Am I totally about to lose it - Social Anxiety Forum
 
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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 02-21-2014, 09:03 AM Thread Starter
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Am I totally about to lose it


Hello I really need help and fast!

I am in a really F-ed up situation right now. I don't recognize myself anymore. I have lost interest in everything (studies, sports, work). I isolate myself socially and I feel like I am about to crack.

When I was young I use to practice hockey 20 hours a week on a elite level and was the best in my class academically and I received multiple honours . i got admitted to the best CEGEP (Quebec version of college) in the province and it was a breeze and I studied really hard 24/7 and got really good results. I am now pursuing a Professional Doctorate in Pharmacy on a scholarship; I pay 0$ in tuition thanks to this scholarship. I will graduate next at 22 years old. I am currently 21.
I always was a shy person, but relatively happy with my social life cause I was accustomed to being alone. I always took a while to warm up to people and had difficulties expressing my emotions. In high school, it took like 5 years to have a solid group of friends (3-4 consistent friends) and unfortunately i never saw these people again because we went to different colleges. I would always conceal my emotions all the time (happiness, anger, sadness, etc). I never had a girlfriend because of this, despite the fact that I am handsome and many girls revealed their interest in me, but I would dismiss their feelings. I was never able to tell a girl that I loved her and demonstrate to her my true feelings. But this never really bothered me because I was always busy studying, etc and also because I developed a certain arrogance, which was the primary foundation of my moderate self-esteem at the time

For the first two years in university I was relatively content and optimistic. I had ambition, motivation, dreams. Theoretically my life was going to be perfect. Then all of sudden everything came crashing at once. I started becoming self-aware of my arrogance, my inability to have a social life and my minimal interest in anything besides money, success and my intellectual superiority to other people. I lost interest in studying and everything I do. I don't study at all anymore, like zero. I show up to exams with a blank mind. I was becoming careless about everything: my tutoring job, my pharmacy job, etc.
One day during the summer break this year I decided to go to an erotic full service (intercourse) massage parlour to relieve some sexual tension that I have holding up inside all my life that I felt I couldn't hold in no more. I was a virgin. Probably the worse idea I ever had. It has been 6 months since then i have become severely addicted to sex. Sounds funny at first. Typical guy who thinks about sex 24/7. During these sexual escapades, I realized I had zero sensitivity. I was unable to achieve orgasms physically, only through a mental process/imagination. The sessions would last 90 minutes each because of this. I met a lot of beautiful women who I developed connections with , some more then others. I even went out with one for 3 weeks. I was being reckless, I had sex with over 30 different women in one month increasing my chances of catching an STD/AIDS
It was all fun at beginning; I was notorious throughout the parlour, every woman knew who I was before they even met me. I felt like a player, a pornstar, whateve. My confidence went up a bit and my social life improved slightly as well.
I would go twice a day to the massage parlour which happens to be 2 blocks away from school. I would have sex 3 hours a day 5 days a week. I would be in class, and once the idea popped inside my head during the lunch break I would go to the parlour. I can't control myself and thats when I realized I had a problem. I have spent over 10 000$ (including the university's scholarship) in this ongoing adventure. I realized I had an addiction and I went to the university's free psychological aid program. I told them my story, but unfortunately it would take them 1 and half months to place me with a therapist. It has been nearly two months and they are still trying to find an appropriate therapist for me. Now, I go to the parlour less frequently maybe once a week. Its like I need a fix, otherwise I become aggressive, irritable and neurotic. I don't even recognize myself anymore. My parents don't either. My grades are crashing, my self esteem is at an all time low, I feel empty. I have suicidal thoughts. My social life is a mess and I have zero motivation. I play video games all day when not at school or having sex with a masseuses. I am in a financial situation that I can't escape. I tried hypnotherapy, naturopathy in the meanwhile. I am afraid that I will venture into other addictions since I am already prone to sex addiction (drugs, alcool). I don't even know where I am going and who I am. I am lost I need help and my newly found self-awareness is killing me right now. I am destroying myself, I feel my memory deteriorating. I finally told my parents about it: my dad thinks its funny, my mom is understanding but doesn't know the full extent of my misery. I hate myself for being a sex-crazed objectifying sociopath and I feel like I will never get out of this.
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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 02-21-2014, 09:49 AM
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JohnnyRico,

I want to first commend you (thank you) for opening up like this. Society wants to say that you are achieving your goals and "being a man", but you see it differently and that is more mature. You are not alone. The addiction in your case is not jkust physical, it's biochemical. Your irritability is withdrawal from that fix, but you MUST go through it to overcome it. Your body is trying to re-regulate itself to be where it was before all of this started.

Work with your counselor on this. You have realized that this addiction is taking over your life. Use the frustration to motivate yourself to improving.

Real men take responsibility for their actions and you have done just that.

Welcome to SAS!

millenniumman75
You are a success story waiting to happen!
Live and let live VACUUMS more than a Hoover....
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