I think I'm more afraid of acceptance than rejection lol - acceptance would be difficult because it would mean future interactions.
Yes, its true that there could be future interactions and with it may come expectations.
Strangers are easier to be around because you don't have to deal with them again. But with people you know, its easy to feel you have to "keep up the performance" like you did last time.
Choosing to take that step forward can feel like standing in line for the world's scariest roller coaster. How high is the hill? Will my seat belt stay on? What will the drop feel like? Am I really secure going upside down? What about the one kid in the news article who fell out
? Those types of feelings can happen each time you try to collect what little motivation you have left and push forward.
But when you're ready to step out of the comfort zone and go full speed ahead, it is so worth it!
Appreciate your support though, really do.
Makes me feel better to know someone understands and isn't judging.
No problem! We've all had some kind of experience with SA and this community is great about making you feel like you're not alone.
You're right, this is completely true. I always need to keep up appearances so to speak. I want people to think I have a social life that is as busy as their own. To me, that is the ultimate currency. To be "in demand." It's a measure of your worth within society. This may be a bias - but it is how I feel. So by being home a lot, I feel as though I am worth less to society than others, and it is my neighbors who take notice of this deficit. I suppose I shouldn't feel this way but I think about it eternally.
I kind of felt that way in university. There were students who did things like join a lot of clubs, work part time, tutor, take leadership roles, win scholarships, party, be part of a research team etc. Meanwhile all I did outside of studying full time was join the anime club. Back when I had no clue what I wanted to do in life, it could be really depressing knowing that someone out there on campus was accomplishing so much more than me. From high school to college there is the pressure of appearing well rounded so that you get in. Then at the end of college there is the strain of needing to "be somebody" important, with an endless list of networking contacts and references. There is the feeling of needing to shout your voice louder than everyone else so you can be noticed or at least considered to be at the same level as your peers.
I found out what I wanted to do in life. And it wasn't to become a doctor. Or a physical therapist. Or a nurse. Or a school teacher. Or a chef/zoo keeper/accountant/I.T. specialist/computer programmer (I actually cycled through all these occupations at first!!!).
I decided I genuinely wanted to become a medical coder.
How many things did I scratch off my "list of things that a well accomplished person should have?"
Well being a medical coder means that:
I don't make $100,000 a year
I don't socialize and make connections with "important people"
I help patients indirectly, behind the scenes and they will never know it
I am not as well known as a special guest speaker or leader
I have absolutely no intention of becoming a supervisor or manager
But those things no longer matter to me because I'm doing what I want to do all day. My work is not "work" to me - instead it is like an enjoyable mentally stimulating puzzle/activity that I can play with for 8 hours. I will never have to "work" a day in my life again because to me my work is a privilege.
These days I have completely rewritten my value system. I want to add value to society in a different way than what people expect.