How social anxiety destroyed my life over the years, and what to do now
The first real symptoms of this thing called Social Anxiety, I think I see in my first contacts with women that I wanted to start something bigger with, when I was bout 15 years old. I had that really beautiful and fun girl, almost fall in love with me after meeting on the internet... and yeah, she was really a beauty and cool girl, but in person - it all I think got buried because of my social anxiety. Through the internet window I could kind of mask my social anxiety, but in person it all came out, after talking with her for like couple months, feeling some kind of love, it all got lost after meeting in person,... and it was never bout my looks or anything like that, I'm sure of that, I can get a girl horny, just never seem to finish it up, because of the **** in my head.
From this point on, I've started using alcohol as a way to reduce my social anxiety. This was helping in a short term, as I started to get some kind of "normal" social life, and some girls who liked me in person started to pop out. But it never led to anything positive really, since I started to abuse alcohol just to feel right, funny, on point, without my inner problems. You can't live a life in which you have to drink to feel kind of ok... it only makes things worst in the end.
It never changed from this, 14 years, maybe (I hope) up to this point, when I'm in the mind set, that stops me from meeting with anyone, unless I have a drink... and maybe beyond that even, cause now I know what I'm doing and it doesn't feel right all the way, drink now only makes things worse, cause I feel more and more bad about it.
I do want to change. I'm always dreaming about times, when I'm the good guy. I know I'm not a bad person inside, but I didn't treat my problems right from the begining. Now I landed in a time without a work, without love of my life, without friends, family... which I had, some time ago.
Not dealing with the real problem and masking it with alcohol, got me to the point when it's really hard to just get up, do something with my life now... almost every day is a mind struggle which eventually keeps me from doing anything constructive, and keeps me from just being a fun person. Because I didn't intervene in the right time, my girlfriend seems totally different, she looks at me different, even though we've been a couple for 4 years... and it's no wonder, it was never fully me from the beginnig. I tried to drink it up, but yeah, that only got me to this time right now.
So now what... I feel like the only right answer now is therapy and medication, although, it's really not easy choice from where Im starting.