Am I totally about to lose it
Hello I really need help and fast!
I am in a really F-ed up situation right now. I don't recognize myself anymore. I have lost interest in everything (studies, sports, work). I isolate myself socially and I feel like I am about to crack.
When I was young I use to practice hockey 20 hours a week on a elite level and was the best in my class academically and I received multiple honours . i got admitted to the best CEGEP (Quebec version of college) in the province and it was a breeze and I studied really hard 24/7 and got really good results. I am now pursuing a Professional Doctorate in Pharmacy on a scholarship; I pay 0$ in tuition thanks to this scholarship. I will graduate next at 22 years old. I am currently 21.
I always was a shy person, but relatively happy with my social life cause I was accustomed to being alone. I always took a while to warm up to people and had difficulties expressing my emotions. In high school, it took like 5 years to have a solid group of friends (3-4 consistent friends) and unfortunately i never saw these people again because we went to different colleges. I would always conceal my emotions all the time (happiness, anger, sadness, etc). I never had a girlfriend because of this, despite the fact that I am handsome and many girls revealed their interest in me, but I would dismiss their feelings. I was never able to tell a girl that I loved her and demonstrate to her my true feelings. But this never really bothered me because I was always busy studying, etc and also because I developed a certain arrogance, which was the primary foundation of my moderate self-esteem at the time
For the first two years in university I was relatively content and optimistic. I had ambition, motivation, dreams. Theoretically my life was going to be perfect. Then all of sudden everything came crashing at once. I started becoming self-aware of my arrogance, my inability to have a social life and my minimal interest in anything besides money, success and my intellectual superiority to other people. I lost interest in studying and everything I do. I don't study at all anymore, like zero. I show up to exams with a blank mind. I was becoming careless about everything: my tutoring job, my pharmacy job, etc.
One day during the summer break this year I decided to go to an erotic full service (intercourse) massage parlour to relieve some sexual tension that I have holding up inside all my life that I felt I couldn't hold in no more. I was a virgin. Probably the worse idea I ever had. It has been 6 months since then i have become severely addicted to sex. Sounds funny at first. Typical guy who thinks about sex 24/7. During these sexual escapades, I realized I had zero sensitivity. I was unable to achieve orgasms physically, only through a mental process/imagination. The sessions would last 90 minutes each because of this. I met a lot of beautiful women who I developed connections with , some more then others. I even went out with one for 3 weeks. I was being reckless, I had sex with over 30 different women in one month increasing my chances of catching an STD/AIDS
It was all fun at beginning; I was notorious throughout the parlour, every woman knew who I was before they even met me. I felt like a player, a pornstar, whateve. My confidence went up a bit and my social life improved slightly as well.
I would go twice a day to the massage parlour which happens to be 2 blocks away from school. I would have sex 3 hours a day 5 days a week. I would be in class, and once the idea popped inside my head during the lunch break I would go to the parlour. I can't control myself and thats when I realized I had a problem. I have spent over 10 000$ (including the university's scholarship) in this ongoing adventure. I realized I had an addiction and I went to the university's free psychological aid program. I told them my story, but unfortunately it would take them 1 and half months to place me with a therapist. It has been nearly two months and they are still trying to find an appropriate therapist for me. Now, I go to the parlour less frequently maybe once a week. Its like I need a fix, otherwise I become aggressive, irritable and neurotic. I don't even recognize myself anymore. My parents don't either. My grades are crashing, my self esteem is at an all time low, I feel empty. I have suicidal thoughts. My social life is a mess and I have zero motivation. I play video games all day when not at school or having sex with a masseuses. I am in a financial situation that I can't escape. I tried hypnotherapy, naturopathy in the meanwhile. I am afraid that I will venture into other addictions since I am already prone to sex addiction (drugs, alcool). I don't even know where I am going and who I am. I am lost I need help and my newly found self-awareness is killing me right now. I am destroying myself, I feel my memory deteriorating. I finally told my parents about it: my dad thinks its funny, my mom is understanding but doesn't know the full extent of my misery. I hate myself for being a sex-crazed objectifying sociopath and I feel like I will never get out of this.