it's getting easier to brush stuff of my shoulder, and i do feel A LOT better when i can distract myself with work and all that it gives me (shelter, toys, food, internet and whatnot), but at the same time , the older i get i realise how fragile my life and my lifestyle is.
i want to live an indepedent life but it seems impossible. i can't take a break from reality, like ever
. i can't relax at all. work has become my lifeline, funny because it used to feel like a living nightmare. at work i can reset my mind and sort of shake off the painful thoughts i get when i'm alone.
i've been trying to carve out a life of my own. in my teen years and early twenties i wanted to abandon my family. now i'd be content if i could at least live my life without being contacted by them for at least a few weeks. my introversion demands that i take a break from life and people fairly often. if i see person X on monday, i don't want to meet them again for at least another week, but during that time i could meet up with person Y on e.g wednesday, since i haven't had "person Y stimuli" for a while. it's funny (tragic) because i wasn't allowed to have much privacy during my upbringing, and if i take a step back i can see that my entire life has been molded from this circumstance. all i want is to be left alone. i don't want my coworkers to know what i'm doing in my spare time. i don't want my family to know either. i don't want friends to know either (when i had them). i'm a secretive person and i want it to stay that way.
i've had a few weekends where i could actually stop thinking about my life and just relax, but those weekends happen more seldom as time goes by... i've begun to look forward to the work week more often...
at the same time, i've become stronger and/or more desensitized towards all the SHXT in my life, towards all the SHXT that humans do to me, which makes it "easier" to deal with. like... i'm extremely depressed now, but i can barely feel it. i just "know" that i am.
are my best years behind me? maybe. i was definitely happier before, but i was younger, more naive... so maybe that doesn't count?
I don't push myself as much as I used to because I feel like I've hit the point where I feel like I've maxed out my potential. I'm not sure if that's better or worse.
I'm going in both directions at once.