40 year old virgin! - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-12-2009, 01:10 AM Thread Starter
 
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40 year old virgin!


That is what I don't want to end up as (the entirety of what the metaphor implies, not just the sex). I'm not sure if I have SA (or if I even believe that it exists - sorry), but it just seems like a lot of the "symptoms" that are talked about on this forum are Very Very similar to what goes through my head when I encounter people or anything like that - I can't even begin to explain all of it actually, and it really is frustrating.

But basically I'm a guy and I'm 18 in my last year of high school and I'm probably one of the shyest/weirdest people ever. I recall in Gr 9 and 10 I couldn't make friends with anyone in my classes cause I just felt so anxious and ****ed up when I was about to start a conversation so I resorted to either hiding in the library at lunch at one of those closed study things, or hiding in a washroom stall. Now that I think of it, it's actually extremely messed up: I knew that people would eventually see me every day in the library, so the washroom stall was a way of sort of "covering my tracks" - ("oh well he's not Always in the library, I guess he has friends or something."). And then, after I suspected some kids who liked to bother me knew I was hiding in the washroom eating lunch (no "big fish", just the petty thugs who no one likes anyway - not too bad), I started to "take walks" at lunch time around the local ravine (they caught me once!). I eventually got out of this after one odd (but in a different way) guy befriended me in Gr 10, leading me to end up with two to three guys I stick around and am not that inhibited with.

I'm not sure if any of that has any relevance to you guys or if anyone in the history of western civilization has ever done something as socially awkward and ****ed-to-hell as that, or if I'm just extremely strange for doing it and so should not talk to anyone anyway. But as far as I can see, a kid who acts like that around other kids has some social issue. The reason I think it might be SA is because in Gr 9 I was given a free "SA questionnaire" in one of my classes to be filled out and handed in (I don't think it was mandatory). I read the questions and thought, "what the ****, I fit this description 100%, there are other people with no friends? It's not supposed to be shameful and require repression of memories to deal with?" (I still try to forget most of those years when I can, sort of how a reformed convict might choose to forget prison and start all over again). Anyway, being the shy little kid I was, there was no way in hell I was going to hand that in and be called down to the office one day over the PA for everyone to hear: "so-and-so, please come to the office immediately, your social retardation has been identified. Report now for transfer to a Nutjob camp!" So lucky for me, the teacher never asked for it back - she must have forgotten. (When I think about it, that is Absolutely ****ing Sad - the only chance some kid in trouble could have had was simply entirely forgotten about, since no one with SA would come forward themselves). Getting back to the point one more time, I've thought ever since then that I might actually have some of this strange "disorder", since my reaction to whatever I have/had seems to have been particularly weird and scary (the whole hiding from other kids thing).

But nowadays I at least do not feel like I have to escape or disappear in order to avoid everyone realizing I have no friends, because I do have a couple. I'm also rather good at giving formal presentations even for 10 minutes to a full class (but Terrible if someone were to ask me questions!), and I've even been in more formal interview situations where I've "kept the ball moving" so-to-speak. I can even talk to one or two relatively confident and out-going people without being Too anxious. Girls are a Completely different issue though, hence the title. So what I'm really wondering is if anyone who knows for sure they have SA has had a similar experience as I have, either growing up or currently. Because if it's true and I do have it, maybe I can rethink things. And maybe I shouldn't feel so guilty about not joining a soccer team, swimming lessons, summer camp, or even in school sometimes when they make you feel like not taking a "leadership role" or being and "active speaker" is a disgusting sin to god and is all your fault for being lazy and weak and cowardly...

*Also you can post tl;dr if it really is way too long to read. Just wanted to make sure I get across the point that I feel almost the Exact same way a lot of you describe on here...*
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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-12-2009, 10:50 AM
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yea you seem to have the same kind of problems as all of us, and you're 18 so it's a good time to start working on them. also, a lot of people hate high school and then they grow up to be completely different or at least somewhat happy.
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-12-2009, 11:28 AM
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Yes, i had similar issues in HS. And even before then. I was so shy, there was just no word to describe it (until a few years ago when i discovered social anxiety existed and i wasn't the only one who had it). In Junior High i had absolutely no friends. And i was a huge target for being picked on. Every day i was there, that's all I'd think about was running away. FAR away. Every moment it was "GET ME OUTTA HERE!". And the taunting and harassment i endured had escalated to the point where, every day after school, i'd go run and hide in a ditch... literally. And wait for at least 10 minutes until every one had left school. Then i could walk home peacefully without being threatened of being beaten the **** out of.

In HS is started wearing all black. Walked around with this "Leave me the **** alone expression on my face (Which i'm still trying to get rid of---8 years later). And it seemed to have worked somewhat, for making people stay away from me. I had 3 "friends". And with my luck, they'd typically have different lunch periods then me. So i think when i was a junior, i spent the entire year spending my lunches out in the hallway sitting on the floor. My meal consisted of 2 large Reeses PB cups and i'd sit there doodling in my notebook. But then people would start coming out of the cafeteria and wait for the asst principles to remove the gates (because we were caged animals) so we could go back to class. The freshmen would start picking on me. THE FRESHMAN! I couldn't even stand up for myself. That's all i would think about was killing myself because i felt this world just didn't have a place for me at all. That it'd ALWAYS be like that. I was such a socially awkward person, everyone thought i was a weirdo freak. And they never held themselves back from letting me know their opinions of me.

Then came community college. The good news... well... the great news is.... no one gives a **** what you do in college. In HS it's different. If your weird, if you don't "fit in". It's this big deal. But in college, you do your own thing. Most people do. I am one of many in my class who do my work and keep to myself. And no one gives me ****. I'm just there to get a degree, not make friends. It's no big deal. It's a whole nother world really. It didn't matter if i ate alone in the cafeteria, or sat alone in the library, or whatever. Although the first year, i did eat my lunch in my car because i was so used to hiding from everyone. And i started working for the campus bookstore... and i started making friends. I came out of my shell a bit and people started liking me. And then at 21... i had gotten a bf.

It sounds like your in the right place (Here at SAS). Only a few more months and you'll be rid of the burden of the HS bull-****. Things change. I'm not saying your SA will disappear. It's something you have to work on. But i think graduating will be a relief for you. I hope your considering college.

You couldn't pay me to go back to HS ever!!!
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-13-2009, 11:56 AM
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lol i used to go to different areas of the school too so the same people wouldnt see me everyday just standing there. id pretend that i had homework to do so that i didnt just sit there and i had a reason to not be talking to anyone. getting a job was a big step for me. you just do your work and can talk to people if you feel like it. you are not obligated to make friends so its much easier than high school. there are a few people i talk to at work (but i dont hang out with out of work) and there are some people i dont talk to at all. not because i dont want to just because im not as comfortable with them. i hope to maybe start hanging out with them out of work but they are all older than me and leaving to college and such.
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-13-2009, 11:07 PM
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God I hated that movie, it makes people that are 40 year old virgins look like losers, filmmakers don't realize that people have feelings and are really sensitive to that sort of thing.
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 04-14-2009, 04:53 AM
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Didn't bother reading all that but I think I'll survive.
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 12-22-2011, 03:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sabueed View Post
God I hated that movie, it makes people that are 40 year old virgins look like losers, filmmakers don't realize that people have feelings and are really sensitive to that sort of thing.
Those people WILL pay come judgment day!!!
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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 12-22-2011, 07:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sabueed View Post
God I hated that movie, it makes people that are 40 year old virgins look like losers, filmmakers don't realize that people have feelings and are really sensitive to that sort of thing.
Did you actually watch the movie? Because it's portraying the EXACT OPPOSITE of that.

EDIT: I didn't realize that post was from 2009, but my point still stands.
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 12-22-2011, 07:31 PM
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Omg I do the same I'm in highschool right now I either hide in the library or the bathroom stalls. In the cafe my anxiety gets so bad I also hate how I
Can't converse with people at my table
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 12-23-2011, 12:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by endoftime View Post
That is what I don't want to end up as (the entirety of what the metaphor implies, not just the sex). I'm not sure if I have SA (or if I even believe that it exists - sorry), but it just seems like a lot of the "symptoms" that are talked about on this forum are Very Very similar to what goes through my head when I encounter people or anything like that - I can't even begin to explain all of it actually, and it really is frustrating.

But basically I'm a guy and I'm 18 in my last year of high school and I'm probably one of the shyest/weirdest people ever. I recall in Gr 9 and 10 I couldn't make friends with anyone in my classes cause I just felt so anxious and ****ed up when I was about to start a conversation so I resorted to either hiding in the library at lunch at one of those closed study things, or hiding in a washroom stall. Now that I think of it, it's actually extremely messed up: I knew that people would eventually see me every day in the library, so the washroom stall was a way of sort of "covering my tracks" - ("oh well he's not Always in the library, I guess he has friends or something."). And then, after I suspected some kids who liked to bother me knew I was hiding in the washroom eating lunch (no "big fish", just the petty thugs who no one likes anyway - not too bad), I started to "take walks" at lunch time around the local ravine (they caught me once!). I eventually got out of this after one odd (but in a different way) guy befriended me in Gr 10, leading me to end up with two to three guys I stick around and am not that inhibited with.

I'm not sure if any of that has any relevance to you guys or if anyone in the history of western civilization has ever done something as socially awkward and ****ed-to-hell as that, or if I'm just extremely strange for doing it and so should not talk to anyone anyway. But as far as I can see, a kid who acts like that around other kids has some social issue. The reason I think it might be SA is because in Gr 9 I was given a free "SA questionnaire" in one of my classes to be filled out and handed in (I don't think it was mandatory). I read the questions and thought, "what the ****, I fit this description 100%, there are other people with no friends? It's not supposed to be shameful and require repression of memories to deal with?" (I still try to forget most of those years when I can, sort of how a reformed convict might choose to forget prison and start all over again). Anyway, being the shy little kid I was, there was no way in hell I was going to hand that in and be called down to the office one day over the PA for everyone to hear: "so-and-so, please come to the office immediately, your social retardation has been identified. Report now for transfer to a Nutjob camp!" So lucky for me, the teacher never asked for it back - she must have forgotten. (When I think about it, that is Absolutely ****ing Sad - the only chance some kid in trouble could have had was simply entirely forgotten about, since no one with SA would come forward themselves). Getting back to the point one more time, I've thought ever since then that I might actually have some of this strange "disorder", since my reaction to whatever I have/had seems to have been particularly weird and scary (the whole hiding from other kids thing).

But nowadays I at least do not feel like I have to escape or disappear in order to avoid everyone realizing I have no friends, because I do have a couple. I'm also rather good at giving formal presentations even for 10 minutes to a full class (but Terrible if someone were to ask me questions!), and I've even been in more formal interview situations where I've "kept the ball moving" so-to-speak. I can even talk to one or two relatively confident and out-going people without being Too anxious. Girls are a Completely different issue though, hence the title. So what I'm really wondering is if anyone who knows for sure they have SA has had a similar experience as I have, either growing up or currently. Because if it's true and I do have it, maybe I can rethink things. And maybe I shouldn't feel so guilty about not joining a soccer team, swimming lessons, summer camp, or even in school sometimes when they make you feel like not taking a "leadership role" or being and "active speaker" is a disgusting sin to god and is all your fault for being lazy and weak and cowardly...

*Also you can post tl;dr if it really is way too long to read. Just wanted to make sure I get across the point that I feel almost the Exact same way a lot of you describe on here...*
You're only 18. I didn't start becoming less shy until after high school. I lost my virginity when I was almost 21. And really, it's no tragedy.
Also, losing your virginity won't fix anything or make you more confident.
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