Damaged human, looking for likeminded people - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 06-18-2020, 07:15 AM Thread Starter
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Damaged human, looking for likeminded people


Hi, I'm a 24 year old guy, brand new. Joining a community like this is long overdue and I should have probably gotten involved at least 11 or 12 years ago when life disappeared for me. For those interested to read my story and how i got here, Well here goes nothing...

I was born in the mid 90s considering it was towards the beginning of 96'. Only boy, 5 older sisters. From birth, i had no option to have a voice. When i was born, I didnt have a welcome wagon. Only a couple aunts and cousins who i was never around in life, Regardless of a large biological family. My mother wrote in my baby book, that towards six months old, I began acting hostile towards strangers already. I was a "smiley baby" and apparently never cried.

My first memories were at age 3. I was close with most of my sisters and my parents were my everything. I never spoke with my voice. I didn't want to. When school years came around, i was already an outcast and had absolutely no idea...In kindergarten, age 5, I was immediately set apart from the other kids because of my strange mental behavior. I would con my teacher and find strange excuses to not confront simple tasks like writing my name. I got yelled at often for this in front of the whole class. I was sent home early every day, the principal had to take me home in his car at one point. Extreme embarrassment...And on top of all of this, On the first week of kindergarten, 9/11 happened. The entire world changed forever, right as my brain was developing. The teacher at one point locked me in a closet after school ended and my sister had to come looking for me. The abuse of society on me had already begun

So here I was, only 5 1/2. and I live in NY in a city upstate, and seeing the news made me feel like i was gonna die, and school was hell. I was the only kid in my class being treated like i was slow or a nuisance to the teachers. Years passed, from 1st grade to 5th grade, i was very fortunate to gain some friends of all races. Those guys helped me mask my different self. They treated me like a true friend and i did the same for them, backing them up in fights on the schoolyard, going to their houses etc ..

Middle school came around, and that was the end. We were seperated because of the different blocks and segments of that school. I got picked on and targeted alot because my introverted and reserved attitude, and the kids that grouped up in packs and gangs noticed that. I had the "timid white kid" Image they'd say. They would bother me every other day. One of those kids in particular injured me pretty bad in 8th grade, sending me to the ER with fractures. My parents had decided with my request to pull me out of school and put me in homeschooling.

During all the time alone, i was already abusing myself, cutting. I started reading the bible, i did a dramatic lifestyle change, and actually started an online ministry. I was preaching to people on sites from other countries and my own as well. By the time 9th grade came around, my parents wanted me to at least try highschool to see if i like it. So i was put back into the public schools, this one was much closer to home, in the inner city area. It was rough. Kids were getting arrested often at this place for acting up. There were lockdowns, bomb threats daily, and Me, the one kid reading the bible all day, i wasn't gonna make it at all. I was not welcomed ,and not making any friends whatsoever. I was being bullied yet again.

So i dropped out. At that age, i wasnt thinking about the future. I believed the "rapture" would happen, a bible event where God takes his people out of the earth before it gets destroyed. This was my mindset at only 14 years old. I was screwed. Homeschooled yet again, went to GED classes, got into a dispute with the teacher for insulting my intelligence (i had already had bad experiences with teachers, so i wasnt having it.) and i even dropped out of that program.

a couple years passed on. I was now 18. a grown man. No friends. Not even one. My sisters all went off and got married. so I had nobody to hang around. I disbanded my religious beliefs, opened my mind. Got My first job, quit because of mental health issues. (Are you seeing a pattern beginning?)

Second job, i stayed at for over 4 years, but lost it because of one day that changed me forever. I was nabbed my the police for an anxiety attack that put me in a mental hospital for 7 days 6 nights.The anxiety attack was caused by my girlfriend's friends ganging up on me through text and basically bullying me over my reaction to her literally cheating on me. At this point, i realized that society is not made for people like me. At all. I get punished my whole life for being introverted , i get abused by the schools, and now I get cheated on by my first girlfriend, and she talked about me behind my back, so literally all of her friends bashed me, insulted me, and told her I was "Manipulating and controlling" her, because the fact I got angry with her over CHEATING. So all her friends and a couple of her cousins refused to acknowledge anything she did, and went ahead and pinned insulting words like "Psycho", "sociopath", "school shooter", and "weirdo" on me because i am a modest guy with modest values, and i dont show emotions same as other people. Still to this day i dont know how to produce tears, i have robotic emotions. And i had nobody to take my side, nobody had my back. Nobody to try to have an understanding with me.

Yes i cry maybe once a year, but for the most part it takes honest effort to force myself to cry. My whole childhood, people judged me for not talking enough, then the second i start sharing opinions or saying anything at all, people take an issue with me. I have an inability to make friends. Nobody wants to open their minds to me because of the stigma that surrounds people with PTSD and Major depressive disorder. Those were things i was diagnosed with, and now both of my arms are just thrashed up with permanent scars from years ago, they wont ever heal. They're constantly a reminder of the trauma i've been through with human interactions in my life. I love to listen to the song "crawling" by linkin park. It explains the position i'm in frequently.

Besides all of that negativity, I enjoy normal things like everyone else. I have thing i like and dislike, i have hobbies and talents, just like everyone else. Its just this one thing about myself that i cannot deny. Denial is the first step in damaging yourself, that's one thing they taught me in the hospital. I am mentally disabled, At least socially disabled. And you know what?? I wouldnt have it any other way. If i hadnt gone through all of these setbacks and hurdles i can't jump, then i would have never developed as a person, and i wouldnt be unique. I enjoy not being like everyone else my age. I dont go out to bars, i dont like their music, i dont like groups, i dont attend no colleges, and i dont need to, because my extreme social issues, forced me to have to learn how to make money without working a typical job as an investor in brokerage accounts.

Anyways, if you've read this far, thank you for sticking through it. Thats basically my story. Of you want to know more about me, feel free to send a personal message
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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 06-18-2020, 07:16 AM
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Hey Spyro9611, welcome to SAS.

Even if our scars donít match thereís no wrong you canít make better if you can figure out a way to change your mind.

And sure thereís things I regret not doing or doing. Those thoughts climb my spine like spiders, and then Iím really the stranger in my own bed,

and that ball of nervous gets pushed into every crack. Thatís whatís holding the bricks together.


- Listener
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 06-18-2020, 08:03 AM
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welcome to the forums spyro......i know what it feels like to be bullied.....i had it through out school and even in to adult hood.....best thing i did was startintg to see a psychiatrist.....

also i try to deal with my social anxiety, i have no friends myself so i know what its like....these forums help me though

i look forward to reading your future posts, by the way, what was homeschooling like.....i would have been interested in it when i was 13
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-28-2020, 08:00 AM
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Location: The Void
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Age: 24
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Hello

Standing on the stairs
Cold, cold morning
Ghostly image of fear
Mayday, mayday
Gonna leave this region
They'll take me with them
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