Would you want kids? - Page 2 - Social Anxiety Forum
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post #21 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-13-2019, 09:20 PM
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I guess I've always wanted to have life figured out, you know, to have a good foundation and be capable in the world, before having kids. Well at this rate I'll probably be several hundred years old by the time my personal requirements are met. That's not exactly an answer to your question though. I want to have kids but only if I can be a good parent.
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post #22 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-13-2019, 09:22 PM
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Nope. I don't think I would be able to handle having a child, since I can't even look after myself.
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post #23 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-14-2019, 09:30 AM
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Yes/No


I'm going to come off as indecisive but I always thought that if I was able to meet someone and that partner wanted children, then perhaps I'd be OK with it—if and only if I manage to calm my anxiety by that point.

Right now, not being able to even take care of myself, I don't think being a parent is on my eventual to-do list considering my situation....

I think it's something you can't just walk into just because "you want to" or because everyone around you has done the same. We don't live in some 80's TV drama--or at least, I don't.

Maybe I don't get to say that and the reality will be that no couple is every truly prepared for everything (nor has good reason for wanting kids), but I feel you need something good going for you to wind up truly able to have kids.

For me, it's not having SA. I cannot confidently say I'll be able to raise my child properly and be there for them when they need me. There's countless situations I recall not being attentive to my relatives and situations where I suppose I behaved inappropriately. Unless I accrue enough experience by that point, I don't think my current track record of failed social attempts and limited understanding of relationships/emotions/psyche will prepare me enough even at a basic/human level.

A child needs a good role-model. Not someone perfect, but someone who will show them how to do things properly, someone to guide them, and someone to lean on. I don't posses traits that would be good for any of that. I'm caring and thoughtful, but that only goes so far. I still can't handle confrontations. I lack fundamental understanding of societal norms. I would be likely to pass on those traits/conditions to my kids if they saw me fail more than once (which is likely).

This is why I say that I would need to concur or settle with my SA in some form. I don't want to run the risk of having my kid go through the crap I did. I would want them to live a normal life (no offense).

In short, I don't believe in having kids on a whim and then figuring out the hard stuff later. I like to make sure I'm somewhat secure and ready enough to dive into that lifestyle (both mentally and otherwise).

Though I have always made it my practice to be pleasant to everybody, I have not once actually experienced friendship. I have only the most painful recollections of my various acquaintances ..."
― Osamu Dazai, No Longer Human
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post #24 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-16-2019, 09:35 AM
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I'm expecting. its a boy.

I already made a list of things to try and help combat the SA

He might inherit from me.

Like have him involved in school, no sittingaround the house, start working at 15/16,
get his licence at around 16-17

I want my child to be as independent and well rounded as possible.

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post #25 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-16-2019, 04:43 PM
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I did. 😬The school years are difficult, but somehow it balances out. I can even say it has helped in some ways, much like Immersion Therapy. My kids are adults now, but my stepdaughter wasn't able to be a parent, so I am now raising a 7 year old grandchild. I have days I think I can't do the school thing anymore, but I have no choice at this point. I will be 67 years old when she turns 18. My husband died 2 years ago, so things can be rough. But I will survive, just like I have my whole life.
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post #26 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-16-2019, 04:52 PM
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I did. 😬The school years are difficult, but somehow it balances out. I can even say it has helped in some ways, much like Immersion Therapy. My kids are adults now, but my stepdaughter wasn't able to be a parent, so I am now raising a 7 year old grandchild. I have days I think I can't do the school thing anymore, but I have no choice at this point. I will be 67 years old when she turns 18. My husband died 2 years ago, so things can be rough. But I will survive, just like I have my whole life.
Good to hear your story - and I agree with you about the immersion therapy thing. It's amazing what we can do if we have to. My story is a bit like yours. Sorry to hear about your husband - that would be tough raising the little one on your own. But also lovely to have her around I'm sure.
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post #27 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-16-2019, 05:20 PM
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no i dont want kids..
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post #28 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-16-2019, 05:35 PM
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Yes and no. Yes because it must be incredibly satisfying at an old age to look at your kids and see where they got in their lives thanks to you, and because it gives a lot of meaning to your life. No because of how stressful it is and how much time away from your life raising your kids takes.

I decided to let my potential spouse make this decision.
And if your kid is a failure? Or if they're developmentally challenged, or die early, or whatever. What then? "Oh my kid is a lazy layabout, after all I've done for him!"

I sometimes wonder if my parents think this about me... And it makes my desire NOT to have children much stronger. I couldn't deal with an autistic or downs kid anyway.

"Reason is not automatic. Those who deny it cannot be conquered by it." -Ayn Rand
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post #29 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-16-2019, 05:56 PM
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And if your kid is a failure? Or if they're developmentally challenged, or die early, or whatever. What then? "Oh my kid is a lazy layabout, after all I've done for him!"

I sometimes wonder if my parents think this about me... And it makes my desire NOT to have children much stronger. I couldn't deal with an autistic or downs kid anyway.
I would love my kid unconditionally, no matter where he/she ends up in his/her life. That said, I don't think I would be that bad a parent: I have this trait of being very supportive and, at the same time, demanding of those I care about. My child(ren) would have a childhood full of love, while not becoming spoiled. I would also infect him/her/them with my love for knowledge and intelligence. This package can't be too bad!

There are no guarantees, sure, but are there ever any in life? The possibility of something not going as planned hardly means we shouldn't do anything.
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post #30 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-16-2019, 06:15 PM
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I'm expecting. its a boy.

I already made a list of things to try and help combat the SA

He might inherit from me.

Like have him involved in school, no sittingaround the house, start working at 15/16,
get his licence at around 16-17

I want my child to be as independent and well rounded as possible.
is the dad planning on helping or being involved?
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post #31 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-16-2019, 06:32 PM
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It's kind of irrelevant because I'm too much of a trainwreck to manage that.

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post #32 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-16-2019, 06:38 PM
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post #33 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-16-2019, 07:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Shadowweaver View Post
I would love my kid unconditionally, no matter where he/she ends up in his/her life. That said, I don't think I would be that bad a parent: I have this trait of being very supportive and, at the same time, demanding of those I care about. My child(ren) would have a childhood full of love, while not becoming spoiled. I would also infect him/her/them with my love for knowledge and intelligence. This package can't be too bad!

There are no guarantees, sure, but are there ever any in life? The possibility of something not going as planned hardly means we shouldn't do anything.
Sounds like you'd be a good parent - that's a good attitude anyway.

I did actually spoil my son - and I know it. I didn't mean to, it just sort of happened. But he's a good kid and we have a close bond. He's pretty successful and is much more motivated than I ever was - if he wants something he really goes after it. I'd say he's stronger than I am - he probably has more of his mother's pragmatism tbh, which is good. Because I've never been very pragmatic - I've always been a bit of a dreamer.

Kids just want you to be honest with them and spend time with them. They need to know you'll be there for them no matter what.
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post #34 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-16-2019, 09:32 PM
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Definitely not. Never wanted kids.

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post #35 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-16-2019, 11:16 PM
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No, but sometimes I think I would want to, so I don’t know. I love my niece and nephew, but not the noise and mess they make, and I think it would be very exhausting for me if they were mine. Maybe I wouldn’t be a very good parent. I imagine myself being old one day and wishing I’d had kids.

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post #36 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-17-2019, 09:47 AM
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I don't think so.

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post #37 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-17-2019, 10:39 AM
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you realize how bad your depression is compared to the others when you see the number of people who answered with a yes.
simply because people who want kids don't know what depression is.



also, never understood people who answer these two questions like this:


Are you grateful for the fact that you were born into this world?
hell no


an hour later:


Would you want kids?
yes
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post #38 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-17-2019, 11:13 AM
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you realize how bad your depression is compared to the others when you see the number of people who answered with a yes.
simply because people who want kids don't know what depression is.
remember that being sad and suffering depression are not the same thing.

people get sad (everyone gets sad) because of life problems, bad luck, they can't get what they want, etc..

being depressed is ughh i swear i don't know. it's definitely something else.

at least wanting kids means you still can see the light. it means you love life and you'd love it even more if things turned good. which is a good thing. good for you.



if you see life as a gloomy/unfair/cruel place, and you still want to bring unborn creatures into a lifetime of hell to suffer, then you selfish son of a *****
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post #39 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-17-2019, 11:46 AM
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No. I hold some very controversial views about the matter, but at the same time I don't feel it's fair to embitter parenthood for anyone, so I'll keep it brief and just say that I consider it unethical on multiple counts.

If I was in a relationship with someone who already was a parent, I'd be cool with that though (I think). I wouldn't become a stepmother or assume parental duties, but it would be alright.

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post #40 of 52 (permalink) Old 05-17-2019, 12:16 PM
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i found out through a friend that my BPD ex is pregnant. i am 9999999999999% happy to not be that guy she is with now. super happy to have opted out of the people creation business. it really just seems like a bad idea to make more people. i don't have many positive feelings towards my own family so no, i don't want to make more of that.

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