What is there to do in life? (long post)
*Formatted to make it not look like a wall of text*
I am new to site, first post, I have from time to time visited this site via google searches. Looking for guidance or closure.
I will not be providing a tl;dr so if you plan on reading then please read every word of the post.
I have a part time job I don't enjoying work at and I make barely above minimum wage also I am currently a university student (or was, idk). I took a leave of absence from university because it sucked. It felt like high school all over again except this time I drive there and the walking is annoying and tiring. I should've dropped out after my horrible summer orientation experience. Everybody in my classes seemed to already know each other. Left out again.
Between classes I hid out in my car, bathroom listening to music, or sometimes I went to the gym but it felt like people were always looking at me and I never made any progress look-wise anyways.
I took a leave of absence after my first semester after I was thankfully introduced to League of Legends. I thought I could become pro and drop out of college but this game is fckn bull****. I climbed from the lowest of bronze to plat 3. The sheer stupidity that happens in this game baffles me. I gave up on this.
Anyways, I was supposed to renew my leave of absence for another semester because I wasn't ready to go back. I sent an e-mail to my advisor and after weeks, no response. Oh well might drop out anyways. I don't really care at this point. I planned on majoring in comp sci but I was required to pass a math exam for a math class I took in my early high school years. I failed all 3 times or whatever. I thought it was bull**** they required that and therefore not worth the effort.
Then I realized, what was the point in majoring comp sci in the first place? To make video games? To make apps? Fck no all I want to do is play video games, watch anime, and sleep. All my motivations are temporary and motivated by anime or false hope of a better future. Better future meaning living alone and getting to play video games, watch anime, and sleep without having to deal with the constant pressure and nagging of my mother.
My version of a league of legends quote (Master Yi): "Anime gives motivation without purpose."
I can't even face my family and I lock myself in my room during Thanksgiving and Christmas when extended family visit. Why? Because in high school I was sent to mental hospitals for psychosis and schizophrenia caused my marijuana. My mom threatened to kill me back in high school and also wanted to evict me. The amount of hatred I've accrued for my mother since childhood is beyond human comprehension. My parents are divorced and I can see why my dad would leave this ***** honestly.
Also I was caught watching p0rn when I was in elementary school and my mother and uncle showed my family and cousins. Can't even look at my sister without me thinking that she is thinking I am a pervert. But what does it matter, she didn't try to stop my mom when she threatened to kill me. Nobody did. My grandpa even turned on the vacuum to drown out the noise.
Every one in my family sided with my mom and said I was the weird one. This led me to hate every single one of them. It's not like I ever enjoyed family company anyways. It always felt fake to me.
My mother seems to be... normal for now. Normal being, nagging about not going to work, sleeping all day, having to eat something, playing games all day.
It's not like she really cares anyways. After all I had to practically spend all of my hard earned money on my tuition and textbooks for college and I have to pay all my own monthly car bills and gas money. Meanwhile my brother hasn't worked a day in his life and my mother is paying for his tuition, textbook, and a place to live near his university and my younger sister has her car payments payed off with my tuition money. I am supposed to be reimbursed by her by summer 2016 but I highly doubt it's gonna happen.
I can't even leave the house without being constantly texted by mother of my whereabouts and doings so I blocked her on my phone. Not to mention my girlfriend started to act like my mother always wondering what I am doing every second of the day wanting constant connection.
Honestly, it's a pain to deal with her. She doesn't even respect the fact that the reason I even got a job in the first place was to take her out to nice places and buy her nice gifts. Also she constantly wonders if I truly love her and I do but her constant urge of needing to feel re-assured.... maybe it's not even worth my energy anymore.
Also to come clean with something that happened this past summer. I saved up enough money (months of working) for a week stay at a hotel at a beach with her. I planned a date and she didn't offer to change the date at all. During our set date she would be on her period (unbeknownst to me at the time). So after driving hours to our destination she said to me that she is on her period and we can't do anything. I was so upset I gave up on trying at all. It was very late at night and dark and I just wanted to die. I wanted a car crash so badly (we were still en route to our destination). I suppose I am a scum. I don't really care. Maybe I only like having sex with her but I hate to think that is the only reason I like her.
I used to dream of romance all the time in my middle-high school days. However the cruel realities of life have made me succumb to the deep valley of loneliness that I exist in today and in the past. There just isn't a girl who would show interest in me and even so, the ones who try to confront/confess to me are ugly. But none of that matters.
So I am in a point of my life where I don't know what to do. I mean, I do know what I want to do and that is play video games, watch anime, and sleep all day but there is no way I can make a living like that. So considering the worthlessness of my existence maybe I should end it yeah? I think that self-induced asphyxiation via plastic bag would be the least painful way to go and I can do it while sleeping.
Maybe this post is pointless and I will get idiotic third rate responses. Who knows..