Hello guys, I have not been here for a very long time, when I realized that going around SAS website kind of labeled me as social anxious. So I left SAS around one year and half ago and I honestly feel like my anxiety went better.
Lately, even if I almost got rid of all the anxiety, I experienced depression and I felt really low (this I didn't manage to get rid of, unfortunately), and I felt like I had to tell somebody what was going on, since I am not able to tell this to anyone I know.
Shortly, I have always been a shy and quiet person with no real "close friend" neither girlfriend. I noticed I had SA during my first year at university (I was 19-20 and still living with my mother and my brother) when I realized I couldn't do any oral presentation or attend student party without feeling really sick and stressed out, therefore I always ended up leaving or avoiding this kind of events. I started talking to a therapist and taking medications but it didn't get much better, I still felt very lonely, depressed and not comfortable when interacting with others.
I got my 2 years diploma and wanted to pursue my studies with a bachelor degree, but I made a mistake when I choose my major and I didn't picke the one I wanted more. So I had to go through one year studying something I wasn't very excited about, with a bunch of douch I never became friend with, having lunch alone every day and so on. During this year I also did an internship which was quite interesting, though I was also alone all day long, and I miserably crushed on an abroad student who worked in my team. I tried to contact her but I honestly think I didn't do it the best way I could, she never answered me. At the same time my grand father, whom I was really close to, passed away. I was moving to another place too, so in a way, all the ****ty parts of my life just added together at this time. Therefore I had a really bad time, struggling with depression and SA. I had a lot of suicidal thoughts but never really considered this as a solution, I did some self-harming though, I don't really know why, but I had to do it to feel "better".
After I graduated, I had the opportunity to do an additional year to get another bachelor in the field I really liked, so I took this opportunity. And it was such a good choice ! I met really nice guys and girls, studies went really well, I really worked on my anxiety and I clearly saw the results, although I still didn't have close friends and feeling lonely and with some moments of depression, it was much better than before.
I followed with a master's degree and I just finished my first year. Once again, nice people, interesting subject and I found an internship in Sweden, which I really wanted to do. It was my first experience abroad in the frame of my studies, and a girl from my class just found one in the same city as I found mine. By chance we were working in the same building, I didn't really know her at the beginning but she was actually a really nice girl, we saw each other for lunch, coffee break, we spent our weekends visiting together, everything went so fine a way I couldn't imagine and I didn't experience any anxiety around her.
I came back home after 10 weeks and she did the same(at her parents place, not in my town). We just texted each other a few time since then, and she used to answer only a day or more after I wrote her something, but did like she was happy to come later in my town... She is supposed to be around soon, I don't know what to expect.
Although we spent a lot of time together, I don't feel like there was any romantic connection between us and I feel like a complete failure not being able to connect with someone luckily put on my side for such a long time. I feel like we won't meet that much in the future and I wasted it I don't know how...
During the few days after I came back in my country, I started to feel really depressed, I am pretty sure I was not missing her, but I had some great time there and now I'm in room, with no friends I can hang out with, still doing my usual hobbies but not really enjoying life. The classmates I used to have good relations with at university, they do not try to contact me in order to plan something for the summer. I feel like as soon as I "physically" leave someone, I am definitively forgotten although I found things went well...
I don't know if it easy to understand by reading my message, but it clearly sucks being lonely, especially when you are trying hard to connect with people...
Have a nice day though