Are you in an embarrassing situation because of SA or lack of a social life? - Page 2 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #21 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-28-2020, 07:09 AM
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I used to feel the same way. But I finally understood that having few friends or no friends was not wrong at all. If you are not in common with your neighbors, you need not be friends with them. I suggest you to find something you like to do, like hiking ,running or playing music,etc, and soon you can make friends who have common interests with u .
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post #22 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-30-2020, 04:38 PM
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Originally Posted by either/or View Post
What I wish would happen:


neighbor: Hey Buddy, what's up? Haven't seen you in a while, what have you been up to?

either/or: Not much man - Jack White's putting on a show next month totally want to go but don't know anyone who wants to go.

neighbor: LETS GO! HE'S THE MAN! YOU'RE A RIGHTEOUS DUDE! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS?!

either/or: Let's do this!

Would you feel comfortable saying something like that in person? Who knows, you could end up meeting someone new or going to a show with one of your neighbors. I think its worth an attempt because in the fight against SA you are winning whether there is a rejection or there is acceptance. If there is rejection you can talk about what happened here and we will all support you and give advice!! If all goes well you may get to meet someone new or end up hanging out with your neighbor.


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Originally Posted by either/or View Post
What will probably happen:


neighbor: Hey Buddy, what's up? Haven't seen you in a while, what have you been up to?

either/or: *gulps* *turns bright red* * begins to sweat* Not much man, just chillen out mainly. Got a ton of **** to take care of too, you know, busy a lot. You been good? Good man. Well anyway gonna run got **** to get done

neighbor: Yah, good talken to ya, take care dude.

either/or: Later man.

I'll be honest. When I used to live with my parents I would dread getting phone calls from relatives at Christmas/Thanksgiving. I feared they would ask "So what have you been up to?" only for me to pull out the overused phrase "Nothing, much - just resting up". What would they think of me for continuing to live dependently without a "wow your socks off" type of job? What would they think if I spent most of my free time on leisure type activities? Would they see me as a spoiled brat feasting off my parents parasitically? Would they think a person such as myself who is now an adult should be doing better things? Would that then lead to them comparing me to my more talented and high achieving cousins?

But hey, sometimes even my parents didn't even want to talk to my grandparents. When my turn was over and it was their turn to speak they would give me the stone face or wave their hands NO! like they didn't want to be bothered either. I think because of the distance, my extended family has grown apart and created awkwardness that would not have existed if we lived closer together.

Anyway I mention this because I see a theme in your posts in this thread - you feel that you HAVE TO look BUSY for your neighbors. But for what reason? What do you have in mind when you think about busyness? What do busy people do? Is busyness itself enough or are there particular activities you have in mind? What degree of busyness is satisfactory? Cramming your schedule so that you have activities lined up back to back day after day for years? Or something less extreme? In what way do you fail by not meeting your standard of keeping busy? I think this is worth exploring in depth (could make for an interesting blog and help you find the cause of your SA).

John 3:16 (NIV) For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
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post #23 of 26 (permalink) Old 07-05-2020, 10:30 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by fire mage64 View Post
Would you feel comfortable saying something like that in person? Who knows, you could end up meeting someone new or going to a show with one of your neighbors.

Hell no lol. I'd feel majorly uncomfortable. I'm totally avoidant. I generally sway any conversations away from future conversations or interactions. Not because I do not like the person, but because I am just so uncomfortable in social situations, especially 1 on 1.



Quote:

I think its worth an attempt because in the fight against SA you are winning whether there is a rejection or there is acceptance. If there is rejection you can talk about what happened here and we will all support you and give advice!! If all goes well you may get to meet someone new or end up hanging out with your neighbor.
I think I'm more afraid of acceptance than rejection lol - acceptance would be difficult because it would mean future interactions.



Appreciate your support though, really do. Makes me feel better to know someone understands and isn't judging.


Quote:
Anyway I mention this because I see a theme in your posts in this thread - you feel that you HAVE TO look BUSY for your neighbors. But for what reason? What do you have in mind when you think about busyness? What do busy people do? Is busyness itself enough or are there particular activities you have in mind? What degree of busyness is satisfactory? Cramming your schedule so that you have activities lined up back to back day after day for years? Or something less extreme? In what way do you fail by not meeting your standard of keeping busy? I think this is worth exploring in depth (could make for an interesting blog and help you find the cause of your SA).
You're right, this is completely true. I always need to keep up appearances so to speak. I want people to think I have a social life that is as busy as their own. To me, that is the ultimate currency. To be "in demand." It's a measure of your worth within society. This may be a bias - but it is how I feel. So by being home a lot, I feel as though I am worth less to society than others, and it is my neighbors who take notice of this deficit. I suppose I shouldn't feel this way but I think about it eternally.


I've been out haunting the neighborhood
And everybody can see I'm no good
When I'm walking out between parked cars
With my head full of stars
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post #24 of 26 (permalink) Old 07-07-2020, 05:18 PM
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I think I'm more afraid of acceptance than rejection lol - acceptance would be difficult because it would mean future interactions.
Yes, its true that there could be future interactions and with it may come expectations.

Strangers are easier to be around because you don't have to deal with them again. But with people you know, its easy to feel you have to "keep up the performance" like you did last time.

Choosing to take that step forward can feel like standing in line for the world's scariest roller coaster. How high is the hill? Will my seat belt stay on? What will the drop feel like? Am I really secure going upside down? What about the one kid in the news article who fell out ? Those types of feelings can happen each time you try to collect what little motivation you have left and push forward.

But when you're ready to step out of the comfort zone and go full speed ahead, it is so worth it!

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Originally Posted by either/or View Post
Appreciate your support though, really do. Makes me feel better to know someone understands and isn't judging.
No problem! We've all had some kind of experience with SA and this community is great about making you feel like you're not alone.


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Originally Posted by either/or View Post
You're right, this is completely true. I always need to keep up appearances so to speak. I want people to think I have a social life that is as busy as their own. To me, that is the ultimate currency. To be "in demand." It's a measure of your worth within society. This may be a bias - but it is how I feel. So by being home a lot, I feel as though I am worth less to society than others, and it is my neighbors who take notice of this deficit. I suppose I shouldn't feel this way but I think about it eternally.
I kind of felt that way in university. There were students who did things like join a lot of clubs, work part time, tutor, take leadership roles, win scholarships, party, be part of a research team etc. Meanwhile all I did outside of studying full time was join the anime club. Back when I had no clue what I wanted to do in life, it could be really depressing knowing that someone out there on campus was accomplishing so much more than me. From high school to college there is the pressure of appearing well rounded so that you get in. Then at the end of college there is the strain of needing to "be somebody" important, with an endless list of networking contacts and references. There is the feeling of needing to shout your voice louder than everyone else so you can be noticed or at least considered to be at the same level as your peers.

But then...

I found out what I wanted to do in life. And it wasn't to become a doctor. Or a physical therapist. Or a nurse. Or a school teacher. Or a chef/zoo keeper/accountant/I.T. specialist/computer programmer (I actually cycled through all these occupations at first!!!).

I decided I genuinely wanted to become a medical coder.

How many things did I scratch off my "list of things that a well accomplished person should have?"
Well being a medical coder means that:

I don't make $100,000 a year
I don't socialize and make connections with "important people"
I help patients indirectly, behind the scenes and they will never know it
I am not as well known as a special guest speaker or leader
I have absolutely no intention of becoming a supervisor or manager

But those things no longer matter to me because I'm doing what I want to do all day. My work is not "work" to me - instead it is like an enjoyable mentally stimulating puzzle/activity that I can play with for 8 hours. I will never have to "work" a day in my life again because to me my work is a privilege.

These days I have completely rewritten my value system. I want to add value to society in a different way than what people expect.

John 3:16 (NIV) For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
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post #25 of 26 (permalink) Old 07-07-2020, 05:21 PM
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No - it doesn't matter what anyone thinks here. The main thing you need to worry about is that no-one gets violent.
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post #26 of 26 (permalink) Old Yesterday, 07:32 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fire mage64 View Post
Strangers are easier to be around because you don't have to deal with them again. But with people you know, its easy to feel you have to "keep up the performance" like you did last time.
Yes exactly. I find it so much easier to be around people when there is no commitment, when it doesn't matter if they like you or not because you will never see them again. Or sometimes with people at work because you're only together because you work together so you don't have to worry if they like you think you're interesting / funny / whatever. There is no pressure. Its hard to learn how to just be, just be in the moment, and not try to "perform" so to speak.


Quote:
I decided I genuinely wanted to become a medical coder.

How many things did I scratch off my "list of things that a well accomplished person should have?"
Well being a medical coder means that:

I don't make $100,000 a year
I don't socialize and make connections with "important people"
I help patients indirectly, behind the scenes and they will never know it
I am not as well known as a special guest speaker or leader
I have absolutely no intention of becoming a supervisor or manager

But those things no longer matter to me because I'm doing what I want to do all day. My work is not "work" to me - instead it is like an enjoyable mentally stimulating puzzle/activity that I can play with for 8 hours. I will never have to "work" a day in my life again because to me my work is a privilege.

These days I have completely rewritten my value system. I want to add value to society in a different way than what people expect.
Well I'm really happy for you that you've found something you're passionate about and love to do! I actually pretty much hate my job personally, lol. But I grind it out every day so that I can hopefully save up some money and maybe someday do something I am passionate about but where I make less money. So I think we're on the same wavelength there. Money and status aren't everything. I used to place a lot more importance on them but now I'm starting to realize they won't bring happiness. I mean who wants to spend their best years killing themselves just to get a bunch of promotions when they won't ever have any time to actually enjoy life or more importantly understand what life is really about? Its not just about chasing carrots to impress your neighbors. And so yeah I am starting to learn to live for whats important and not what I fee other people think is important.


I've been out haunting the neighborhood
And everybody can see I'm no good
When I'm walking out between parked cars
With my head full of stars
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