Are You Getting Better or Worse? - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-30-2019, 03:19 AM Thread Starter
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Are You Getting Better or Worse?


I'm getting worse. I have more self doubt.

I'm more anxious and depressed. More awkward. I will randomly feel like crying. I'm isolating and keeping to myself, and not pushing myself to socialise.
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post #2 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-30-2019, 03:30 AM
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Originally Posted by melancholyscorpio View Post
I'm getting worse. I have more self doubt.

I'm more anxious and depressed. More awkward. I will randomly feel like crying. I'm isolating and keeping to myself, and not pushing myself to socialise.
Same here. I don't think I'm more awkward - I can talk to people and whatever but I've just been hiding myself away, and after a while it gets harder to get out there again.

I'm starting to feel like I'm going mad with boredom. Watching stuff on Youtube, reading this forum, etc - for God's sake. It's pathetic.

I think what you say about self-doubt is what I'm feeling too. The problem is that I look back on a lot of things I did even just a few years ago and it scares the hell out of me. I need to try and find a middle ground - something not too crazy but isn't boring.
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post #3 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-30-2019, 06:07 AM
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I’m getting better, but slowly. Sometimes I still feel like I did while my SA was at its worst, and it makes me think I’ll never get better. The same thing that made me feel like I’ll never get better showed me that I have probably improved in one way, but that I need to keep thinking about it differently like I had been.

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post #4 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-30-2019, 09:43 AM
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I don't push myself as much as I used to because I feel like I've hit the point where I feel like I've maxed out my potential. I'm not sure if that's better or worse.

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As sinews do, with age.
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post #5 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-30-2019, 09:45 AM
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Atm I am suffering from pretty bad burnout. Too much stress from too many angles. Overall the general direction has been better and better, have done loads of new stuff this year, conversation much better, focus much better etc. Relationship breakup sent me over the edge though and am really struggling right now. I think its probably transitory, though.

Enough about me, lets talk about you, what do you think about me?
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post #6 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-30-2019, 09:50 AM
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There isn't anyone on this planet I can relate to, and I have no way to distract myself right now until I build my new PC. Being completely alone isn't fun. I've felt pretty down the last couple of days too.

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post #7 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-30-2019, 10:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Persephone The Dread View Post
There isn't anyone on this planet I can relate to, and I have no way to distract myself right now until I build my new PC. Being completely alone isn't fun. I've felt pretty down the last couple of days too.
Sorry Persephone. Aloneness can be excruciating.

Enough about me, lets talk about you, what do you think about me?
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post #8 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-30-2019, 10:07 AM
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Sorry Persephone. Aloneness can be excruciating.
Thanks.

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post #9 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-30-2019, 10:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Persephone The Dread View Post
There isn't anyone on this planet I can relate to, and I have no way to distract myself right now until I build my new PC. Being completely alone isn't fun. I've felt pretty down the last couple of days too.
What kind of PC are going to build? I bought a new one a few weeks ago.

Ryzen 3900X
32 gb DDR4 3800 mhz
Gigabyte aorus X570
Vega 56 ( but I no longer really play si didn't bother upgrading this)

Fully watercooled

The picture was taken before the upgrade but I only wanted to show thé custom loop
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post #10 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-30-2019, 10:39 AM
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What kind of PC are going to build? I bought a new one a few weeks ago.

Ryzen 3900X
32 gb DDR4 3800 mhz
Gigabyte aorus X570
Vega 56 ( but I no longer really play si didn't bother upgrading this)

Fully watercooled

The picture was taken before the upgrade but I only wanted to show thé custom loop
After my harddrive got messed up and I couldn't boot or reinstall Windows on it (though seems to be accessible as a storage drive after messing around with some permission stuff,) I decided I wanted to get an ssd (Samsung 970 evo plus, 250gb) but that meant I needed to get a new motherboard + processor and now RAM too since mine won't be compatible. Keeping my graphics card though (gtx 970,) since I upgraded that a few years ago (other parts besides harddrive are from 2010.)


I'm going to get a Ryzen 5 2600 I think (it's better than my i7-920 afaik, but so much cheaper which is weird but that's intel vs AMD I guess,) still need to figure out a motherboard.

Initially I was looking at a MSI Bazooka b450m motherboard, but it doesn't seem like a lot of people have tried that combination. On r/buildapc they seem to really like the MSI b450 tomahawk but it's to the point where it seems to have developed a cult following.

RAM I'm probably going to get Corsair Vengeance lpx 8GB ddr4-3000mhz. I found it weirdly cheap on one site and I'm not sure if it's a mistake in the listing since it's about Ł20 more expensive on Amazon. I figure I can upgrade it later if I need to to 16gb (since there are some future games I would be interested in playing plus games I own and still have to play. I know for many games 8GB is minimum now, though I haven't been gaming recently besides Runescape.) In my current PC build I have 6gb RAM so still an improvement.

My old build had some issues with it being slow to load while saving or opening files (harddrive replacement did not fix that much from what I remember,) and also crashing during certain video loading screens. So I'd have to download mods to stop intro videos working in The Sims 3 and removed the video intro files I think for another game I played where it happened (might have been one of The Witcher games..) I'm hoping I don't have those issues again.

I will probably have to buy another harddrive for storage later too. I'm hoping to plug in my current one and also use my 1tb external one for now though.

Quote:
Please don't attempt to raid Nevada to 'see them aliens' as part of the internet's joke du jour, the US air force will not be amused.
Slavoj Žižek on the horrors of tulips.

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post #11 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-30-2019, 11:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Persephone The Dread View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by EndTimes View Post
What kind of PC are going to build? I bought a new one a few weeks ago.

Ryzen 3900X
32 gb DDR4 3800 mhz
Gigabyte aorus X570
Vega 56 ( but I no longer really play si didn't bother upgrading this)

Fully watercooled

The picture was taken before the upgrade but I only wanted to show thé custom loop
After my harddrive got messed up and I couldn't boot or reinstall Windows on it (though seems to be accessible as a storage drive after messing around with some permission stuff,) I decided I wanted to get an ssd (Samsung 970 evo plus, 250gb) but that meant I needed to get a new motherboard + processor and now RAM too since mine won't be compatible. Keeping my graphics card though (gtx 970,) since I upgraded that a few years ago (other parts besides harddrive are from 2010.)


I'm going to get a Ryzen 5 2600 I think (it's better than my i7-920 afaik, but so much cheaper which is weird but that's intel vs AMD I guess,) still need to figure out a motherboard.

Initially I was looking at a MSI Bazooka b450m motherboard, but it doesn't seem like a lot of people have tried that combination. On r/buildapc they seem to really like the MSI b450 tomahawk but it's to the point where it seems to have developed a cult following.

RAM I'm probably going to get Corsair Vengeance lpx 8GB ddr4-3000mhz. I found it weirdly cheap on one site and I'm not sure if it's a mistake in the listing since it's about Ł20 more expensive on Amazon. I figure I can upgrade it later if I need to to 16gb (since there are some future games I would be interested in playing plus games I own and still have to play. I know for many games 8GB is minimum now, though I haven't been gaming recently besides Runescape.) In my current PC build I have 6gb RAM so still an improvement.

My old build had some issues with it being slow to load while saving or opening files (harddrive replacement did not fix that much from what I remember,) and also crashing during certain video loading screens. So I'd have to download mods to stop intro videos working in The Sims 3 and removed the video intro files I think for another game I played where it happened (might have been one of The Witcher games..) I'm hoping I don't have those issues again.

I will probably have to buy another harddrive for storage later too. I'm hoping to plug in my current one and also use my 1tb external one for now though.
Ryzen 2600 is a good choice. If you can afford it, the Ryzen 3600 would be better.

As for the SSD, if you really want something that loads programs and boots fast, a nvme ssd is the way to go. And they are barely more expensive than sata SSD nowadays.

For the motherboard, I can't help you. But unless you need many USB ports, sata ports, wifi on board etc, you can go for a cheap one.

For the ram I strongly advice you two sticks. The 2600 works in dual channel mode. If you only use one 8 gb stick, you will cripple its performance.


Anyway, it will perform way better than your 920.

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post #12 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-30-2019, 11:45 AM
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Ryzen 2600 is a good choice. If you can afford it, the Ryzen 3600 would be better.

As for the SSD, if you really want something that loads programs and boots fast, a nvme ssd is the way to go. And they are barely more expensive than sata SSD nowadays.

For the motherboard, I can't help you. But unless you need many USB ports, sata ports, wifi on board etc, you can go for a cheap one.

For the ram I strongly advice you two sticks. The 2600 works in dual channel mode. If you only use one 8 gb stick, you will cripple its performance.


Anyway, it will perform way better than your 920.
Yeah I'm getting a nvme ssd seems pretty fast in videos I found on YT, and dual channel ram.

The 3600 is a bit too expensive for me I think, so will probably stick with the 2600.

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Please don't attempt to raid Nevada to 'see them aliens' as part of the internet's joke du jour, the US air force will not be amused.
Slavoj Žižek on the horrors of tulips.

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post #13 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-30-2019, 11:51 AM
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post #14 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-30-2019, 11:52 AM
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Originally Posted by melancholyscorpio View Post
I'm getting worse. I have more self doubt.

I'm more anxious and depressed. More awkward. I will randomly feel like crying. I'm isolating and keeping to myself, and not pushing myself to socialise.

The more I socialize, the better i get. It's like a muscle that needs exercise.
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post #15 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-30-2019, 11:52 AM
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I feel like everytime I'm seeing a counselor I make improvements and feel better and then as soon as insurance says I have to stop going I relapse completely.
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post #16 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-30-2019, 11:55 AM
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Both.

I've noticed I've become less open and more quiet - it's feeling impossible to talk at class (although, part of it might be because of all the non-social worries I have atm, for example I am officially homeless as I had to move for school, and I have to live with people I know cos of that - can't find an apartment)

But I've also reached out to my older friends, 2 of them primarily (but I've also met others).
All of them have responded positively.

I always just used to lose contact, and one of the friends is one I value exceptionally, as he's the only one I feel is actually interested in the same things and can catch up to my thoughts, so that makes room for very interesting discussions.


I feel like I am not social, but through work I can do the things I find valuable, and I can excuse myself from the rest, without feeling guilty.


"If you need a safe space, see a therapist" - Jordan Peterson
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post #17 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-30-2019, 02:04 PM
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^ 'radio won't even play my jam'

And your record company's YT channel will censor half the words lol.

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Please don't attempt to raid Nevada to 'see them aliens' as part of the internet's joke du jour, the US air force will not be amused.
Slavoj Žižek on the horrors of tulips.

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post #18 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-30-2019, 02:14 PM
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I haven't got any worse or better.

The universe expects me to get better with time though, so adjusting for that, I assume this means I've gotten worse?

I'm more comfortable with the idea that I'm going to deal with near-total isolation and a lot of mental illness for the rest of my life. I guess I'm in the late stages of grief in a way? So I guess that means I'm better?

Though, there are a few things happening in the future that I worry vaguely about; family dying, cat dying, getting too old, etc.

My cat's really old. Why can't cats live as long as tortoises? How does God decide these things?

Ma 'alena
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post #19 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-30-2019, 02:21 PM
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I think due to socialising with meetup a bit more recently social capital is on the increase. a lack of social capital has been problem #1 (or maybe #2) for a long long time.

I've had a close friend for almost 2 years and I'm doing better with the meetup people, theres more of a group like I had in previous city.

when I had a social group the last time it was much easier to find a gf. hopefully it will improve my chances again. also there is a decent amount of distractions and support etc.

and since my laptop broke I am actually doing better? and also winter is just about over.

my feelings did go a bit **** and out of control for a little while but that's more of a good sign that I can actually have feelings and managed it pretty ok.

in general... my psychology doesn't need to change. I'm super happy with who I am and how I am. I'm good anxiety wise and avoidance wise I just need more social capital to feel secure.

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post #20 of 71 (permalink) Old 08-30-2019, 04:10 PM
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Anxiety wise I don't think I'm any worse, and I'm actually getting stronger living like this. It's just been weird living on my own after so long with my wife and son. It takes a lot of getting used to - probably even moreso for someone like me. It's always taken me ages to adjust.

I feel like I'm at a strange age. You get to this point and in a sense if you want to you can just sit around and do whatever you like - there's no pressure to change, it has to come from me as I know my wife and my son are quite happy no matter what I do. (well, within reason for my wife)

I do worry about my mental health - not the anxiety though. I know I'll get manic again - I always do. And atm I'm only taking a very low dose of medication - because it makes me tired and dizzy. I hate it. So I really have to watch that as I don't want to get into trouble.
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