A bit of an introduction (kinda long)
Hey everyone, i'm new to the forum so I thought I would just explain my situation. I'm 17 years old, I have four brothers and two sisters, I've been suffering from SA for about a year and a half I'd say. I know its not that long compared to some of you, but its long enough that it has basically ruined my entire life.
I was always a pretty shy person, but that never stopped me from making friends and building good relationships with my family and whatnot. I was made fun of quite a bit in middle school, but I never really let it get to me that much. I just sort of lived through it, but I still had friends and everything, I was pretty funny thats what people liked about me probably.
Freshman year of high school, everything was amazing. People didnt make fun of me anymore, I was social and talkative, everything seemed to be looking up for me. (I also started smoking weed about halfway through freshman year). Me and my twin brother would have get-togethers at our house every friday, where all of our friends and some girls would come over and we would just chill in our basement and smoke weed all night, play poker, whatever. Good times, best times of my life in fact.
Started Sophomore year, everything was pretty alright. I was picked on by my twin brother quite a bit, but that never really bothered me much. Basically everyday after school my and my brother would go over to one of our friends house and hang out. They would usually both gang up and make fun of me for a while, until I would just go completely silent and not say anything to them (thats when they knew I was angry). I also think that this may have had something to do with why I have trouble socializing now.
Anyway, halfway through sophomore year I started noticing that I couldnt really talk to people anymore. If they said anything to me I might say a few words, and not really say much more. I wouldnt approach people to have a conversation, people would try to talk to me but it was sort of like I wasnt all there (truthfully I just didnt really know what to talk about.) But I was still able to lightly socialize, alot more than I can do now anyway.
Well, Junior year started. By this time, I was a complete failure in school. Didnt do anything really, skipped class quite a bit. After school, me and my brother would usually hang out with our group of friends, smoke weed, chill. I wouldnt really say much of anything, I was just kind of the tag-along guy that would just always be there because my brother was there. Girls that I used to talk to started to find me creepy probably, just because I never had anything to say and usually would just sit silent somewhere. I was usually lost in my own thoughts and worries about what everyone else was thinking about me (because I never talked). Things just started to feel so awkward around people.
Well, I dropped out of public school because I was just doing terrible, and started doing a homeschool program. This might have made things a bit worse because since I didnt live in the same town as all of my friends, I didnt get to see them as much. I pretty much went this whole winter without saying a word to any of my friends. (This is also about the time I started feeling awkwardness when trying to talking to my family, which I never really had problems with). They started not inviting me to go fishing with them, which we used to do all the time. This really hurt me and for about a month I was severely depressed.
Now, whenever I'm in a social situation i feel incredibly uncomfortable. If I try to say something it just sort of cackles and my voice kind of shakes or falls out. I might try to mumble a few words but people usually don't hear me, or they just dont respond due to my odd tone or something of that sort. I pray every day that god will lead me out of this hole that I've dug myself into. I seriously feel like i'm never going to get better and i'm just doomed to a life of loneliness and isolation. I just want to be normal again, I want to be able to make people laugh again, I want my friends back, I want my family back. I just want my life back. Sorry this is really long, I just really had to get some stuff out.
If you read through the whole thing, thanks. And if you have any techniques or suggestions on how I might help myself they would be greatly appreciated.