Attachment and Commitment problems? - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 03-30-2019, 03:11 PM Thread Starter
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Attachment and Commitment problems?


Does anyone besides me have problems with attachments? Talking to people isn’t really my main issue.

My main issue with my SA is that I have a lot of trouble with atrachmebts and commitment. I don’t mind having acquaintances, but I feel like running when people try getting closer to me.

I end up having a dilemma where I am lonely, but I like keeping people at arms length as well. I get really uncomfortable and anxious when I have obligation to people.

I am not very good at interacting with people in general. I love the IDEA of close relationships, but the process of making a close friend is what I don’t enjoy.

I enjoy being around people, but want to be left alone.

I also have a problem where I become extremely obsessed with people I become interested in. Also, in the past when I have had close friends I have always felt very protective and territorial. I don’t like sharing people. I’m not verbally hostile anymore, but i used to be.

The odd thing is that even with people I like a lot I still feel like I need to keep them at arms length. It’s like I simultaneously try to get closer and farther at the same time. So, even though with people I really like I form obsessive attachments I don’t really react on that obsession.

It’s really weird being me.

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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-07-2019, 08:09 PM
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I've made plenty of friends over the years, but all of them have ended with us drifting apart. They never ended from fights or drama, but simply from lack of interest or effort. Like you say, it's difficult to stay attached to certain people for years. You enjoy their company, but then it almost starts to feel like work just being with them. What can you talk about that you haven't already discussed? What activities can you do that you both like? Should you be the one to initiate things? Should they do it more? I'm asking myself these questions all the time. Friendship is never a precise formula that you can master, it's supposed to be free-flowing and organic. Folks like us have a harder time finding that rhythm and the right partners.

When will the time come when we feel complete?
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-08-2019, 12:08 AM
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Maybe you are romanticizing the idea of having a deep circle of friends and having a social life? This might explain how you seem to want it, but in the end, you don't, so you push people away. Or maybe you want just an appearance that you live a social life but are not interested in a deeper connection to people? I had a similar issue. Or maybe a fear of intimacy.

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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-08-2019, 04:48 AM
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I actually have the opposite problem of you, I have no problem whatsoever having decently close-close friends with above average-deep connections, but I absolutely can't stand acquaintances.
To be completely Frank, the value an acquaintance has to me is directly linked to the possibility of us moving past that acquaintance status.

So as you can guess, I end up spending a lot of my nights alone, I end up feeling lonely and wishing I had someone to talk to, more friends to spend more time with so I wouldn't have such stretches of solitude.
But realistically I know that if I was to meet someone they would most likely not form a deep connection with me and end up being an annoyance, so I prefer to spend my nights alone yet I'm still lonely and longing for more.

It might be something like that, your longing for something even though realistically it wouldn't jive with you, it's your own personality battling your own nature as a social animal.


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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-08-2019, 10:13 PM
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I have the opposite of commitment/intimacy issues. When I do meet people who want to spend time with me I tend to get in deep really fast and stay there. It's pretty rare for me to meet people like that, though. I'm too weird for most people. But I tend to avoid making new friendships anyway now because I'd like to minimize collateral damage.

I've never experienced jealousy, so far as I know, and I've never been obsessed with anyone in my life. I think I'm just missing that part of my brain. It sort of sounds like it sucks. But then, people don't like people who don't get jealous, either.

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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-08-2019, 10:35 PM
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Sounds like me.
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-08-2019, 10:44 PM
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Your heart wants the commitment but your anxiety wants the detachment. I struggle the same.
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-09-2019, 07:09 AM
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I'm self aware of the fact that I don't fit the social norm, which makes me wary of getting to know others and I understand most people will reject me based on that even if I seem to get along with a person. It's difficult for me to get to know people. It's so easy to say your future isn't in your past, but that's it's foundation. I struggled allot with mental illness as a teenager, I stopped using social media when I was 18 & with that allot of previous friendships. Building friendships when you don't already have some form of social circle is difficult.

I wouldn't say I have attachment issues in the sense of being clingy, I tended to be the opposite in the past (which isn't any better). I do develop attachments to people which is good, but I tend to be distant about it. Which I have to work on...

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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-09-2019, 07:19 AM
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I'm pretty sure I have avpd and dpd, so I have a horrible fear of getting close to people, but if I ever do (this has happened with one person in past 20 years because I'm so avoidant and worried about being hurt) I end up getting far to dependent on them and completely crushed if they stop wanting anything to do with me. If I like someone then I want to spend as much time with them as possible. Being like this is hell. I'm so desperate for emotional and physical intimacy with someone, but it scares me, and I can't cope when they leave.
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-20-2019, 04:54 AM
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thanks for this thread, makes me feel less lonely lol.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Veritastar View Post
I end up having a dilemma where I am lonely, but I like keeping people at arms length as well. I get really uncomfortable and anxious when I have obligation to people.
do you fear not being able to live up to a certain image of yourself as a caring/attentive friend?

Quote:
I also have a problem where I become extremely obsessed with people I become interested in. Also, in the past when I have had close friends I have always felt very protective and territorial. I donít like sharing people.
I definitely see myself as obsessive, and see myself a lot in this... but of course, one is never exactly the same as another.

Quote:
The odd thing is that even with people I like a lot I still feel like I need to keep them at arms length. Itís like I simultaneously try to get closer and farther at the same time. So, even though with people I really like I form obsessive attachments I donít really react on that obsession.

Itís really weird being me.
are there any trust issues here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SociopathicApe View Post
Friendship is never a precise formula that you can master, it's supposed to be free-flowing and organic. Folks like us have a harder time finding that rhythm and the right partners.
good point


Quote:
Originally Posted by LightUpTheAzureSky View Post
the value an acquaintance has to me is directly linked to the possibility of us moving past that acquaintance status.

[...] realistically I know that if I was to meet someone they would most likely not form a deep connection with me and end up being an annoyance, so I prefer to spend my nights alone yet I'm still lonely and longing for more.
I see myself in this too.... heh,...

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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-21-2019, 12:16 AM
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Duke Duck, I agree. Well said
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