Go? Don’t go? I don’t know
Hey everybody! I’m new to reddit... trying a new avenue to cope...I’ve never actually spoken to anyone who could even remotely understand what I’m feeling. So I’m gonna give this a try! So here we go!
Gonna be hard to fully explain without explaining full back story but I’ll try!
So, to start off I want to explain that I have struggled with social anxiety forever... but I have continuously tried to not let it stop me from going out to social occasions. In my mind, I would tell myself to use each situation as an opportunity to practice being more comfortable. I thought eventually I’d grow out of the anxiety... and stop being so god damn awkward. Well, here I am 28 years old and nothing has changed.
So I’ve had a very busy summer since my sister is getting married, which means lots of occasions... lots of being with people I don’t know very well(she lives in minn, me in nyc) and lots of situations where I HAVE to be social.
Each one so far has ended in me internally beating myself up after ever word I say, spilling things, and obviously being uncomfortable in my own skin.
Today is the day after my sister bachelorette party and I’m feeling very much like I wanna day “F this, I’m just gonna pretend to be sick or say I don’t want to go to every single thing I have coming up because I can’t keep going out and hating myself and facing these awkward situations anymore..”
My boyfriend is the exact opposite of me and thrives in social occasions...Next weekend his friends invited us to a bbq pool party. And so far in the past 3 years I’ve gone to anything he’s asked me too. Because I don’t want to be that weird boring gf, and I LOVE that I’m included in things. I crave the desire to be wanted to attend things, but the thought of going is terrible. But I’m sitting here and I’m thinking...
1) ****, I don’t want to be in a bikini or bathing suit around all his friends
2) I don’t want to have forced conversations with people because I never know what to say
3) I don’t want to be awkward or uncomfortable because I don’t want his friends to think he has a weird gf
4) I don’t have the energy to try to pretend to be fine when internally I’m ****ing miserable
5) I don’t want to have the feeling that people are just being nice to me bc I’m his gf
But then I don’t want to not go because...
1) I don’t want my bf to stop including me in things
2) I want to be able to build fun memories and do fun things with him
3) I know I’ll be mad at myself for letting my fear of the situation prevent me from going
I just want to be able to go and have a good time. But that’s just not an option. And I’m so tired of it.
Anyway. So what should I do? Go and try to fake it again and still be so misterable bc of how much I hate myself or stay home, be comfortable but hate myself for letting this anxiety win?
I hate myself for being incapable of letting myself have a good time. Freaking ever.