I don't know much about Social Anxiety. I only know that I've been very depressed lately. Sometimes I just want to fall down and let everyone see how much in despair I am. I imagine myself just dropping to my knees, lying on the ground, going into the fetal position, just so someone can ask me if I am OK and that I can tell them what is wrong with me. But the truth is, I am having a hard time finding anything wrong with myself. I'm just frustrated is all.
I am in my last year of high school with no friends. I've never had a friend in my life except for relatives...and the ones that give me good company only visit a few times every year.
Agh...see how much I'm lying? I do have friends. I have actual friends. It's just that I don't like them. It'd hard to talk to them. More rather, it's hard to talk to me. I can't keep a conversation, you see, mostly because I have nothing to say. People come to me expecting to carry on a nice chat but they get nothing in return. Sometimes at lunch, I will have someone who will luckily sit with me, but I don't say anything and neither do they. I think they expect me to do all the talking, but they never seem to figure out that I am incapable of bearing that burden.
I like being alone. I like being by myself. But I am incredibly anxious around people. If you are looking for someone to make a conversation awkward, I am a natural born expert. I don't like talking much, but that doesn't help the fact that I become very frustrated when I'm unable to entertain someone who thinks that I am interesting and actually bothers to bless me with their company. I don't like to talk because I can't talk...only when necessary. I stutter over words and I have to prepare words in advance--like a script--if I ever want to have the chance of letting a conversation flow for more than 5 minutes.
In addition to having a disinterest in casual conversation, I seem to have a problem being heard clearly. Someone can ask me a question, but then I have to answer them 10 times because they can't understand what I am saying. Maybe it is my foreign accent. Maybe it is my volume. Maybe it is my hesitation to speak. I think it's a combination of all three. Sometimes I can make my point across when I am in a quiet setting.
Anyways. Hi. I'm John. Nice to meet you all. I hope I find this forum to be a place that I can be understood.