Agoraphobia, Hikikomori, Hermit, call it whatever you want. I've been living like this for 12 years.
I'm 30 years old and I still live with my parents. They enable me so I have absolutely no reason to try and change my life style. All I do is watch TV and play video games 24/7/365. I never get bored of my so called life.
I think I've always lived with social anxiety as a child and through my teen years, but it didn't really hit me like a ton of bricks till I was 18 years old. My parents were pressuring me to go to college. That's when the panic attacks started. So my parents backed off and said I didn't have to go to college. Then I just became a shut in and stopped going outside. I sold my car soon after and haven't done anything with my life.
I've only gone outside about 6 times in the last 12 years. I've missed family vacations (they went to Las Vegas once), I've missed funerals of family members dying (uncles, grandparents, ect). I haven't seen my only living grandmother in 12 years now.
All I do is drown myself in tv, video games, and anime.
The big problem here is. Am I happy? Yes. But am I really happy? No. But do I want to change? Nope. I know I am being a leech to my parents and they just allow me to live this way, but it sucks and I just don't know what I can do about it. I just don't want to change. I like being this way, because it's me.
I've tried talking to doctors/psychiatrist ect and they did nothing for me. I tried taking drugs for depression, and they did nothing for me. I also hate taking medications because it's a fear, along with all the other fears I have in life.
I have severe panic attacks whenever I do go outside in public. I get extremely nervous just doing anything that's outside of my comfort zone. Talking on the phone makes me nervous.
I have an extreme fear of being successful/happy. Every time I get a chance to do something good with my life, I reject it. Anytime I do something good that gets a compliment from my parents, I hate it. I hate birthdays, I hate Christmas. I hate being given presents during these times because I feel like I don't deserve anything. My parents put up with me enough as it is, why do they still insist on buying me presents. I know they are just trying to treat me as a normal person, but I just hate it.
I don't think I have ever truly been happy once in my entire life, accept for one time. That time was when I was 18, working at a grocery store. It was my last two weeks because I was quitting to supposedly go to college or something, which never happened. Anyway, this girl was really giving me an unusual amount of attention and always smiling and looking at me. I decided on my last day that I would just ask her to eat lunch with me. She accepted. We ate together and talked and stuff. I could really tell that she had a crush on me. It was the first time I really felt that a girl ever had interest in me.
Although I did have girls that liked me before when I was in jr high school and earlier high school, but I was too dense to realize it. This girl was making it clear as day for me to see that she liked me. But since it was my last day of work, It was like I planned it out subconsciously beforehand in my mind that talking to her and asking her out for lunch was great since I wouldn't be seeing her anymore anyway.
After lunch, I said my goodbyes cause my shift ended earlier, and she hugged me. That was my first hug. That was probably the only time I ever felt great about myself.
But what did I go and do next? Nothing. I never bothered to try and see her again. I basically pushed her away because I was afraid of getting into a relationship. Shortly after that is when I turned into a shut in and stopped going outside.
So that brings me to today. I'm 30, still a virgin, haven't been on a first real date, never been kissed, ect. But this really doesn't bother me too much. I think about it rarely time to time, but I like being alone. I'm very antisocial now and I just can't see myself in a relationship with anyone. Unless I can find a woman that is willing to take care of a big baby like me, then It would be best for me to just stay single for the rest of my life.
I had one friend from my childhood. He is now around my age with a wife and two kids last time I heard. I haven't talked to him in 12 years either.
One of my uncles recently tried to hook me up with a stay at home job working on a website. I couldn't even bring myself to even apply for that.
Whomever reading this. I hope you know I'm not really looking for help here. I just wanted to tell a little bit about myself and how I got here. I really could go on and on about myself even more but I've probably said enough. I just feel like Life is a pain and I hope I don't live too much longer... While I'm not currently suicidal or anything, I do think about it all the time to the point that I feel like I could do it.
When my parents can no longer take care of me, or pass away, I'll be left alone and that will be the time to take my life. I just don't see any other way out than this. I'm extremely miserable, but at the same time, I'm happy that I don't have to deal with life responsibilities and being an adult. I can just be a kid forever.
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