Being unforgiving - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 10-20-2019, 07:18 PM Thread Starter
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Being unforgiving


is a trait of mine as of lately. I dont think ill be asking anything in particular here. But I'd love to hear some sort of advice. Frustration is a place to vent so..

I didnt think my 20s would begin so dysfunctional. I've been betrayed multiple times and put too much effort into those that didn't return it, and imean sh!t it happens to everyone. But its left funny side effects contrasting w who I've been most of my life (can that really say a whole lot if I'm only 21 though lol).

I can't bring myself to forgive anymore. I used to do it, not like giving handouts to people despite them visibly sh!tty human beings (i really fcking hate people like that and they have nobody but themselves to blame) but rationally and I was able to move on. I cant move on at all now lol. I can think of specific situations that occurred to make me gravitate towards this way of thinking I rather not go into detail about, but it's not like I changed overnight is what I'm saying. I really do hate explaining it this way, the whole "the world made me this way" sh!t lol.

When it boils down to friendships and relationships, I feel if somebody fcks up they will just do it again. I believed thinking this way was only reasonably so until I thought about why I've been so upset and vulnerable lately. I say vulnerable bc i think people are just out with an ulterior motive or have no problem hurting me.

People characterize forgiveness as some kind of strength, but I lately i feel like it diminishes the concepts of repercussion and humility and nobody will learn as a result (it has made me literally hate people who forgive or cant see redflags early on). I worry if giving someone my forgiveness means I'm an idiot or I'm missing a detail of the situation, so I revisit it, overanalyze it and get upset all over again. I feel like it makes people think I'm easy to walk over or use, or I'm some kind of idiot who wont remember later on and they'll be able to get away w it again, so I feel like I have to be prepared.

I cant really see that person the same way anymore and i feel like pushing others away due to it, but i like making new connections. If that person fcks me over they need to work as hard as they can to demonstrate theyre sorry -- and i mean above and beyond kind of bs, I say bs bc it's unrealistic. Which makes me feel like i might be setting up too high of expectations for people only to lead to my own downfall somewhere along the way.

I cant really forget even small little things now,it makes me worry that said person is just bound to do worse later on and maybe i should dip. Though I really dont want to bc i like being around ppl. It makes me over-analyze them as a whole person also.

I cant really say "I forgive you" or "it's okay" bc it really isn't. I'd just be lying if I said those. I think people get off too easily now and it makes me expect the worst, but also expect them to be better. I got told it's great I'm this way once the whole "trust nobody" thing. But I feel it has more cons than pros in this world, especially if you LIKE meeting people and like making friends.

I just can't bring myself to forgive. I call it a big privilege now, I do nothing but watch what people do instead of what they say. I get everyone likes to bullsh!t how actions speak more than words but I don't think anyone gets it until it's put into motion for them like this. It's hard to salvage any friendship or relationship after some sh!t, maybe it's easy for them but I have a bunch of pent up bs that makes me want to cut off everyone. w.e. Again advice is appreciated.

Im tired, cant think of anything and want only to lay my face in your lap, feel your hand on my head and remain like that through all eternity.
― Franz Kafka, Letters to Milena
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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 10-20-2019, 09:43 PM
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@f1ora

People with personality disorders can do what you are describing.

I would suggest to learn the different personality disorder types, sociopath (brought up that way), psychopath (born that way), etc. There is varying levels of that too from stage 5 with businessmen to stage 6-7 with serial killers, etc (study done in the States about the different stages).

The key is to learn to not wear your heart on your sleeve with people that have the above personality disorder types. Business face (show no emotion) until get to know someone.

Once show emotion, or react to what they do, become an easy target.

You are right, actions speak louder than words. Usually easy to spot dodgy people that way when doing business with them.
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 10-20-2019, 10:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by f1ora
When it boils down to friendships and relationships, I feel if somebody fcks up they will just do it again.
For the most part, that's just the truth. Expecting people to not act the way you've observed them behaving before is naivety. That doesn't mean you can't forgive them though -- go ahead and forgive them, just don't trust them or let them get too entwined in your life anymore. In fact it's much easier to forgive someone once you make sure they won't be in a position to be able to hurt you again.

But you certainly shouldn't tell them it's okay when it's not. Tell them it's not okay, but don't stay angry, just reevaluate them and take practical steps to protect yourself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by f1ora
I got told it's great I'm this way once the whole "trust nobody" thing.
Trusting nobody is a horrible way to live life, as is blaming people for the actions of someone else. Trust people until you have reason to distrust them, and no further. And trust them with small things first before you build up to big things, so that if they end up demonstrating untrustworthiness it'll probably be on something less painful. If they don't return that book they borrowed, don't be lending them your car.

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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 10-22-2019, 02:05 AM
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I can relate a lot to what you say - I think in general I'm far too sensitive though, and I've cut a few friends off because of the way they've behaved or what they said to me. I do think I should have told them they hurt my feelings at the time though and tried to talk about it. But I've never been able to do that with friends - only with girlfriends or my wife.

When it comes down to it - it depends how much you like them and if you really want them in your life. I will forgive my wife for basically anything she's ever said to me - because I care about her a lot and I know she doesn't really mean any harm. Plus because we can always talk about it and work it out. Also she's put up with a lot of crap from me and she's always there for me - I guess that's different though.

I often wish I could've been a bit more like that with my old friends.
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