Bad trip story I need to get off my chest
I took shrooms about 6 months ago with my two best friends, Josh and Kristen. I had taken shrooms before but this time was different. I took a whopping 4 – 5 grams instead of my usual 2. What I experienced then was what I considered to be the worst night of my life. I had forgotten everything about time, space, friends, family, and even myself. My worst fear is losing control, and it played off it. My nightmare was becoming reality.
I locked myself in the washroom while Josh and Kristen were tripping out peacefully in the den. My mind was in a loop of negativity and paranoia. I splashed water on my face for the next hour and a half while having visions of self-mutilation. Horrid imagery I couldn’t get out of my head. I was scared I lost control of my body and mind; scared that I would give into this tortuous urge to hurt myself.
The only thing keeping me somewhat sane was repeating to myself what good friends and family I had. It was a constant reminder of who I was. “I am me. I am me. I am me.” What also helped was the hopeful relief that soon the psychedelic effects would dissipate. “Only one more hour. Half an hour. 10 more minutes and it will all be over.” I was right – partially.
I did regain the identity of myself and the world, but it still shook me. I could barely sleep that night. After watching a movie, Josh and Kristen were safely asleep while I was suffering in the dark. I couldn’t stop shaking and had a catastrophic fear of hurting myself in my sleep state. My world had turned upside down. My past anxieties and negativities were hitting me all at once. Fortunately, freaking yourself out is very exhausting – so I slept.
The next morning was a little better, but the feeling of dread still crept in the back of my mind; it was lingering. The next few days I still felt horrible. It was a good thing that I had several roommates to take my mind off of it. Distractions got me through the days until the effects no longer existed. Until...
A few months later (month ago today), school ended and I moved out of student housing to my mother’s place. I was feeling down because I loved living with people my age and was used to it at this point, but I knew a few months with my mom would be good to save up money. One day I was watching a documentary and the film had a scene where someone was taking a lot of hard drugs, and that’s when it happened.
All the fear and anguish was suddenly rushing back into my brain. It felt like I had taken another 5 grams of shrooms and was on the same horrid trip. Being the only one home, I wandered around the house doing the same coping techniques I did the first time around. But now, I had no idea how long it would last. Was it all in my head? Is it my anxiety? Or something else? I was scared to death – pacing around in my backyard attempting to breathe trying to calm myself down. Fortunately it ended. But I still felt the lingering effect. Is this how my life will be from now on, trying to get past a stupid bad trip?
Currently as I write this I can still feel it. Whenever I see or hear any reference to drugs, my mind races and the negativity rushes back. I’m fearful but also hopeful because I’ve been dealing with anxiety my whole life and I know that I will overcome this. It just takes time.
Sorry, I had to get that out of my system. I know it's a long read but to those who read it, I truly appreciate it.
Never think opportunity as another way for anxiety to push you down, think of it as another way for you to push anxiety down.
"The hardest thing in this world is to live in it"
A man cries out loud.
A leader cries in silence.
A thing doesn't cry at all.