I don't have a story right now, only my scattered thoughts on something specific. - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-29-2012, 06:23 AM Thread Starter
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I don't have a story right now, only my scattered thoughts on something specific.


So.. I've been reading peoples posts from this site for a while now. So many of the ones that I found I relate to 100%. I guess for this reason I thought I would make an account of my own, but when I tried to get my thoughts out I felt stuck as hell. I gave up and never created an account. That's because I find that most of the time (not all the time) when I force myself to think and write I can't. I write in wordpad beforehand because when I get a thought naturally, it flows more freely.
Finally, however, I've created an account and I've successfully typed out some of my thoughts.

Lately I've been feeling more and more bitter, angry and stuck. Actually, tonight especially (which I suppose is the reason I finally joined) These are
my thoughts on the way I've been feeling. It's probably sorted very poorly, but I tried. I also tried to understand the way I feel as honestly as possible
so I could write down the truth of what I feel.

I've been dealing with a very specific thought and feeling and here it is:







I'm bitter that I'm stuck. I'm bitter when I look unfriendly and realize for anyone who saw me look unfriendly, -it's too late. I've already created myself in their minds and now I'm a bad guy, now they're against me, and there's no way out of it. So I feel like a bad guy, and like everyones pointing their fingers and I begin to hate and anger. It's a self-perpetuating disaster. The bitterness seems to be from the feeling like people are looking down at me. Or expecting me to be a certain way.

For some reason I got this idea that people have a very specific role they've assigned me to be in their minds, and it makes me feel angry. Anger from
feeling pressures, and anger at them for wanting me to be how they want me to be, and not being accepted for me.


It also seems to be that I hate myself too much that I'm not sympathetic to people (and also because I can't express myself). I feel bad for not talking to others, especially if it's a girl and she looks afraid of me or sad. And when in a bout of feeling bitter.. knowing that I can't do anything about this; that I feel stuck -I'll feel extremely angry and bitter. (I think I need to rethink and reword that last part.)



And other times in a different state of mind thinking about that truly hurts my soul. If a girl looks afraid of me it makes me want to curl into a ball and hold my stomache. I almost want to cry. I guess that's how sorry I feel. I never want a girl to be afraid me. I don't want anyone to be afraid of me.

I've never actually gone up to anyone and said hi to make them feel more comfortable because I would only stammer and be umcomfortable myself,
and I believe because of this people would only think I'm some weirdo.



-I feel inadequate. I feel like an unwanted mutt. I feel low. Like I'm just this low dirty creature when I compare myself to others. I know it's crazy.

-I don't believe there's anything likable about me. I've doubted there's anything good in my soul at all.

-I feel like everyones against me. I can't trust at all. I feel people have sinister motives and they're out to hurt me in some way. And I have many different fears of just what I think could happen.

-I recognize my isolation makes these feelings worse.

-I don't know what to say to people.


So in all this I'm blocking myself at any attempt to better my situation, and I'm perpetuating my bad feelings.]


There is so much more I could add: my fears, my thoughts.. but unfortunately I find it very hard to clear my mind enough to list them all, and to list them all lucidly. My perception, insight and clarity aren't always working their best, and of course they are limited to begin with.
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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-29-2012, 07:41 AM
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Get better


Hey,
This post really touched me. I can recognize myself and I know how horrible it feels. I've had many ups and downs, but I think you should try to keep yourself happy, no matter how difficult it is. Read funny memes on 9gag. When I am down there is always something that can make me laugh. From experiences, I think you should see a shrink and try CBT. It helped me see life throgh a different perspective, and helped against the numerous SA issues I have.

And welcOme to the forum
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-29-2012, 10:40 AM
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Hey CreepOnARoadbike8 welcome.

Even if our scars donít match thereís no wrong you canít make better if you can figure out a way to change your mind.

And sure thereís things I regret not doing or doing. Those thoughts climb my spine like spiders, and then Iím really the stranger in my own bed,

and that ball of nervous gets pushed into every crack. Thatís whatís holding the bricks together.


- Listener
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-29-2012, 08:46 PM
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Well - I'd say you are quite a bit ahead of things just by your insights! You are able to describe your problem and you know yourself well. That is a huge thing! That is where you can start to change - just by knowing what the problem you feel you have is, and wanting to change!

I relate to a lot of what you say as well. It's like being in hell - big circle that never ends. The hell though is your own mind and you feel you can't stop it.

As noted above CBT might help. Buddhist stuff helps me... I've tried everything and that is the only thing that remotely helps. I'm going to start a group - you might try that if you haven't already. It's a safe place to try things out with people and express yourself and they can to you.

Take care...
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-29-2012, 11:38 PM
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Hey I am the same way. Only I get scared that people are seeing me in a different way or noticing that there is something wrong with me. I am quiet myself so you are not alone.

However, you are able to describe yourself which is a good thing. One thing to try which is what I have to do often that helps me when I'm feeling like a loser, is think about stuff I can do on my own or have done that no one else has. Even what I have done for others because I wanted to not because I felt I had to.

Also think of how many people are around you like friends and family members and if they are good people or bad people and how they make you feel. If it's mostly positive then you are def doing something right and not as bad as you might think you are.

I hope that helps in some way and I hope you feel better soon
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-30-2012, 10:55 PM
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-01-2012, 08:04 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks for the replies and thanks for the suggestions. I'm glad the lot of you can relate. It's kind of, in it's own way, liberating, for me to realize their are people who actually feel the way, or at least similarly to the way, that I do. Because I thought it possible I had gone so far into my SA and created too many negative fears and parallel thoughts that not even people with SA could relate.
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-01-2012, 09:28 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mishcat View Post
Well - I'd say you are quite a bit ahead of things just by your insights! You are able to describe your problem and you know yourself well. That is a huge thing! That is where you can start to change - just by knowing what the problem you feel you have is, and wanting to change!

I relate to a lot of what you say as well. It's like being in hell - big circle that never ends. The hell though is your own mind and you feel you can't stop it.

As noted above CBT might help. Buddhist stuff helps me... I've tried everything and that is the only thing that remotely helps. I'm going to start a group - you might try that if you haven't already. It's a safe place to try things out with people and express yourself and they can to you.

Take care...
I'm curious, what do you mean by starting a group? Like a local thing where people with Social Anxiety can gather? If so, that sounds interesting. That sounds like something I might want to try. Maybe it would help and I'd meet people in nearly the same place as me. I just don't know how I'd go about it. I've always thought that people with Social Anxiety are other people with Social Anxiety's kryptonite. As in, two afraid people might really pick up negative assumptions from each other. And also, how are they(we) going to talk to each other? But then, perhaps instead it could be a connection; they could relate more. Who knows. I've never talked to someone else with Social Anxiety other than my brother. But then he's my brother and he's the only person I've always had in my life. We've been friends our entire lives.


And thanks, I'd like to think I have pretty good perception. Though sometimes I think I have too much perception, and I see things I shouldn't see and take seriously enough to apply to life.

Actually, out of sheer coincidence, last night I had really what I'd call an epiphany, and I feel I've cleared away a few things that needed some clearing. Luckily I typed down the feeling when it came and captured it in form. I posted it under 'Triumphs Over Social Anxiety' if you want to go check it out.
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-02-2012, 09:19 AM
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Hi - I like your analogy to kryptonite and I've thought that too - that you are both so much in your head that it could cause issues itself. For that reason - maybe a group with a moderator - or therapist of some sort would be good - someone who has perspective on the whole thing and can guide the group.

I have been looking for a local group - there is meet up . com they have some groups or you could start your own if there are none nearby. There may be others looking for the same but don't want to be the one to start one. It's a catch 22 I guess with social anxiety - you want to meet people but can't start a group cause your socially anxious. But maybe find one within a half hour or so if you don't wish to start one. I realistically think I"m one of those people who can't start one but am looking into one that is about 1/2 hour from me or so. And trying to get into one through a therapist. She seems very good. Said she will guide the group and call people out on things to keep them 'working' on their issues. That is what I need. I think this online thing helps to a degree - you can get out the thoughts and feelings and no one knows you - very theraputic. But I think being with people in a controlled atmostphere where you can try things out and not feel too anxious about it and if you do - talk about that too whereas in public you cannot. Sometimes it is better to not be around like minded people as you may wallow in that but sometimes it is good. You are right maybe best not to go into a situation where there is no therapist to guide as it may end up the kryptonite situation. You may have to search to find what you need but don't stop trying !
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-02-2012, 09:23 AM
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"Actually, out of sheer coincidence, last night I had really what I'd call an epiphany, and I feel I've cleared away a few things that needed some clearing. Luckily I typed down the feeling when it came and captured it in form. I posted it under 'Triumphs Over Social Anxiety' if you want to go check it out. "

I would like to check out your post and will ! I love reading things like that - your best thinking down in writing! Thanks !
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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-16-2013, 11:05 PM Thread Starter
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The day I threw away my life. If I didn't join this site I'd have survived.


I had problems, but problems I could have worked through, but benzos took everything. Now I'm going to die.
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