i had real bad social anxiety pretty much ever since i was born. my cousins were the only people i didn't have it around, they moved out of state when i was 12. i basically went through high school without without getting over it and after high school graduation, something kinda snapped b/c i couldn't handle having missed, high school friends, etc and continuing to miss out on life b/c nothing i did worked. my dad had a dairy farm, i pretty much hid from the world there for 4 years, pretending i didn't need people. i dont know how to explain it but ill say i kinda "broke my mind", i guess, i did go from age 14-22 without one person i didn't have real bad social anxiety around.at 15 i had real bad derilization depersonalization 24/7. ( i went through trying and then hiding b/c i tried everything i could, so im stuck like this and i am going to just going continue missing life) i had nothing in my mind , even alone by myself, in high school when i got home(around people my mind just shut down) id be able to think of all kinds things i could've said, now when people talked to me i was in my head talking to myself and the conversation went on while i was still in my head, i was like a zombie. social anxiety was in issue back in middle school, not getting over it and choosing to shut my mind down hide from the world, and not having one person i didn't have it around, did something i still dont know how to explain, and i wish i could go back to just having social anxiety b/c i had no personality,humor, forgotten how to socialize interact w/ people.
i grew up going to a church that was more like a country club, and most of the people were your modern day hypocrite pharisees and the church kids were the biggest partyrs very legalistic on sunday and at church did whatever they wanted the rest of the week . i was going to a local church trying to get better. what i wanted to do was party, girls, and live a crazy real world type life if i ever figured out was wrong with me. i would watch the youth group all the time, they were all real close ,one day a girl was crying and all her friends were with her hugging and comforting her. i couldnt take watching it. this church was very different the peopkle earnestly followed GOD with whole lives they were "real christians who knew GOD, i guess you could say. i had prayed and pleaded many many times for GOD to make me better. I knew the life i wanted to live thogh was in total contrast to what he would want, and i only ever wanted to just use him to get better, if he was real. i said i have to have what they have(from watching the youth group)broke down earnestly prayed i dont care about that life i wanted id put that down he could have my life if he helped me asked him to forgive me ,i couldnt live like this anymore and id give up my ways.
when I got home I felt an intense spirit, the desensitization/social anxiety was gone. I was myself head cleared could joke, be my normal self around my family, lasted about an hour. turned on the radio and heard talking about how people with anxiety have warped perception and 3 other simialiar events that day that had to do with all my issues that I had never thought about.i had a self diagnosis of what I needed to do and it was way off. when I read the BIBLE and tried to follow GOD I was a lot better, when I didn't( daydreamed about partying and girls) it got worse and I could not break through the anxiety/desentization at all where it was naturally better when I followed GOD.
one night when I was trying to go to bed I felt this intense spirit( it was the HOLY SPIRIT) speaking to me and I wrote down all kinds of things about peoples wrong intentions of wanted to use GOD, and how they don't want him, and the modern hypocrite/ Pharisee type churches and how todays christianity is basically just humanism covered in evanangalical doctrines and how we don't know GOD or have a relationship with him anymore.(i would reccomed listining to paris reidhead leanord ravenhill, martin lloyd jones, a w tozer, they are all older 1900's-1990, but there men who semmed to know GOD and its real preaching that is rare to hear anymore) some time went by I was having trouble coping with all I missed and still not getting better or having any friends . I would get mad at GOD and plead my case to magically make me better, and I broke some things in our house. one I broke down was laying on the floor crying. I prayed and told GOD I was ok with everything I would live how I was, and honor him with my life anyways , however I could and my plan to get better, what I was going to work on and change in my thought process. and realized his purpose wasn't to give me everything I want and to honor him for who he is and what he did on the cross not just what he can do. I woke up next morning felt the HOLY SPIRIT and after i felt this intense spirit of love I was immediately 100% normal then as i went through the day i slowly reveted back to my messed up self with social anxiety/desentization etc,etc, but I saw one layer at a time my thought process and how i reacted and other things and people in my life that i never wouldve figured out, mainly b/c original issues were buried behind other issues (im not going into detail, had over two pages typed up)
it was like GOD was my therapist. it wasn't snap I'm better he showed me things id never been able to figure out, and things I needed to change. what hit me hard was originally I just wanted to use GOD I didn't want to know him or anything about him but he loved me enough to reveal himself to me, help me and kept coming after me( iwanted to run off and party and only my terrible anxiety and inability to get better forced me to turn back to him) this hit me hard and made me want to learn more about him and it drew me to him and changed me, one thing he wanted me to know was to not think of him as a genie in a lamp.
my dad got sick and I ended up having to run the farm and GOD told me to stay there. I stayed there and couldn't push through the issues and ws very isolated on the farm. I was frustrated because so busy with the farm and was hard to get involved in the church, and didn't know where else to go. I asked him how am I supposed to do anything, he said "you can pray" staying on the farm seemed like a curse at first but b/c how do I get better when I can barley see people, but GOD wanted me to get to know him personally . my biggest regret is not doing this earlier I had nowhere else to turn, no1 to talk to and it was a long time before I quit desentizing myself however I could and finally started to pray and listen to what GOD had to say to me. aanyone going through something hard use that time to pray/ spend time with GOD, u wont regret it. staying on the farm with social anxiety brought me lots of time to get to know GOD AND I THINK PRAYER AND SPENDING TIME WITH god IS AN extremely lost thing in our churches today(recommend leanord ravenhill, Charles spurgeon has good sermons on prayer to) and I know its something GOD wan me to share with my church . during this whole process I was changed, not just phsychologycly but as a person, the same way GOD showed me what was wrong in my head, he showed me what was wrong in my heart and desires. I was a dead selfcentered, proud, lustful person who existed to exalt myself and he(no I m not perfect, I still sin daily) changed me as a person, gave me a new heart new mind and totally new desires. and he showed me that Christ is my only hope he is my Lord and savior, my rock and on the cross the father poured out his wrath that I deserved on his son JESUS HE LAID DOWN HIS PERFECT LIFE, HE DIED FOR MY SINS he died for my sins then rose again to sit at the right hand of the father