Acceptance - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #1 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-16-2010, 03:47 AM Thread Starter
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Acceptance


Why should anyone feel bad about being a social anxiety sufferer? Why must we feel pressured by others or ourselves into being more normal? In my view there is nothing wrong about being this way and it is mostly due to ignorance about the condition that other people make us feel bad about it like it's something that can be easily changed. It is not like you would tell a gay person to be straight or a short person to be taller. What are your thoughts?
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post #2 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-16-2010, 04:09 AM
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Andy, I don't want to sound shrewish or cynical but this post is annoying cos you don't get it.

FFS s.a is nothing like being gay and the reason it's wrong is because it's a mental disorder.

It DOES need correcting, no matter how much the s.a person protests of hides away they DO need to get back out and live a normal life cos otherwise they will. not. be. happy.

They'll be less anxious, they'll DEFINATELY be less anxious but they will. not. be. happy.

Human beings are social creatures who, like any other animal, avoid fear and seeks pleasure, THATS why we hide cos we can't cope out there, but 'OUT THERE' is the ONLY world there is and the ONLY life we have.

Even if an s.a person says they don't want friends, they don't want a lover or a legitimate claim to holidays, their own wedding, their own kids, their own house, their own job etc this is denial but they often don't realise they DO want some or all of those things. Trust me, they really do.

The biggest mistake you can make in life is to be continually afraid of making one-Elbert Hubbard
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post #3 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-16-2010, 04:36 AM Thread Starter
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Andy, I don't want to sound shrewish or cynical but this post is annoying cos you don't get it.

FFS s.a is nothing like being gay and the reason it's wrong is because it's a mental disorder.

It DOES need correcting, no matter how much the s.a person protests of hides away they DO need to get back out and live a normal life cos otherwise they will. not. be. happy.

They'll be less anxious, they'll DEFINATELY be less anxious but they will. not. be. happy.

Human beings are social creatures who, like any other animal, avoid fear and seeks pleasure, THATS why we hide cos we can't cope out there, but 'OUT THERE' is the ONLY world there is and the ONLY life we have.

Even if an s.a person says they don't want friends, they don't want a lover or a legitimate claim to holidays, their own wedding, their own kids, their own house, their own job etc this is denial but they often don't realise they DO want some or all of those things. Trust me, they really do.
Firstly there is no conclusive proof that i or anyone can completely recover from SA, as though its like any treatable illness. I wouldn't say i was being a pessimist either or that i lack insight into this condition; i've been part of SA forums for 8 years and have spent a lot of time contemplating what it really means.

I am not saying give in, but i am more in favour of coping with SA rather than beating myself up trying to cure it. I do not believe i can radically change my personally, but i feel i can make small improvements and better understand who i am. It is not simply black and white that one will be unhappy while SA persists. Equally it could be argued that constantly feeling like SA is such a terrible predicament and that life is almost not worth living unless one can escape from it, is creating a great deal of unhappiness for oneself.

I do lead a fairly normal life in terms of relationships and work, but that is not due to me being an extrovert necessarily, i have come to accept i have certain shortcomings rather than feeling ashamed all the time and that helps me get on with life and try and make the most of the things i am good at.
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post #4 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-16-2010, 06:04 AM
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Andy, I don't want to sound shrewish or cynical but this post is annoying cos you don't get it.

FFS s.a is nothing like being gay and the reason it's wrong is because it's a mental disorder.

It DOES need correcting, no matter how much the s.a person protests of hides away they DO need to get back out and live a normal life cos otherwise they will. not. be. happy.

They'll be less anxious, they'll DEFINATELY be less anxious but they will. not. be. happy.

Human beings are social creatures who, like any other animal, avoid fear and seeks pleasure, THATS why we hide cos we can't cope out there, but 'OUT THERE' is the ONLY world there is and the ONLY life we have.

Even if an s.a person says they don't want friends, they don't want a lover or a legitimate claim to holidays, their own wedding, their own kids, their own house, their own job etc this is denial but they often don't realise they DO want some or all of those things. Trust me, they really do.
"IT" does NOT need "correcting."

It is a mental disorder but only needs adjustment if you are a danger for yourself or for others!!! Defining "normal" is also very dangerous!
In my books 90 per cent of society is nuts in one way or the other!!!
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post #6 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-16-2010, 07:14 AM Thread Starter
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"IT" does NOT need "correcting."

It is a mental disorder but only needs adjustment if you are a danger for yourself or for others!!! Defining "normal" is also very dangerous!

I can name you many, many mental and behavioural disorders in our western society, but those are considered as "confidence", "assertiveness", "focussed".

In my books 90 per cent of society is nuts in one way or the other!!!

If you consider a "normal" life and "being happy" doing what the majority/everybody else does, you still have a loooong way ahead of you with dealing with SA!!!

Same with the definition of "being social." Ever heard of "quality versus quantity?"

Our society is not for individuals. People are easier to control and to please when they are all very alike.

I fully agree with Andy!
We should learn to accept ourselves and only learn how we can become content and lead a good life. That is possible with SA!

And that might not necessarily mean being like and living like everybody else!
I'm glad you are coming to terms with it as well. I spent a lot of my 20s struggling against it and almost had an inferiority complex. I would avoid living life, because i felt i couldn't operate at a normal level and therefore there was no point even trying. These days i am trying to accept a lot of it and i find that works a lot better for me than setting myself impossible standards to aspire to. I'm finding most people, except the usual arseholes, will not hold it against you much.

How is Germany these days? About a decade ago i spent a very enjoyable year there and picked up the language quite well.
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post #7 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-16-2010, 07:27 AM
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I disagree, S.A if left untreated can seriously damage your quality of life to an almost unsalvagable level. It cripples a persons life and who they were supposed to be.

You're wrong! I'm sorry but you ARE. If something is a disorder it means it is functioning irregular and if thats the case then it isn't working properly and needs fixing.

This is a mental illness, no one should have to endure it and sau 'Oh I never wanted a degree anyway' or 'So what, I was never one for travelling abroad' or 'I never wanted kids anyway'.

How do you really know what you want unless you have complete personal freedom, getting over s.a is not just about behaving in socially accepted ways, it's about healing your mind, body & soul. It's your birthright to NOT have s.a even if you build a simple life around yourself where no-one can get to you and nothing will go wrong (or so you think), everybody is entitled to a normal life.

The biggest mistake you can make in life is to be continually afraid of making one-Elbert Hubbard
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post #8 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-16-2010, 07:41 AM
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Why should anyone feel bad about being a social anxiety sufferer? Why must we feel pressured by others or ourselves into being more normal?
We're non-social people living in a social world. Our SA prevents us from feeling like we belong... like we fit in with the rest of society. We're stuck looking in from the outside... who ever wants to be in that position?

That's not to say I think SA sufferers should 'feel' either way (good, bad, or neutral.. whatever works for the individual), but that's one of the main reasons people feel bad about it.


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post #9 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-16-2010, 08:28 AM
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I disagree, S.A if left untreated can seriously damage your quality of life to an almost unsalvagable level. It cripples a persons life and who they were supposed to be.

You're wrong! I'm sorry but you ARE. If something is a disorder it means it is functioning irregular and if thats the case then it isn't working properly and needs fixing.

This is a mental illness, no one should have to endure it and sau 'Oh I never wanted a degree anyway' or 'So what, I was never one for travelling abroad' or 'I never wanted kids anyway'.

How do you really know what you want unless you have complete personal freedom, getting over s.a is not just about behaving in socially accepted ways, it's about healing your mind, body & soul. It's your birthright to NOT have s.a even if you build a simple life around yourself where no-one can get to you and nothing will go wrong (or so you think), everybody is entitled to a normal life.
Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.

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post #10 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-16-2010, 08:43 AM
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I'm glad you are coming to terms with it as well. I spent a lot of my 20s struggling against it and almost had an inferiority complex. I would avoid living life, because i felt i couldn't operate at a normal level and therefore there was no point even trying. These days i am trying to accept a lot of it and i find that works a lot better for me than setting myself impossible standards to aspire to. I'm finding most people, except the usual arseholes, will not hold it against you much.

How is Germany these days? About a decade ago i spent a very enjoyable year there and picked up the language quite well.
Same here! I feel completely "normal", actually!
SA often makes me feel frustrated and scared but not inferior anymore!!!

Du warst schon mal in Deutschland, wie interessant!
Schön zu hören, dass Du eine gute Zeit hier verbracht hast!
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post #11 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-16-2010, 09:24 AM Thread Starter
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I disagree, S.A if left untreated can seriously damage your quality of life to an almost unsalvagable level. It cripples a persons life and who they were supposed to be.

You're wrong! I'm sorry but you ARE. If something is a disorder it means it is functioning irregular and if thats the case then it isn't working properly and needs fixing.

This is a mental illness, no one should have to endure it and sau 'Oh I never wanted a degree anyway' or 'So what, I was never one for travelling abroad' or 'I never wanted kids anyway'.

How do you really know what you want unless you have complete personal freedom, getting over s.a is not just about behaving in socially accepted ways, it's about healing your mind, body & soul. It's your birthright to NOT have s.a even if you build a simple life around yourself where no-one can get to you and nothing will go wrong (or so you think), everybody is entitled to a normal life.
You don't have to take my word for it, i'm just giving you my perspective. One of the reasons i started this topic was because i saw a news program recently with a guy talking about how he could help turn gay people straight. Now whether it is scientifically certain that things like homosexuality and SA are inbuilt is a subject of intense debate, but one things for sure in both cases people find such things extremely hard if not impossible to overcome.

My solution is to understand social anxiety as well as i can and from doing this i feel a sense of liberation, that i can do things without caring so much about what people think. I have tried to overcome it on many occasions, but whether it is due to genetics or my upbringing, i find it impossible to not experience SA on a day to day basis. I also try to learn principles of social interaction and apply them as well as i can to try and prevent bad relationships with people arising.
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post #12 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-16-2010, 11:48 AM
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Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.

You seem very obsessed with "fixing" and "correcting" mental problems!

IMO that is a wrong approach and bound to fail. The psyche is not a machine that can be easily repaired! It can only be adjusted for your individual needs.

Goal should always be that a person comes to terms with themselves and leads a content life.

The way you describe it, is the complete SA person malfunctioning. SA might influence my life a lot but is a very small percentage of my persona, thus a large part of me is pretty "normal".

IMO your attitude creates more problems and dissatisfaction for people with mental problems.
Agreed. As far as I'm concerned, I have goals I want to accomplish, and SA is just something that will have to be dealt with on the road to accomplishing them. For me it's not about becoming an outgoing person. It's about getting a job that I can make a career out of. It's about having a relationship and a few friends. Aside from being able to accomplish these things, I really don't care if I never become an outgoing person.

In some ways I like what my personality has given me, but the loneliness it brings can be pretty crushing. I'm trying to strike a balance.
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post #13 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-16-2010, 11:48 AM
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I dont know if acceptence means , doing nothing about overcoming SA, but I prefer accept it and improve your life, overcome SA.

I think you cannot live a happy life with SA. A happy life is a free life. Someone with SA is always limited in what he or she does. The thrue dreams and needs cannot become fulfilled because of anxiety.
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post #14 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-16-2010, 12:02 PM
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You seem very obsessed with "fixing" and "correcting" mental problems!

IMO that is a wrong approach and bound to fail. The psyche is not a machine that can be easily repaired! It can only be adjusted for your individual needs.
Surely the difference between "adjusting", "correcting" and "fixing" is a matter of terminology and not much else?
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post #15 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-16-2010, 12:16 PM
 
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Surely the difference between "adjusting", "correcting" and "fixing" is a matter of terminology and not much else?
Yeah but they're arguing, so that dosent matter.
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post #16 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-16-2010, 12:26 PM
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yes, there isnt really anything wrong with us. were just different.

but the current environment favors the talkative types. In order to prosper in career, friendships, relationships the current best way to do it is not the SA way.

there are environments that favor the sa way of life. certain animal species propser well by keeping their damn mouth shut, for example

but that is not the human environment!

Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the decision to act in spite of it.
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post #17 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-16-2010, 12:26 PM
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Firstly there is no conclusive proof that i or anyone can completely recover from SA, as though its like any treatable illness.
There might be a cure, I'm part of an experiment based on novel scientific literature, and it has cured about 80% of my social anxiety (and I've been a serious sufferer). In a few years time, life might look a whole lot different for most of us.
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post #18 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-16-2010, 12:58 PM
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Why should anyone feel bad about being a social anxiety sufferer? Why must we feel pressured by others or ourselves into being more normal? In my view there is nothing wrong about being this way and it is mostly due to ignorance about the condition that other people make us feel bad about it like it's something that can be easily changed. It is not like you would tell a gay person to be straight or a short person to be taller. What are your thoughts?
I agree with you. I'm gradually learning to accept myself and the way I am, but the rest of the world seems to have real difficulty accepting introverted and socially anxious personality types. That makes self-acceptance a hell of a lot harder. I'm constantly flitting between feeling content with who I am to feeling that I lack some basic quality that everyone else has and that I should be more like other people.

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There might be a cure, I'm part of an experiment based on novel scientific literature, and it has cured about 80% of my social anxiety (and I've been a serious sufferer). In a few years time, life might look a whole lot different for most of us.
That is fantastic. Congratulations!
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post #19 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-16-2010, 03:56 PM
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Why should anyone feel bad about being a social anxiety sufferer? Why must we feel pressured by others or ourselves into being more normal? In my view there is nothing wrong about being this way and it is mostly due to ignorance about the condition that other people make us feel bad about it like it's something that can be easily changed. It is not like you would tell a gay person to be straight or a short person to be taller. What are your thoughts?
This is correct to an extent. If you are happy with the way things are, its all good, bask in your happiness (as long as you aren't bringing down other ppl). If you want more than what you have, you either do things to get what you want or accept that you can't get what you want. If you're doing the latter, know that SA is NOT an incurable "disease" or something, things can be done, though it can get frustrating when you are running "in the dark" with no path to follow and no finish line. I think if you are near failure and you want more, go to a psychiatrist, and if that doesn't dramatically improve things, its a cognitive problem (it usually is) and go to a psychotherapist.
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post #20 of 40 (permalink) Old 01-16-2010, 04:11 PM
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If it were just a case of shyness, then I'd say just accept yourself and to hell with others who may have a problem with it, but it's obviously nothing to do with shyness.
If I'm ill, it takes me weeks if not months to get to the point where I can no longer put-off going to the doctor anymore - I avoid going purely because of my SA - this is obviously dangerous and I could be doing myself a lot of damage, but like many people here SA rules my life beyond any rational limits.
I wish people would stop equating SA with shyness. There's a huge difference between someone who is shy and someone with SA. Shyness is a personality trait. SA is a serious disorder that can ruin your life regardless of social expectations of others (I live a virtually secluded existence and it still rules my life).

Being gay doesn't have a negative impact on my life, so that's easy to accept.

I agree we should accept ourselves more in general, though. That's very good advice in my case, so thanks.

"How strange it is to be anything at all"
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