Bad trip story I need to get off my chest - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 06-06-2015, 08:13 PM Thread Starter
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Bad trip story I need to get off my chest


I took shrooms about 6 months ago with my two best friends, Josh and Kristen. I had taken shrooms before but this time was different. I took a whopping 4 – 5 grams instead of my usual 2. What I experienced then was what I considered to be the worst night of my life. I had forgotten everything about time, space, friends, family, and even myself. My worst fear is losing control, and it played off it. My nightmare was becoming reality.

I locked myself in the washroom while Josh and Kristen were tripping out peacefully in the den. My mind was in a loop of negativity and paranoia. I splashed water on my face for the next hour and a half while having visions of self-mutilation. Horrid imagery I couldn’t get out of my head. I was scared I lost control of my body and mind; scared that I would give into this tortuous urge to hurt myself.

The only thing keeping me somewhat sane was repeating to myself what good friends and family I had. It was a constant reminder of who I was. “I am me. I am me. I am me.” What also helped was the hopeful relief that soon the psychedelic effects would dissipate. “Only one more hour. Half an hour. 10 more minutes and it will all be over.” I was right – partially.

I did regain the identity of myself and the world, but it still shook me. I could barely sleep that night. After watching a movie, Josh and Kristen were safely asleep while I was suffering in the dark. I couldn’t stop shaking and had a catastrophic fear of hurting myself in my sleep state. My world had turned upside down. My past anxieties and negativities were hitting me all at once. Fortunately, freaking yourself out is very exhausting – so I slept.

The next morning was a little better, but the feeling of dread still crept in the back of my mind; it was lingering. The next few days I still felt horrible. It was a good thing that I had several roommates to take my mind off of it. Distractions got me through the days until the effects no longer existed. Until...

A few months later (month ago today), school ended and I moved out of student housing to my mother’s place. I was feeling down because I loved living with people my age and was used to it at this point, but I knew a few months with my mom would be good to save up money. One day I was watching a documentary and the film had a scene where someone was taking a lot of hard drugs, and that’s when it happened.

All the fear and anguish was suddenly rushing back into my brain. It felt like I had taken another 5 grams of shrooms and was on the same horrid trip. Being the only one home, I wandered around the house doing the same coping techniques I did the first time around. But now, I had no idea how long it would last. Was it all in my head? Is it my anxiety? Or something else? I was scared to death – pacing around in my backyard attempting to breathe trying to calm myself down. Fortunately it ended. But I still felt the lingering effect. Is this how my life will be from now on, trying to get past a stupid bad trip?

Currently as I write this I can still feel it. Whenever I see or hear any reference to drugs, my mind races and the negativity rushes back. I’m fearful but also hopeful because I’ve been dealing with anxiety my whole life and I know that I will overcome this. It just takes time.

Sorry, I had to get that out of my system. I know it's a long read but to those who read it, I truly appreciate it.

Thank you.

Never think opportunity as another way for anxiety to push you down, think of it as another way for you to push anxiety down.

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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 06-06-2015, 08:25 PM
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I'm sorry that happened to you. I can't imagine how awful a bad trip is, but if it's as overwhelmingly bad as they can be awesomely amazing...eesh. They've only ever helped cure my soul, but their effects fade, good and bad.

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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 06-06-2015, 08:51 PM
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Might have been a flashback, but I don't think so unless there were psychedelic phenomena the second time when you were at your mom's place. It could have just been a (post-traumatic) panic attack (did you feel you might lose control? like you might die?) from the trauma of the first trip. And incidentally it sounds like the original trip was psychedelic but also accompanied by one huge panic attack. You're not going crazy but you may have PTSD because some reminder of the bad trip triggered an anxiety episode. Look up the symptoms of PTSD. Look up the symptoms of Panic Attack, and look at the diagnostic criteria for Panic Disorder. Sounds like you had a panic attack, especially if it peaked after a short time and the peak didn't last that hours. I would advise you (obviously) not to use psychedelics or even weed until you have this sorted out. Also (after stopping the illicit drugs) if you have a never-ending low-level anxiety with these flashback-y spikes of panic attacks when something reminds you of the bad trip, you might need to see a psychiatrist and take a medication (SSRI).
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 06-06-2015, 08:52 PM
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I'm glad you feel better telling us.
It's nice to know that you are determined to get over your anxiety.
I am slowly trying to lessen the severity of my social anxiety too.
Your shroom trip sounds really frightening but it's wonderful you have a strong sense of self to pull you through it.
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 06-06-2015, 10:42 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gopherinferno View Post
I'm sorry that happened to you. I can't imagine how awful a bad trip is, but if it's as overwhelmingly bad as they can be awesomely amazing...eesh. They've only ever helped cure my soul, but their effects fade, good and bad.
Believe me, when I took a lower dose I had some of the most amazing experiences of my life. Which is funny because this time it was the worst experience of my life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by francisarsenic View Post
Might have been a flashback, but I don't think so unless there were psychedelic phenomena the second time when you were at your mom's place. It could have just been a (post-traumatic) panic attack (did you feel you might lose control? like you might die?) from the trauma of the first trip. And incidentally it sounds like the original trip was psychedelic but also accompanied by one huge panic attack. You're not going crazy but you may have PTSD because some reminder of the bad trip triggered an anxiety episode. Look up the symptoms of PTSD. Look up the symptoms of Panic Attack, and look at the diagnostic criteria for Panic Disorder. Sounds like you had a panic attack, especially if it peaked after a short time and the peak didn't last that hours. I would advise you (obviously) not to use psychedelics or even weed until you have this sorted out. Also (after stopping the illicit drugs) if you have a never-ending low-level anxiety with these flashback-y spikes of panic attacks when something reminds you of the bad trip, you might need to see a psychiatrist and take a medication (SSRI).
Thanks for the info. I have been looking into PTSD. The only solution to this phenomenon is talking about it openly and not letting it control you. Essentially why I wrote this today is to get it all out of my head. I think it's all about time and acceptance.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LotusBloom View Post
I'm glad you feel better telling us.
It's nice to know that you are determined to get over your anxiety.
I am slowly trying to lessen the severity of my social anxiety too.
Your shroom trip sounds really frightening but it's wonderful you have a strong sense of self to pull you through it.
It was unfortunately. I never want to go through that ever again. I appreciate the kind words.

Never think opportunity as another way for anxiety to push you down, think of it as another way for you to push anxiety down.

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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 06-06-2015, 11:13 PM
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Don't ever do mushrooms again or any kind of drug including weed. U are lucky that u still believed in your parents and friends.

The only love affair I have ever had was with music.
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 06-06-2015, 11:25 PM
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That's the thing. Drugs and SA are a TERRIBLE combination. Because first off you already have low self-esteem and are paranoid, taking drugs only amplifies these feeling. Drugs take down those mental barriers you use to protect yourself from pain and reveals your true self to yourself. It's scary ****, I've been there before. Essentially mine was like going to hell total lack of connection with the real world. Drugs open you up, they show you all the scary **** that goes on in your subconscious.
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