in with her sister. She also does not do anything. She had jobs here and there, but she's mostly a shut in like me.
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post #6 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-11-2011, 10:04 PM
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I read it all. No judgement. I've been similar for about 6 years now though not as extreme and I thought I was bad (no offence, I mean that in the nicest way). Personally I'm bored everyday I do the same thing as you, other than I go for walks when it's quiet, late evening/early morning. I'm miserable also.

The way I see it is I'd rather go through other types of pain and make a go of it than the emotional pain that comes from living a solitary life. Too long I've sat literally staring at walls with negative thoughts festering in my mind all day. Simply, there has to be more to life than this. I'm terrified really and it's going to be hard. Maybe I'll let you know how it goes.

I just want to put out to you also, though you probably already know this. Have you not considered when your parents do eventually die (since you've mentioned it) you are going to have a much tougher time looking after yourself than if you'd started to make posative changes before hand?
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post #7 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-11-2011, 10:14 PM
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Well for the sake of survival after your parents pass on there are a lot of work at home jobs you could choose to do.

.................................................. ..............................up.
.................................................. .................climb
Time to practise. It's gonna be a hard
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post #8 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-11-2011, 10:15 PM
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I was a shut in during periods late 2004s - late 2006 and when I met someone on the net and he gave me a job but I left that and it continued my downward spiral again...losing many things outside and right now the future is still uncertain for me even though I got a job but I don't know if I ever would be a temporary shut in again. Though my parents do actually find me a burden...so I got little to no choice but to face the harsh realities out there now and then...

I can understand your condition but being a young lady like me wanting to be shut out of the world seem really unusual to many...

Living is easy with eyes closed
Misunderstanding all you see
It's getting hard to be someone
But it all works out
It doesn't matter much to me

Let me take you down
'Cause i'm going to strawberry fields...

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post #9 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-11-2011, 10:18 PM
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I am in a similar situation only my parents (horrible people) are dead and I was kept captive till I was 15 then when I escaped I wound up in prison for three and a half years,I had a social life for maybe 3-4yrs then I just quit because it was waayyy to exhausting. now i have a sugar momma that enables me and I have to pay the rent physically so basically I'm her sex doll and I cant wait to die. This is just another prison sentence.
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post #10 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-11-2011, 10:28 PM Thread Starter
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I just want to put out to you also, though you probably already know this. Have you not considered when your parents do eventually die (since you've mentioned it) you are going to have a much tougher time looking after yourself than if you'd started to make posative changes before hand?
Like I said, I've been considering suicide once there is nobody left to take care of me. I really hate the idea of living past 50 years old too.

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Well for the sake of survival after your parents pass on there are a lot of work at home jobs you could choose to do.
Not really, most stay at home jobs require you to talk on the phone, and I have a major phobia of that. And if there are any where I can just work over the internet, I can't imagine I would make enough money from that to live on.
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post #11 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-11-2011, 10:31 PM
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I feel i have had SA throughout my life, but like you it really hit me when i tried to go to college. Needless to say, it was a bad experience and i withdrew from the world. Didn't leave the house for two years straight. Not for mail, trash, drive, walk...nothing. Of course the more time you spend alone with your negative thoughs the more they will build on each other. Thankfully I found a doctor and pills that helped. What I'm trying to relate to you is take a small step first. I've been to the lowest of the low and just spent time waiting to die, I got to that now or never feeling and gave it my best to change things. Don't give up yet.

What was I doing again?
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post #12 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-11-2011, 10:32 PM
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Cmon dude you totally need to get laid before you leave this world

Let that be your motivation to stick around a little longer

.................................................. ..............................up.
.................................................. .................climb
Time to practise. It's gonna be a hard
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post #13 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-11-2011, 10:35 PM
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Don't you miss doing non-social stuff, like seeing nature, the ocean, cycling, etc. There's people who isolate themselves from other people but live in really nice natural landscape and grow their own plants, animals, etc. One of my cousins did this for years. He didn't have SAD but just got fed up with civilization and moved in a place which was very isolated in the mountains.
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post #14 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-11-2011, 10:37 PM
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I've been like that for 6 years or so, but it wasn't like the past-911 new millenium stereotypical "video games, TV, and living in moms basement (I never had a basement before) thing (I still go out) but it's only now that I'm starting to break out of it for real. Once I prayed to God and asked for help and direction in life and now he's showing me the way. I'm still not truly happy though and I'm not gonna go around boasting that the world is perfect and if someone isn't content it means they're a danger to society because that's completely false. But I can see all the injustices out there and I think the only way you can really come to terms with this stuff is if you're living it. With the pain and despair. I've been at rock bottom mentally and spiritually and in general several times and have on occasion started seriously questioning my existance and purpose, and wondering if I should even bother living in this matrix anymore.


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Originally Posted by TCyan View Post
I don't think I have ever truly been happy once in my entire life, accept for one time. That time was when I was 18, working at a grocery store. It was my last two weeks because I was quitting to supposedly go to college or something, which never happened. Anyway, this girl was really giving me an unusual amount of attention and always smiling and looking at me. I decided on my last day that I would just ask her to eat lunch with me. She accepted. We ate together and talked and stuff. I could really tell that she had a crush on me. It was the first time I really felt that a girl ever had interest in me.

After lunch, I said my goodbyes cause my shift ended earlier, and she hugged me. That was my first hug. That was probably the only time I ever felt great about myself.
Wow that's unreal. I'd love to experience something like that. So weird how something like that can change the outlook so much.
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post #15 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-11-2011, 11:01 PM
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Wow reading this gave me a sinking feeling in my chest. This sounds scary. No offense. I really fear ending up like that..i guess its cool youre happy living that way (or at least made yourself believe that you're happy)
I used to live as a recluse, or a "shut in" with my boyfriend for a few years when i was 18.. then we broke up (for reasons not being my SA) i moved back home and I'm going to admit I was so much happier being a shut in at his place... yet it was miserable. I hate how confusing that was for me.

Now that im 21 and expected to be midway through college and partying it up every weekend, which is what i expected of myself -__- Its only become a nightmare. I get panic and tons of anxiety in school, I stopped going.. which made me feel disappointed but im trying to push myself to try again this September.
I'm realizing that i've strayed away from so many friends, and so many opportunities in life and its left me in a rut of depression, its so lonely sometimes i think i hear voices.

It kinda just blows my mind reading about someone who doesn't mind the lifestyle I'm terrified of living.

More power to ya I guess.
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post #16 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-11-2011, 11:18 PM Thread Starter
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Cmon dude you totally need to get laid before you leave this world

Let that be your motivation to stick around a little longer
I've been told many times on other forums that I should just get a hooker or whatever. I really don't want that. And I really don't care about dying a virgin either. I just don't care about it.

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Don't you miss doing non-social stuff, like seeing nature, the ocean, cycling, etc. There's people who isolate themselves from other people but live in really nice natural landscape and grow their own plants, animals, etc. One of my cousins did this for years. He didn't have SAD but just got fed up with civilization and moved in a place which was very isolated in the mountains.
I never learned how to ride a bike or swim or anything. I've never been into nature. I hate being outside, I dislike bugs. I never did anything outdoorsie when I was not a shut in either. As a kid, all I did was spend my summer vacations in my room. I had a few friends, but all we did was play video games.
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post #17 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-11-2011, 11:39 PM
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^ Do you want to at least attempt getting treatment?
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post #18 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-11-2011, 11:54 PM Thread Starter
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^ Do you want to at least attempt getting treatement?
Like I said in my opening post, I don't want to change. I like living this way. It's great not having any responsibilities. I know it will end someday but everything ends eventually anyway. I just don't care about the idea of having a full time job, paying bills, buying food at the grocery store, being around people socially, all that crap is awful sounding to me. My panic attacks basically keep me from doing anything socially anyway and I refuse to take medication. I'm quite content right were I am.
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post #19 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-11-2011, 11:59 PM
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Am I happy? Yes. But am I really happy? No.
I'm just saying attempting treatment might be a good idea to prevent a suicidal crises later.

Anyway, apart from that, what do you want us to say?
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post #20 of 563 (permalink) Old 06-12-2011, 12:02 AM Thread Starter
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I'm just saying attempting treatment might be a good idea to prevent a suicidal crises later.

Anyway, apart from that, what do you want us to say?
Not really looking for answers or help here. I just wanted to make my mark on the world, maybe scare some people into not wanting to become like me, ect. I just like talking about myself and reading about others that have their own problems.
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