I don't have a story right now, only my scattered thoughts on something specific.
So.. I've been reading peoples posts from this site for a while now. So many of the ones that I found I relate to 100%. I guess for this reason I thought I would make an account of my own, but when I tried to get my thoughts out I felt stuck as hell. I gave up and never created an account. That's because I find that most of the time (not all the time) when I force myself to think and write I can't. I write in wordpad beforehand because when I get a thought naturally, it flows more freely.
Finally, however, I've created an account and I've successfully typed out some of my thoughts.
Lately I've been feeling more and more bitter, angry and stuck. Actually, tonight especially (which I suppose is the reason I finally joined) These are
my thoughts on the way I've been feeling. It's probably sorted very poorly, but I tried. I also tried to understand the way I feel as honestly as possible
so I could write down the truth of what I feel.
I've been dealing with a very specific thought and feeling and here it is:
I'm bitter that I'm stuck. I'm bitter when I look unfriendly and realize for anyone who saw me look unfriendly, -it's too late. I've already created myself in their minds and now I'm a bad guy, now they're against me, and there's no way out of it. So I feel like a bad guy, and like everyones pointing their fingers and I begin to hate and anger. It's a self-perpetuating disaster. The bitterness seems to be from the feeling like people are looking down at me. Or expecting me to be a certain way.
For some reason I got this idea that people have a very specific role they've assigned me to be in their minds, and it makes me feel angry. Anger from
feeling pressures, and anger at them for wanting me to be how they want me to be, and not being accepted for me.
It also seems to be that I hate myself too much that I'm not sympathetic to people (and also because I can't express myself). I feel bad for not talking to others, especially if it's a girl and she looks afraid of me or sad. And when in a bout of feeling bitter.. knowing that I can't do anything about this; that I feel stuck -I'll feel extremely angry and bitter. (I think I need to rethink and reword that last part.)
And other times in a different state of mind thinking about that truly hurts my soul. If a girl looks afraid of me it makes me want to curl into a ball and hold my stomache. I almost want to cry. I guess that's how sorry I feel. I never want a girl to be afraid me. I don't want anyone to be afraid of me.
I've never actually gone up to anyone and said hi to make them feel more comfortable because I would only stammer and be umcomfortable myself,
and I believe because of this people would only think I'm some weirdo.
-I feel inadequate. I feel like an unwanted mutt. I feel low. Like I'm just this low dirty creature when I compare myself to others. I know it's crazy.
-I don't believe there's anything likable about me. I've doubted there's anything good in my soul at all.
-I feel like everyones against me. I can't trust at all. I feel people have sinister motives and they're out to hurt me in some way. And I have many different fears of just what I think could happen.
-I recognize my isolation makes these feelings worse.
-I don't know what to say to people.
So in all this I'm blocking myself at any attempt to better my situation, and I'm perpetuating my bad feelings.]
There is so much more I could add: my fears, my thoughts.. but unfortunately I find it very hard to clear my mind enough to list them all, and to list them all lucidly. My perception, insight and clarity aren't always working their best, and of course they are limited to begin with.