Afraid of opening up to people
I constantly flip back and forth between wanting friends and just wanting to remain a loner for a myriad of reasons. But I just recently found out one of my biggest fears about getting closet to people - having to open up.
One of the most important aspects of friendship is being able to share your feelings with people, and I'm afraid of doing that.
Especially being a guy, I don't want anyone to think I'm a lonely, awkward loser. I don't want to appear like a human being with feelings and fears and problems. If I had anyone to confide in, they'd learn that I'm secretly lonely (and I often lie to myself that I'm not lonely, and that I haven't had any friends in years, I have a very hard time maintaining friends and I drift away from everyone because I don't know anything about friendship. I don't want anyone to know that I'm afraid of being judged, and I hate the idea of people finding out who I truly am - a lonely, awkward person.
I want to be a rock. I want everyone to just see me as a "normal guy". I want to appear cool and collected. I'm afraid of emotions, I'm afraid of intimacy, and I'm afraid of revealing myself.
I don't know what to do.